About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

December 30, 2010

Worried. Once again. Sigh

Well i just found out by Daddy/fiancée that our electric may be cut off in ten days. So now im worried about this. I need prayer for one and two i just need someone or something to calm me down. Im not sure what to even say, let alone do. I just hope God will help us with this and with food as well. I guess this is all i have to say for now.

December 29, 2010

Movie Review...on Dorian Gray

Well, i just watched Dorian Gray and i must say: I'm still kinda iffy on this movie. I like the message about how evil will corrupt your soul, even if you can't see it on the outside. However, what i didn't like about the entire movie- is that Lord Henry was a pretty fickle person, always instigating the main character into doing things. And when finally the main character tells him: he corrupted him- hes like oh well, and changes in a way. I really love Lord Henry's Character in other things such as: Girl With A Pearl Earring and Valmont, but this one was a horrible character choice for him. I will be getting rid of this movie, it was alright on some level- but then again, not a movie i will see again.

December 15, 2010

Some more thoughts of mine :)

Well i watched the third Narnia movie today and i must say it was alright. It went pretty slow and when they said it was more visual they were right. They i mean IMDB and others who also saw the trailers and what not. I was disappointed to not see Aslan a lot..sigh which i loved because you can feel the love being poured out of the screen :) But if i had to recommend a movie it would be the first one.. and not the other two.. which are alright but sorta not good as well.

Next subject.. finally got back to being cold.. which im freezing right now.. but i haven't really been on because of a lot of stuff going down. Just have to fight with fiancée uncle to get any kind of food.. and praying and talking to God about what is going on with my fears and worries. I should give it to him but i dont know why i keep bringing them back to me. Maybe so i can feel that im in control of my life when really i know that God is. Maybe its the insecurity that i have.. and was raised to feel like that.. It has been hard trying to change who i am.. to be a better person four years ago. I know i have changed but i still a long ways to go. Sigh im hoping that i can be Good in God's eyes and even in fiancées eyes. I dont want to be a failure to anyone else in my life.

Also been trying to find people in the lifestyle who can be friends and if not more than that. But that will probably never happen because almost everyone in this lifestyle is or are crazy. I havent met a decent Master since Daddy. Maybe that is a good thing anyways. Ive been getting to know some of the slaves and it makes me open my eyes up more that Me and daddy are soul mates. That we belong with each other. Even though i feel crazy for the most part.. but he is the only one other than God who knows me better than i do. I dont think i will ever find anyone else like that in thsi world. I thank God for giving me him and to change and shape me into the person i have become over the years. And what will come. :)

I guess that is what is going on in my head lately. Also some times cutting creeps into my head but i have to be strong and to over come this disease i made. I know im not perfect but i can control what i will do. And this will not consume me.. I am a fighter and always will be. If i ever give up something has snapped and i am not me.. and something else took over me. Anyways thats it for now. :) Ariabelle

November 29, 2010

Writing on the inner works of me

I know I havent written in a while but I havent really been myself lately. I have been feeling pretty weird. Ive been feeling numb inside.. and I thought that it will slowly dissipate. Like I always think it will. It slowly creeps in making me think its something else when I know full well what it is. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling nor what to do. Its like this gnawing dullness inside that grows each minute. More and more of my time I stare at razors thinking how lovely it would be to slice again. To have the relief of pain that keeps growing inside, out. Also sitting in a car lately just isnt doing it for me either. I stare at the lock contemplating should I lock it or not.. and then my mind wonders go ahead jump out of the car. It will be better to do this than to live in this world where you are at. But I lock the door and those thoughts still pop up. What am I suppose to do when your soul is so dull that you cant heal the process like you have done all the other times you felt like this. Where time can slip away from you, while you float on a cloud you have never been on before. Drifting like a snowflake, never knowing where the destination will take you. Thinking you will drift forever in this fantasy like world. Where everything seems so wonderful, what you have expected from life, and then you start to wonder when you will crash back down to reality. Having responsibility of telling your body not to tense, to ease up on a few rules you put inside yourself. But the clarity comes back ten fold, pushing on your chest a deep sensation of gulping water.
You come back to earth wondering, pondering on what will happen, what has happened while you wasnt here. Wondering how many years, minutes have passed you by as you lay your soft hazy head on your pillow. Drifting in and out of worlds, dreams your mind has made up. Confused on reality and fantasy, what will and is inside of you. Slowly sitting up, you feel the ringing the crashing of tides slide down your aching body. The piercing sensation wading deeper and deeper inside your soul. Slipping further and faster into who you are. Cant grasp on to it, to lock it back into its tiny black box. Where its suppose to lay hidden from anyone's peripheral vision.
That tiny box that has slipped through your grasp, sings a hideous tune inside. Luring you into its trap, whispering little lies to make you believe what it says is truth. Confusion clouds your judgement, you glide more and more to it, letting the lullaby suck you in, to its sweet little lair. You feel it suffocating you, drowning you in venom so thick that you wade in the foggy water. Pondering if this world is what you hoped it would be. What you have made, deep inside your head, pushing out, making out things that don't quite make sense. Yet you walk deeper into the unknown. Trudging on like a good little girl you are. Always doing what you are told, always pleasing others, upset when others don't like your presence, and that burden fills the love void inside of you. Tears, escapes the down sodden of your path, treading ever so lightly that a feather can conceal its identity.That becomes your conscience in this dark and murky palace. Slowly squeaking its truths back into your head, into your body, to get you out of this world you are walking in.
Painful thoughts, memories slowly rises inside you, overwhelming your feelings to what this world is made of, you try to see through a different pair of eyes, to get a good grasp on or lays upon this world. Will any of this go away? Or will this stay with me forever, making me its prisoner, chained and bound to this world I have made. What will become of me when I grow old in here? Will anyone miss me, or even try to find out what has happened to me? This is some of the things that drift through my mind, trying to block this stuff, yet she wont keep still inside my soul. Sigh

November 19, 2010

Some interesting things on PBS World

Well i was watching PBS World earlier today.. and there was a show called Secrets of the Dead.. and it was on Sinking Atlantis. I have always loved reading this in history and after that always wonder why it had sunk and what not.
Some say it is from a volcano and others say it was sunk by water. Well today they were searching the ruins and the land of Crete. It is where the city was suppose to be... and was coming up with some theories that it was the volcano and saying why it was. Which it had it valid points. Which i had thought it was the reason why they had died out as a culture i guess you would say. But the more they went on and was exploring the shores they found crustaceans and coral in the foundation of the rock wall. Which was really interesting. They finally went to say that the only way that could be is if high waves come up and threw them there. They went with that theory and it was heading and saying that it was a Tsunami had hit them after their neighboring island had a really bad volcanic eruption and made huge waves around. Which made a really huge Tsunami around them... hitting Crete wave after wave.. within 24 hours. They also found in the foundation cow bone, pottery,parts of house in it.. which is from a Tsunami.
I would of never known that it would be like that.. but the more i was watching it.. it really made sense. Plus watching this.. made me think of the book i was reading.. by Marion Zimmer.. which hit the spot with this. Its really good but sad.. as of what had happen to this civilization. Anyways this is what i thought of what i watched today. Till next time............... Ariabelle

November 18, 2010

Alter Ego Poem by Anthony and Ashley

Trapped inside this lonely soul
I look out, through the slatted bars of my prison

Pondering upon cloudy thoughts
that quickly crash into thunderous tides of emotion
unleashing the hidden depths of rage that rose

who slumbers silently, within this pit of hell behind my eyes?

this demon, I call my parasite, my alter ego

This ego of mine
who holds the keys, the secrets of my being
beyond these reflections of false light

imprisoning me
stealing away from me, my heart, my mind, my soul

This monster Clutches unto these secrets
deep inside of my soul
onto the darkness which erodes, to never know

keeping me shut out
from peering in, to this putrid heart
in a sinful garden, where my memories grows
and it's always dark

Hoping that I'll run away
will never know, never learn
of these dark worlds inside

and purify her through my innocence, her aching heart which abides

but she doesn't know, to the tune my heart beats, bleeds
the keys that my pocket keeps, deceives
to her downfall, her broken soul

as I wander through the detours and roads
deep down into the furnace of coals
of my discontentment and nightmares
she's blissfully unaware
that I dare, to know myself

and I ponder when she will realize
who's the culprit of her demise
lurking inside, spilling these secrets, demons to life

and perhaps, all she will ever hear is the sound of my writhering lullaby
screams of anguish and insanity
as I find out the true me that resides
beyond the obscurity of the whys, the forgetful sighs

and her duplicitous personality cries to the rhythm of my eyes

November 14, 2010

Feelings on the weather..

getting darker and darker each day... while some snow comes and goes yet my feelings stay the same.

November 13, 2010

Something on IMDB.. that kinda got to me

Well ive been going on IMDB. Internet movie data base looking up one of my favorite movies.... White Oleander and this came up in the discussion boards....

Person asked: Im so sick of women sitting around and talking about their emotions and etc.


Well when i first read this i just rolled my eyes and said here is another troll on the IMDB just whining and what not. And it is a troll but after about two days it came popping up in the back of my head. This came to me while working on my sudoku .

Well okay well if he hates women emotions then i can say this without making him mad.... I hate every man who sits around whining and showing their emotions. Its basically saying the same thing. Why does this society today have to stereotype so much?

Our society has told us that women are the ones who are to be breed, cook stay home, fragile and let our emotions control us while men on the other hand have to work, stay outside, hold in their emotions and then let them explode. Yea pretty horrible stereotyping to me.
We all have emotions and we have to show them no matter what. So why does it matter if you hate them or not.. then you really shouldnt like human beings in the first place. Or maybe its because you have a grudge on women and think they are all like this. Well wake up.. this isnt true at all.

We all have emotions and we show them.. some do it more so than others. This world only wants to see the labels that we put on people, the stereotyping we do and etc. Blinded by what they have experienced or what they think or been brainwashed to believe in. We really need to get our of this rut and open our eyes to what the world is really like.

Anyways this is my opinion once again of what was on my mind for today. Till next time

Ariabelle

Thoughts on a Saying.......

The saying: Why but the cow when you get the milk for free.


Well the reason im pondering on this is because it comes up a lot in the Christian chat room 10 that im in. This goes to me and a few other regulars in here and it made me wonder why they say this.... Was laying in bed about yesterday or so and this popped up. I was wondering how and why this saying came to be.. because it not true at all.

Okay This day and age we have players, wannabes and etc... but its always been like this but now its more so than anything. So when the chatters say to me and others.. well you arnt married but living together they say this saying. Like they will never marry us and what not.. just want the sex and leave. But what they dont know is what is going on in our lives.. but what we tell them. So how can they observe what our mate is doing and etc.

Most of these people in here are hypocrites because they say one thing and dont even do it. Like they say oh you need to be married and then he will be faithful to you and whatever. But they have told me and others that they have been divorced about five times.. and the guy just wanted the sex and go on.. so why give us advice when they were horrible at that... Hmm because today and probably earlier in life... humanity has done this.. point the finger, judge people so it wont be on them.

I think they should really not give advice at all because of this.. For one they dont know what is going on in our lives. Like mine for instance... i cant get married right now because of financial problems and so on.. so its why im still engaged and others have their own reasons.. but if you really love that person and been through so much like me and my fiancée then you should really just be quiet and observe not say anything.

People should really observe more, open their eyes and look at this world in a different light than what they see it as. Because then they would never say this saying in the first place.. and etc.
Just my thoughts on this... till next time..

Ariabelle

November 5, 2010

Depths of my soul by Ashley and Anthony Souls (me)

Why does everyone
want to pick the locks that holds the depth of my soul

everything I do is wrong in their
soft angelic eyes

telling me the wrongs
the disillusions of my own world
are all lies

that I made my world a hell
and I made a deal with the devil

but who knows the depths of my soul?
Who knows the inner workings of my brain
heart and soul

Not those who think these things about me
who always wants to point out my fatal flaws
scars that I made in this world

Thinking that isolating me
will make me vulnerable/naked
so I will follow every little word they say

But what they don't know
is this....

I follow God and my heart
and it tells me to be my own person
and not rely on peoples words

where they all spout lies and deception
twist and turn the truth
for their own personal gain

and in the dark, dank, and dreary corner of my eyes
misery lurks around every corner
trying to bury doubt deep into the cracks of my brain

To sip every drop of my soul
till the only things left inside me are
empty and broken like a wasted rag-doll

October 21, 2010

Feelings of a lonely Wolf by Ariabelle Sierra

wolf tears
spring from the depths of my eternal well

Howling its loving words
to his partner

vowing devoted love
protection and honor
till the day he dies

His pride and love
goes into his family

providing shelter and food
for his mate and cubs

Except for the one day

Oh he regrets leaving them alone now

Memories flood him
leaving his mate and cubs
in the den


while taking a short jaunt
in the woods to get them food


It was sorta chilly
with bad omens in the air

Ran down the spine of the wolf
whispering its feelings
into his pointy ears

Turn back now
it called to him

But he shrugged it off
no need to worry about anything..
the wolf thought

and keeps trotting further into
the woods

hours goes by and finally
catches his prey

Bringing it back to the family
thinking and grinning they will
be so proud that i caught a huge buck
on my own

And he trots off for home

A mile before home
he smells smoke in the air

And fear ruffles his fur
wondering if his family is okay
Its the only thing thats on his mind

running as fast as he can
he gets to his place

fire blocks his path to his den
making him back further and further away

He could only sit and watch the fire blaze into the night
while gazing in the distance
he sees humans walking away from that area

His instincts kicks in
knowing his family had died
by the hands of humans

And the pain of loneliness grew
deep inside him

Looking up to the starry/bloody moon
he howls his vow of vengeance
on those who killed his dear ones

To never rest till he found them one day
and be rid of them
After that he feel into a deep black sleep

The next day and onward he walked for miles
not knowing where exactly he was at

only his vow of vengeance kept him going
sniffing the humans
who caused him pain

After many months of walking aimlessly
he stumbles for nearly starving

he has found
those who took his love

teeth bared, low growls
coming forth from his lungs

he charges them in a white blaze of hate
snapping each humans head
and tearing flesh from the bones

slowly relishing in the kill
and knowing the revenge has been completed

he knows it is time
to move on with life

and be happy and live
for the one he loves!

Hardships of love by Ariabelle Sierra :)

Two souls
intertwine with each other emotions

each experiencing the others pain
without going through it themselves

mixed emotions
tangle up their life signs
caught by the whirl winds of suffering

each feeling theyy are facing the pain alone
distancing themselves to be complete strangers

only to face another battle
of unseen fortune

Both souls life lines
fray at the struggle of staying soul mates

only to be frayed more and more
by the sight of never knowing
when the suffering will end

hardships after hardships
crash upon them
like the wild tides of the ocean

leaving a little bit of themselves
in the ocean of consequences
for making each choice
of where to go next in life

their hopes and dreams
are fraying at their central core

wearing down their love for one anothe
rand fights/bickering pop up
here and there

only to leave them
feeling lonely and empty inside

each one as their
rational decision comes back

feeling guilty for what they said
wanting the other back at their side

to feel the love and warmth
they gave each other

the feeling of being whole
and not separated or lost
through all the chaos

each partner beckons to the other
with the power of love inside
flashing through the life lines

beeping faster and faster
as they come closer and closer
to the other half

looking upon each other
with a glowing love

knowing they won
each other back
through the tedious hardships
they endured for one another

also knowing in their hearts
nothing will break them
apart ever again.

September 29, 2010

Sigh

Okay why does it seem like everyone who is in this lifestyle are really truly crazy people? I was reading up on Gor and the dude sounded crazy. I mean come on can we at least have a few that are normal like me and my fiance.

Things are going on thsi week Daddy finally applied/applying for ssi. About time.... we have an appt.. fri to finish it and hopefully get approved for it. It would help out so much. Hopefully everything will turn out right. :)
Daddy hasnt been himself lately.. a little more mao.... Sigh hurting my feelings and making me feel like i screwed everything up.. but he is finally coming back :) he is finally punishing me again and getting back into our routine.
I guess this is it for now :)

September 20, 2010

Waiting on things.....

Okay well what the title says is that a few days ago i came to Daddy and asked him to start doing some other things in the lifestyle. I think im ready for him to humiliate me and been on my mind ever since then. I think it would make me a better person.. hence get over this stuff and be a stronger person by doing this. It takes a lot of courage to do this stuff for the one you love... your master and i really think my mind and body is ready for it. In the past i had some mistress's ask me if i would do it and i said no its one of my hard limits but the reason i said that was because cne im not ready. Two i didnt know her at all and could not trust her off the bat.
See thats what you need in this D/s relationship. You need trust love and care from your provider and that didnt come from her,,, anyways that was just talk about someone using me for some days... but i think im ready and lately been feeling this change in my bones. I dont know what it is.. not sure if we will get up on our own and get a job and move out or if it is in the lifestyle... either way i think this will be a good out come of it. It feels just the way i did for about a year about moving here with Daddy in montana and to get away from abusive parents.


Okay on a different note sorta im sorry i havent been doing the blog like i would sigh just a lot of crap going on. I think family is harassing me on yahoo and been changing names on it a lot and loosing friends on it. Reported it to yahoo and they arnt doing a thing.. saying you need to ignore them but they get around it. Im waiting for the next time and im going to the real internet cops with it. Im tired of it. Im done with family. Im doing a lot better with them out of my life.. dont need their crap.... And then on top of that Dad was talking to a switch who was really stupid and trying to make us mad... saying that it was stupid for me to get out of my abusive parents place and being in BDSM lifestyle for life... and that she doesnt want to be in blah blah blah... She was a fake.. cant we find people like us? Who are true into BDSM and not fake and have friends and what not when things happen? I mean come on this is just ridiculous.
Some tips if you are interested into it or want to be in it... you need to figure out if you are a Dominant, Mistress, Sub, or slave... im not putting switch because well to me a switch doesnt work in this at all. You are either sub or dom. Thats it.. and the ones i have talked to say they are mostly sub so thats what i think of that..
TIp two... you need to really talk to the dom or sub and get to know them what they like and what not. You need to find out the subs hard limits and soft limits.. and from there say what you like as the dom and from there you really need to build up trust.. Thats the thing you really need in this D/s relationship... if you dont fully trust the other person with your life then its not going to work and in the end you will get hurt.
Tip three.... If you are a beginner or even a pro at it and in the lifestyle for the longest you still need to proceed with whatever you are doing with caution. Like for instance if you are going to be tied up... should watch where you are tying at all times.. because lack of blood will cause in the end for you to suffocate. Also doing things you should be careful..like punishments and everything..This lifestyle is not a game its very serious and as you can see over the years you hear what has happen to people dying because they were not being careful enough to do this stuff.
Also if you are going to do this stuff you need to have a safe word if it gets out of hand..and that the DOM and i mean it..will stop after you have said it. IF HE DOESNT DO THAT THEN I THINK YOU SHOULD REALLY CONSIDER ANOTHER DOM.
Tip four...in construction...

Sorry for this i am still inexperience and need to actually to grow more and find out what other safety tips i can give you and these are the ones i have learned in the past three years in this lifestyle. I hope if you are going to be in it for real please and i mean it please take this seriously. This lifestyle is not a game.. Its suppose to be for mature adults in it.. but we all know that doesnt apply at all. But please look into it before deciding what you want to do and also if you are looking please find the right person who is actually a real dom and not someone who is fake. :) That is all for now... :) Ariabelle

August 24, 2010

sorry im back now

okay im sorry that i havent been on to blog but now im back.. :D hehe so how is everyone? Me im not to well.. for the things as this in a list..
My life
What i just watched on the news
Cutting
Eating problems
Not having a job
i think thats about it. Just been rough. I had another break down yesterday. Seems like im having a lot of them. Is this a sign of a break through or what.. but i dont like them at all. They suck and they make really sick. Okay also i heard about this. This makes me upset. A lot of people got rejected on the loan modification. THis is not right. My fiancee uncle is one of the few who got on it.. and he got it. I think the reason is because he put us down which is bullshit.. because he can pay it on his own. Yet you see all these people who try to keep up with their mortgage and yet he sits here in total bliss. I think its not right. I dont like it when there are people who truly need it and yet the uncle is taking advantage of it. It disgusts me a lot. I hate when people do that.. take advantage of the gov. and when people who need it the most cant even get help. Sigh it just pisses me off. Anyways heres the rest of my rant on the things for today and what not. So here you go :)

wow was watching the news and somethings i dont like. Right now there is a school that is trying to put a tracking devise into the ids and keep an eye on them. Im sorry this is not right. It is the mark of the beast and also it violates their privacy. That means that they will be tracked at home, and everywhere they go. This shouldnt have to be because in the real world we dont have tracking devises. So why should the kids have it? And also another thing that ticks me off is that in L.A. there is a luxury school being built. About 5 something million dollars? Where the hell is the money going too? Hmm to this stupid thing. hell it makes my school look like a freakin dump. Instead of making a big and luxury school why not help the kids and get a good education? Hm my school is run down but they had a lot of good programs for the kids. SO this should wake up people who pays taxes which is a lot.. the money is going to this stupid thing, and into the pockets of senators and what not. This world is coming to an end where all they fuckin care about is money and nothing else. Sigh what next... shakes head. Ariabelle.

April 14, 2010

Chapter 7 :D enjoy it

Darkened glass shapes the foggy home that belongs to you. Tiny rays of kaleidoscope colors twinkle on the rug. Shining an untold tale that once happened to this little girl that has blinded her for many of years. Tears of ruby drops twinkle down her dainty wan face. Spilling to the luscious floor only to spread more and more of her pain onto this bare harsh world. Numbness takes over her while old thoughts race through her mind. Filling her with agony and resentment for the things she never did. All these wounds finally claim their rightful place on her body/world. To finally be put to silent of what had happened to this young girl.
Will they always stay away? Or will they come back and haunt her again and again, just like today? These little flicker of thoughts flash an instant in her mind, while all the sticky crimson liquid soaks into her clothes. Soaking up each hurt each regret each feeling she had of these world. Only for them to be soaked up and forgotten once more in this ugly realm she had made up. Will these thoughts this place go away once she has died and forgotten who she ever was. The sultry midnight voice springs out of nowhere, calling her to hurt herself once again. Singing that melancholy song that sings to her veins. Wanting that glimpse of glory of blood seeping out of the veins once more, to bring the relief it brings for this young girl again.
Slumber-less nights only bring on the nightmares that hide inside this girls mind. Only to be awaken when her conscience is not in play. Why do these nightmares have to stay here? Why do they have to come out when I can not handle myself through this ugly maze. I see the rapes vividly and the abuse that only makes me run away from the things I went through. Only for them to chase me through the lands to find me once again. Why do they have to chase me all the time? Why do they want to haunt me when all I want is relief from myself, from these pains and suffering I went through. Have I changed through these years? Mind so twisted so gnarled through this kingdom that I split myself into these young girls in the twisted kingdom? Is this what has happened? Is the midnight voice with the anger vibes inside my bones, am I her? Or is she something completely different from me? How do I know who I am when I'm not sure who these girls are inside of my kingdom?
I look up to see starless night with smoky fog filling the diry night with empty promises. Feeling of dread and emptiness sinks more and more in me, leaving me feeling like a zombie in this heartless world. Why do I have to be like this? Why does my body feel so out of place when my soul is somewhere else? Why does this have to happen to me. Did I did do this to myself at a young age? To hide my soul from the monsters that had hurt my body. Hiding my mind from those who wanted to devour it in a minutes time? Why run away from all of this? The monsters are not here anymore, only memories of them stay in my salted wounds. So why do I still run from these memories? I should be stronger than this. So why? Thats the question..
The cemetery maze is made up of dead vines that had grown out of proportion on flaky brown hedges. Leaves of long ago crunch underneath my ballet slippers, growing louder with each step I take. Heart pounds a little louder and a beat faster as I walk more into the maze. Wondering what is in this little girls head.

Always a burden to those I love so dear. People always have to crush my dreams and my happiness just to get by in this ugly world. Why does everyone have to be cruel to me, have to hurt me in ways just because I'm a girl or a girl who doesnt take crap from anyone? Why do they feel threatened by me when I'm only trying to be who I am deep inside? Do they want to crush my soul and become this ugly monster that lingers inside my slumbering body? Do they want me to be this stupid puppet on strings to obey every command of theirs? Is this why my life has to be horrible because inside I wish no I hope that I can be me around anyone and yet this has to happen.
Why do people want to run my life? Are they unhappy with themselves that they have to run my life and not let me live it the way I want too? Are they just pathetic and the only way for them to be happy, because if this is true then this is very sad. I want to be happy I want to be the one who runs her own life. One who can speak out to whatever is on her mind. Not be hinder up in this body that screams, longs for release. Why cant she get it? Why does she have to hide herself up each and every time. Is she afraid to get hurt again? I know deep down she wants out, I can feel her silent screams rushing to the surface. But nothing comes out, only little vapors of bubbles that pop with each little wind prick.
That sultry voice comes up from the back of her mind, whispering those longing words for her to obey. Each time its harder to fight this voice, harder to fight herself in this state of manner. How can she get out of this rut? How can she fight this battle on her own and win? Can she do this or does she need that one person who believes in her, to help her soul out in the end. Will anyone hear this little mouse on the tether lines, screaming her heart out for anyone to come to her. To save her from the nightmare that goes on with each breath she takes? Does anyone hear her? Does anyone want to say this poor little soul from herself? Nothing comes once again. Only the stillness of the night reaches out to her. Guiding her down the narrow foggy path once again.
Fear comes crashing up on her like tides of the ocean. Spraying her with despair and uneasiness. Only for her to keep walking, darker and darker down that slippery slope. Only her nightmares awaits her. Washing her in the icy palms of their hands. Grasping her at the neck, yanking her towards the cemetery of her doom. Look it in its eyes and see what she does not want to bear. Her death infront of her. Her failures in life coming up and smacking her in the face, pushing her down, pulling her more into the abyss of darkness that feeds on her fear. Will she ever get out this? Will she ever wake up from this dream that she had made long ago? What will she do, when she cant get out of her own mind, walking it for more than once in her life. Does this always have to happen when things get so bad that it leads to this? Leads to destruction on her frail body. Destruction on her mind, leaving her looking and acting like a zombie that will never walk with the land of the living anymore.
Why does this have to be on this poor child? That use to see the world as her canvas, and now uses that on her body. Creating this canvas as darkness, as the tales that has happened to this poor child. Twisting and dementing her mind as the years grow colder on her. Why does this have to happen is the only thing she thinks of as she walks to her death. Wanting to escape the memories of abuse, the rapes and the things that was done more than years ago. Help this child out, as the wind moans in the night. Leaving the screams behind her, leaving behind all that once was her only to go more to this other side. The side that was once her dark ugly world but now becoming her new home, her new habits in living in this realm.
Why keep living on if people look down upon you, think that you are nothing and hit you for no good reason? Why should you keep acting like your life is fine when people cut you down and call you names that hurt you to your very bones. Why should you keep going if all you think of is death and the finer things of the darkness in your mind. Why keep urging these people to hurt you, like you are alright when everything is turned upside down on you. How do you keep going on like nothing has happened and just put on a masquerade instead? Those years are done now, those things are in the past, yes I know this but if you havent been where I have, then you really don't know the edge of sanity and insanity in your mind is. Walking to that and standing near the edge for years, contemplating if sanity is better than fantasy, if reality is better than your made up world, and wondering if anyone in your life will love you just for yourself and never harm that little girl that you hide close to your heart.
Will anyone be that knight you have been waiting for? To open up your arms and throw yourself, that little girl that was locked away inside yourself, not wanting that very thing you hold precious too to get hurt once again. You think sure I can handle another heartache, another abuse but really when it comes up again in reality you cant take anymore of it. You cant act like that old person anymore, you cant act like everything is alright when someone abuses that trust. Will my dreams of loving someone dearly come to me. To hold them and cherish them like the way I want to be? It feels like I will never be given that in my life and my world crumbles to this black sea of nothingness. What is wrong with me? Why does this have to happen, so many things are whispered into my head. Saying that I'm ugly and that no one wants to touch me, makes me shudder deep inside. Why cant I feel love like anyone else or like my books do?
Why does only hurt, anger, misery and burden have to be in my veins instead of love, comfort,kindness. I want all of these and yet when I hold them in the palms of my hands I feel them burn out from them just touching the curse from beneath the soft hands. Everyday I imagine that I will be like one of those girls who gets swept off her feet and feel love and compassion through the one they loved most, yet all I get is sadness, grief and that I'm to hideous to even kiss or touch. What am I if no one wants me? A lonely soul who has to go through life like this, for her heart to tear at the seams each night as this goes on. I don't know how much more I can take before my being is ripped from me and the only thing left to bear is my soul and it will be extinguished from life. For years now I have run away from loved one, scared that I'm the one putting a curse on them, the one that makes them have a bad life and the more I look now it is true.
I look around this abyss that I sit right now and wonder where do I belong in this so called world. I don't belong with anyone, and yet I yearn for it each night that I bare my soul to the one I cling to. I'm scared that he will reject me, scared that he hates this hideous monster I have become but I try each and every minute to make myself different. To make myself feel loved and try to love back but as the dawn comes up my heart aches more as I think of the unspoken words between us knowing that I screwed up once again. I'm just a fuck up and I don't even know where to begin. I try my hardest to be the perfect girl for you but yet here I am saying the wrong words each time something goes wrong. I just don't know who I am anymore.
All I know is that I try to be something for you and I'm not sure how long that will even last. One minute you say you want to know me for who I am. Yet I tell you whats on my mind and you have to rethink if I'm the one for you. I don't even know what to say or do anymore. I'm lost in my own mind, lost in this world thats suppose to be happiness, and bliss but thats not what I'm getting. Only misery and hurt lingers deep inside my chest. Heartbreak tears my wounds open again, confused on what to do or say. Do you even love me? If you do then why does this have to hurt so much? Why does life have to be like this? Have to be this hell hole that makes us upset and torn from ourselves. This questions go round and round and no answer comes to me. So more questions and that velvet voice comes back. Chuckling and whispering that its my fault that I'm not pretty or even attractive to you and thats why this have to be this way. I just want to be happy, and have that special bliss that everyone says that happens when two people fall in love. Yet I don't see that, so what is wrong with this picture? What am I doing that makes you feel like this?
No one will ever know my hurt even as I write this down my feelings go beyond these silly little words I try hard to describe. Moments like these I long for someone just someone to understand me, to understand who I am but each moment that I try this all I get is hurt, all I get is distance and coldness. Then I retreat back into myself loathing myself for even trying once again. Feeling the longly feelings come rushing up again, to wash over this person thats suppose to be me. Will I ever learn this lesson in life? Or am I just stupid and hope that maybe one day someone will understand me that will try to heal me whole. I sigh deep inside myself, coiling up once more, and my shell looks up to the starry night that tells that another sad day ends and a horrible morning will rise.

April 6, 2010

Chapter six to my story enjoy it :)

Waves crash over my body,aching and screaming deep inside. Wanting to claw up to the surface and be free from everything. Why does this have to happen? Evil thoughts pop inside my head contemplating over and over if I should do them just this once and it wont make me a bad person anymore. Would it or am I just doing this because I don't know how to be good anymore? Even when I'm good someone always has to abuse that, twist it to their own lies to make them feel better in the end and that makes me hurt myself.
Silent screams echo deep inside my chest. Bubbling up from the pits of hell, open my mouth and only vapor escapes. Only the wind captures my feelings and pops them with their tiny pins. Spraying them around the earth for someone just someone to hear what I have to say. Hoping and praying that someone will be my rock, my protector from all the evil I must endure. Only for now I get silence once again. Only hearing the screaming locked inside of this person. Caged emotions banging against the iron bars, wanting to be free, wanting to escape the possibilities that will happen if they don't get out.
Drifting on uncertainty while shame clings onto me, as past memories come up. Bottled up emotions from years of suppressing them are surfacing each day as these old scars come up. For many years to come I've inflicted crimson regret and betrayal on this frail body that was suppose to me mine. To quiet the sultry midnight voice that clouds my judgment deep inside of me,to have a few sweet delicious, glorious seconds of stillness inside of me. Then the humming starts up again louder and louder it gets forcing/promising it will make me better. I give in because I'm too weak to fight off her vengeance. Somewhere in the depth of my soul, these pages that I read are of my heart, body, and soul of the earth and people I once knew. How each of these pages, know my pain and feelings, that I do not know. My eyes flit through the pages, yearning a burning desire my conscience only knows of. Filling my pretty little head with fiction, fantasies that I have longed to live for. Would these ever come true? Maybe I'm dreaming that one day these dreams or fantasies some may say are only that. A hoping child, left to bare that they are just in her mind. Could she stand that? Could she bare it all on her own? For only echos of dreams of passions, never fulfilled in this child will only whirl inside,confusing herself with all these daydreams,swarming around her realm.
Only to wake up to another day of misery and gloom. Despair crossing her face,for only she knows what her dreams where about. Agony never going away,leaving behind its ugly feeling of lonesomeness dwelling home. Down the rabbit hole I go again,drifting farther and farther down it,not knowing what lays before me. Uncertainty and cold whispers its way into my inner chambers. Nightmarish dreams enter my waking soul, flashbacks of my past life floats before my eyelids. Flitting like movie pictures, capturing my emotions over and over, never changing in a moments breath. Each one ripping through me like tiny jaws nibbling on my bones. Working their way deep inside my body,wanting me to remember
Hollow as the washed up foamy water. Water gypsies spring forward to capture my soul, that slumbers deep inside. Tunnels that dwell my being, that twists around dark desires that grow with each breath I take. Empty promises sprout from your serpent mouth, begging for these intentions to come out and play. Chains uncurl inside their sleeping wake, slithering towards you, snaking,coiling,around you. Binding you to the bed. Changing forms,smoky demon eyes bore into you, voice like glass chimes,sing song whispery huskiness asks, “Is this what you wanted? Do you want to see my darkest dreams, that I had chained in me? Are you satisfied now that you see it?”
Hair as dark as midnight floats like mermaids hair under water. Tangling in tendrils around her shoulders, eyes like demons deathly eyes, mouth as wan as paper. A low growl growing from your throat, thunders through my soul, bearing my heart to you. Eyes gazing at your beauty, awed in your presence, cant even move an inch. My brain kicks in screaming run run run. Yet my body stays here yearning for your lovely touch on my body. Skin touching skin,mouth touching mouth, words speaking the words I want. Body screams for your waking, wanting all the desires you have locked inside your poor soul. Your eyes haunt my very being but I can not move or utter the words I want to say to you. Did you put a spell on me? What have you done to me? I want to leave right now but what is making me stay here?
What spell are you putting on me, I want out of here. Let me go, I want out of this realm. Out of your deathly,ghastly world. I want to live in the living,not where death walks. I want the roses to bloom and not see only buds that have died more than once here. I want fresh air in my lungs than this smoky dirt in my mouth. I want to be with you in the land of the living, where we can live a normal life. What makes you stay here? What is keeping you chained in this gosh forsaken world? Is there unfinished business that you need to complete before my angel, my butterfly can fly away? Each night I lay awake on this lonely bed,wishing my little golden butterfly will come back to me. Wanting that lively young woman back in my arms. Hair as smooth as skin caressing my face as we lie together each night.
Now all I see is hatred in those glazy eyes. Each day I pass you by, I see the anger growing deep inside you. Fury lingers inside your bones, eating,devouring your soul as you walk the undead realm. When will you come back to me? Are you going to stay like this forever? Living inside your anger, letting it devour your being each minute that passes by? What has happened to my little butterfly? Why doesnt she flutter away like she use to? Loving nature to its finest, sigh I think to myself I will never see that precious laughter in your eyes, like I use to see when you looked into my soul. Utter sadness takes over me, pity lingers in my bones, waiting for you to come back to me. Some nights I look to the sky and pray to God that you will come back to me as you once was. Then other nights my faith is gone and know that you will always walk among the dead, wandering for all eternity trying to find who you once was, in a dream filled with hopes, ambitions, that lively color in your cheeks. Oh I miss you my darling..please come back to me. These are my dreams I longed to be fulfilled each and every night that you are not with me.
I hope that you can find yourself and come back to my side and love like you once did many years ago. I hope that you dream of me,in your foggy mind, trying to come back but still blinded by blood that makes you live in this hollow land. Fiery winds tousle through your hair, hitting your rosy cheeks with a tangy bite that dwells inside of you. Trudging through the thicken snow that has fallen fresh only a few minutes ago. Legs numbed to the chilled air, harsh crunch clings to your ears. Only memories circle in your head. Walking wherever these pictures lead you. Unaware of the temperature changing, muted to the stillness in the forest. What made it so haunting to be in this made up forest? Trying to find who you are in this lonely woods, only to hear quietness beneath the tall trees. No sun, nothing can be heard as you keep trudging through this all by yourself.
You keep thinking: what have I done to deserve this at all? What made me come into this forsaken place,just to wonder around for years and never remembering,replacing who I was within. Where did this girl go? What had happened in this kingdom that she doesnt even want to remember. These thoughts race through her mind, kicking up its speed. Making her stomach ache till she stops the thundering booms in her head. Aching to leave, she has nowhere to go. Only in a circle is what she had put herself in, and now she cant even remember how to get out of this jungle maze.

Okay lets try this again lol

Sigh I'm sorry that I havent been on. The reason for this is because my internet got cut off and the uncle wants to turn it back on.. but thats kinda stupid. If he cant pay our bill for a month what makes him think that he can pay that and pay off our bill? Sometimes he doesnt think things through and just puts more money out which is stupid. Lately ive been letting my anger come out, no more nice lady anymore to him. Hes been doing mind games to the fullest. Acting like hes having a panic attack or hes going to have a heart attack when we need to get a little bit of food, and comes home talks to his sister and hes fine. Jumping and skipping and all cheery. Why play these mind games? Hm probably because he is acting more and more like his brother,jay. Swindling everyone out of their money and he gets everything handed to him on a golden plate.
Ill give you an example of this stuff. Okay you know Sunday was easter and he kept pushing this elaborate feast on us and I kept telling him its going to be about fifty dollars or so and he said oh okay. So we go out and we get the stuff and he tells me only to get two cans of pineapple. Well you should know if you do it my way,, you get a huge ham two cans of pineapple isnt going to cut it, so I ignore him and put in a third can. I look him in the eyes and I already see hes doing the huffy puffy thing like hes going to have a heart attack. Sure enough I counted to ten in my head and rounded the corner to where the ham was at and said we are going to have to leave and stuff because he was going to have a heart attack. Sorry when someone plays lots of mind games on you, you just laugh at them and thats what I did. I snorted and rolled my eyes. Said well if you are going to have a heart attack then go to the hospital. Hes pretty stupid because he would be flown to helena and then how will he get back home? Hmm he wouldnt so he really needs to stop that shit. Anyways get back home from getting the bread, juice and somethings and he talks to his sister and hes all cheery, no heart attack of the sort.
So why do this? He gets a full paycheck each week now and hes making our food even cheaper than what we are spending. We spend ten dollars but now he wants us to spend five dollars for meals to last for about three to four days and five dollars isnt going to get you anywhere and with me and my fiance that would be um only two fifty per person. Who in their right mind makes a meal for two dollars and fifty cents. Um no one. So why does he think we will keep that for at least three to four days. He has his sister Nancy paying the mortage and whatever else he needs help with, the pastor next door only pays two hundred and so where does his money go? Um to more food for him because in about six months or so nothing has been paid really by him. And he ran up our bill on the internet and saying he wants it back on. I'm really tired of it and him whispering and sayiing he cant say stuff here like its about me. For some reason he hates me, probably because he is bitter about girls but that is no way to treat me. Ive been treated rotten in my life and I'm not going to have a free loading uncle do this to me all because I'm a girl who loves my fiance. If he doesnt like it tough tits don't take it out on me. Ive been way nicer to him, paying way more than what was expected of me. Paying five hundred dollars for a small bedroom, and everything else on top and treating him out everyday. He is a selfish egotistical pig that wants everything on a platter and I'm not doing that.
My motto is if you have two hands and two feet that work then you can do it. But now on to what I was really going to write about now, I got this book from the library and its called Yellow Star by Jennifer Roy and its about Jennifer's aunt who was only four and half years old who went into the ghetto. This book made me cry twice and lots of things went through my mind. This little girl went through some hard times and was very very brave. This kinda reminded me of my great aunt, Aunt ronnie we call her when she went into the camps. But this girl I think by far, that God was looking out for her family. They went to the ghetto and they never went to camps. Well they were suppose to but her father had a gut feeling not to go and instead used his brain and hide them. It was amazing how they got around the Nazis and amazed and awe that God truly looked out for them. There were a lot of times that they would be seperated but God was there helping that family get through those years. I recommend this book. I know its a children book but it a really good book. This kinda raised thoughts about how did my great aunt get out the camps and the only one surviing it out of our family. I think I tried asking her but she wouldnt want to talk about it. So I kept quiet but I love reading books like this because it kinda gives me answers to some of my questions that I had in my head for years.
Okay next thing on topic, my story. Ive been working on it and got chapter six done. I went over it and think its pretty good so I will post it when I can get to the library and post it for you guys. I'm now writing chapter seven and kinda iffy on it. Its taking some time but coming slowly out of me. Also my cross stitching is coming along, I'm now working on the flowers which that took me oh about a few months to do that. Finally finished the bamboo which I got sick and tired of the same colors lol. Also so now my bdsm lifestyle. Oh man I love it. This past week has been a lot for me.
It has kept me in balance and I love every moment of it. Lets see Daddy has been strict and I think I love it a lot. He has ordered me to be good but you know sometimes I can tbe good and get punished. He has been using the hairbrush on me..it hurts but I love the feel of it. Also been doing vampire kisses lol biting my lips breasts, arms and anything else to keep me in line. I love pleasuring him and how it feels for me as well. It makes me feel like a good little girl that needs a lot of training at times but I have come a long way from when I first time I met him. I look back and see that I was a timid girl who didnt want anyone in her life. Now I see that I have changed a lot in the past three years of knowing him. Sometimes it scares me and wonder if being shy and not knowing or letting anyone in is better in the end or not. I love being me and how I have grown and changed in the past few years. Looking back kinda shocks me on how much ive grown in the short three years. Okay lol Daddy is telling me its time to stop writing and go to bed. Sigh I have so much to write but I cant do it. I guess later for another time. I know I write to much lol but I will talk to you guys later. Have sorta big day, hoping that we can get a job and get out of this hell hole. Please pray for us. Thanks talk to you soon. Ariabelle

March 28, 2010

Hmmmmmm

well the past few days have been somewhat alright till the uncle is getting on my nerves. LOl his car broke down and i laughed at that because well he got what he deserved on that. Then he says he cant get food because oh he cant walk to the store which is only half a mile which is sad. Me and my fiance walks more than that. He finally get the car fixed and wants us to make him his food. When we said no he throws a fit and starts being an ass. Seriously im tired of his shit. Im not being nice anymore to him.NO symphathy from me. He has been saying he wants to die a lot lately and well he can die for all i care. Be no more stress from him. If that means i go on the streets well then i go on the streets. Im sick of his bullshit. He gets a full paycheck each week and still says he doesnt have money to pay for anything. Thats bullshit he makes um about 900 a month. You can do everything on that. Lets do the math okay mortage is um 530 The pastor pays 200 so all he has to come up with is 330. Okay that leaves him with about 600 something. Then electric and engery is oh 60 dollars a month and so is internet.. another 120 gone and that leave hims with somewhat 500 something. Then water is 30 dollars and thats all so he will have 400 left over each month to do what he wants. Yet he says he cant pay the mortage, doesnt pay the electric or energy, doesnt pay the water till they almost cut that off, and internet getting cut off again. So where does his money go to... Um i know where... to stupid shit, like his stuff in the pawn that costs way more to get out, um things he does not need and lets it sit in the house.
The other uncle was right on that. He pays on stupid stuff an when it comes to priotery stuff he doesnt pay at all. he has the pastor and his sister pay it. I wish i could get out of this hell hole and get my own place. Uncle is keeping us here because he knows we cant get jobs and wants to feel superior to us. He knows that when we move we will be able to get jobs and leave his ass. We have helped him out so much and this is the thanks we get. Wants everyone to pay and do everything for him but when it comes to doing it back he doesnt. He does mind games instead.
Anywho the wrap up for the week is um internet is getting cut off by tomorrow or at least midnight tonight. Um just been one stress after another. Im greatful that My fiances mother is helping us to get some money and to let anthony get into the docs. Tomorrow or later on this week we will see what is wrong with his back and get his asthma inhalers. Um me ive been writing more and more to my story but chapter six is a bit hazy so sorry for the delay guys just trying to sort all of that. Also been doing my cross stitching and almost done with the tan on the bamboo. Taking forever because it is tedious and get bored after a while lol. Hm i guess that is everything for the wrap up of the week.
Talk to you guys later :)

March 25, 2010

well well well

well i just watched planet 51 and princess and the frog and they both were sadly flops. I mean planet 51 was alright but the main character wasnt even liked and that is what made it horrible. Um princess and the frog was just horrible from the beginning. Just telling little kids to play with voo doo and you have to work hard to get your dreams true. When they promoted for years that your wishes will always come true wishing on a star and now they are going to this. I just dont really like disney anymore. I mean they made so great classics but now they are just stinking. They cant even make any good movies anymore and have to take almost all their other films and put it into this. They could of done better in my opinion and not sure if i would watch anymore. Growing up to little mermaid and beauty and the beast and others were really great because back then they had ambition, inspiration and other things but now where did it all go? Just down the tubes. sigh all i got to say for now.

March 24, 2010

Sigh

Well today well almost today will be my last day online. Yes sadly i will not be on because due to the stupid uncle he has not paid the internet bill nor will he. So byebye to the internet. I will try to get on and blog about what is going on and so forth..still will be writing my novel and posting it whenever i can. I just hate when people say they will pay things on time and never do it. Why tell broken promises? To get pleasure out of it or what. I have been trying to write more and more each day but it is a little hard for im not sure if i should put in my dreams or what. Im stuck sigh but i know it will come to me

March 23, 2010

Todays thoughts

well today been doing cross stitching and downloading a lot of movies and books. Since our internet will be out in another two days cuz the uncle says he doesnt have the money to pay for it. Hm you know how i feel about this..why turn it on if you are not going to pay it..i know the answer lazy good for nothing person who wants others to pay his bills. So yea been downloading things and not really getting much sleep cuz of bullshit going on. Been trying to write more to chapter six and its getting a little harder but im writing little by little. Not sure when it will be up though. I guess thats all i have to say for now.

March 22, 2010

Just got up

Just got up from a very good nap. Today was movie day and it was fun.:) havent had one of those in a long long time. :D Um off and on been watching Orpehn the revenge at first it was sucky,no plot or anything but now its picking up and is really good. I love the dog named lucky reminds me of midnight :D. Well today we watch Dracula: dead and loving it but i fell asleep on it lol cuz of the bendryl and watched ponyo. Ponyo was alright thought it could of been better and it was missing something not sure what and of course the Dracula one is always good been a long long time seeing that one.
Of course uncle is being a butt. Wants us to clean and im not really doing it. I do it all the time get very sick and for what..no thankyou no i will help as well blah. :P well i think that is it for now. :)



This is the image of what my cross stitching will look like. enjoy it :)

Argh...

Okay well we went to Four Seasons place to eat today and man im breaking out big time. IF you guys dont know what it is..its a chinese place to eat. The food is good well except the mushroom chicken but the customer service is really horrible. I asked for a straw about two times never got one ugh and had to take my fiances straw instead.. and then they kept pushing appetizers on us and would not let that nor the soup down. Finally got soup to hush them up and it was pretty good. All and all the food is good but only for probably take out. I had hot and spicy chicken and something in the sweet and sour sauce has broken me out big time. Ugh..

Okay sorry guys i did not do a wrap up of last week and i apologize for that. So lets see what happened. Um uncle being an ass like always..nothing changes there. Hm no one is paying the internet bill so maybe in a few short weeks we will have to shut it off ONCE AGAIN.And will have to go to the library.. which is fine for me.. hmm loosing more and more weight.. fiance is really shocked of how much weight im loosing and i can tell i am by my wrists and hands. Way way small..almost bones really maybe a little fat on them. So sad that my rings which are sevens and seven and a half will not stay on my fingers. I wish i had a six to keep them in place but i dont so i have to look down to see if they are still on. Hm been downloading some stuff.. saw a good show that came out January of this year..which is about rome and the arena..love stuff like that and will download all of the series today. Hm started watching ponyo and its alright but could be better. I still love kikis delivery service and spirited away. Hm
been working more and more on my cross stitching, and almost done with the bamboo on the right side now. After that it will go pretty fast on the bamboo and get to the flowers and the hummingbird. Been reading renfield:slave of dracula and for some reason i have read this book but not sure when. Its really good im on chapter seventeen and cant put it down. I have written down some of the details i liked on how she described some things and hopefully put it into my novel somehow.. And yes ive been writing slowly on it. Some things take time with each chapter..and is to follow. I write bits and pieces each day on how im feeling and stuff.

WEll today it kinda snowed lol while im in a tanktop. I know im crazy but it is really warm out and it looked more like hail then snow because it stopped when we got home. I do wish that sometimes my life would be better than this and hopefully it will be. Well i guess that is it for the wrap up of last week. Talk to you guys soon.

March 21, 2010

Havent written today

well i havent written today and thought i should at least put something up. Well was looking at one of the peoples pics at the disney resort and brought up good memories. When we had money we did one of our dreams..go on vacation together. We picked to go to disney world.. had to book a lot of things so we wouldnt get stranded and then fly out there. Got to the dolphin hotel around midnight and ate a little bit and went to bed. next morning bright and early got tickets for all of the places which is four and go anytime we wanted. Went to the sarfia one and it was amazing. Loved all the plays they put on and the animals was great. We went there quite a bit. My favorite thing was the shows. Saw a bird show and that was really cool to see the birds fly over your head and do the commands. I had fun and got some pics of those.. and then went on some rides which scared the hell out of me lol. The second day into it we went to the other places and rode Tower of Terror. That almost gave me a heart attack. It makes you go up and down and your really high up.. Open up these windows and you can see out and you dont know when its going to bounce you back up either.. it did it like four to five times if they did it anymore i would have had a heart attack. Anthony was the only one laughing while the rest of us were screaming. Got out of that and was shaking. It was fun but im not sure if i will do that again lol. I also went on a roller coaster. Which that was very scary.. but i really liked it. We went on that one about five times. And we did splash mountian. Oh my gosh that was horrible. And it didnt get you that wet either. But the drops were really high and didnt know when it going to stop. We did that one once and didnt do that any other times.
Also went on a water ride one. Like the pengiun one at kentucky kingdom. I swore there was someone sitting across from me but no one saw it. Not sure if she was a ghost or what but she looked real to me. She smiled and thats all she really did.. smile and kept looking at me the whole time we was on it. It didnt freak me out just wonder who she was..
All and all i wouldnt go back there again. It was alright but there was ton of snobby people who look down at you just because you are not as rich as them. Um the water rides could have been better as well as the disney place... where gallerys and stuff was at. Next time we are choosing to do Bush gardens and hopefully will be able to do that. :) Very good memories here and i will never forget them :) ANd all the stuff he bought me there was just cool :D

March 20, 2010

Chapter five... not sure if its done

Where to turn or which way to go is always in your mind. Walking numbly,slowly through patches of decayed flesh, hanging on illed bark. Looking up to the murky sky, only to see shadows filtering in the sun. Why does it always have to be like this? Why does it always have to be decayed and smell of rotten flesh? What did I do to make it like this? I mean I was never like this as a kid? So what happened from that time to now? What have I become? Am I a monster and I don't know about it? What am I searching for? I see myself in the future with my lover but I'm not happy. Why am I not happy if I got what I wanted? Will I always be like this.... putting on a fake smile just to please everyone and never be happy with myself? Have this mask on where no one can see my emotions and hiding the scars from my abuse,on my arms. What have I done? Did I push everyone out of my life or did they never see who I truly am?
All of this circles in my mind while walking around the twisted kingdom, trying to pick up shards of myself, only to feel more of the shards I already pick up, become loose and start falling with each little step I take. Crystal shines behind me, telling a story that I can not even begin to tell. Some of the pieces sing a hush milky song,of horror and sorrow that no one will ever know. Some are hushed only showing pictures of inflicting pain,torture to this little soul. Bound,gagged and used in every way that someone has desired. Mind left her young body, only to roam around this realm. Hiding deep inside this world, only to be lost in body and soul.
Not knowing where to go,or what to even look for. Just walking and thinking of everything that has happened. Looking up once in a while to see nothing familiar to her,just scrambled pieces that once was her. All twisted and jarred from time and experience. Why do this images haunt me to this day? Why do I have to see the little girl and evil mermaid in my mind? Why do they want me here so badly? What have I done??? I'm afraid that I will be stuck in this realm for years to come, with each step I take makes my faith dim lightly inside of me. This fight inside of me grows harder and harder. Like quick sand holding me down in this very spot. Keeping me here to only be in misery and never find my happy ending. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick and tired of walking this world over and over just to try and find myself. The more and more I fight the more I feel myself growing weaker to fight these feelings of hurting myself,keeping myself down in this pit.
Its like I'm the one that keeps these chains around me, bounding my soul to this underworld that I have made in my life. Remembering of the things in my life, only to see the bad and the ugly growing each moment of my life. Where did all my good memories go? Did they dim just as well with my faith? Where did God go? God are you even there? If so why arnt you helping me?
I need you in this time but I cant hear you at all. Do you even love me anymore? Did I make you unhappy with me hurting myself more and more? Please God help me, I want to do things for you but its so hard when I cant hear or feel you near me. Did you abandoned me in my time of darkness? Is this where I belong? In this twisted kingdom or do I belong somewhere else,like a place a lot darker than this and way colder? Or is this just perfect for a lost person to roam around?
Words can not tell how much pain I'm feeling right now, only speechless of all thoughts, thats cascading into the wind. The milky moon shines down its pale light only to reflect a ghost of this world. Silence is my only relief, while mangled thoughts of blood and me gone, fills my deepest desires inside of myself. I'm loosing myself more and more each day, longing for escape of both these world of my twisted kingdom and myself. Whispers of my fragmented self sings a sultry tune inside my deathly flesh. Singing a tale of death lurking in the shadows, waiting,watching for me to slip and fall into his grasps.
He lurks in the shadows, watching my every move, wondering when I will loose myself deeper into this kingdom, for him to whisk me up from the depths of hell, only to take me somewhere else in the firey pits of my lost mind. I try to escape his grip, falling and falling into a never ending hole, only to find myself plopped into another dimension of myself, racing through barren places, Ive never been too. I see before me is my hourglass, seeping sand through its hand, telling me to hurry before its too late. Yet where do I go? Where do I run?
Running through this so called place my thoughts run back to a time I don't want to remember. My heart is racing, pumping venom into my veins, while my mind races about a different era. I see my lover dancing a waltz dance with me. Laughing and loving I see in my eyes. Nothing could hurt me,with my lover there to protect me. The more I see the more I know something isnt quite right. There is a haunted shadow in those icy blue eyes, that doesnt reach her smile, as if her eyes are telling me something different without taking a breath to say it.
What are those eyes saying? Shaking away those thoughts, I see that I'm pushing away the one person I love dearly. Pushing him deeper inside of himself, for only him to question mine and Gods love each day that passes. Pondering on what should and would be of the future as our lives unfold in this slippery web, tangling us more into the deathly trap each day. Unspoken words of doubt are said between us, while dancing to the different rhythms of our hearts. Trying to keep up with each other, wondering if I disappointed you because you didnt get your dream girl,instead got this broken woman instead who wonders what you think when your eyes wonder off in space. Those sparkling burgundy eyes twinkle with passion and what dreams you want to have. Will I ever be in the equation of your hopes and dreams? Or will I be alone, rotting in my dirty cell, pondering on how to get out of this rut.
I ask myself a thousand times if not more if you truly love this girl or do you just say it so she wont break anymore than she has when you had found her? If you really do love her why do you stay with her? What makes you love her,when she is not even whole in the beginning? Do you see a part of yourself deep inside her, and wanting to piece her back together, so you can be whole as well? How many times do you have to save this girl before you leave in the end? Did I truly fail as the girl you wanted so dearly in the years you were searching? Have I lost you already,after so many years of knowing me? All of these thoughts race through my mind, when I see your twinkling eyes dull and think of other things than me. What have I become in order to hurt you so deeply, to question our love. Have I ruin our relationship in order to save myself?
Or am I a curse to everyone who gets near me? The people who love me and stay near me, hurt so much, live a horrible life,wishing that they can be better than what they have become. Did I do this or was this destiny in the first place? For only them to live in misery at their gates of their spirit. Knocking so hard to come in and wipe away all they have known. To bring in the chilly bitterly wings of doubt, to cloud over their minds. Only to numb all their feelings and bring in death at their door. Luring them into a pit of uncertainty that cascades down in tumbling fog. Covering them in smoky lies, entangling them into a bed of unconscious dreams. That speak to them through alluring velvety voices,whispering,mumbling of things to come. Drifting farther and farther, unable to climb out when its already too late.

Pondering on things...

Hm well ive been reading Renfield:slave of dracula and for some reason i think i have read this book. Not sure if it was at my old place or at school but it brings up things. Its a really good book..really gothic and detailed almost like a poem sorta and keeps you in the book for long periods of time. It helps me write more and more to my story but still wondering where i read this at.lol I always get books that i have read in the past..forget them and reread them and find out that i have read them before. Sigh im slow at times lol.. Well for today im going to finish up chapter five which i think it feels done but we will see how it goes when i type it up and when i think its done post it up on here. Ive been getting a lot of good ideas..kinda like for poems but more for my story and what is going on inside of me. Well i think im done rambling for now..Talk to you guys later :)

March 19, 2010

Redid Chapter four to my story here you go...

Walking down this long hallway in the twisted kingdom, I find myself how did I get here. I don't remember walking down this floor before. I'm guessing its about four floors up,never knew it had any levels to it till now, but the reason why I'm here is I hear someone, I think a girl crying. I was curious and wanted to see what was going on. I slowly walk through the dim lit hallway, seeing shadows being played out on the walls. Thinking that maybe these shadows have happened to people without them every knowing what has happened. On one of the walls pretty far away, I see two shadows,who look like a couple,dancing in the distance. To a silent song for only them to hear, and when I get closer to the image I see that its a demon, dancing with a girl.
He is serenading her with whisper lies, to follow him into the dark kingdom, for him to take another victim for his taking. The more I come close to it the more I see of the scene taking place and its me. Eyes widen I give out a gasp, running away from the scene playing on the burgundy walls.
Running as fast as I can, I come to a fast walk about few doors down, holding my head in my hands. Sobbing out of breath, I calm down a little bit and I stare at the floor. Eyes focus in again after wiping the tears away, I see that there is bloody spots on the floor. What is this? Is this coming from me? Did someone hurt themselves? After having these thoughts I check myself to see if I accidentally hit myself without noticing it. I check everywhere and it wasnt coming from me.
Curiously I follow the blood streaked floor and it leads me to a oak door that is numbered 3z. Whats behind this door? Running my hand over the lettering, it feels like I've been here before. But how could this be? This is the first time ive been here so how could I remember this place at all? Is this what Emily was talking about? A blocked memory that is trying to surface up in me? My heart quickens, gasping for breath, my mind feel like its going to shatter any moment. No,no I cant do this. I cant shatter myself now. I put too much effort into finding all of me. I don't want to be stuck here forever. Leaning against the door, you hear whimpering behind the door. You contemplate if this is a good idea to open it up and see what is happening. Shaking away those thoughts you think it is best to just do it.
Hand on the handle you linger for a minutes, praying that this is the right thing and that you can handle this. Holding your breath you open the door you gasp,taking in the surroundings in the room. They look familiar but at the same time they don't. Something deep in your gut, is telling you that this is wrong, but you made the decision to do this. Your eyes focusing on the scene before you, seeing that its very dark,and very cold. You kinda remember that this is the basement way back when you were just a kid. The memory starts to flood you and you scream inside your head,NO NO NO I don't want to be here but I want to get over this at the same time.
Memory of you just being a kid, too many guys surrounding me, screaming(LET ME GO!! HELP HELP) Sobbing, hitting,flaying around me but I cant see nothing around me the silhouettes of the guys and something neon colors around. Whats going on? Whats going to happen? Feeling myself breathing hard, body pushed up against the wall/door panic rises up. Oh the familiar feeling of panic bubbling out of me, while crystal frost overflow my tight shut eyes. Sliding down to the floor, lost in the memory,shaking my head back and forth,wanting the torment to stop. Flashbacks come back, all the dreams ive had that were so vivid were actually true. Why did these dreams have to be real? Why did I come in here? I thought this would help, but all it did was bring up bad things, feelings I had shut off long ago. Why bring them back up? Is it to stop the wounds to ever get reopened in the near future? What is the purpose of this exercise I'm trying to put here? Those voices sound so familiar, slippery with a hidden agenda behind it. Saying everything is fine when its not. Why would anyone want to hurt a fragile child to the point like this? Manipulate this poor child into thinking everything is fine and that you will not hurt her. Why do this? After all these questions come up something deep inside of you takes over. Its a soft lullaby voice,soothing your broken heart. You fall deeply into that warmth, God whispering loving words to you. A promise in which he is keeping but you have forgotten what he has promised you. This will drive you nuts after figuring out he promised you something and not knowing what it was about.
Being lost on this broken road for so long that you have wandered into a cemetery, wishing that death will take you but for years it has never come true. Don't even know who you are anymore, has made you scared of yourself,not trusting anyone..not even yourself. You start to ponder know did I really loose all of myself as a child when this stuff has happened? Am I so lost that the only creatures who know my pain and suffering is demons? Why does everything in here have to be so twisted and turned around? I thought I knew myself better than this, but I guess I'm mistaken because this is a totally different person.
I'm always coming back to this fork in the road that has on its little signs....UP: LOST MEMORYS, DOWN: LONG ROAD AHEAD OF YOU, RIGHT: DIRT PATH, LEFT: SHATTERED SELF........BETWEEN RIGHT AND UP: TORN THOUGHTS, BETWEEN LEFT AND UP: MURKY WATER. Which way am I suppose to go? Is there a right or wrong way to go? Have I been down this road so many times that any road I take it will be a bad choice? How do I know what road to take on this beaten path of mine. Each test I go through is a murky place.
I just walk straight and keep walking deeper and deeper into my jungle of twisted memories. Getting lost in this murky place,not know who I am is scary for a little girl that I am. What am I suppose to do? Where am I suppose to go? Memories float by on sulky clouds, only to make me remember something I want to forget. Only those forgotten fragments of me resurface each time something horrible in my future,,drudges up these things. Wanting so badly to go back to that old me, hide my feelings and only let them out on my arm. Taking everything I am and marking new marks upon my arm,blood running out, feels so relaxing and calming for only a mere second. Wishing it would stay longer each time I do it, but that is never the case. Its only a taste of a sulky heaven in my mind. Only to weave myself back in this sticky web, that only lets you glimpse a taste of what will happen if you keep doing this to yourself.
Terrified you must feel, walking along these beaten paths in your mind alone, only to make that feeling intense with each step,breathe you take, takes you deeper inside your insane mind. Watching clips of yourself in the future, trapped in this web for centuries to come. You only remember a little of how you got here but don't know how to unlock the door to get out. Maybe this is your destiny. To live in this unforgotten place where no one can see how you feel or what you have went through. Maybe its a good choice to stay here. To live alone in this deathly place.

Good grief

shessh why does he always do this? throws a tissy fit because i want to be on just for a few minutes. Its like he cant even share it. In all techinal things its my computer..he bought it for me. So im the one being nice and sharing it.. if i wanted to i can tell him he cant be on at all. But im not like that. I share my stuff with him yet he cant do it back. He threw a tissy fit by slamming the door and i really dont care. Hell hes on it almost all day and i get it for maybe an hour if im lucky. I dont complain at all but till now. I want to be on just to blog a little and tell people im here. Im not sure what his problem is but he doesnt want to talk to me just get on here and talk to others.
Anyways after that i was going to say how today was. Just as usual the uncle is being an ass. Next we went to the junk yard to get another hatch..and he says he doesnt have money to get us food but he gets a hatch for ninety dollars...and now going to the car wash and other things. How is that possible and saying his garnishment is still up.. when it really is done and that he gave a hundred to nacey. I just dont get why he wants to play mind games. Saying his heart fluttered and that he needs to look into life insurance beacuse he doesnt want to die a nobody and does it right in front of us. Like its our fault or something that he will die. Im tired of it,, and the people at the junk yard are pigs. Saying that girls are all emotional and stuff and that just flustered me. Ugh well i think thats about enough rambling for today. sigh

March 18, 2010

Back in the Twisted Kingdom..poem

NO one understands my hurt
from the very core of my being

ripping out my heart
and tearing it to shreds

only to be paper mache
to the wind
where it will howl
my pain and suffereing
of this world

No one understands who iam
or what ive become

still i get lost on the rugged path
that i had beaten
so many years ago

Down the hollow woods
where my death awaits me

following the rasphy lullaby
in the chilly wind

to only see
decay all around me

i circle around
to see im the only one here
again...

Why do i keep coming back
to this twisted kingdom

where only pain and suffereing
of mine from past to future

to be repeated for many
centures.
why cant anyone hear me?

Why do i see all of this around me?
why do i feel these feelings..
of death and darkness

only in a hollow forest
made of twisted nightmares
from me...

will i ever get out of here
alive and well?

or will i be this messed up
little girl
to only have hurt and anger
caged inside her

To only build up
and lash it out on
herself...

punishing herself
for not being something better

maybe a somebody
in someones life

instead of this
lonely loser
who is only burdening
her lover..
with many regrets and failures
in her ife

why does this have to happen?
will anyone hear me?
will i get out?
and help my prince charming
instead of bringing him down?

More and more i get lost
tangled up in a pit of
gnarly webs

snagging my dress
and making me fall
with huge bruises
rising from the
cold hard depth of herself

memories surrounds her being
engulfing her.. into a big
black pool of sorrow
hurt and anger

to only make her more
lonely more distant
of people
she loves dearly

Sinking further and further
into that pit..
not realizing whats going on

wishing that she can get out
that she will be fine..
and have a wonderful forest
instead of this stinkin
decayed forest

no one will never know this
no one will ever hear
the howlings of her pain
her sorrows

only to be buried
under more unforgotten
fragments of herself

layered with hurt
and pain.. for all the time to come

sinking into the deathly flesh
that was once her beautiful self.....

Watched the season finale of physc

well it was a really good show till the end lol. im still scratching my head on that. Im not sure who mr yin is..well maybe i do but its only an inkling. I think its yangs husband of the way they showed it at the end. Very good ending to it. just i dont know if they are trying to add another person into it or what.. but if they do i think it will totally mess it up because why bring someone into the season at the end? isnt it suppose to wrap up the season well anyways it was really good and made you think :D

March 17, 2010

Hmm what to say lol

Ugh i hate mega video for anime. You can only watch like three full episodes before you have to wait about an hour and five minutes to watch anymore of that show.Sigh what is someone to do while waiting for their show hm hm. LOl
Well people keep asking if my poetry is up for sale. Well it isnt for now because i have to go through all the two hundred or so poems which are like epic size ones and edit them. Ugh that will take forever lol They also wanted to know why i post them up on my site. Well because i want people to see it and comment on it and to work and make my poetry better. Yes they do have flaws lol So why do you guys want my poetry or interested in them and my stories? KInda wondering what you think when i write them because i really dont have any feedback on them.
Next subject hmm daddy is being mean lol he is wanting to play abrasion play and it kinda scares me becuase of my cutting. I mean its fun and all i just dont want to do it all the time. I guess thats all i have to say on that but glad that he is strict now :D
Well today has been boring but man what is up with all the mortocycles today? i know its st pattys day and all but come on. It kinda drives me nuts hearing them revve up and then go. Its just stupid lol. anyways im gonna go now. Talk to you soon.

Well today is St.pattys day

Well for one i want to say happy st pattys day.:D Im going to drink tonight..going to mike my straight vodak with maybe cranberry apple juice. wonder how thats going to taste like.:D Wondering if anyone is going to bash in the uncles windows on his car lol never fails on holidays here. Mostly the drunks come to the gas station and then think hey no one is going to know it and then do it. Ugh it sucks lol.
Another thing is that things have been on my mind. Mostly my cross stitching..thats been going pretty fast and thinking that i may have enough threads for it. I hope lol i dont want to not finish this project like i did with my tiger one. I had to stop it because im out of the colors and dont have the money to finish it. But im putting it to the side for now and had started on my humming bird one. I will put pictures up each day on how far ive gotten and what it looks like in the end. So far its coming out really good lol just had to use a different color for one but you canr really notice it till i point it out lol.
Other things on my mind is mostly my dream,,which i will tell in a minute.. and what im going to do for the day..dont have food and have to wait for a while before getting any. So im kinda hungry and nothing really to snack on. Sigh i already at my bake goods lol they dont last that long in the house.
Okay so with the dream.. It really bummed me out.. here it goes.
Well it was me my fiance and the uncle. Me and anthony were out doing things and i was only in a shirt and panties. Its all i had and we were walking home. I was fine with it till i saw this huge huge hill and i was scared. I didnt want to go up it because i knew i would fall and kill myself and i didnt want that. So i told anthony can we phone your uncle to give us a ride home so we did that. Went to a gas station and i phoned him. He answered and asked and he said no because he was going to work and stuff and i just hung up. I was upset and anthony said well we will just sell the computer to get some money to stay in a hotel for a few nights. Well we go to the pawn shop and i sold my computer for 225 dollars and that got us a few nights there to ourselves and i finally get clothes. Finally get them on we go walking around and i see zaxbys and i ask him if we can go there...so we do.. and that is the last thing i remember of that dream.. went to another one which was really bizarre.
Well was walking in the woods and kayla was there. She was alright but she kinda looked odd. I asked if she was alright and she said yea.. and this monster thing pops up out of nowhere. We run as fast as we can and i hide under a tree..holding on to my stuff animal..praying that i will be alright. After that it switced that i was back at my old place. It was very dark in the house maybe like three or four in the morning. I was talking to kayla. She got up that early before she had to go to school. She got on the computer and was talking to her friend. Her friend i think it was racheal not sure but she looked like she wasnt feeling well. I asked if she was alright and she said yea but i knew she was lieing. After a while kayla comes out and says that shes a werewolf and that she accidently turned her friend into one. And she was going through the stages of it. It was spooky and creepy. but that was it on that one.

Then i had one where i was going shopping with mom. Mom had her brown purse and i took over the shopping cart. I had my coat and the purse in the cart and for some reason they flew all over the place. I went to go get everything and her stuff was in like four aisles and had to find all of it before someone stoled her stuff. I had an employee ask me what i was doing and told her that i was picking up my stuff. I was getting all the pens and this one customer loved pens and was going to pick it up and i said excuse me thats mine. It switched to school but dont really remember that was all about.
Last night dreams were really crazy and the first time i remember my dreams. I think this is enough rambling for a few lol

March 16, 2010

ANIME TIME...woohoo

Hehe finally get to finish watching Inuyasha..oh my gosh this is my all time favorite anime. Since daddy doesnt really like it i have to watch it on my own and for years i have been saying i hated the ending they put for the anime verison while the manga kept going. It really sucked till about a few months ago i found out that they have more. Oh my gosh i squealed and jumped up and down like a little girl. This is my favorite romance anime of all time.
This is the first thing i saw getting into anime and from there its been nothing like this stuff. I love it. Im happy that they made more of inuyasha probably because of the fans out there was unpleased of the results to it. Hehe on another note..maybe tonight or later on i can finally get finished Blood plus which is another good one im into lol. Its been about three years since ive seen it sigh and never gotten to really see them. Wonder how many more they made and if they are still making them? So what anime do you guys like? me i love shoujo and things like inuyasha and chobits.. need to have a good plot and good animation. Hopefully i can find some others for me and daddy to watch. HEhe well ill go for now just wanted to blog about what i was thinking at the moment and its all about anime lol

Finished Watching Black Cat

well We got done watching Black Cat... which is a anime..It was alright but the ending really sucked. They all went different directions except The nano girl and the sweeper guy. I thought it could of been better in my mind but it had its funny parts in it. Corny but funny. Hm a question what other anime is fun to watch.. like girly um dont know how to spell that word lol shoujo i think but has a plot line. Kinda like chobits. I loved that anime..or inuyasha. I want to watch the other twelve but my daddy doesnt want to read it lol. i think that reading them are way better than actually just watching. Well please write some animes down and see what they are about :)

Its been a while

Well its been a while since i posted lol that means probably for the whole day. So yay im happy Daddy is finally back. I mean he is always here since i live with him 24/7 but the last week he wasnt even dominant and i need it to balance myself out and he finally came back. Ahh i missed it so much :) I love this side of him and wish he could keep it out a lot longer. :) But other than that today has been slow and some people are just plain stupid.
On facebook on submissive board this one girl wanted to know why i was laughing so i told her because she said she wouldnt judge well come to find out she did judge after all. Saying that im being mean and stuff when really i was telling the truth. If you dont like what i have to say then why ask in the first place. Dont like it then kiss my ass lol im going to be me for now on.. like it or not. This is who i am..Tired of keeping myself hidden under lock and key because i get hurt all the time. I know im stronger than this and finally can spread my wings.
Some people really should keep out of things they do not know about. Seriously dont ask questions if you do not want to know the truth. I hate when you have to tiptoe around people on eggshells because they will get mad at what you say. Why should we do that? I mean its stupid. You wanted an answer gave it now suck it up shessh. Well i guess im done rambling for right now.

March 15, 2010

When it rains it just down pours

Well here we ago again on this. The uncle says that his sister knows this guy who is the uncles age gay and a christian but having problems with his family and wants to come here. Um bad idea..for a week now i had this feeling something bad was going to happen adn guess what my gut instincts are right. He wants him here and its a bad bad idea. My already sick to my stomach and its going to be like this till he doesnt come or he does. Its all happening again. The uncle doesnt learn his lesson...
july of last year...same problem but two boys one around my age and one my sis age seventeen and asked if they could come here. Bad idea from the start because i had bad feeling from this since he told me..i was sick till they came and they were nobodys. Always smoking pot and doing nothing else. Thank God that left two days after because they couldnt find a good dealer here. and now its happening all over again.
I think he will do it just to spite me and im not going to be a happy camper. the aunt always have loser friends and when she doesnt like them she pawns them off on us. Like we will deal with stuff. I already have enough on my plate and from this im worried and want to cut all because of this crap. Come on i just want a break and not be sick for months on straight. Sigh please pray for me and hopefully this wont come true.