About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

March 20, 2010

Chapter five... not sure if its done

Where to turn or which way to go is always in your mind. Walking numbly,slowly through patches of decayed flesh, hanging on illed bark. Looking up to the murky sky, only to see shadows filtering in the sun. Why does it always have to be like this? Why does it always have to be decayed and smell of rotten flesh? What did I do to make it like this? I mean I was never like this as a kid? So what happened from that time to now? What have I become? Am I a monster and I don't know about it? What am I searching for? I see myself in the future with my lover but I'm not happy. Why am I not happy if I got what I wanted? Will I always be like this.... putting on a fake smile just to please everyone and never be happy with myself? Have this mask on where no one can see my emotions and hiding the scars from my abuse,on my arms. What have I done? Did I push everyone out of my life or did they never see who I truly am?
All of this circles in my mind while walking around the twisted kingdom, trying to pick up shards of myself, only to feel more of the shards I already pick up, become loose and start falling with each little step I take. Crystal shines behind me, telling a story that I can not even begin to tell. Some of the pieces sing a hush milky song,of horror and sorrow that no one will ever know. Some are hushed only showing pictures of inflicting pain,torture to this little soul. Bound,gagged and used in every way that someone has desired. Mind left her young body, only to roam around this realm. Hiding deep inside this world, only to be lost in body and soul.
Not knowing where to go,or what to even look for. Just walking and thinking of everything that has happened. Looking up once in a while to see nothing familiar to her,just scrambled pieces that once was her. All twisted and jarred from time and experience. Why do this images haunt me to this day? Why do I have to see the little girl and evil mermaid in my mind? Why do they want me here so badly? What have I done??? I'm afraid that I will be stuck in this realm for years to come, with each step I take makes my faith dim lightly inside of me. This fight inside of me grows harder and harder. Like quick sand holding me down in this very spot. Keeping me here to only be in misery and never find my happy ending. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick and tired of walking this world over and over just to try and find myself. The more and more I fight the more I feel myself growing weaker to fight these feelings of hurting myself,keeping myself down in this pit.
Its like I'm the one that keeps these chains around me, bounding my soul to this underworld that I have made in my life. Remembering of the things in my life, only to see the bad and the ugly growing each moment of my life. Where did all my good memories go? Did they dim just as well with my faith? Where did God go? God are you even there? If so why arnt you helping me?
I need you in this time but I cant hear you at all. Do you even love me anymore? Did I make you unhappy with me hurting myself more and more? Please God help me, I want to do things for you but its so hard when I cant hear or feel you near me. Did you abandoned me in my time of darkness? Is this where I belong? In this twisted kingdom or do I belong somewhere else,like a place a lot darker than this and way colder? Or is this just perfect for a lost person to roam around?
Words can not tell how much pain I'm feeling right now, only speechless of all thoughts, thats cascading into the wind. The milky moon shines down its pale light only to reflect a ghost of this world. Silence is my only relief, while mangled thoughts of blood and me gone, fills my deepest desires inside of myself. I'm loosing myself more and more each day, longing for escape of both these world of my twisted kingdom and myself. Whispers of my fragmented self sings a sultry tune inside my deathly flesh. Singing a tale of death lurking in the shadows, waiting,watching for me to slip and fall into his grasps.
He lurks in the shadows, watching my every move, wondering when I will loose myself deeper into this kingdom, for him to whisk me up from the depths of hell, only to take me somewhere else in the firey pits of my lost mind. I try to escape his grip, falling and falling into a never ending hole, only to find myself plopped into another dimension of myself, racing through barren places, Ive never been too. I see before me is my hourglass, seeping sand through its hand, telling me to hurry before its too late. Yet where do I go? Where do I run?
Running through this so called place my thoughts run back to a time I don't want to remember. My heart is racing, pumping venom into my veins, while my mind races about a different era. I see my lover dancing a waltz dance with me. Laughing and loving I see in my eyes. Nothing could hurt me,with my lover there to protect me. The more I see the more I know something isnt quite right. There is a haunted shadow in those icy blue eyes, that doesnt reach her smile, as if her eyes are telling me something different without taking a breath to say it.
What are those eyes saying? Shaking away those thoughts, I see that I'm pushing away the one person I love dearly. Pushing him deeper inside of himself, for only him to question mine and Gods love each day that passes. Pondering on what should and would be of the future as our lives unfold in this slippery web, tangling us more into the deathly trap each day. Unspoken words of doubt are said between us, while dancing to the different rhythms of our hearts. Trying to keep up with each other, wondering if I disappointed you because you didnt get your dream girl,instead got this broken woman instead who wonders what you think when your eyes wonder off in space. Those sparkling burgundy eyes twinkle with passion and what dreams you want to have. Will I ever be in the equation of your hopes and dreams? Or will I be alone, rotting in my dirty cell, pondering on how to get out of this rut.
I ask myself a thousand times if not more if you truly love this girl or do you just say it so she wont break anymore than she has when you had found her? If you really do love her why do you stay with her? What makes you love her,when she is not even whole in the beginning? Do you see a part of yourself deep inside her, and wanting to piece her back together, so you can be whole as well? How many times do you have to save this girl before you leave in the end? Did I truly fail as the girl you wanted so dearly in the years you were searching? Have I lost you already,after so many years of knowing me? All of these thoughts race through my mind, when I see your twinkling eyes dull and think of other things than me. What have I become in order to hurt you so deeply, to question our love. Have I ruin our relationship in order to save myself?
Or am I a curse to everyone who gets near me? The people who love me and stay near me, hurt so much, live a horrible life,wishing that they can be better than what they have become. Did I do this or was this destiny in the first place? For only them to live in misery at their gates of their spirit. Knocking so hard to come in and wipe away all they have known. To bring in the chilly bitterly wings of doubt, to cloud over their minds. Only to numb all their feelings and bring in death at their door. Luring them into a pit of uncertainty that cascades down in tumbling fog. Covering them in smoky lies, entangling them into a bed of unconscious dreams. That speak to them through alluring velvety voices,whispering,mumbling of things to come. Drifting farther and farther, unable to climb out when its already too late.

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