About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

March 14, 2010

well part of Chapter four.. thought i was done but im not liking it sigh

Walking down this long hallway in the twisted kingdom, I find myself how did I get here. I don't remember walking down this floor before. I'm guessing its about four floors up,never knew it had any levels to it till now, but the reason why I'm here is I hear someone, I think a girl crying. I was curious and wanted to see what was going on. I slowly walk through the dim lit hallway, seeing shadows being played out on the walls. Thinking that maybe these shadows have happened to people without them every knowing what has happened. On one of the walls pretty far away, I see two shadows,who look like a couple,dancing in the distance. To a silent song for only them to hear, and when I get closer to the image I see that its a demon, dancing with a girl.
He is serenading her with whisper lies, to follow him into the dark kingdom, for him to take another victim for his taking. The more I come close to it the more I see of the scene taking place and its me. Eyes widen I give out a gasp, running away from the scene playing on the burgundy walls.
Running as fast as I can, I come to a fast walk about few doors down, holding my head in my hands. Sobbing out of breath, I calm down a little bit and I stare at the floor. Eyes focus in again after wiping the tears away, I see that there is bloody spots on the floor. What is this? Is this coming from me? Did someone hurt themselves? After having these thoughts I check myself to see if I accidentally hit myself without noticing it. I check everywhere and it wasnt coming from me.
Curiously I follow the blood streaked floor and it leads me to a oak door that is numbered 3z. Whats behind this door? Running my hand over the lettering, it feels like I've been here before. But how could this be? This is the first time ive been here so how could I remember this place at all? Is this what Emily was talking about? A blocked memory that is trying to surface up in me? My heart quickens, gasping for breath, my mind feel like its going to shatter any moment. No,no I cant do this. I cant shatter myself now. I put too much effort into finding all of me. I don't want to be stuck here forever. Leaning against the door, you hear whimpering behind the door. You contemplate if this is a good idea to open it up and see what is happening. Shaking away those thoughts you think it is best to just do it.
Hand on the handle you linger for a minutes, praying that this is the right thing and that you can handle this. Holding your breath you open the door you gasp,taking in the surroundings in the room. They look familiar but at the same time they don't. Something deep in your gut, is telling you that this is wrong, but you made the decision to do this. Your eyes focusing on the scene before you, seeing that its very dark,and very cold. You kinda remember that this is the basement way back when you were just a kid. The memory starts to flood you and you scream inside your head,NO NO NO I don't want to be here but I want to get over this at the same time.
Memory of you just being a kid, too many guys surrounding me, screaming(LET ME GO!! HELP HELP) Sobbing, hitting,flaying around me but I cant see nothing around me the silhouettes of the guys and something neon colors around. Whats going on? Whats going to happen? Feeling myself breathing hard, body pushed up against the wall/door panic rises up. Oh the familiar feeling of panic bubbling out of me, while crystal frost overflow my tight shut eyes. Sliding down to the floor, lost in the memory,shaking my head back and forth,wanting the torment to stop. Flashbacks come back, all the dreams ive had that were so vivid were actually true. Why did these dreams have to be real? Why did I come in here? I thought this would help, but all it did was bring up bad things, feelings I had shut off long ago. Why bring them back up? Is it to stop the wounds to ever get reopened in the near future? What is the purpose of this exercise I'm trying to put here? Those voices sound so familiar, slippery with a hidden agenda behind it. Saying everything is fine when its not. Why would anyone want to hurt a fragile child to the point like this? Manipulate this poor child into thinking everything is fine and that you will not hurt her. Why do this? After all these questions come up something deep inside of you takes over. Its a soft lullaby voice,soothing your broken heart. You fall deeply into that warmth, God whispering loving words to you. A promise in which he is keeping but you have forgotten what he has promised you. This will drive you nuts after figuring out he promised you something and not knowing what it was about.
Being lost on this broken road for so long that you have wandered into a cemetery, wishing that death will take you but for years it has never come true. Don't even know who you are anymore, has made you scared of yourself,not trusting anyone..not even yourself. You start to ponder know did I really loose all of myself as a child when this stuff has happened? Am I so lost that the only creatures who know my pain and suffering is demons? Why does everything in here have to be so twisted and turned around? I thought I knew myself better than this, but I guess I'm mistaken because this is a totally different person.
I'm always coming back to this fork in the road that has on its little signs....UP: LOST MEMORYS, DOWN: LONG ROAD AHEAD OF YOU, RIGHT: DIRT PATH, LEFT: SHATTERED SELF........BETWEEN RIGHT AND UP: TORN THOUGHTS, BETWEEN LEFT AND UP: MURKY WATER. Which way am I suppose to go? Is there a right or wrong way to go? Have I been down this road so many times that any road I take it will be a bad choice? How do I know what road to take on this beaten path of mine. Each test I go through is a murky place.
I finally decide to take the road to MURKY WATER. I start to walk down this path and I feel myself sinking slowly into the muddy water. What is this place? Is it just what it says on the sign? Feeling the bones and flesh that use to be on these people who got lost in the kingdom. Died from not knowing how to get out of it. Only lost in the broken memories that torment them each day of their lives. Will this happen to me? I don't want to be like the rest of these dead people. I want to get out and be a happy child. The more I walk into this place.. there is a little island or dock, hurrying to get to it but the water grabs onto me, sinking me farther and farther in,,so I cant make it to the dock in time.

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