About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

April 14, 2010

Chapter 7 :D enjoy it

Darkened glass shapes the foggy home that belongs to you. Tiny rays of kaleidoscope colors twinkle on the rug. Shining an untold tale that once happened to this little girl that has blinded her for many of years. Tears of ruby drops twinkle down her dainty wan face. Spilling to the luscious floor only to spread more and more of her pain onto this bare harsh world. Numbness takes over her while old thoughts race through her mind. Filling her with agony and resentment for the things she never did. All these wounds finally claim their rightful place on her body/world. To finally be put to silent of what had happened to this young girl.
Will they always stay away? Or will they come back and haunt her again and again, just like today? These little flicker of thoughts flash an instant in her mind, while all the sticky crimson liquid soaks into her clothes. Soaking up each hurt each regret each feeling she had of these world. Only for them to be soaked up and forgotten once more in this ugly realm she had made up. Will these thoughts this place go away once she has died and forgotten who she ever was. The sultry midnight voice springs out of nowhere, calling her to hurt herself once again. Singing that melancholy song that sings to her veins. Wanting that glimpse of glory of blood seeping out of the veins once more, to bring the relief it brings for this young girl again.
Slumber-less nights only bring on the nightmares that hide inside this girls mind. Only to be awaken when her conscience is not in play. Why do these nightmares have to stay here? Why do they have to come out when I can not handle myself through this ugly maze. I see the rapes vividly and the abuse that only makes me run away from the things I went through. Only for them to chase me through the lands to find me once again. Why do they have to chase me all the time? Why do they want to haunt me when all I want is relief from myself, from these pains and suffering I went through. Have I changed through these years? Mind so twisted so gnarled through this kingdom that I split myself into these young girls in the twisted kingdom? Is this what has happened? Is the midnight voice with the anger vibes inside my bones, am I her? Or is she something completely different from me? How do I know who I am when I'm not sure who these girls are inside of my kingdom?
I look up to see starless night with smoky fog filling the diry night with empty promises. Feeling of dread and emptiness sinks more and more in me, leaving me feeling like a zombie in this heartless world. Why do I have to be like this? Why does my body feel so out of place when my soul is somewhere else? Why does this have to happen to me. Did I did do this to myself at a young age? To hide my soul from the monsters that had hurt my body. Hiding my mind from those who wanted to devour it in a minutes time? Why run away from all of this? The monsters are not here anymore, only memories of them stay in my salted wounds. So why do I still run from these memories? I should be stronger than this. So why? Thats the question..
The cemetery maze is made up of dead vines that had grown out of proportion on flaky brown hedges. Leaves of long ago crunch underneath my ballet slippers, growing louder with each step I take. Heart pounds a little louder and a beat faster as I walk more into the maze. Wondering what is in this little girls head.

Always a burden to those I love so dear. People always have to crush my dreams and my happiness just to get by in this ugly world. Why does everyone have to be cruel to me, have to hurt me in ways just because I'm a girl or a girl who doesnt take crap from anyone? Why do they feel threatened by me when I'm only trying to be who I am deep inside? Do they want to crush my soul and become this ugly monster that lingers inside my slumbering body? Do they want me to be this stupid puppet on strings to obey every command of theirs? Is this why my life has to be horrible because inside I wish no I hope that I can be me around anyone and yet this has to happen.
Why do people want to run my life? Are they unhappy with themselves that they have to run my life and not let me live it the way I want too? Are they just pathetic and the only way for them to be happy, because if this is true then this is very sad. I want to be happy I want to be the one who runs her own life. One who can speak out to whatever is on her mind. Not be hinder up in this body that screams, longs for release. Why cant she get it? Why does she have to hide herself up each and every time. Is she afraid to get hurt again? I know deep down she wants out, I can feel her silent screams rushing to the surface. But nothing comes out, only little vapors of bubbles that pop with each little wind prick.
That sultry voice comes up from the back of her mind, whispering those longing words for her to obey. Each time its harder to fight this voice, harder to fight herself in this state of manner. How can she get out of this rut? How can she fight this battle on her own and win? Can she do this or does she need that one person who believes in her, to help her soul out in the end. Will anyone hear this little mouse on the tether lines, screaming her heart out for anyone to come to her. To save her from the nightmare that goes on with each breath she takes? Does anyone hear her? Does anyone want to say this poor little soul from herself? Nothing comes once again. Only the stillness of the night reaches out to her. Guiding her down the narrow foggy path once again.
Fear comes crashing up on her like tides of the ocean. Spraying her with despair and uneasiness. Only for her to keep walking, darker and darker down that slippery slope. Only her nightmares awaits her. Washing her in the icy palms of their hands. Grasping her at the neck, yanking her towards the cemetery of her doom. Look it in its eyes and see what she does not want to bear. Her death infront of her. Her failures in life coming up and smacking her in the face, pushing her down, pulling her more into the abyss of darkness that feeds on her fear. Will she ever get out this? Will she ever wake up from this dream that she had made long ago? What will she do, when she cant get out of her own mind, walking it for more than once in her life. Does this always have to happen when things get so bad that it leads to this? Leads to destruction on her frail body. Destruction on her mind, leaving her looking and acting like a zombie that will never walk with the land of the living anymore.
Why does this have to be on this poor child? That use to see the world as her canvas, and now uses that on her body. Creating this canvas as darkness, as the tales that has happened to this poor child. Twisting and dementing her mind as the years grow colder on her. Why does this have to happen is the only thing she thinks of as she walks to her death. Wanting to escape the memories of abuse, the rapes and the things that was done more than years ago. Help this child out, as the wind moans in the night. Leaving the screams behind her, leaving behind all that once was her only to go more to this other side. The side that was once her dark ugly world but now becoming her new home, her new habits in living in this realm.
Why keep living on if people look down upon you, think that you are nothing and hit you for no good reason? Why should you keep acting like your life is fine when people cut you down and call you names that hurt you to your very bones. Why should you keep going if all you think of is death and the finer things of the darkness in your mind. Why keep urging these people to hurt you, like you are alright when everything is turned upside down on you. How do you keep going on like nothing has happened and just put on a masquerade instead? Those years are done now, those things are in the past, yes I know this but if you havent been where I have, then you really don't know the edge of sanity and insanity in your mind is. Walking to that and standing near the edge for years, contemplating if sanity is better than fantasy, if reality is better than your made up world, and wondering if anyone in your life will love you just for yourself and never harm that little girl that you hide close to your heart.
Will anyone be that knight you have been waiting for? To open up your arms and throw yourself, that little girl that was locked away inside yourself, not wanting that very thing you hold precious too to get hurt once again. You think sure I can handle another heartache, another abuse but really when it comes up again in reality you cant take anymore of it. You cant act like that old person anymore, you cant act like everything is alright when someone abuses that trust. Will my dreams of loving someone dearly come to me. To hold them and cherish them like the way I want to be? It feels like I will never be given that in my life and my world crumbles to this black sea of nothingness. What is wrong with me? Why does this have to happen, so many things are whispered into my head. Saying that I'm ugly and that no one wants to touch me, makes me shudder deep inside. Why cant I feel love like anyone else or like my books do?
Why does only hurt, anger, misery and burden have to be in my veins instead of love, comfort,kindness. I want all of these and yet when I hold them in the palms of my hands I feel them burn out from them just touching the curse from beneath the soft hands. Everyday I imagine that I will be like one of those girls who gets swept off her feet and feel love and compassion through the one they loved most, yet all I get is sadness, grief and that I'm to hideous to even kiss or touch. What am I if no one wants me? A lonely soul who has to go through life like this, for her heart to tear at the seams each night as this goes on. I don't know how much more I can take before my being is ripped from me and the only thing left to bear is my soul and it will be extinguished from life. For years now I have run away from loved one, scared that I'm the one putting a curse on them, the one that makes them have a bad life and the more I look now it is true.
I look around this abyss that I sit right now and wonder where do I belong in this so called world. I don't belong with anyone, and yet I yearn for it each night that I bare my soul to the one I cling to. I'm scared that he will reject me, scared that he hates this hideous monster I have become but I try each and every minute to make myself different. To make myself feel loved and try to love back but as the dawn comes up my heart aches more as I think of the unspoken words between us knowing that I screwed up once again. I'm just a fuck up and I don't even know where to begin. I try my hardest to be the perfect girl for you but yet here I am saying the wrong words each time something goes wrong. I just don't know who I am anymore.
All I know is that I try to be something for you and I'm not sure how long that will even last. One minute you say you want to know me for who I am. Yet I tell you whats on my mind and you have to rethink if I'm the one for you. I don't even know what to say or do anymore. I'm lost in my own mind, lost in this world thats suppose to be happiness, and bliss but thats not what I'm getting. Only misery and hurt lingers deep inside my chest. Heartbreak tears my wounds open again, confused on what to do or say. Do you even love me? If you do then why does this have to hurt so much? Why does life have to be like this? Have to be this hell hole that makes us upset and torn from ourselves. This questions go round and round and no answer comes to me. So more questions and that velvet voice comes back. Chuckling and whispering that its my fault that I'm not pretty or even attractive to you and thats why this have to be this way. I just want to be happy, and have that special bliss that everyone says that happens when two people fall in love. Yet I don't see that, so what is wrong with this picture? What am I doing that makes you feel like this?
No one will ever know my hurt even as I write this down my feelings go beyond these silly little words I try hard to describe. Moments like these I long for someone just someone to understand me, to understand who I am but each moment that I try this all I get is hurt, all I get is distance and coldness. Then I retreat back into myself loathing myself for even trying once again. Feeling the longly feelings come rushing up again, to wash over this person thats suppose to be me. Will I ever learn this lesson in life? Or am I just stupid and hope that maybe one day someone will understand me that will try to heal me whole. I sigh deep inside myself, coiling up once more, and my shell looks up to the starry night that tells that another sad day ends and a horrible morning will rise.

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