About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

November 29, 2010

Writing on the inner works of me

I know I havent written in a while but I havent really been myself lately. I have been feeling pretty weird. Ive been feeling numb inside.. and I thought that it will slowly dissipate. Like I always think it will. It slowly creeps in making me think its something else when I know full well what it is. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling nor what to do. Its like this gnawing dullness inside that grows each minute. More and more of my time I stare at razors thinking how lovely it would be to slice again. To have the relief of pain that keeps growing inside, out. Also sitting in a car lately just isnt doing it for me either. I stare at the lock contemplating should I lock it or not.. and then my mind wonders go ahead jump out of the car. It will be better to do this than to live in this world where you are at. But I lock the door and those thoughts still pop up. What am I suppose to do when your soul is so dull that you cant heal the process like you have done all the other times you felt like this. Where time can slip away from you, while you float on a cloud you have never been on before. Drifting like a snowflake, never knowing where the destination will take you. Thinking you will drift forever in this fantasy like world. Where everything seems so wonderful, what you have expected from life, and then you start to wonder when you will crash back down to reality. Having responsibility of telling your body not to tense, to ease up on a few rules you put inside yourself. But the clarity comes back ten fold, pushing on your chest a deep sensation of gulping water.
You come back to earth wondering, pondering on what will happen, what has happened while you wasnt here. Wondering how many years, minutes have passed you by as you lay your soft hazy head on your pillow. Drifting in and out of worlds, dreams your mind has made up. Confused on reality and fantasy, what will and is inside of you. Slowly sitting up, you feel the ringing the crashing of tides slide down your aching body. The piercing sensation wading deeper and deeper inside your soul. Slipping further and faster into who you are. Cant grasp on to it, to lock it back into its tiny black box. Where its suppose to lay hidden from anyone's peripheral vision.
That tiny box that has slipped through your grasp, sings a hideous tune inside. Luring you into its trap, whispering little lies to make you believe what it says is truth. Confusion clouds your judgement, you glide more and more to it, letting the lullaby suck you in, to its sweet little lair. You feel it suffocating you, drowning you in venom so thick that you wade in the foggy water. Pondering if this world is what you hoped it would be. What you have made, deep inside your head, pushing out, making out things that don't quite make sense. Yet you walk deeper into the unknown. Trudging on like a good little girl you are. Always doing what you are told, always pleasing others, upset when others don't like your presence, and that burden fills the love void inside of you. Tears, escapes the down sodden of your path, treading ever so lightly that a feather can conceal its identity.That becomes your conscience in this dark and murky palace. Slowly squeaking its truths back into your head, into your body, to get you out of this world you are walking in.
Painful thoughts, memories slowly rises inside you, overwhelming your feelings to what this world is made of, you try to see through a different pair of eyes, to get a good grasp on or lays upon this world. Will any of this go away? Or will this stay with me forever, making me its prisoner, chained and bound to this world I have made. What will become of me when I grow old in here? Will anyone miss me, or even try to find out what has happened to me? This is some of the things that drift through my mind, trying to block this stuff, yet she wont keep still inside my soul. Sigh

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