About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

March 28, 2010

Hmmmmmm

well the past few days have been somewhat alright till the uncle is getting on my nerves. LOl his car broke down and i laughed at that because well he got what he deserved on that. Then he says he cant get food because oh he cant walk to the store which is only half a mile which is sad. Me and my fiance walks more than that. He finally get the car fixed and wants us to make him his food. When we said no he throws a fit and starts being an ass. Seriously im tired of his shit. Im not being nice anymore to him.NO symphathy from me. He has been saying he wants to die a lot lately and well he can die for all i care. Be no more stress from him. If that means i go on the streets well then i go on the streets. Im sick of his bullshit. He gets a full paycheck each week and still says he doesnt have money to pay for anything. Thats bullshit he makes um about 900 a month. You can do everything on that. Lets do the math okay mortage is um 530 The pastor pays 200 so all he has to come up with is 330. Okay that leaves him with about 600 something. Then electric and engery is oh 60 dollars a month and so is internet.. another 120 gone and that leave hims with somewhat 500 something. Then water is 30 dollars and thats all so he will have 400 left over each month to do what he wants. Yet he says he cant pay the mortage, doesnt pay the electric or energy, doesnt pay the water till they almost cut that off, and internet getting cut off again. So where does his money go to... Um i know where... to stupid shit, like his stuff in the pawn that costs way more to get out, um things he does not need and lets it sit in the house.
The other uncle was right on that. He pays on stupid stuff an when it comes to priotery stuff he doesnt pay at all. he has the pastor and his sister pay it. I wish i could get out of this hell hole and get my own place. Uncle is keeping us here because he knows we cant get jobs and wants to feel superior to us. He knows that when we move we will be able to get jobs and leave his ass. We have helped him out so much and this is the thanks we get. Wants everyone to pay and do everything for him but when it comes to doing it back he doesnt. He does mind games instead.
Anywho the wrap up for the week is um internet is getting cut off by tomorrow or at least midnight tonight. Um just been one stress after another. Im greatful that My fiances mother is helping us to get some money and to let anthony get into the docs. Tomorrow or later on this week we will see what is wrong with his back and get his asthma inhalers. Um me ive been writing more and more to my story but chapter six is a bit hazy so sorry for the delay guys just trying to sort all of that. Also been doing my cross stitching and almost done with the tan on the bamboo. Taking forever because it is tedious and get bored after a while lol. Hm i guess that is everything for the wrap up of the week.
Talk to you guys later :)

March 25, 2010

well well well

well i just watched planet 51 and princess and the frog and they both were sadly flops. I mean planet 51 was alright but the main character wasnt even liked and that is what made it horrible. Um princess and the frog was just horrible from the beginning. Just telling little kids to play with voo doo and you have to work hard to get your dreams true. When they promoted for years that your wishes will always come true wishing on a star and now they are going to this. I just dont really like disney anymore. I mean they made so great classics but now they are just stinking. They cant even make any good movies anymore and have to take almost all their other films and put it into this. They could of done better in my opinion and not sure if i would watch anymore. Growing up to little mermaid and beauty and the beast and others were really great because back then they had ambition, inspiration and other things but now where did it all go? Just down the tubes. sigh all i got to say for now.

March 24, 2010

Sigh

Well today well almost today will be my last day online. Yes sadly i will not be on because due to the stupid uncle he has not paid the internet bill nor will he. So byebye to the internet. I will try to get on and blog about what is going on and so forth..still will be writing my novel and posting it whenever i can. I just hate when people say they will pay things on time and never do it. Why tell broken promises? To get pleasure out of it or what. I have been trying to write more and more each day but it is a little hard for im not sure if i should put in my dreams or what. Im stuck sigh but i know it will come to me

March 23, 2010

Todays thoughts

well today been doing cross stitching and downloading a lot of movies and books. Since our internet will be out in another two days cuz the uncle says he doesnt have the money to pay for it. Hm you know how i feel about this..why turn it on if you are not going to pay it..i know the answer lazy good for nothing person who wants others to pay his bills. So yea been downloading things and not really getting much sleep cuz of bullshit going on. Been trying to write more to chapter six and its getting a little harder but im writing little by little. Not sure when it will be up though. I guess thats all i have to say for now.

March 22, 2010

Just got up

Just got up from a very good nap. Today was movie day and it was fun.:) havent had one of those in a long long time. :D Um off and on been watching Orpehn the revenge at first it was sucky,no plot or anything but now its picking up and is really good. I love the dog named lucky reminds me of midnight :D. Well today we watch Dracula: dead and loving it but i fell asleep on it lol cuz of the bendryl and watched ponyo. Ponyo was alright thought it could of been better and it was missing something not sure what and of course the Dracula one is always good been a long long time seeing that one.
Of course uncle is being a butt. Wants us to clean and im not really doing it. I do it all the time get very sick and for what..no thankyou no i will help as well blah. :P well i think that is it for now. :)



This is the image of what my cross stitching will look like. enjoy it :)

Argh...

Okay well we went to Four Seasons place to eat today and man im breaking out big time. IF you guys dont know what it is..its a chinese place to eat. The food is good well except the mushroom chicken but the customer service is really horrible. I asked for a straw about two times never got one ugh and had to take my fiances straw instead.. and then they kept pushing appetizers on us and would not let that nor the soup down. Finally got soup to hush them up and it was pretty good. All and all the food is good but only for probably take out. I had hot and spicy chicken and something in the sweet and sour sauce has broken me out big time. Ugh..

Okay sorry guys i did not do a wrap up of last week and i apologize for that. So lets see what happened. Um uncle being an ass like always..nothing changes there. Hm no one is paying the internet bill so maybe in a few short weeks we will have to shut it off ONCE AGAIN.And will have to go to the library.. which is fine for me.. hmm loosing more and more weight.. fiance is really shocked of how much weight im loosing and i can tell i am by my wrists and hands. Way way small..almost bones really maybe a little fat on them. So sad that my rings which are sevens and seven and a half will not stay on my fingers. I wish i had a six to keep them in place but i dont so i have to look down to see if they are still on. Hm been downloading some stuff.. saw a good show that came out January of this year..which is about rome and the arena..love stuff like that and will download all of the series today. Hm started watching ponyo and its alright but could be better. I still love kikis delivery service and spirited away. Hm
been working more and more on my cross stitching, and almost done with the bamboo on the right side now. After that it will go pretty fast on the bamboo and get to the flowers and the hummingbird. Been reading renfield:slave of dracula and for some reason i have read this book but not sure when. Its really good im on chapter seventeen and cant put it down. I have written down some of the details i liked on how she described some things and hopefully put it into my novel somehow.. And yes ive been writing slowly on it. Some things take time with each chapter..and is to follow. I write bits and pieces each day on how im feeling and stuff.

WEll today it kinda snowed lol while im in a tanktop. I know im crazy but it is really warm out and it looked more like hail then snow because it stopped when we got home. I do wish that sometimes my life would be better than this and hopefully it will be. Well i guess that is it for the wrap up of last week. Talk to you guys soon.

March 21, 2010

Havent written today

well i havent written today and thought i should at least put something up. Well was looking at one of the peoples pics at the disney resort and brought up good memories. When we had money we did one of our dreams..go on vacation together. We picked to go to disney world.. had to book a lot of things so we wouldnt get stranded and then fly out there. Got to the dolphin hotel around midnight and ate a little bit and went to bed. next morning bright and early got tickets for all of the places which is four and go anytime we wanted. Went to the sarfia one and it was amazing. Loved all the plays they put on and the animals was great. We went there quite a bit. My favorite thing was the shows. Saw a bird show and that was really cool to see the birds fly over your head and do the commands. I had fun and got some pics of those.. and then went on some rides which scared the hell out of me lol. The second day into it we went to the other places and rode Tower of Terror. That almost gave me a heart attack. It makes you go up and down and your really high up.. Open up these windows and you can see out and you dont know when its going to bounce you back up either.. it did it like four to five times if they did it anymore i would have had a heart attack. Anthony was the only one laughing while the rest of us were screaming. Got out of that and was shaking. It was fun but im not sure if i will do that again lol. I also went on a roller coaster. Which that was very scary.. but i really liked it. We went on that one about five times. And we did splash mountian. Oh my gosh that was horrible. And it didnt get you that wet either. But the drops were really high and didnt know when it going to stop. We did that one once and didnt do that any other times.
Also went on a water ride one. Like the pengiun one at kentucky kingdom. I swore there was someone sitting across from me but no one saw it. Not sure if she was a ghost or what but she looked real to me. She smiled and thats all she really did.. smile and kept looking at me the whole time we was on it. It didnt freak me out just wonder who she was..
All and all i wouldnt go back there again. It was alright but there was ton of snobby people who look down at you just because you are not as rich as them. Um the water rides could have been better as well as the disney place... where gallerys and stuff was at. Next time we are choosing to do Bush gardens and hopefully will be able to do that. :) Very good memories here and i will never forget them :) ANd all the stuff he bought me there was just cool :D

March 20, 2010

Chapter five... not sure if its done

Where to turn or which way to go is always in your mind. Walking numbly,slowly through patches of decayed flesh, hanging on illed bark. Looking up to the murky sky, only to see shadows filtering in the sun. Why does it always have to be like this? Why does it always have to be decayed and smell of rotten flesh? What did I do to make it like this? I mean I was never like this as a kid? So what happened from that time to now? What have I become? Am I a monster and I don't know about it? What am I searching for? I see myself in the future with my lover but I'm not happy. Why am I not happy if I got what I wanted? Will I always be like this.... putting on a fake smile just to please everyone and never be happy with myself? Have this mask on where no one can see my emotions and hiding the scars from my abuse,on my arms. What have I done? Did I push everyone out of my life or did they never see who I truly am?
All of this circles in my mind while walking around the twisted kingdom, trying to pick up shards of myself, only to feel more of the shards I already pick up, become loose and start falling with each little step I take. Crystal shines behind me, telling a story that I can not even begin to tell. Some of the pieces sing a hush milky song,of horror and sorrow that no one will ever know. Some are hushed only showing pictures of inflicting pain,torture to this little soul. Bound,gagged and used in every way that someone has desired. Mind left her young body, only to roam around this realm. Hiding deep inside this world, only to be lost in body and soul.
Not knowing where to go,or what to even look for. Just walking and thinking of everything that has happened. Looking up once in a while to see nothing familiar to her,just scrambled pieces that once was her. All twisted and jarred from time and experience. Why do this images haunt me to this day? Why do I have to see the little girl and evil mermaid in my mind? Why do they want me here so badly? What have I done??? I'm afraid that I will be stuck in this realm for years to come, with each step I take makes my faith dim lightly inside of me. This fight inside of me grows harder and harder. Like quick sand holding me down in this very spot. Keeping me here to only be in misery and never find my happy ending. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick and tired of walking this world over and over just to try and find myself. The more and more I fight the more I feel myself growing weaker to fight these feelings of hurting myself,keeping myself down in this pit.
Its like I'm the one that keeps these chains around me, bounding my soul to this underworld that I have made in my life. Remembering of the things in my life, only to see the bad and the ugly growing each moment of my life. Where did all my good memories go? Did they dim just as well with my faith? Where did God go? God are you even there? If so why arnt you helping me?
I need you in this time but I cant hear you at all. Do you even love me anymore? Did I make you unhappy with me hurting myself more and more? Please God help me, I want to do things for you but its so hard when I cant hear or feel you near me. Did you abandoned me in my time of darkness? Is this where I belong? In this twisted kingdom or do I belong somewhere else,like a place a lot darker than this and way colder? Or is this just perfect for a lost person to roam around?
Words can not tell how much pain I'm feeling right now, only speechless of all thoughts, thats cascading into the wind. The milky moon shines down its pale light only to reflect a ghost of this world. Silence is my only relief, while mangled thoughts of blood and me gone, fills my deepest desires inside of myself. I'm loosing myself more and more each day, longing for escape of both these world of my twisted kingdom and myself. Whispers of my fragmented self sings a sultry tune inside my deathly flesh. Singing a tale of death lurking in the shadows, waiting,watching for me to slip and fall into his grasps.
He lurks in the shadows, watching my every move, wondering when I will loose myself deeper into this kingdom, for him to whisk me up from the depths of hell, only to take me somewhere else in the firey pits of my lost mind. I try to escape his grip, falling and falling into a never ending hole, only to find myself plopped into another dimension of myself, racing through barren places, Ive never been too. I see before me is my hourglass, seeping sand through its hand, telling me to hurry before its too late. Yet where do I go? Where do I run?
Running through this so called place my thoughts run back to a time I don't want to remember. My heart is racing, pumping venom into my veins, while my mind races about a different era. I see my lover dancing a waltz dance with me. Laughing and loving I see in my eyes. Nothing could hurt me,with my lover there to protect me. The more I see the more I know something isnt quite right. There is a haunted shadow in those icy blue eyes, that doesnt reach her smile, as if her eyes are telling me something different without taking a breath to say it.
What are those eyes saying? Shaking away those thoughts, I see that I'm pushing away the one person I love dearly. Pushing him deeper inside of himself, for only him to question mine and Gods love each day that passes. Pondering on what should and would be of the future as our lives unfold in this slippery web, tangling us more into the deathly trap each day. Unspoken words of doubt are said between us, while dancing to the different rhythms of our hearts. Trying to keep up with each other, wondering if I disappointed you because you didnt get your dream girl,instead got this broken woman instead who wonders what you think when your eyes wonder off in space. Those sparkling burgundy eyes twinkle with passion and what dreams you want to have. Will I ever be in the equation of your hopes and dreams? Or will I be alone, rotting in my dirty cell, pondering on how to get out of this rut.
I ask myself a thousand times if not more if you truly love this girl or do you just say it so she wont break anymore than she has when you had found her? If you really do love her why do you stay with her? What makes you love her,when she is not even whole in the beginning? Do you see a part of yourself deep inside her, and wanting to piece her back together, so you can be whole as well? How many times do you have to save this girl before you leave in the end? Did I truly fail as the girl you wanted so dearly in the years you were searching? Have I lost you already,after so many years of knowing me? All of these thoughts race through my mind, when I see your twinkling eyes dull and think of other things than me. What have I become in order to hurt you so deeply, to question our love. Have I ruin our relationship in order to save myself?
Or am I a curse to everyone who gets near me? The people who love me and stay near me, hurt so much, live a horrible life,wishing that they can be better than what they have become. Did I do this or was this destiny in the first place? For only them to live in misery at their gates of their spirit. Knocking so hard to come in and wipe away all they have known. To bring in the chilly bitterly wings of doubt, to cloud over their minds. Only to numb all their feelings and bring in death at their door. Luring them into a pit of uncertainty that cascades down in tumbling fog. Covering them in smoky lies, entangling them into a bed of unconscious dreams. That speak to them through alluring velvety voices,whispering,mumbling of things to come. Drifting farther and farther, unable to climb out when its already too late.

Pondering on things...

Hm well ive been reading Renfield:slave of dracula and for some reason i think i have read this book. Not sure if it was at my old place or at school but it brings up things. Its a really good book..really gothic and detailed almost like a poem sorta and keeps you in the book for long periods of time. It helps me write more and more to my story but still wondering where i read this at.lol I always get books that i have read in the past..forget them and reread them and find out that i have read them before. Sigh im slow at times lol.. Well for today im going to finish up chapter five which i think it feels done but we will see how it goes when i type it up and when i think its done post it up on here. Ive been getting a lot of good ideas..kinda like for poems but more for my story and what is going on inside of me. Well i think im done rambling for now..Talk to you guys later :)

March 19, 2010

Redid Chapter four to my story here you go...

Walking down this long hallway in the twisted kingdom, I find myself how did I get here. I don't remember walking down this floor before. I'm guessing its about four floors up,never knew it had any levels to it till now, but the reason why I'm here is I hear someone, I think a girl crying. I was curious and wanted to see what was going on. I slowly walk through the dim lit hallway, seeing shadows being played out on the walls. Thinking that maybe these shadows have happened to people without them every knowing what has happened. On one of the walls pretty far away, I see two shadows,who look like a couple,dancing in the distance. To a silent song for only them to hear, and when I get closer to the image I see that its a demon, dancing with a girl.
He is serenading her with whisper lies, to follow him into the dark kingdom, for him to take another victim for his taking. The more I come close to it the more I see of the scene taking place and its me. Eyes widen I give out a gasp, running away from the scene playing on the burgundy walls.
Running as fast as I can, I come to a fast walk about few doors down, holding my head in my hands. Sobbing out of breath, I calm down a little bit and I stare at the floor. Eyes focus in again after wiping the tears away, I see that there is bloody spots on the floor. What is this? Is this coming from me? Did someone hurt themselves? After having these thoughts I check myself to see if I accidentally hit myself without noticing it. I check everywhere and it wasnt coming from me.
Curiously I follow the blood streaked floor and it leads me to a oak door that is numbered 3z. Whats behind this door? Running my hand over the lettering, it feels like I've been here before. But how could this be? This is the first time ive been here so how could I remember this place at all? Is this what Emily was talking about? A blocked memory that is trying to surface up in me? My heart quickens, gasping for breath, my mind feel like its going to shatter any moment. No,no I cant do this. I cant shatter myself now. I put too much effort into finding all of me. I don't want to be stuck here forever. Leaning against the door, you hear whimpering behind the door. You contemplate if this is a good idea to open it up and see what is happening. Shaking away those thoughts you think it is best to just do it.
Hand on the handle you linger for a minutes, praying that this is the right thing and that you can handle this. Holding your breath you open the door you gasp,taking in the surroundings in the room. They look familiar but at the same time they don't. Something deep in your gut, is telling you that this is wrong, but you made the decision to do this. Your eyes focusing on the scene before you, seeing that its very dark,and very cold. You kinda remember that this is the basement way back when you were just a kid. The memory starts to flood you and you scream inside your head,NO NO NO I don't want to be here but I want to get over this at the same time.
Memory of you just being a kid, too many guys surrounding me, screaming(LET ME GO!! HELP HELP) Sobbing, hitting,flaying around me but I cant see nothing around me the silhouettes of the guys and something neon colors around. Whats going on? Whats going to happen? Feeling myself breathing hard, body pushed up against the wall/door panic rises up. Oh the familiar feeling of panic bubbling out of me, while crystal frost overflow my tight shut eyes. Sliding down to the floor, lost in the memory,shaking my head back and forth,wanting the torment to stop. Flashbacks come back, all the dreams ive had that were so vivid were actually true. Why did these dreams have to be real? Why did I come in here? I thought this would help, but all it did was bring up bad things, feelings I had shut off long ago. Why bring them back up? Is it to stop the wounds to ever get reopened in the near future? What is the purpose of this exercise I'm trying to put here? Those voices sound so familiar, slippery with a hidden agenda behind it. Saying everything is fine when its not. Why would anyone want to hurt a fragile child to the point like this? Manipulate this poor child into thinking everything is fine and that you will not hurt her. Why do this? After all these questions come up something deep inside of you takes over. Its a soft lullaby voice,soothing your broken heart. You fall deeply into that warmth, God whispering loving words to you. A promise in which he is keeping but you have forgotten what he has promised you. This will drive you nuts after figuring out he promised you something and not knowing what it was about.
Being lost on this broken road for so long that you have wandered into a cemetery, wishing that death will take you but for years it has never come true. Don't even know who you are anymore, has made you scared of yourself,not trusting anyone..not even yourself. You start to ponder know did I really loose all of myself as a child when this stuff has happened? Am I so lost that the only creatures who know my pain and suffering is demons? Why does everything in here have to be so twisted and turned around? I thought I knew myself better than this, but I guess I'm mistaken because this is a totally different person.
I'm always coming back to this fork in the road that has on its little signs....UP: LOST MEMORYS, DOWN: LONG ROAD AHEAD OF YOU, RIGHT: DIRT PATH, LEFT: SHATTERED SELF........BETWEEN RIGHT AND UP: TORN THOUGHTS, BETWEEN LEFT AND UP: MURKY WATER. Which way am I suppose to go? Is there a right or wrong way to go? Have I been down this road so many times that any road I take it will be a bad choice? How do I know what road to take on this beaten path of mine. Each test I go through is a murky place.
I just walk straight and keep walking deeper and deeper into my jungle of twisted memories. Getting lost in this murky place,not know who I am is scary for a little girl that I am. What am I suppose to do? Where am I suppose to go? Memories float by on sulky clouds, only to make me remember something I want to forget. Only those forgotten fragments of me resurface each time something horrible in my future,,drudges up these things. Wanting so badly to go back to that old me, hide my feelings and only let them out on my arm. Taking everything I am and marking new marks upon my arm,blood running out, feels so relaxing and calming for only a mere second. Wishing it would stay longer each time I do it, but that is never the case. Its only a taste of a sulky heaven in my mind. Only to weave myself back in this sticky web, that only lets you glimpse a taste of what will happen if you keep doing this to yourself.
Terrified you must feel, walking along these beaten paths in your mind alone, only to make that feeling intense with each step,breathe you take, takes you deeper inside your insane mind. Watching clips of yourself in the future, trapped in this web for centuries to come. You only remember a little of how you got here but don't know how to unlock the door to get out. Maybe this is your destiny. To live in this unforgotten place where no one can see how you feel or what you have went through. Maybe its a good choice to stay here. To live alone in this deathly place.

Good grief

shessh why does he always do this? throws a tissy fit because i want to be on just for a few minutes. Its like he cant even share it. In all techinal things its my computer..he bought it for me. So im the one being nice and sharing it.. if i wanted to i can tell him he cant be on at all. But im not like that. I share my stuff with him yet he cant do it back. He threw a tissy fit by slamming the door and i really dont care. Hell hes on it almost all day and i get it for maybe an hour if im lucky. I dont complain at all but till now. I want to be on just to blog a little and tell people im here. Im not sure what his problem is but he doesnt want to talk to me just get on here and talk to others.
Anyways after that i was going to say how today was. Just as usual the uncle is being an ass. Next we went to the junk yard to get another hatch..and he says he doesnt have money to get us food but he gets a hatch for ninety dollars...and now going to the car wash and other things. How is that possible and saying his garnishment is still up.. when it really is done and that he gave a hundred to nacey. I just dont get why he wants to play mind games. Saying his heart fluttered and that he needs to look into life insurance beacuse he doesnt want to die a nobody and does it right in front of us. Like its our fault or something that he will die. Im tired of it,, and the people at the junk yard are pigs. Saying that girls are all emotional and stuff and that just flustered me. Ugh well i think thats about enough rambling for today. sigh

March 18, 2010

Back in the Twisted Kingdom..poem

NO one understands my hurt
from the very core of my being

ripping out my heart
and tearing it to shreds

only to be paper mache
to the wind
where it will howl
my pain and suffereing
of this world

No one understands who iam
or what ive become

still i get lost on the rugged path
that i had beaten
so many years ago

Down the hollow woods
where my death awaits me

following the rasphy lullaby
in the chilly wind

to only see
decay all around me

i circle around
to see im the only one here
again...

Why do i keep coming back
to this twisted kingdom

where only pain and suffereing
of mine from past to future

to be repeated for many
centures.
why cant anyone hear me?

Why do i see all of this around me?
why do i feel these feelings..
of death and darkness

only in a hollow forest
made of twisted nightmares
from me...

will i ever get out of here
alive and well?

or will i be this messed up
little girl
to only have hurt and anger
caged inside her

To only build up
and lash it out on
herself...

punishing herself
for not being something better

maybe a somebody
in someones life

instead of this
lonely loser
who is only burdening
her lover..
with many regrets and failures
in her ife

why does this have to happen?
will anyone hear me?
will i get out?
and help my prince charming
instead of bringing him down?

More and more i get lost
tangled up in a pit of
gnarly webs

snagging my dress
and making me fall
with huge bruises
rising from the
cold hard depth of herself

memories surrounds her being
engulfing her.. into a big
black pool of sorrow
hurt and anger

to only make her more
lonely more distant
of people
she loves dearly

Sinking further and further
into that pit..
not realizing whats going on

wishing that she can get out
that she will be fine..
and have a wonderful forest
instead of this stinkin
decayed forest

no one will never know this
no one will ever hear
the howlings of her pain
her sorrows

only to be buried
under more unforgotten
fragments of herself

layered with hurt
and pain.. for all the time to come

sinking into the deathly flesh
that was once her beautiful self.....

Watched the season finale of physc

well it was a really good show till the end lol. im still scratching my head on that. Im not sure who mr yin is..well maybe i do but its only an inkling. I think its yangs husband of the way they showed it at the end. Very good ending to it. just i dont know if they are trying to add another person into it or what.. but if they do i think it will totally mess it up because why bring someone into the season at the end? isnt it suppose to wrap up the season well anyways it was really good and made you think :D

March 17, 2010

Hmm what to say lol

Ugh i hate mega video for anime. You can only watch like three full episodes before you have to wait about an hour and five minutes to watch anymore of that show.Sigh what is someone to do while waiting for their show hm hm. LOl
Well people keep asking if my poetry is up for sale. Well it isnt for now because i have to go through all the two hundred or so poems which are like epic size ones and edit them. Ugh that will take forever lol They also wanted to know why i post them up on my site. Well because i want people to see it and comment on it and to work and make my poetry better. Yes they do have flaws lol So why do you guys want my poetry or interested in them and my stories? KInda wondering what you think when i write them because i really dont have any feedback on them.
Next subject hmm daddy is being mean lol he is wanting to play abrasion play and it kinda scares me becuase of my cutting. I mean its fun and all i just dont want to do it all the time. I guess thats all i have to say on that but glad that he is strict now :D
Well today has been boring but man what is up with all the mortocycles today? i know its st pattys day and all but come on. It kinda drives me nuts hearing them revve up and then go. Its just stupid lol. anyways im gonna go now. Talk to you soon.

Well today is St.pattys day

Well for one i want to say happy st pattys day.:D Im going to drink tonight..going to mike my straight vodak with maybe cranberry apple juice. wonder how thats going to taste like.:D Wondering if anyone is going to bash in the uncles windows on his car lol never fails on holidays here. Mostly the drunks come to the gas station and then think hey no one is going to know it and then do it. Ugh it sucks lol.
Another thing is that things have been on my mind. Mostly my cross stitching..thats been going pretty fast and thinking that i may have enough threads for it. I hope lol i dont want to not finish this project like i did with my tiger one. I had to stop it because im out of the colors and dont have the money to finish it. But im putting it to the side for now and had started on my humming bird one. I will put pictures up each day on how far ive gotten and what it looks like in the end. So far its coming out really good lol just had to use a different color for one but you canr really notice it till i point it out lol.
Other things on my mind is mostly my dream,,which i will tell in a minute.. and what im going to do for the day..dont have food and have to wait for a while before getting any. So im kinda hungry and nothing really to snack on. Sigh i already at my bake goods lol they dont last that long in the house.
Okay so with the dream.. It really bummed me out.. here it goes.
Well it was me my fiance and the uncle. Me and anthony were out doing things and i was only in a shirt and panties. Its all i had and we were walking home. I was fine with it till i saw this huge huge hill and i was scared. I didnt want to go up it because i knew i would fall and kill myself and i didnt want that. So i told anthony can we phone your uncle to give us a ride home so we did that. Went to a gas station and i phoned him. He answered and asked and he said no because he was going to work and stuff and i just hung up. I was upset and anthony said well we will just sell the computer to get some money to stay in a hotel for a few nights. Well we go to the pawn shop and i sold my computer for 225 dollars and that got us a few nights there to ourselves and i finally get clothes. Finally get them on we go walking around and i see zaxbys and i ask him if we can go there...so we do.. and that is the last thing i remember of that dream.. went to another one which was really bizarre.
Well was walking in the woods and kayla was there. She was alright but she kinda looked odd. I asked if she was alright and she said yea.. and this monster thing pops up out of nowhere. We run as fast as we can and i hide under a tree..holding on to my stuff animal..praying that i will be alright. After that it switced that i was back at my old place. It was very dark in the house maybe like three or four in the morning. I was talking to kayla. She got up that early before she had to go to school. She got on the computer and was talking to her friend. Her friend i think it was racheal not sure but she looked like she wasnt feeling well. I asked if she was alright and she said yea but i knew she was lieing. After a while kayla comes out and says that shes a werewolf and that she accidently turned her friend into one. And she was going through the stages of it. It was spooky and creepy. but that was it on that one.

Then i had one where i was going shopping with mom. Mom had her brown purse and i took over the shopping cart. I had my coat and the purse in the cart and for some reason they flew all over the place. I went to go get everything and her stuff was in like four aisles and had to find all of it before someone stoled her stuff. I had an employee ask me what i was doing and told her that i was picking up my stuff. I was getting all the pens and this one customer loved pens and was going to pick it up and i said excuse me thats mine. It switched to school but dont really remember that was all about.
Last night dreams were really crazy and the first time i remember my dreams. I think this is enough rambling for a few lol

March 16, 2010

ANIME TIME...woohoo

Hehe finally get to finish watching Inuyasha..oh my gosh this is my all time favorite anime. Since daddy doesnt really like it i have to watch it on my own and for years i have been saying i hated the ending they put for the anime verison while the manga kept going. It really sucked till about a few months ago i found out that they have more. Oh my gosh i squealed and jumped up and down like a little girl. This is my favorite romance anime of all time.
This is the first thing i saw getting into anime and from there its been nothing like this stuff. I love it. Im happy that they made more of inuyasha probably because of the fans out there was unpleased of the results to it. Hehe on another note..maybe tonight or later on i can finally get finished Blood plus which is another good one im into lol. Its been about three years since ive seen it sigh and never gotten to really see them. Wonder how many more they made and if they are still making them? So what anime do you guys like? me i love shoujo and things like inuyasha and chobits.. need to have a good plot and good animation. Hopefully i can find some others for me and daddy to watch. HEhe well ill go for now just wanted to blog about what i was thinking at the moment and its all about anime lol

Finished Watching Black Cat

well We got done watching Black Cat... which is a anime..It was alright but the ending really sucked. They all went different directions except The nano girl and the sweeper guy. I thought it could of been better in my mind but it had its funny parts in it. Corny but funny. Hm a question what other anime is fun to watch.. like girly um dont know how to spell that word lol shoujo i think but has a plot line. Kinda like chobits. I loved that anime..or inuyasha. I want to watch the other twelve but my daddy doesnt want to read it lol. i think that reading them are way better than actually just watching. Well please write some animes down and see what they are about :)

Its been a while

Well its been a while since i posted lol that means probably for the whole day. So yay im happy Daddy is finally back. I mean he is always here since i live with him 24/7 but the last week he wasnt even dominant and i need it to balance myself out and he finally came back. Ahh i missed it so much :) I love this side of him and wish he could keep it out a lot longer. :) But other than that today has been slow and some people are just plain stupid.
On facebook on submissive board this one girl wanted to know why i was laughing so i told her because she said she wouldnt judge well come to find out she did judge after all. Saying that im being mean and stuff when really i was telling the truth. If you dont like what i have to say then why ask in the first place. Dont like it then kiss my ass lol im going to be me for now on.. like it or not. This is who i am..Tired of keeping myself hidden under lock and key because i get hurt all the time. I know im stronger than this and finally can spread my wings.
Some people really should keep out of things they do not know about. Seriously dont ask questions if you do not want to know the truth. I hate when you have to tiptoe around people on eggshells because they will get mad at what you say. Why should we do that? I mean its stupid. You wanted an answer gave it now suck it up shessh. Well i guess im done rambling for right now.

March 15, 2010

When it rains it just down pours

Well here we ago again on this. The uncle says that his sister knows this guy who is the uncles age gay and a christian but having problems with his family and wants to come here. Um bad idea..for a week now i had this feeling something bad was going to happen adn guess what my gut instincts are right. He wants him here and its a bad bad idea. My already sick to my stomach and its going to be like this till he doesnt come or he does. Its all happening again. The uncle doesnt learn his lesson...
july of last year...same problem but two boys one around my age and one my sis age seventeen and asked if they could come here. Bad idea from the start because i had bad feeling from this since he told me..i was sick till they came and they were nobodys. Always smoking pot and doing nothing else. Thank God that left two days after because they couldnt find a good dealer here. and now its happening all over again.
I think he will do it just to spite me and im not going to be a happy camper. the aunt always have loser friends and when she doesnt like them she pawns them off on us. Like we will deal with stuff. I already have enough on my plate and from this im worried and want to cut all because of this crap. Come on i just want a break and not be sick for months on straight. Sigh please pray for me and hopefully this wont come true.

Withering Tiger Poem

My tiger withering away
like a danilion flower
on a breezy day

Stuffing is vanishing by the minute
and his fur flatten and dulled
from all the years of love
that was given to him

He only wants to comfort his lover
to console her heart
that he has been loved
forever and ever even when he is gone

telling her that he will
live on in her heart.
and give love to another
unwanted tiger

give them that special love
you keep locked away
that you gave me when i
first came into your arms

and they will always be loyal
and protect you to the ever end.
I love you my dear,,dont cry for me.

Hm reading some things

Well i was reading some things on the bdsm forum on facebook and some things caught my eye. The one discussion was about how much loyalty do you give a former dom/domme and it really made me question that. To me i think i guess is how well they treated you and how you felt about them. If it ended on a good note then yes there will be some loyalty there and do what they want at times..but if it ended badly then you shouldnt give them that respect. Reading up on it had made me thought about it and was wondering what others thought about this :)

March 14, 2010

Okay its time to vent

well like it says i need to vent big time. Well i havent seen the uncle in a long time since we got our own food. He asked if we wanted to get food and we were like sure..wanted something different. Well we go to taco bell as usual and i get what i want.. and some nacho chesse on the side for my cimmiaon things and we go to get it.. hes like well thankgoodness its only sixteen dollars.. like he didnt have enough money. WHy do this if you asked if we weanted food. He loves playing mind games..well we get up to the window to get our food.. most of the stuff was missing and he wanted to leave really fast. We said to wait to see if we got everything and they forgot two tacos and the cheese. I wanted it for the one thing and he says well the world still goes round. LIke im getting mad over nothing. Come on you pay for the crap you except to get everything. That just made me more angry. I didnt hide it this time. I just let it out and he got quiet. Then he snubs me for no fucking reason. What did i ever do to him.The only thing ive done is being nice and help him out when we had money. And this is the thanks i get.
Like i told anthony im through being nice to him. Im not going to show any symphathy at all. If he cant make the payments im going to say stuff because seriously i tried being nice and it gets me nowhere.So he get the hard cold truth. Dont like it he can kiss my ass. I think he hates me because im a girl and he got snubbed by all girls or whatever. Im not going to let him abuse me like this. Im not going to be pushed around at all. Ive had that to many times in my life and im done with it. The bitch is out dont like it then go away.
Im fuckin pissed and will die down soon. but still no more nice ashley at all. period.

Sleepy

Well today is a sleepy day. Helped a person out..which makes me feel good. Try to do it alot when i can. See someone hurting i know how it feels and that no one helps them out so here i am trying my hardest to help as much as i can :)Um i also helped a few old people out weeks before and its really good. Sucks that no one in this world will stand up and help anyone else. It would help us out a lot.
Also frustrated that i cant finish the chapter. SO thought it would be finished when i wrote it down but oh no something has to be missing and cant just think up something. Been sitting here looking at the screen. Cursor flashing with my words but nothing comes up. SIgh well you have a glimpse of what it is for now but maybe tomorrow i can come up with it lol
Well today is sunday and this is going to be for a long time rewind of the week. As well. So this week has been kinda up and down for me. Like i said i did hurt myself and looking back at that i regret it. I could do way better than that. Um reason for it is because of the stress and little girl in my head. Ugh i dont know if it will ever leave me. I want to stop this forever but it comes up all the time. WHy. Um after that uncle being a butthole still. Asking to get food yesterday and we are like no. We have food still and not going to give him that feeling like he is helping when he isnt. Um mostly thats it really. Just been with daddy helping him get better and hopefully my story goes well and can write more. But this is what goes on in my head and get it out as soon as i can.
Next week goals...hm get more chapters up and blog more and more of my life in bdsm and my other life situations. it is helping a lot ot have this up and just put whatever i want in it and just be me. its good to get things off my chest and just be okay for once in my life. Well i think this is it for now. Im getting tired lol and too many typos are coming up lol well ill talk or blog later :)

well part of Chapter four.. thought i was done but im not liking it sigh

Walking down this long hallway in the twisted kingdom, I find myself how did I get here. I don't remember walking down this floor before. I'm guessing its about four floors up,never knew it had any levels to it till now, but the reason why I'm here is I hear someone, I think a girl crying. I was curious and wanted to see what was going on. I slowly walk through the dim lit hallway, seeing shadows being played out on the walls. Thinking that maybe these shadows have happened to people without them every knowing what has happened. On one of the walls pretty far away, I see two shadows,who look like a couple,dancing in the distance. To a silent song for only them to hear, and when I get closer to the image I see that its a demon, dancing with a girl.
He is serenading her with whisper lies, to follow him into the dark kingdom, for him to take another victim for his taking. The more I come close to it the more I see of the scene taking place and its me. Eyes widen I give out a gasp, running away from the scene playing on the burgundy walls.
Running as fast as I can, I come to a fast walk about few doors down, holding my head in my hands. Sobbing out of breath, I calm down a little bit and I stare at the floor. Eyes focus in again after wiping the tears away, I see that there is bloody spots on the floor. What is this? Is this coming from me? Did someone hurt themselves? After having these thoughts I check myself to see if I accidentally hit myself without noticing it. I check everywhere and it wasnt coming from me.
Curiously I follow the blood streaked floor and it leads me to a oak door that is numbered 3z. Whats behind this door? Running my hand over the lettering, it feels like I've been here before. But how could this be? This is the first time ive been here so how could I remember this place at all? Is this what Emily was talking about? A blocked memory that is trying to surface up in me? My heart quickens, gasping for breath, my mind feel like its going to shatter any moment. No,no I cant do this. I cant shatter myself now. I put too much effort into finding all of me. I don't want to be stuck here forever. Leaning against the door, you hear whimpering behind the door. You contemplate if this is a good idea to open it up and see what is happening. Shaking away those thoughts you think it is best to just do it.
Hand on the handle you linger for a minutes, praying that this is the right thing and that you can handle this. Holding your breath you open the door you gasp,taking in the surroundings in the room. They look familiar but at the same time they don't. Something deep in your gut, is telling you that this is wrong, but you made the decision to do this. Your eyes focusing on the scene before you, seeing that its very dark,and very cold. You kinda remember that this is the basement way back when you were just a kid. The memory starts to flood you and you scream inside your head,NO NO NO I don't want to be here but I want to get over this at the same time.
Memory of you just being a kid, too many guys surrounding me, screaming(LET ME GO!! HELP HELP) Sobbing, hitting,flaying around me but I cant see nothing around me the silhouettes of the guys and something neon colors around. Whats going on? Whats going to happen? Feeling myself breathing hard, body pushed up against the wall/door panic rises up. Oh the familiar feeling of panic bubbling out of me, while crystal frost overflow my tight shut eyes. Sliding down to the floor, lost in the memory,shaking my head back and forth,wanting the torment to stop. Flashbacks come back, all the dreams ive had that were so vivid were actually true. Why did these dreams have to be real? Why did I come in here? I thought this would help, but all it did was bring up bad things, feelings I had shut off long ago. Why bring them back up? Is it to stop the wounds to ever get reopened in the near future? What is the purpose of this exercise I'm trying to put here? Those voices sound so familiar, slippery with a hidden agenda behind it. Saying everything is fine when its not. Why would anyone want to hurt a fragile child to the point like this? Manipulate this poor child into thinking everything is fine and that you will not hurt her. Why do this? After all these questions come up something deep inside of you takes over. Its a soft lullaby voice,soothing your broken heart. You fall deeply into that warmth, God whispering loving words to you. A promise in which he is keeping but you have forgotten what he has promised you. This will drive you nuts after figuring out he promised you something and not knowing what it was about.
Being lost on this broken road for so long that you have wandered into a cemetery, wishing that death will take you but for years it has never come true. Don't even know who you are anymore, has made you scared of yourself,not trusting anyone..not even yourself. You start to ponder know did I really loose all of myself as a child when this stuff has happened? Am I so lost that the only creatures who know my pain and suffering is demons? Why does everything in here have to be so twisted and turned around? I thought I knew myself better than this, but I guess I'm mistaken because this is a totally different person.
I'm always coming back to this fork in the road that has on its little signs....UP: LOST MEMORYS, DOWN: LONG ROAD AHEAD OF YOU, RIGHT: DIRT PATH, LEFT: SHATTERED SELF........BETWEEN RIGHT AND UP: TORN THOUGHTS, BETWEEN LEFT AND UP: MURKY WATER. Which way am I suppose to go? Is there a right or wrong way to go? Have I been down this road so many times that any road I take it will be a bad choice? How do I know what road to take on this beaten path of mine. Each test I go through is a murky place.
I finally decide to take the road to MURKY WATER. I start to walk down this path and I feel myself sinking slowly into the muddy water. What is this place? Is it just what it says on the sign? Feeling the bones and flesh that use to be on these people who got lost in the kingdom. Died from not knowing how to get out of it. Only lost in the broken memories that torment them each day of their lives. Will this happen to me? I don't want to be like the rest of these dead people. I want to get out and be a happy child. The more I walk into this place.. there is a little island or dock, hurrying to get to it but the water grabs onto me, sinking me farther and farther in,,so I cant make it to the dock in time.

March 13, 2010

I had a good talk

Well i had a good talk online with a nice fellow. Really nice and talking about the bible. Pretty interesting to me. He never judged nor preach it was actually good for once lol Helped me a little to be happier than i have for the past two days or so. See i can have good talks with the right people lol. See i can be a good girl when people will be nice to me. If you are going to be rude dont be so surprise that i bite back lol Thats just who i am. hehe

Lol so many fakes in Bdsm lol

LOl well in facebook i have this dominant person who thinks hes so real. Lol come on when someone is trying to control you from the start and says you need manners because my master isnt teaching me them. Hello for one im not going to say yes ma'am or sir to every dominant out there come on. Thats just stroking their ego and they are just fake lol Plus the only one i listen too is my master and first thing is first He wants me to be me...even if im fiesty and dont listen at times but he loves it when im like that. He just doesnt want a good girl all the time he wants his little girl to misbehave as well lol. So To all the dominants or dommes out there you should really wake up and not making all slaves/subs to say yes ma'am or sir to you because you think you own that title. You dont. Only the master does that owns them not the other way around. A real master or mistress would like to get to know the person and consider if they want to owned by them after they known them for a while. :P Just my thoughts in this lifestyle. Makes me laugh that someone else other than my master who thinks they can tame this tiger lol

Chapter three is here...Amanda's Story...

Feeling tired of picking up pieces of me, I walk around till I find this little sitting area. Its almost like a park but its all decayed and dead. I walk up to it slowly and I see Amanda sitting there.

Her muddy little face in her hands. I go and sit by her,wondering what is wrong with her. I sit down next to her and I look at her, and softly ask,um Amanda whats wrong? She moves her head slowly,see that its me and said,Memories of what happened to me are flooding my head and I cant stop them. Putting my hand on top of hers, I ask in a soft gentle voice, You know its alright to talk about it. It will help pull that burden off your shoulders. She looks up in my eyes, brimming with tears, gave me a quizzical look, ponder on what I had said,and finally thought it was the best. Looking in the distance ,maybe to the sulky sky,trying to figure out where to start at.
After blowing a little bit,Amanda starts to tell her story: See almost all of us here has been raped or something so bad that our mind just gets disconnected with us,and with me it was rape as well. I remember it like it just happened. I was about ten years old, and I was playing with my friend at her house. We were having a good time,talking to her mom and just having a girls day really. Then around noon-ish my friends dad comes out of nowhere. See my friend has always told me that he was very mean and never really see her that much. Till that day, it was horrible. He comes in and acts like he has always been there. Hugs his daughter and shakes hands with his ex wife. Then he looks at me.
I felt so creeped out I just sat there and didnt do anything. I wasnt sure what to do or say. After that me and my friend went back to playing in her bedroom and then decided to go outside to play for a little bit. It was too hot for that day and me being fair skin I couldnt take the heat anymore. So I went back in and my friend went to her bedroom while I went to get something to drink. Talked to her mom for a little bit and after that I went to go to my friends bedroom but in the hall way he stopped me. Looked at me with those creepy eyes and just smiled. I stood there frozen in place, and he touched my face. I think I jerked away and he just chuckled and he said your such a pretty little girl.
I was trying to get away and he pinned me in the hallway. Saying your not going anywhere. I was scared that I couldnt scream or anything. I was trapped and he led me into an empty bedroom and from there he did things. Made me touch him and I didnt like it at all. I would fight him all the time but he was older and far stronger than me. After he had done that he had raped me. I knew he was doing this and my body and my mind seperated from themselves. At first I was scared to enter this realm but for some reason I felt like I had been here before. It felt like a dream at first, foggy but remembering bits and pieces of a dream you had last. The surroundings were familiar but I wasnt sure if I have been here or not.
I had wandered around for a few hours while my friends dad was raping me. Hiding myself inside the core of me,where he cant find me or hurt me here. I feared though that he would find this and hurt me here but the more I thought of that the more myself became sure that he wouldnt be able to enter here till he has been tortured like I have. That will never happen in a million years. So here I am sitting here in this little twisted kingdom made up of decayed things, things that have never been wished upon by normal,sane girls. Maybe just maybe one of these days I will be like you and get out of this mess and be a real girl for once, instead of a ghost in the real world.
Hearing this it made me wonder, will I ever get out of here sane? If I did what would I do with my life? When will I be able to be sane? Pondering on this stuff, my mind wanders back to things that have made me come into this twisted kingdom that I have made up. I realized that I'm just like them. Scared of being here but after a while in this realm you kinda get use to it. Its like home away from home and it becomes a habit to stay here and never find who the real person is, in the body that is suppose to be you. So maybe wandering here in this hell whole I have called my home for years now is maybe a bad place to stay. I think its time to find that light and become the person I should have been even if my life have had been better than this one.
Getting up from the bench, I look over my shoulder, and tell Amanda, it will be alright. I have a feeling that you will be better,years to come. Don't worry about what has happen, just try to learn from them and never run away from your problems if they ever come up again. I think its the first rule everyone should know. Never run away from mistakes or something that has hurt you deeply. Also you need to trust someone first to heal little by little,with each day to come. After that, I walk down that same beaten road,I've had made from the years before. Sighing I remember the days when I was just like them and now I feel like I have grown a little more today. Time to find more pieces of my soul today and rest for maybe a day or so...if I can do that at all........

Lol so many people make me laugh in this lifestyle

Lol im on facebook and of course the one group im in the Submissives and people are just really fake. lol think that im a mistress when im not and that im too stupid. Come on do i come off like that. lol im a smart clever little girl so why would i want to fake being stupid. Hm lol why do so many fakes think they know me so well when they dont even know my name or where im from lol

well well well

Sigh today i wake up and im feeling like crap. I finally think the cleaning of my bedroom finally caught up to me sigh. And of course daddy is being mean to me. Im not really in the mood to take his crap today. I just want to relax and hopefully get over it in a few days. Sigh it never fails i clean and get sick. Ugh

March 12, 2010

Whats the world coming too

Shessh i get on yahoo and the first thing i see is a teacher writes loser on a childs paper. This made me really mad because they are allowing bullying by teachers. This is just crazy. Why is a teacher even doing this. To me its really low for someone who is a grown adult to pick on a small six grader. Come on the saying i always say is pick on someone your own size. Yet they dont do this because they are afraid of ther person being stronger than them. I really think its coming down to the end of the world because i mean all my life i have never heard of this happening. I mean i remember in ninth grade i had a history teacher who was a bitch. Always sayiing we would never become anything and say we were lazy people. And would yell so loud that you can hear here down the hall with the door closed.
See if my child has a teacher who does this i will do exactly what my mother did for me. Go above their heads adn go to board of education with it. Get a meeting and stop it once and for all by getting them fired. Really they dont need to teach if they are going to bully and humilate kids. Plus the teacher says this is his way of getting to kids when you can really see through that. Come on they even said that he threw her pencil holder into another classroom and she got in trouble to get it back for disrupting the other class when it was clearly not her fault.
The news said that there was other parents who agreed with the teachers teaching yet they didnt get on camera to say it. Now come on this is common sense, if they dont get on camera to say it then you know that they are lying so he can stay and teach. Why do you need this? Are we so bad of teachers that we are going to keep those who bully, have sex with kids to keep them around because they cant afford any good teachers. I just think its hogwash that this has to happen. All it does is make the children turn to viloence and here one day that they shoot up the place because they were bullied.
And guess what they get in trouble and not the people who bullied them. How is this fair justice when clearly it isnt. America doesnt want bullying in schools yet you see it here that they do not care at all, what goes on in school. They just want the money to keep them afloat and if anything wrong goes on they just look the other way. This is really stupid. Anyways this is enough of me rambling on this. ugh.

Warning if anyone has been raped please tread softly on this...Chapter two..Emilys Story

After walking this twisted kingdom for a while, picking up lost pieces of me, Emily comes back. My nerves started to spasms while she is walking towards me with her graceful,feline walk that makes me shiver each time she comes around me. Thinking why does she have to keep coming back to taunt me to my very core. Why cant she just leave me be and that I can collect myself in a peaceful way. I try lingering in a corner that I had found a few days back, hoping she hasnt seen me, but I can feel that I'm so wrong on that. She comes almost like a skipping walk right up to me smiling her little evil grin. Why does she want to toy with me? Acting like she's innocent when really shes not.
Finally calming down a bit I just answer her questions thinking that if I do then she will leave me be. After her babbling for a while she starts telling me something about how she came into this realm. That made me perk up and listen to how she got here. Emily speaks now: See your not the only one who is in this realm here. Expanding her arms to show this place. There are a lot of us who are still lost deep inside our minds. Not knowing what is reality or fantasy anymore.
First coming here to this realm was really scared me. I didnt know what this was or who I was at all. All I remember is how I came down here and I don't really know how to get out of it. This has been my home for years now maybe centuries. I'm not sure which it is but all I know its been a long long time. The day I got here was bad from the start. I was pretty young and still remember the walls. They are way different now. Sigh.
I was eight years old a long time ago and was at my grandparents place for the summer. It was just like any other summer till that one fatal day. My grandparents and my parents where outside talking to one another while us grandchildren were still in the house playing with one another. We were in the front room playing uno and was having lots of fun. Till it got boring and we didnt know what else to do until one of my cousin's decided that we should go out and play instead. We all agreed to do that and I stayed behind to clean up the mess. While I was doing that one of my cousins asked me to stay behind because he had something to tell me. I said sure just wait a minute and after I finished I stayed to talk to him.
That was a big mistake of my life. After sitting on the bed he shut the door and locked it and sat next to me on the bed. I felt really uncomfortable and thoughts were racing through my head. Why did he lock the door? What as so important that he needed to lock it? Things like that kept coming to me. I was very nervous till he started talking. I don't really remember what he was asking nor what I said but just went along with it so I could just get out of the bedroom. After him talking a little bit he wanted me to take my shirt off. I really don't remember to this day if I refused at first of if I just did it to shut him up. But I did it. Feeling really ashamed of it, I bow my head and came close to crying. He starts touching my boobs and I smack him every time he does this. Then he gets kinda mad and says take off your bra now. I knew what was going on and said no in a sorta quiet voice. I can tell hes getting really mad and says it again in a stricter voice and trys to take it off himself.
Smacking him again I scream it NOOOOOOO and struggle to keep it on. After this point I don't remember a lot. Just the feeling of falling deep into this abyss I never seen before. I remember it being really cold, dark and damp. Kinda like a dungeon to me. Feeling trapped I try finding a place to get out. I had no where to go and felt my panic rising up in me and I start screaming HELP ME.SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME, and all that did was echo through the walls. I could feel that only me can hear these words being tossed in the air. Finally realizing that I was right and that I could only hear them I gave up on hope. Something deep inside me, snapped and I became this zombie.
On the outside something totally different was going on while I was here. This was kinda like my sanctuary for me to come here but then found out later on that it was that. Anyways somehow I came out of it or was I still in it. Not really sure what was going on with that but I remember that I was still fighting my cousin off. He was too strong for me and I just had to take it because no one was there. Just us and after that he had raped, and used me all along. Somehow I gotten fiesty and angry at what he had done and got out of there. He was on the ground shaking his head,because I hit him and unlocked the door,grabbed my shirt put that on and went straight to my parents.
I had only told them that he touched me in places that I didnt like and they got mad. I didnt tell them the rest because I felt ashamed of it and that they would punish me for what had happen. Plus my parents are the type that if you are not bleeding don't talk about it and I thought it wasnt important to tell them. For years I let it go,well forgot what had happen till things started to make me upset. I would keep falling back into the abyss of this realm as you can see and would stay here for long period of times. After that you see is why I get very angry at times and never know how to cope with it. You see the scars on my arms is from me being disgusted of myself and punishing myself for letting this happen.
I hope that you will find your way out of this and make it safetly back to your body. That one day you will find peace and rest in your soul and that someday you will forgive yourself for the things that had happen in your life. I will tell you like many people in your have said this is not your fault. Don't feel that way. You may feel like that because you blame yourself for them raping you but truly it isnt your fault. Its their fault and hopefully have a good life. I will let you get back to picking up more of your memories and maybe you will find a missing piece that you have never seen before and be able to cope with things to come. I bid you farewell for now but this isnt the last time we will see each other. Bye for now.
Emily leaves me to myself and the quietness of the twisted kingdom. I ponder on the story Emily has told me and somehow it has calmed me down. Made me realize that some of the things in my life wasnt my fault and it never was. Maybe she is right, that I shouldnt blame myself for what has happened but to look at it as a learning process and to make myself better. While pondering on that I quietly go back to finding more pieces of myself..........

Harpies Lullaby wishes

A dangerous creature
lurks inside of me

sometimes showing its wonderful
mysterious powers
on my lover

crushing his spirit
with its powerful wings

Mesmerizing him
with her beautiful reflection

of a perfect face
while claws grip his limbs

waiting viciously
to devour his soul
gnawing on his bones
to get that delicacy
that she wants
more than anything

To gain more inner strength
To devour other lovers
with deceiving lies
promises to bring them
into her death bed
weaved of special spellbinding
seduction

to suck them dry
for their immortality

to live in a world
of deceiving foolish people

to collect the marrow
that will break
the chains of this creature

To soar as far
as her wings can take her

Do as she pleases
and never to beckon
to another command
that binds her this mortal

no more shame
regret to take another's life.
feeling like a burden
to this poor child

Shaking away past memories
she glides on the
sweet morning winds.
Feeling the freedom she had
longed for centuries at a time

Its time for her
to abide her past
and become the free creature
she was meant to be

And leave the country side
and start fresh
in a different atmosphere

Yet that one true feeling
comes back again

After she is unchained
from spells,and that
sinking feeling
floats back up to her throat

frosty tears
moistens her green skin.
cawing to God
out in anguish

she wonders why
God wants this awful
feeling of feeding
come up every time
she wants to fly away.

why put a curse
on a monster
for only being who she is?

Why hate something
that was born
to be this burden
on a earth
that has hated her
since the sky and sea
parted.

Thunder collides in the hazy clouds
foreshadowing her lonely mind

while sirens sing
a melancholy lullaby
to the hushed stilled sea

awaiting for their moments
to be free, just like me

but why does these feelings
stay inside of me

when i can soar to the end
of the world
and be who i am

yet they stay with me
never to let me
have a moments rest

Maybe i will never be
free like i thought

for these days
feel much longer

than the days i was bound
to this being, that
was kinda like me

but something more
than i will ever be

Why have i fooled myself
into thinking i would be
different than
sirens,nymphs or any
other magical creature

who lives on this world
I guess its time
to head back

into a world of reality
instead of loosing myself
inside a fake memory
of being freed
of the torment ive gone through

Soaring home to a
world of choas
is where i belong

Sometimes its funny going into chatrooms

Lol well being in the chatroom today in the christian one it is really funny. The subject for now is that most of our celebrations are from satan. This is like the tenth or twelveth time they have discussed this. If it was truely from satan then why do all the christians celebrate it hmm. Like they say easter is pagan and so is christmas and the passover. How can this be when christians do this for God? Some people are really silly in these chatrooms. taking things way to serious. Come on just chat you are not talking to them face to face lol Oh well

Okay today is turning out crazy lol

Well dang it didnt post. Well anywho i was talking in the yahoo chatrooms and all of a sudden this one girl ims me out of nowhere. Saying shes a wiccan and stuff and keeps giving me pics. I tell her about me about the bdsm life and everything and then for the first time told her about the little girl in my head. She takes it serious and thinks its her ex gf inside of me. She trys to provoke the thing and doesnt do anything and after about an hour she leaves. They are both satanic and of course i have to attract them lol. I really do not think its satan or any form of his pawns in me. Cuz it was then God would of told me that in the first place. This person really needs to find God and hopefully she will. I will be praying for her and her gf and hopefully have a wonderful life. Well thats all i got to say for now. But what a wonderful morning im waking up too lol

March 11, 2010

Health Care Form

I laugh at this because its not going to happen. Everyone is so happy that its going to actually happen but hello people wake up its not going to work. Its only for the rich and for the government to get money off of us. Actually more money off of us. If we cant have insurance or pay it then we will have an additional 2000 something odd dollars to pay on top of our bills. How will this even help us when all its going to do just kill off the poor and sick? All they want to do is not deny you even if you dont have insurance thats it. Nothing else is new here so why is everyone so happy about it? Its just like the stimulus plan. It only benefited the rich and the companies that needed the help. It really didnt go to us tax payers who actually pay to get these people afloat and yet we have more homeless people because of it. Wake up people our president is just sinking us more and more into the ground and keeping us there. All he wants is to get money back into our country and then use it for something stupid again. So come on its not a good thing at all.PERIOD.

Just tired of a lot of stuff

Im really tired of stuff. I try talking to my daddy but he throws it back in my face. Like its my fault for not talking when its not. Ive been trying my hardest to talk to him but hes always been like this when he wants to learn something or see something interesting i become second to him. Everything else is so blinded to him and i just said a little thing and he gets mad at me. I dont understand why he always does this. I try everytime yet i get blamed for it. Im done trying. Whats the point when im going to get blamed for shit i havent even done. Its one of many things that wants me to cut again. Just to open up my veins and be done with it.

Stupid person here

well im stupid. I fell today and guess what i bruised my whole left side. Sigh i will never learn lol. But other than that its been kinda boring. Trying to get back into the old habits of talking to my daddy and doing things with him. Kinda hard when you havent done it in a long long time. Hm the weather is really sucky. I mean it goes from being spring to winter really fast. It doesnt help me out at all. Sigh lol

This is a story maybe well part of it..Maybe first chapter.

Well like i said its the interworks of me in a story form. It was going to be a poem but thought it was way too long for that so this will be a story. Enjoy chapter one.



Little girl creeps inside my soul yet again. Feeling her clawing up in my veins, whispering those scarlet velvety words in the pit of me. Making me spiral to the core of myself. Seeing thousands and thousands of cobwebbed, creaky stairs that haven't been climbed in the centuries I've been hiding. Disguising these stairs with wishful dreams that may never come true. Yet Emily is descending these stairs to meet me for once in her life.
Seeing her just amazes me. I keep thinking is this another part of me? Or is she truly me and the person who is writing this is just a doll to fool people? That she is okay on the outside but deeply inside something else is totally going on. The dark abyss I'm in is made of all the daydreams, wishes I have wished and never came true. They have turned into this malice twisted kingdom that takes this person deep inside of it to wonder around it for years to come.
Shaking those thoughts away Emily smiles and I look around and see that a few other girls have gathered around us. For some reason I know all of them. Like they are a part of me. All of them smiling malicious smiles knowing what is to become of me, while I live in ignorance bliss. I stare at each one of them,scanning each one,burning them into my head. They are all different from each other but at the same time they are alike in many ways as well.
Like Emily is the cutter of the group. She is dressed in a black and white stripped hooped dress. You cant see her face at all, just her long black hair with her head lowered. She is drenched in crimson from head to toe. She gives off this feeling that screams inside of my veins to leak out its delicious dessert that she wants everyday from me. All the while I have to fight off the urge to sub comb to what she wants instead of what I want dearly...my life,(I think). After fighting her for a few the next little girl comes and takes her place.
This girl name is Amanda and she is the anger inside of me. She is dressed in ragged clothes and muddy from head to foot. Her eyes have this fiery hatred in them from what people have done to her/us. Her feelings from deep within crawls up my spine and hums the words: kill,kill,torture those that has hurt us. You need to avenge those NOW!! I slowly back away and she comes forward in a feline,graceful way singing that lullaby into me. Making my limbs do whatever she wants and its to kill those that have hurt us deeply to the core. I tell my brain to stop this,to take back over your body.a f She isnt whole, only a part of you not all so why cant you take back your body now? I cant do it because I'm weak and tired from fighting within myself. Amanda becomes weak and finally relief fills my face when the next and last girl comes to greet me.
Taking Amanda's place is Ariel. She is the saddest part of me. Her eyes are ancient and full of sorrow. She has on a flowing blue gown just like the water pools. Looking deep into those ocean blue eyes you get trapped. The feeling surrounds you making you sink, sink in the pool of the past to the point you can never get out. Left there to feel numbed and forget everything and everyone that has been in your life.
After this I cant take much more, I close my eyes wishing that this isnt happening. That I'm fading into the darkness and these other souls get to take my place. After falling for a few I open my eyes and see that I'm back at the beginning of my journey of the twisted kingdom. Nothing is here....just me in the middle of my cold abyss and time is running out for me to find myself ever again. Somehow I need to find the light in my abyss and end this before I fade to nothingness but for hours now I've been walking for hours on end in this. When will this stop? Is it me that needs to stop this and find my way out or is someone else in here to help me find the right path to take and make it safe back inside my body.
Another few hours fly by and all I see around this abyss of mine and my head is lowered and all I see is shards of the past me/who I was. I keep circling this over and over and see the same thing all around. I start to question, am I suppose to pick these up? And if I do pick them up what am I suppose to do with them? Am I suppose to piece these together and if I do, will I be better than before? All these questions float around my head, wondering what is right and wrong. The only answer I get from me is silence and I silently pick up the shards after the other, putting them back inside of my heart. Piecing my heart together with each shard I find, I hope that the glue to these pieces will stick this time and never have to go down this abyss again. When I think more on it I know this is not the end for me. I have many more turns coming down this rocky road. Finding all the missing pieces of my heart/memories. Each one I find for now locks into place where it was the first time. Finally feeling a little older and wiser than the time before, remembering of the little girl that first walked down this shaky road, uncertain of herself. Scared that she was alone and that she would never get out of this abyss of hers. Stumbling over the shards that had fallen out of her, crying crismon tears each time she had fallen on them, realizing that she will never learn from the time before. Till now does she know that she has learn quite a bit in the time she has lived here.
Somehow some part of me deep inside hopes that after walking this foggy maze that I will find the true me but I know for now that I have to walk down this lonely twisted kingdom I have made for years to come. To even realize what or who I am at that. I know there are a lot of missing pieces of me deep in this kingdom and that one day I will find all the missing memories of me and that it will make me stronger in the future.

Sniff

well yesterday i got punished by daddy because he said i was being a brat. I was in no shape or form a brat. I was making things for him to be happy and i get spanked on the bottom with a spatula because of being a brat and not listening to him. Hm i beg to differ on that. But all and all hes the best daddy i have :d And i love him for that :D

nightmare that felt so real

Well i just got up from a nightmare. Sigh it was where me and my daddy were in school together. It was in a dark place and our teacher wasnt there so we had a sub. The sub was being a bitch to me so i was just trying to participate so i wouldnt fail the class and she just shot me down. I had enough of that and told my daddy lets go. I left in the middle of class and our teacher finally shows up. She was in a nightie it looked like and overcoat. She was messed up but i didnt say anything. She was throwing up and stuff and she wanted to talk to me alone. So i was like okay and she said that she abused valium and prescription drugs. I told her my Godmother did it to and thats how she died. After a while she went to throw up again and she said go ahead and drink some of the water. Didnt think of it and i took a couple of sips and her what looked like an er person came in. I told the teacher she needs to go now before she dies and the er lady is like whats going on.. i told her that my teacher overdosed on the meds and needs to go now. She denied doing it but she looked at me and said i drugged the drink and your going to die soom. I felt my left lung or whatever burn really bad like i couldnt breathe. I called her a bitch and hit her. The er lady was gone and it was the teacher me,anthony and some other guy. She somehow got on the floor and i was next to her but she had something in her hand..it looked like red gumballs but she was going to try and just kill me off..and i was like oh no you dont bitch. I held down her hand and head and she had swallowed her tongue and i could feel her shaking. It really scared me and i finally got up and went to the door crying really hard. Finally got out of the shock of things and knew i was still drugged and was going to die. I went down the hall to hit the er button and went i get to the button i look up to the vents and i see smoke coming out. She was going to kill all of us. Then i woke up from the dream.

Now what was creepy is when i got up and my fiance did..i told him about it and he had a teacher dream as well. We have never done that before till now. And it felt so real.. The shaking and my throat that when i woke up i was shaking and just wanted to be held by my daddy.

March 10, 2010

Well tested the food today...

Well i tried the lemon bars and red velvet cake it was pretty good. The bars need to be colder but other than that they came out the way it was expected :D The cake at first i was iffy on because i tasted the mix and it tasted horrible. But after baking lol coming somewhat like i love lucy it was really good..topped with lemon frosting it was really good. Not sure if i would get it again but its good for once in a blue moon sort of thing. :D

A question for everyone

Well i wanted to see if im crazy or not. The reason being is that someone said i may have images of a person or someone talking to me in my head and it made me look like i was crazy when i dont feel crazy. Well i see this little girl around eight or so and shes in a gothic stripped dress in the oh eighteen or nineteen hundreds and i dont see her face at all.Her head is bowed down so i dont see her face but her dark black hair covers it. And all the way from head to toe she is covered in blood. I can feel her angry in the core of my being and it rises each time she visits me. And i hear her telling me to go ahead and cut. Im not sure if this is just my creative side coming out way to much or if this is a serious thing. I have been wanting to cut a lot and she has come out for about a few months. I try my best to hold back on hurting myself till about a few days ago. I did it but it wasnt enough for her to leave me. SO do you guys think im crazy or what? Thanks for anyone who answers my question

Argh it didnt post it the first time sigh.. Last Christmas

Well it didnt post it but here we go again. Like i said last year at christmas i know it was a year ago but it just popped into my head like a lot of things do later on down the road. Its like bits and pieces of a dream to me but i know ive done it. Well anyways we as me and my Daddy were going out to get presents for each other and i was looking around at wal mart and Kmart and i didnt see an angel tree anywhere. That shocked the heck out of me. Why didnt they do the angel tree or the salvation army thing? Were they lazy enough not to do it. Come on yea we may have had bad times but some people like myself who has a little bit can take a few dollars out and give it to a kid who really needs it more than us. I was looking forward to it because i feel really good when i give things to children to make them happy for a little bit. Yet they didnt do this. I know back in Gallatin Tennessee we may be a bad broke down place but each year we do that. No matter how much we are suffering we give a little to the kids that need it. Even schools pitch in and give them things that they truely need to get through the winter times and a little bit of toys. Yet here in montana they were too lazy and to mean to even take time out to even do it. Even toys for tots didnt even do it and that really bugged the hell out of me. I may have little bit of money and may not get food all the time but when it cmoes down too it God helps me out in the end and i know he will with the kids by letting me and other help them out. They need us to survive this world. I hoped and prayed for each of those kids that they got the things they needed to survive the winter time.

Outing for today

Well today since we had money went out to get food for about two weeks. We have to take the bus since we dont have a car and it was kinda crazy. Getting on was alright but little people was on it because it had snow the night before and kinda stayed for today. We went shopping at walmart...had to help out an old person for the second time this week. They dont help anyone out at all and kinda sad that customers have to help others in need.After doing that sat outside for oh ten minutes get on with my hands full of groceries and the lady infront of us was being super noisy and really rude. Asking me what im making and to just shut her up told her making italian chicken and then baking on the side. She asked if it was for class which i dont go to school and said no making it for me and my fiance. She gave me a rude look like shessh you dont need that much food and just turned around. Then the whole way back to get home she was eavesdropping on what me and my fiance were talking about. That was very rude and just try to ignore it but comeon do people have to be that dang rude. And it was like that since yesterday at rush hour at walmart. Rude people i was lucky to keep my temper in check. Sigh people need to learn manners in montana or get more iq.

Lemon Bars and CupCakes...YumYum :D

well like the title i will be making Lemon Bars and cupcakes. The lemon Bars my fiance has never had but ive had them a lot in my life and one of my favorite little deserts to eat. They are sour but also yummy when your hungry at night and just want something little to nibble on. Also the cupcakes i will be making are Banana Bread and chocolate chip cupcakes. Banana Bread is my weakness lol it is so bad for you in calories but so yummy when you are starving and have nothing else to eat. Chocolate chip cupcakes are good but i have to limit them because i get migraines from the chocolate. sigh.. But today is a good day for baking and it will be fun :D

Red Velvet Cake.....

Well like the title im going to be making Red Velvet cake. I've never made it nor ate it i dont think. SO me and my fiance are going to try it out and see how its going to be. I will blog about how it comes out when i make it later. :D But as people who know me i love baking and got some things to bake today. :D Had to sell my nitendo ds to get food money and thought baking would be a nice mix up for once. Also me and my fiance/Daddy are eating healthy as well. We've been loosing weight and just thought to keep it off to eat healthy. Its been working im down to a size Large on dresses. Never in my life have i been that small till now :D It feels good to be skinny lol and not have the extra weight on my body. Makes me a new woman sorta lol

March 9, 2010

Pretty cool dream i had.

Well after being drunk i had a pretty cool dream. It was about me my mom sis, and my fiance. I was living with my family is this weird place. And my fiance was living somewhere else and we were apart a lot. I missed him a lot and kept telling my mom that. I was working and so was he, but didnt have enough time for each other. And then my mom was working weird hours and we needed a nanny or someone like that. So she came to the place and gave us all presents...mine and my sis was silver heart lockets. And i saw my hopechest or what looked like mine. I told my friend that because he was spending the night or so. And I found out i was pregnant with my fiance's baby. I was happy but no one else except my fiacne. Well a year later my sis is gone and i was upset for a long time. The nanny was still there and she gave me pics and some letters and i saw a pic of me and my sis. I told her i never saw this one..and it brought up memories. We had a fireplace there and we ran into a secret place. But i got out but my sister never came out. I had this strong feeling i needed to get her. So i went in and had to conquer my fears. Its was like a scary ride.. each room was dark and had a scary voice i hated. I got through each level and i finally saw my sister. I told her come on we have to get through two more level before we can get out of this. She was scared and stayed...and it was lighted...i told her to hurry up before the lights went back out. She was under the covers and i went to the next level turned on the light and said come on real loud but she didnt hear me. She was itchy and i told her you can itch after we are out. But she wouldnt come out. So i grabbed her up and went through the level. I said here we are at the last level come on..i let her go first and then i went. We were on top of the roof of our house. I jumped down and she did and saw my mom and everyone else. We told them what happened and the nanny already knew this. She said you can binded your spirits so you wont get stuck in that place again. So we did that we put both our lockets which came in three parts and said a spell. Then we were safe. But i had this odd feeling that we would get sucked in again if we stayed there so i asked mom to move out of the house. She wouldnt do it and the nanny told her what would happen if we stay here any longer. So we left. And another part that just came to me is that in the beginning when i was pregnant with my fiances baby,,, i was buying shoes for my sis, and i had to go through this cold meat locker it looked like to get back to mom and the nanny. Well thats all i remember for now. Not sure if its from God but it seems like it and hopefully understand what this means.

March 8, 2010

Whats on my mind right now

Well like the title said is whats going on right now in my life. Its getting crazy. I got a good thing from God and now im having a bad thing come faster than that. I finally got my meds. YAY on that but now the uncle i live with is being an asshole. He plays these mind games that you get so tired of it that you literally have to sell your stuff just to get food. We only want to buy something for maybe ten dollars the most for the both of us and yet he says oh i dont have money.
Yet he has money to buy hundred dollars worth of fish and eat six big big meals a day and have money left over to get whatever else he wants. So why cant he get us something because we depend on him right now. Its mind games i tell you. Its just making me go farther and farther down that mind path of mine to cutting and worse kill myself. I try to be positive and that God will help us which he has done so many of times. But he wants us to go through this for im not sure. Maybe its to see if we can lean on him and have more faith.
Its also sad that we have to pawn our stuff just to get food for a few days if thats even lucky for us. Im not sure what i can do. Ive applied everywhere in montana and its the suckest place to work at. Ive applied everywhere but i cant get a job for the life of me. Im not sure what i can do. Im praying all the time that God will give us a good life and this comes in the fork of things.
Me and my fiance been through worse things but this is the latest thing we have to overcome. I know we will get through this just need to have faith and learn and grow as a person. :) well i guess thats all im thinking at the moment while my master/fiance is standing here waiting to get food because he pawned somethings sigh.

Weird Dream

Okay well i had a very weird dream. It was me my family ugh and my bf. For some reason i was back in high school and i was a long way from home. And i was in the cafeterra and my grandma comes in first and we start talking and i told her that i hated this one lady she knew because i knew her granddaughter and she was getting on my case about being a slave. THen i flicked her off and grandma was like the hell was ther for. I told her and for some reason she got excited and left lol. So i was sitting there just on my own and my grandpa shows up. I really miss him and i go up to him and give him a hug and asked if i can have some of his pop cuz i was thirsty and he gave me some. We were talking for a bit till my dad comes in. I wasnt really happy to see him but i went up to him and said hi and hugged him and then there was a big bear hug from my granpa and dad. Then i feel someone poking me in the back and i turn around and it was my bf. LOl my grandpa was finally warming up to my bf and hugged him. Then it switced that i was waiting for my grandma but i was back in my middle school place. I couldnt go all the way in but i saw a person that went to high school with me and went into the office and started talking to him. he was getting annoyed with me so i just left. I went all the way into the schhol and i was still thirsty so i went to the vending machine and they didnt really have pop till i moved a little farther away. I couldnt get them because my coins were getting stuck and all of a sudden my ex best friend is there helping me steal the stuff. We stole quite a bit of stuff and just ran lol. Well actually walked out casually and the stuff was really light. The cops were everywhere but we kept acting cool and got to the front of the school and there was a lot of cars. I couldnt tell which car was mine till i had to look in them. I finally see the one that was ours and got in. D'argo from far scape was in it and he wasnt looking at the street and i was panicing telling him to look infront of himself and drive but he wouldnt do that. He kept whining about the interior being ripped. Its all i remember lol hope you enjoy it.