About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

April 14, 2010

Chapter 7 :D enjoy it

Darkened glass shapes the foggy home that belongs to you. Tiny rays of kaleidoscope colors twinkle on the rug. Shining an untold tale that once happened to this little girl that has blinded her for many of years. Tears of ruby drops twinkle down her dainty wan face. Spilling to the luscious floor only to spread more and more of her pain onto this bare harsh world. Numbness takes over her while old thoughts race through her mind. Filling her with agony and resentment for the things she never did. All these wounds finally claim their rightful place on her body/world. To finally be put to silent of what had happened to this young girl.
Will they always stay away? Or will they come back and haunt her again and again, just like today? These little flicker of thoughts flash an instant in her mind, while all the sticky crimson liquid soaks into her clothes. Soaking up each hurt each regret each feeling she had of these world. Only for them to be soaked up and forgotten once more in this ugly realm she had made up. Will these thoughts this place go away once she has died and forgotten who she ever was. The sultry midnight voice springs out of nowhere, calling her to hurt herself once again. Singing that melancholy song that sings to her veins. Wanting that glimpse of glory of blood seeping out of the veins once more, to bring the relief it brings for this young girl again.
Slumber-less nights only bring on the nightmares that hide inside this girls mind. Only to be awaken when her conscience is not in play. Why do these nightmares have to stay here? Why do they have to come out when I can not handle myself through this ugly maze. I see the rapes vividly and the abuse that only makes me run away from the things I went through. Only for them to chase me through the lands to find me once again. Why do they have to chase me all the time? Why do they want to haunt me when all I want is relief from myself, from these pains and suffering I went through. Have I changed through these years? Mind so twisted so gnarled through this kingdom that I split myself into these young girls in the twisted kingdom? Is this what has happened? Is the midnight voice with the anger vibes inside my bones, am I her? Or is she something completely different from me? How do I know who I am when I'm not sure who these girls are inside of my kingdom?
I look up to see starless night with smoky fog filling the diry night with empty promises. Feeling of dread and emptiness sinks more and more in me, leaving me feeling like a zombie in this heartless world. Why do I have to be like this? Why does my body feel so out of place when my soul is somewhere else? Why does this have to happen to me. Did I did do this to myself at a young age? To hide my soul from the monsters that had hurt my body. Hiding my mind from those who wanted to devour it in a minutes time? Why run away from all of this? The monsters are not here anymore, only memories of them stay in my salted wounds. So why do I still run from these memories? I should be stronger than this. So why? Thats the question..
The cemetery maze is made up of dead vines that had grown out of proportion on flaky brown hedges. Leaves of long ago crunch underneath my ballet slippers, growing louder with each step I take. Heart pounds a little louder and a beat faster as I walk more into the maze. Wondering what is in this little girls head.

Always a burden to those I love so dear. People always have to crush my dreams and my happiness just to get by in this ugly world. Why does everyone have to be cruel to me, have to hurt me in ways just because I'm a girl or a girl who doesnt take crap from anyone? Why do they feel threatened by me when I'm only trying to be who I am deep inside? Do they want to crush my soul and become this ugly monster that lingers inside my slumbering body? Do they want me to be this stupid puppet on strings to obey every command of theirs? Is this why my life has to be horrible because inside I wish no I hope that I can be me around anyone and yet this has to happen.
Why do people want to run my life? Are they unhappy with themselves that they have to run my life and not let me live it the way I want too? Are they just pathetic and the only way for them to be happy, because if this is true then this is very sad. I want to be happy I want to be the one who runs her own life. One who can speak out to whatever is on her mind. Not be hinder up in this body that screams, longs for release. Why cant she get it? Why does she have to hide herself up each and every time. Is she afraid to get hurt again? I know deep down she wants out, I can feel her silent screams rushing to the surface. But nothing comes out, only little vapors of bubbles that pop with each little wind prick.
That sultry voice comes up from the back of her mind, whispering those longing words for her to obey. Each time its harder to fight this voice, harder to fight herself in this state of manner. How can she get out of this rut? How can she fight this battle on her own and win? Can she do this or does she need that one person who believes in her, to help her soul out in the end. Will anyone hear this little mouse on the tether lines, screaming her heart out for anyone to come to her. To save her from the nightmare that goes on with each breath she takes? Does anyone hear her? Does anyone want to say this poor little soul from herself? Nothing comes once again. Only the stillness of the night reaches out to her. Guiding her down the narrow foggy path once again.
Fear comes crashing up on her like tides of the ocean. Spraying her with despair and uneasiness. Only for her to keep walking, darker and darker down that slippery slope. Only her nightmares awaits her. Washing her in the icy palms of their hands. Grasping her at the neck, yanking her towards the cemetery of her doom. Look it in its eyes and see what she does not want to bear. Her death infront of her. Her failures in life coming up and smacking her in the face, pushing her down, pulling her more into the abyss of darkness that feeds on her fear. Will she ever get out this? Will she ever wake up from this dream that she had made long ago? What will she do, when she cant get out of her own mind, walking it for more than once in her life. Does this always have to happen when things get so bad that it leads to this? Leads to destruction on her frail body. Destruction on her mind, leaving her looking and acting like a zombie that will never walk with the land of the living anymore.
Why does this have to be on this poor child? That use to see the world as her canvas, and now uses that on her body. Creating this canvas as darkness, as the tales that has happened to this poor child. Twisting and dementing her mind as the years grow colder on her. Why does this have to happen is the only thing she thinks of as she walks to her death. Wanting to escape the memories of abuse, the rapes and the things that was done more than years ago. Help this child out, as the wind moans in the night. Leaving the screams behind her, leaving behind all that once was her only to go more to this other side. The side that was once her dark ugly world but now becoming her new home, her new habits in living in this realm.
Why keep living on if people look down upon you, think that you are nothing and hit you for no good reason? Why should you keep acting like your life is fine when people cut you down and call you names that hurt you to your very bones. Why should you keep going if all you think of is death and the finer things of the darkness in your mind. Why keep urging these people to hurt you, like you are alright when everything is turned upside down on you. How do you keep going on like nothing has happened and just put on a masquerade instead? Those years are done now, those things are in the past, yes I know this but if you havent been where I have, then you really don't know the edge of sanity and insanity in your mind is. Walking to that and standing near the edge for years, contemplating if sanity is better than fantasy, if reality is better than your made up world, and wondering if anyone in your life will love you just for yourself and never harm that little girl that you hide close to your heart.
Will anyone be that knight you have been waiting for? To open up your arms and throw yourself, that little girl that was locked away inside yourself, not wanting that very thing you hold precious too to get hurt once again. You think sure I can handle another heartache, another abuse but really when it comes up again in reality you cant take anymore of it. You cant act like that old person anymore, you cant act like everything is alright when someone abuses that trust. Will my dreams of loving someone dearly come to me. To hold them and cherish them like the way I want to be? It feels like I will never be given that in my life and my world crumbles to this black sea of nothingness. What is wrong with me? Why does this have to happen, so many things are whispered into my head. Saying that I'm ugly and that no one wants to touch me, makes me shudder deep inside. Why cant I feel love like anyone else or like my books do?
Why does only hurt, anger, misery and burden have to be in my veins instead of love, comfort,kindness. I want all of these and yet when I hold them in the palms of my hands I feel them burn out from them just touching the curse from beneath the soft hands. Everyday I imagine that I will be like one of those girls who gets swept off her feet and feel love and compassion through the one they loved most, yet all I get is sadness, grief and that I'm to hideous to even kiss or touch. What am I if no one wants me? A lonely soul who has to go through life like this, for her heart to tear at the seams each night as this goes on. I don't know how much more I can take before my being is ripped from me and the only thing left to bear is my soul and it will be extinguished from life. For years now I have run away from loved one, scared that I'm the one putting a curse on them, the one that makes them have a bad life and the more I look now it is true.
I look around this abyss that I sit right now and wonder where do I belong in this so called world. I don't belong with anyone, and yet I yearn for it each night that I bare my soul to the one I cling to. I'm scared that he will reject me, scared that he hates this hideous monster I have become but I try each and every minute to make myself different. To make myself feel loved and try to love back but as the dawn comes up my heart aches more as I think of the unspoken words between us knowing that I screwed up once again. I'm just a fuck up and I don't even know where to begin. I try my hardest to be the perfect girl for you but yet here I am saying the wrong words each time something goes wrong. I just don't know who I am anymore.
All I know is that I try to be something for you and I'm not sure how long that will even last. One minute you say you want to know me for who I am. Yet I tell you whats on my mind and you have to rethink if I'm the one for you. I don't even know what to say or do anymore. I'm lost in my own mind, lost in this world thats suppose to be happiness, and bliss but thats not what I'm getting. Only misery and hurt lingers deep inside my chest. Heartbreak tears my wounds open again, confused on what to do or say. Do you even love me? If you do then why does this have to hurt so much? Why does life have to be like this? Have to be this hell hole that makes us upset and torn from ourselves. This questions go round and round and no answer comes to me. So more questions and that velvet voice comes back. Chuckling and whispering that its my fault that I'm not pretty or even attractive to you and thats why this have to be this way. I just want to be happy, and have that special bliss that everyone says that happens when two people fall in love. Yet I don't see that, so what is wrong with this picture? What am I doing that makes you feel like this?
No one will ever know my hurt even as I write this down my feelings go beyond these silly little words I try hard to describe. Moments like these I long for someone just someone to understand me, to understand who I am but each moment that I try this all I get is hurt, all I get is distance and coldness. Then I retreat back into myself loathing myself for even trying once again. Feeling the longly feelings come rushing up again, to wash over this person thats suppose to be me. Will I ever learn this lesson in life? Or am I just stupid and hope that maybe one day someone will understand me that will try to heal me whole. I sigh deep inside myself, coiling up once more, and my shell looks up to the starry night that tells that another sad day ends and a horrible morning will rise.

April 6, 2010

Chapter six to my story enjoy it :)

Waves crash over my body,aching and screaming deep inside. Wanting to claw up to the surface and be free from everything. Why does this have to happen? Evil thoughts pop inside my head contemplating over and over if I should do them just this once and it wont make me a bad person anymore. Would it or am I just doing this because I don't know how to be good anymore? Even when I'm good someone always has to abuse that, twist it to their own lies to make them feel better in the end and that makes me hurt myself.
Silent screams echo deep inside my chest. Bubbling up from the pits of hell, open my mouth and only vapor escapes. Only the wind captures my feelings and pops them with their tiny pins. Spraying them around the earth for someone just someone to hear what I have to say. Hoping and praying that someone will be my rock, my protector from all the evil I must endure. Only for now I get silence once again. Only hearing the screaming locked inside of this person. Caged emotions banging against the iron bars, wanting to be free, wanting to escape the possibilities that will happen if they don't get out.
Drifting on uncertainty while shame clings onto me, as past memories come up. Bottled up emotions from years of suppressing them are surfacing each day as these old scars come up. For many years to come I've inflicted crimson regret and betrayal on this frail body that was suppose to me mine. To quiet the sultry midnight voice that clouds my judgment deep inside of me,to have a few sweet delicious, glorious seconds of stillness inside of me. Then the humming starts up again louder and louder it gets forcing/promising it will make me better. I give in because I'm too weak to fight off her vengeance. Somewhere in the depth of my soul, these pages that I read are of my heart, body, and soul of the earth and people I once knew. How each of these pages, know my pain and feelings, that I do not know. My eyes flit through the pages, yearning a burning desire my conscience only knows of. Filling my pretty little head with fiction, fantasies that I have longed to live for. Would these ever come true? Maybe I'm dreaming that one day these dreams or fantasies some may say are only that. A hoping child, left to bare that they are just in her mind. Could she stand that? Could she bare it all on her own? For only echos of dreams of passions, never fulfilled in this child will only whirl inside,confusing herself with all these daydreams,swarming around her realm.
Only to wake up to another day of misery and gloom. Despair crossing her face,for only she knows what her dreams where about. Agony never going away,leaving behind its ugly feeling of lonesomeness dwelling home. Down the rabbit hole I go again,drifting farther and farther down it,not knowing what lays before me. Uncertainty and cold whispers its way into my inner chambers. Nightmarish dreams enter my waking soul, flashbacks of my past life floats before my eyelids. Flitting like movie pictures, capturing my emotions over and over, never changing in a moments breath. Each one ripping through me like tiny jaws nibbling on my bones. Working their way deep inside my body,wanting me to remember
Hollow as the washed up foamy water. Water gypsies spring forward to capture my soul, that slumbers deep inside. Tunnels that dwell my being, that twists around dark desires that grow with each breath I take. Empty promises sprout from your serpent mouth, begging for these intentions to come out and play. Chains uncurl inside their sleeping wake, slithering towards you, snaking,coiling,around you. Binding you to the bed. Changing forms,smoky demon eyes bore into you, voice like glass chimes,sing song whispery huskiness asks, “Is this what you wanted? Do you want to see my darkest dreams, that I had chained in me? Are you satisfied now that you see it?”
Hair as dark as midnight floats like mermaids hair under water. Tangling in tendrils around her shoulders, eyes like demons deathly eyes, mouth as wan as paper. A low growl growing from your throat, thunders through my soul, bearing my heart to you. Eyes gazing at your beauty, awed in your presence, cant even move an inch. My brain kicks in screaming run run run. Yet my body stays here yearning for your lovely touch on my body. Skin touching skin,mouth touching mouth, words speaking the words I want. Body screams for your waking, wanting all the desires you have locked inside your poor soul. Your eyes haunt my very being but I can not move or utter the words I want to say to you. Did you put a spell on me? What have you done to me? I want to leave right now but what is making me stay here?
What spell are you putting on me, I want out of here. Let me go, I want out of this realm. Out of your deathly,ghastly world. I want to live in the living,not where death walks. I want the roses to bloom and not see only buds that have died more than once here. I want fresh air in my lungs than this smoky dirt in my mouth. I want to be with you in the land of the living, where we can live a normal life. What makes you stay here? What is keeping you chained in this gosh forsaken world? Is there unfinished business that you need to complete before my angel, my butterfly can fly away? Each night I lay awake on this lonely bed,wishing my little golden butterfly will come back to me. Wanting that lively young woman back in my arms. Hair as smooth as skin caressing my face as we lie together each night.
Now all I see is hatred in those glazy eyes. Each day I pass you by, I see the anger growing deep inside you. Fury lingers inside your bones, eating,devouring your soul as you walk the undead realm. When will you come back to me? Are you going to stay like this forever? Living inside your anger, letting it devour your being each minute that passes by? What has happened to my little butterfly? Why doesnt she flutter away like she use to? Loving nature to its finest, sigh I think to myself I will never see that precious laughter in your eyes, like I use to see when you looked into my soul. Utter sadness takes over me, pity lingers in my bones, waiting for you to come back to me. Some nights I look to the sky and pray to God that you will come back to me as you once was. Then other nights my faith is gone and know that you will always walk among the dead, wandering for all eternity trying to find who you once was, in a dream filled with hopes, ambitions, that lively color in your cheeks. Oh I miss you my darling..please come back to me. These are my dreams I longed to be fulfilled each and every night that you are not with me.
I hope that you can find yourself and come back to my side and love like you once did many years ago. I hope that you dream of me,in your foggy mind, trying to come back but still blinded by blood that makes you live in this hollow land. Fiery winds tousle through your hair, hitting your rosy cheeks with a tangy bite that dwells inside of you. Trudging through the thicken snow that has fallen fresh only a few minutes ago. Legs numbed to the chilled air, harsh crunch clings to your ears. Only memories circle in your head. Walking wherever these pictures lead you. Unaware of the temperature changing, muted to the stillness in the forest. What made it so haunting to be in this made up forest? Trying to find who you are in this lonely woods, only to hear quietness beneath the tall trees. No sun, nothing can be heard as you keep trudging through this all by yourself.
You keep thinking: what have I done to deserve this at all? What made me come into this forsaken place,just to wonder around for years and never remembering,replacing who I was within. Where did this girl go? What had happened in this kingdom that she doesnt even want to remember. These thoughts race through her mind, kicking up its speed. Making her stomach ache till she stops the thundering booms in her head. Aching to leave, she has nowhere to go. Only in a circle is what she had put herself in, and now she cant even remember how to get out of this jungle maze.

Okay lets try this again lol

Sigh I'm sorry that I havent been on. The reason for this is because my internet got cut off and the uncle wants to turn it back on.. but thats kinda stupid. If he cant pay our bill for a month what makes him think that he can pay that and pay off our bill? Sometimes he doesnt think things through and just puts more money out which is stupid. Lately ive been letting my anger come out, no more nice lady anymore to him. Hes been doing mind games to the fullest. Acting like hes having a panic attack or hes going to have a heart attack when we need to get a little bit of food, and comes home talks to his sister and hes fine. Jumping and skipping and all cheery. Why play these mind games? Hm probably because he is acting more and more like his brother,jay. Swindling everyone out of their money and he gets everything handed to him on a golden plate.
Ill give you an example of this stuff. Okay you know Sunday was easter and he kept pushing this elaborate feast on us and I kept telling him its going to be about fifty dollars or so and he said oh okay. So we go out and we get the stuff and he tells me only to get two cans of pineapple. Well you should know if you do it my way,, you get a huge ham two cans of pineapple isnt going to cut it, so I ignore him and put in a third can. I look him in the eyes and I already see hes doing the huffy puffy thing like hes going to have a heart attack. Sure enough I counted to ten in my head and rounded the corner to where the ham was at and said we are going to have to leave and stuff because he was going to have a heart attack. Sorry when someone plays lots of mind games on you, you just laugh at them and thats what I did. I snorted and rolled my eyes. Said well if you are going to have a heart attack then go to the hospital. Hes pretty stupid because he would be flown to helena and then how will he get back home? Hmm he wouldnt so he really needs to stop that shit. Anyways get back home from getting the bread, juice and somethings and he talks to his sister and hes all cheery, no heart attack of the sort.
So why do this? He gets a full paycheck each week now and hes making our food even cheaper than what we are spending. We spend ten dollars but now he wants us to spend five dollars for meals to last for about three to four days and five dollars isnt going to get you anywhere and with me and my fiance that would be um only two fifty per person. Who in their right mind makes a meal for two dollars and fifty cents. Um no one. So why does he think we will keep that for at least three to four days. He has his sister Nancy paying the mortage and whatever else he needs help with, the pastor next door only pays two hundred and so where does his money go? Um to more food for him because in about six months or so nothing has been paid really by him. And he ran up our bill on the internet and saying he wants it back on. I'm really tired of it and him whispering and sayiing he cant say stuff here like its about me. For some reason he hates me, probably because he is bitter about girls but that is no way to treat me. Ive been treated rotten in my life and I'm not going to have a free loading uncle do this to me all because I'm a girl who loves my fiance. If he doesnt like it tough tits don't take it out on me. Ive been way nicer to him, paying way more than what was expected of me. Paying five hundred dollars for a small bedroom, and everything else on top and treating him out everyday. He is a selfish egotistical pig that wants everything on a platter and I'm not doing that.
My motto is if you have two hands and two feet that work then you can do it. But now on to what I was really going to write about now, I got this book from the library and its called Yellow Star by Jennifer Roy and its about Jennifer's aunt who was only four and half years old who went into the ghetto. This book made me cry twice and lots of things went through my mind. This little girl went through some hard times and was very very brave. This kinda reminded me of my great aunt, Aunt ronnie we call her when she went into the camps. But this girl I think by far, that God was looking out for her family. They went to the ghetto and they never went to camps. Well they were suppose to but her father had a gut feeling not to go and instead used his brain and hide them. It was amazing how they got around the Nazis and amazed and awe that God truly looked out for them. There were a lot of times that they would be seperated but God was there helping that family get through those years. I recommend this book. I know its a children book but it a really good book. This kinda raised thoughts about how did my great aunt get out the camps and the only one surviing it out of our family. I think I tried asking her but she wouldnt want to talk about it. So I kept quiet but I love reading books like this because it kinda gives me answers to some of my questions that I had in my head for years.
Okay next thing on topic, my story. Ive been working on it and got chapter six done. I went over it and think its pretty good so I will post it when I can get to the library and post it for you guys. I'm now writing chapter seven and kinda iffy on it. Its taking some time but coming slowly out of me. Also my cross stitching is coming along, I'm now working on the flowers which that took me oh about a few months to do that. Finally finished the bamboo which I got sick and tired of the same colors lol. Also so now my bdsm lifestyle. Oh man I love it. This past week has been a lot for me.
It has kept me in balance and I love every moment of it. Lets see Daddy has been strict and I think I love it a lot. He has ordered me to be good but you know sometimes I can tbe good and get punished. He has been using the hairbrush on me..it hurts but I love the feel of it. Also been doing vampire kisses lol biting my lips breasts, arms and anything else to keep me in line. I love pleasuring him and how it feels for me as well. It makes me feel like a good little girl that needs a lot of training at times but I have come a long way from when I first time I met him. I look back and see that I was a timid girl who didnt want anyone in her life. Now I see that I have changed a lot in the past three years of knowing him. Sometimes it scares me and wonder if being shy and not knowing or letting anyone in is better in the end or not. I love being me and how I have grown and changed in the past few years. Looking back kinda shocks me on how much ive grown in the short three years. Okay lol Daddy is telling me its time to stop writing and go to bed. Sigh I have so much to write but I cant do it. I guess later for another time. I know I write to much lol but I will talk to you guys later. Have sorta big day, hoping that we can get a job and get out of this hell hole. Please pray for us. Thanks talk to you soon. Ariabelle