About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

June 30, 2011

Question for the day....

I have one question to ask today and hopefully i can get some comments going on this. Lately i feel like my writing is inadequate to me and i want to improve on it. What do you think about my writing? Good criticism will be much appreciated here. Plus tell me what you think about how my writing is, as of today.. Until next time

My lovely trip to the ER.....

Got in at two or three something am for anal bleeding and stomach pains. Guy that gets me in is sorta nice. Then wait for maybe a minute or two and get called back. Okay all fine and dandy there. Then i get a nurse name Stacy, okay i guess we are fine there. Sit down and talked about what is going on while I'm in pan.Not a good idea.
I tell her my problems and she writes maybe one two little words. Okay this is where we go down hill. Okay, takes blood pressure and my vital signs. Okay fine in that area. She goes and i have to get in the damn gown. Hate that part. And subtle asks me oh pee in the cup. Glares, not good. Leaves while i did that, and i put it where it is suppose to go.
Okay i sit there waiting as patiently as i can. Look at the pee cup, still sitting there after twenty minutes, then thirty minutes rolls around, and its still on the table. Okay not a good sign. After about an hour and twenty minutes passes by she finally comes back and guess what Ashley sees, you guessed it, iv and blood tests. Oh joy for me. NOT! She comes back after taking the pee, finally.
And rolls out the tourniquet and what not. I'm like okay, lets get this over with. I sit up since I'm kinda use to doing that, and i tell them not once but three times, take the blood from my RIGHT arm. not my left. Did they listen, nope. Went directly to the left arm, she poked me, boyyyy did that hurt, and not only did she do that, but she wiggles it around and even further up the arm. Now by this time I'm trying not to pass out, and throw up. I was so fucking dizzy. And to make matters worse, she is like okay I'm going to pump some air into it. Oh great, so she connects it to the needle and makes it hurt ten times worse. I look at Daddy and I'm about to cry. She finally takes the needle out and puts the little gauze on my arm, and drops my vial. Nice move. Picks it up, but takes her hand off the gauze, nice move there, not.
Then they go for the tape, I'm like, i cant have it, I'm allergic to it, then try getting me the other tape. More i think of it, i am allergic to that as well, thank goodness she didn't put that on me. Puts on the red gauzy tape and proceeds to the right arm. I'm thinking at this point, about time. OH man am i soo wrong on this. So she goes to the next arm and cant seem to find a vein. I tell her go for the huge vein on my lower arm, its where every one takes it. She looks but doesn't see anything. So she goes and gets another person to do it.

At this point I'm thinking okay they can get it and i can be out of here. Fine lets get it done. The guy comes in and acts like he is going to do surgery on me. Propping things up, jacking up the damn bed really high, puts up the rails and everything. I'm like why are you doing this in the back of my mind but he just keeps doing what he wants. He goes out for a second and I'm just staring at Daddy with my eyes, saying what the hell is he doing now.
He comes back and he takes my arm and i have it hanging there and he gets pretty close to it. My hand actually brushed his you know what twice and i jerked away. Does that probably another two times, and he pokes me, wiggles the damn needle around and gets nothing. So he tries or looks for another place to try,pokes me another time, says fuck it and goes away.

I wait there and then someone else comes in. She says, she is the supervisor nurse and that she can get it. We chat a bit, was friendly till i got to the parents are abusive part. She got quiet and guess what, still cant get it. Guess what they do, wiggle it and dig it deeper into me. I just cringe on it.. and she says well i cant get it. I only do it twice, which she did and said that's enough. I'm going to have to get the lab tech. Before the lab tech comes in, she comes back with two stuff animals, since i had tiger and lambie, which are my animals with me, she came in and said here you go this is for abusing you. I'm like okay. Daddy and i play with the stuff animals and waited, once again.
About twenty minutes later, the lab tech lady comes in. She finally gets some blood out of me, and it starts clotting up about ohh half way through it. She said, Damn girl. Because it only filled all four vials less than half way up. She is like well i think this is enough. I'm like finally.
They go and i have to lay on my side since I'm hurting a lot. Then two minutes later someone comes in and says well we are going to do a pelvic exam. Oh fun.

Well i told the lady shes gonna have to wait a second, I'm hurting here and have to flip back on my back. I did that, man did that hurt. then made me scoot all the way up, and then started getting things ready. I'm sitting there waiting and i just hear all of this stuff going on, and the doc comes in and starts doing it. Okay now here is the fun part, he just pops the fucker right in, no relaxing nothing just bam. Which hurt like a mother fucker.
Then as i hear from Daddy later, the fucking thing broke. Great and he didn't know what he was doing, and kept looking at his watch. Yea, not good. The nurse is acting like a serious nurse, asking like do you need this doctor, or here doctor, this. Which was sorta funny.
Then he starts talking unprofessionally. Saying whats moving, and it wont sit still. Said look at this nurse, it just keeps popping. At this point, I'm like just get it done. Finally swab me for STD'S and etc. and says, literally, well since the anal is here lets just do that, and without warning just pops the fucker in.
I'm crying at this point, because he doesn't do it once, he does it twice. Says nothing from the pelvic nor the anal. And just leaves. But i think the thing that got on my nerves the most, was when i was spread open, the nurse kept going in and out of the damn room. And they didn't bother to put the curtain around me at all. Came close to cussing her ass out.

But, they just leave and I'm sitting there crying, because the pain is ten times worse now, and i have nothing to take it away. Daddy was there the whole time with me, rubbing my arm, kissing my head, saying its okay. The doctors kept trying to push him out. I got pretty mad there, he is my fiancee and i say he stays and I'm glad he did.

After a few minutes, the doc comes back and says everything is normal, and looks at me weird for hanging on the side of the bed. And ask whats wrong, I'm like duh, I'm fucking hurting, why do you think i came in, to blow money and just make things up.
Then comes back and says well the blood work and everything came back negative and not sure what it is. So, he just kinda blows air for a second or two and then Daddy starts talking to him, since no one wants to believe a word of what i say, and then hes like, at the very end asks, well do you want a colonoscopy or the hemorrhoids and follow up with a stomach doctor.
I glared at his ass and said not the colon thing and hes like well you may have too. I just give hm a mean stare. He is like what do you want, i lay my head back down and, just said do what the fuck you want. I'm tired, hungry and just want to go home.

So he kinda rocks back and forth on his heels and looks at his watch and says in his own words, well why don't we say its hemorrhoids and call it a day. I'm like fine, go away. Before we left Daddy asked if i could have a painkiller pill, but they look at me and said well we can do the iv, but don't want to stick her and i didn't want it either.
Two hours for four vials of blood,and Two nurses,one supervisor and a lab tech, yea probably same amount for the iv. No thank you. But they gave me a fucking prescription i have to fill out to get the pain meds. Like wth.

I'm so use to Gallatin's, where they ask what you want and go to their little medicine cabinet and give you a pill right then and there. NO IVs. But finally they let me go, yay thought i was on the home stretch, NOT! I get out and then i have this rude lady, like Ashley i need your insurance info, I'm like i don't have any. So i just go over, and she is like sit, and I'm like no I'm hurting and gives me a weird look. Then she goes on with the stuff, and asks for a phone. Yea, I don't have a phone, told her that like seven times, i know what her game was, but i really don't have a phone. Hell I'm poor, if i come in with no insurance that means i don't have money. I got asked if i worked, like ten times maybe, if not more than that. So Daddy just shut her up and gave his uncles phone number. Then shes like okay you are done. Yea thought there was suppose to be all this info you needed from me. Glared at her pretty mean and just went. Walked straight home, which took a bit.

Time i got out it was close to eight am. Not feeling so well and cuddling with my animals. I got two free stuff animals from the hospital as a bribe. But that isn't going to take away the soreness, the mental stuff and how i am feeling. I know i am reporting this, and it wont go unheard. But that is how my day sorta went..

Another Rant/ramble from me....

Okay today i have a big rant i need to get out of me. Lets go with yesterday's little outbursts i had. I was very upset with Daddy for what he did, talking to other Dommes. Which he said he wouldn't do. I got very emotional but i think its because i kept a lot of things in me. And i just let them build up so much that i just explode on a simple little thing. I had a big break down from just a lot of stress things going on and etc. To the point i came close to cutting again. But i knew that would hurt Daddy a lot and break O/our trust. I still keep hearing the voices, but this time last night it was calling my name and said something else, but in a woman's voice, and really soft. I heard it a couple of times. This is nerve wracking.

This is bringing up some really bad memories and of course feelings. I'm not sure what i can do at this point. I have no money to go in and just "talk" to a counselor and etc. I think that is why i had a break down is holding in my feelings towards this. Its really bothering me. Coming more so now than they ever did and I'm not sure why. Maybe a memory wants to come and pop its ugly unnoticeable little head up and say hi i think its time you remember me. I have enough memories to go through, enough feelings to sort through, than to deal with this one. Am i ready to deal with another problem in my life? Or should i say past? I don't feel like I'm ready, don't feel like i am capable of dealing with this memory. I feel like if this one comes up, i don't know, feels like it is worse than any of the others that have popped back into my life. Feel like i will let out my darker self and let her play for a bit and really don't want that. Why i have so many restrictions inside myself, so many nos and boundaries of what is good and what is hers.

Its like i have me and then have her. I know i sound crazy but its how i feel. And when a new memory pops up, this is her time to escape her little cage and play for a bit. I always dread this. Not sure how could cope with it, how Daddy will cope with it. I just don't like showing people who i am because I'm afraid that i will be abandoned once again. Which i have numerous times. And I'm always afraid that i will loose the only one i love so dear to me. Afraid that he leaves or what not if i can even be sane. He is the only one that has kept me sane, other than God. I just don't think i can face it again. Probably why i break down so much. And this is the only thing that keeps me semi sane when I'm in a break down mode.

I also noticed that lately I've been dreaming pretty crazy dreams. IF it isn't black outs, where i don't remember my dreams and its just pitch black, but wake up in a cold sweat and know that i did dream about something, probably the memory that wants to come up. Or i have really insane sci fi/fantasy ones. And that is what I'm getting now. Except for last night. I wake up and I'm in a strange mood all day afterwards. Not sure why i am like that. But I'm feeling really weird today and i cant really pin point why i feel so out of place. Like i forgot something but i know i didn't. It has been one of those days, and I've been forgetting a lot of things and also i have been checking my body out, and I'm getting scratches and bruises again and i haven't done anything to create them. I always get them during my black outs. I think its because i move a lot from that memory or what not and i tend to hurt myself and never know it, since in those black outs i sleep pretty deep.

But hm I know I'm rambling a lot, but this is what I'm feeling and thinking at the moment. Okay on the brighter and cheerful things.... W/we got some extra money, from Daddy's mom. Wasn't expecting money at all. But W/we got it. Will be getting Daddy's medicine but also we have a little spending money. I got some new books. Yay. I'm so happy. I love to read and finally got a few more books. I got Terry Goodkind, three books of his and another one is a Victorian era one. I have heard good things about Terry Goodkind books and now I'm going to see if it is truly good.

I'm really pleased to get some books. Been looking for some sci fi books to read and i came across his, which i helped with Cancer as well. Books were only a dollar so i helped with four buck towards cancer research. I always love doing that, since my family has almost all kinds of cancer running through it and it is one of the hardest diseases to help cure. But I'm kinda getting tired of the known books that I'm into. Its like music with me. It gets old after so many times and this is it for the books. I haven't read a good sci fi book for a long while and I'm crossing my fingers that i found one to my liking. I will blog later, with reviews and updates with my progress on it. To show what think about the book and what i found interesting in it.

Okay think I'm done rambling now. Until next time.....

June 27, 2011

What's on my mind for today

okay where do i start. I know for one this will be a rant of what is on my mind right now. I know also that I'm in the mood to type and write a lot. Ive been wanting to write on this for a while, just didn't have the inspiration nor the time to write anything on it. Okay of course this is a topic on the B.D.S.M lifestyle. :D So bare with me.

Okay i started going back on Collarme, to find friends and to talk to people since wire club is being stupid enough teens on it. Yes, i know, i have said multiple times that Collarme is the same way, but i dont know, guess i need a different pace. Well maybe i am wrong but i don't know. Anyways, was looking through the profiles to see who would be cool to get to know and etc. And i keep coming across profiles that say: "to use and abuse" "Slaves who are property and know that they are". This kinda upsets me to still see this. Yes i have made a comment on this on my collarme account and of course i am doing it again, but this is going else where.

Okay here is the start of my rant. I am a little upset but more upset than anything. I still see that there are posers, fakes in the lifestyle. People who truly think that abusing is part of the lifestyle and also the property part as well. See as you all know, i am a slave in the lifestyle and you may have not known but i have been abused for almost all my life. So this does hit a patch with me that i tend to not and try to think about.

But anyways to the ones who say, "to use and abuse", this really irks me.If you have ever been in an abused home or been abused by anyone then you know what abuse and B.D.S.M is about. IF you are in it, i mean. Abused is for those who do not have a right to say no when they are being abused. People who are in it are isolated and are pretty much by themselves. So when someone says,"use to abuse" you really shouldn't be in the lifestyle. The whole point of B.D.S.M is that it is consensual. You should know what that word means. It does not mean to take the power, it does not say to abuse the slaves/subs in the lifestyle. But in fact is a choice for the slaves/subs to be in the lifestyle and to choose to have a Master/Mistress in the lifestyle. That doesn't mean you should be a matt. It doesn't mean that you will be used with any force that you do not allow.

Why do people think it is alright to abuse people in the lifestyle?I've had it a couple of times, Masters saying well they are the bottom and do exactly what the Master does. That isn't true. Because it is a choice of their WILL to whom they want to serve. It is a mutual agreement, not one sided. The ones who think like this i hate to say it, are Fakes and posers. If you do not know exactly what you are doing then i think you should step back and learn about B.D.S.M a lot more before ever experiencing in it. Yes it is power exchange, but it is consent on both or more parties that are in it. Doesn't mean you can take whatever you please. That is being on the abusive side and that isn't what B.D.S.M is about.

Okay next part of the rant. The ones who think that all slaves/subs are property. Hm now this makes me mad as well. Since my feminist ways come out a little but i think its also because of the rapes and stuff that has happened in my life that brings this out. WE HAVE A RIGHT TO OUR BODIES. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT AND ETC BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE PROPERTY. That part really annoys me. We arnt meat on sale to be eaten or to be looked upon. Being a slave is so much more than just looking pretty for O/our Masters/Mistresses but to please them and make them happy. There is more things than being property,if you are thinking in those lines.

I truly think that you have to have a clear mind and a lot of understanding of what B.D.S.M is truly about. It isn't about sex and it isn't about taking power. It is consent of giving up O/our power for O/our Masters/Mistresses. The people, and yes, many Slaves/subs who have said it a lot on Collarme and other places to be used and abused, truly don't want that. You know why? Because me and Daddy have talked to women who act like slaves and said this, and they get exactly what they want. You know what that is? A controlling abusive person. And they whine saying its not what they wanted. Then clearly you should know the definitions to both and know that they are two different things.

I advise the ones out there who think this, you really need to learn before you speak. Think of the consequences before you even type those words. Because in the end you will regret it. And who will you blame? Probably not yourself, but the people who treated you like dirt. So again, think before you speak,type or whatever and maybe you will have a better experience in the B.D.S.M lifestyle.

I think that sums up what i was thinking on that. On to other important things. I haven't been doing to well the past few days. I have some how hurt my foot. Put any pressure on the toe and i collapse from the pain. I'm not even sure how i hurt it. I'm hoping that it is a sprain and will go away in a few days. Or i may have to see what i can do for it.

Also, kinda finding out that some of my suppressed memories are trying to surface. But i guess its been like this off and on for about thirteen years. I keep hearing mumblings of guys around the house, and i think its the t.v on and go to check it out and nothing is on. Ive been experiencing this since i was ten years old. I don't know if it will ever go away but it kinda startles me. It makes me loose sleep and makes me very anxious. I really don't want to deal with the memories that are being suppressed. probably why they are like that. But i just don't think i can handle them right now. I know some of them wants to come up, but its like just go away. It seems like it only comes out when I'm really nervous, angry or sleep deprived for a while. So who knows what the heck i can do for that.
I really don't want to go and see someone, since no one really helps me anyways.

Oh, almost forgot. I'm still reading The Invisible Ring by Anne Bishop. I must say it is one of her boring books i have read. Ive been reading it for about a month now, and I'm thinking okay it can just end now. It is very slow and just kinda drags for me. It is very different from her other Black Jewel books and i wont recommend anyone reading it. Read her other books in the Black Jewel trilogy. I'm still trying to give the book a chance, but it looks like its not going to happen. Who knows maybe it will, until it does i will just keep going at a slow pace with it.

Other than that things are going okay, i hope they are. Seems like everything else is fine till something else pops up. I think that was all i wanted to say and to get things off my chest, since it has been bugging me for a bit. Until next time......

June 26, 2011

What my collar means to me letter to Daddy

*This is a letter to Daddy for O/our Anniversary. And also how i feel and my thoughts when i put my collar on each and every day.*

My collar means the world to me. It represents my love, my trust,my honesty is bound to my Master. My collar holds all that is dear to me. When i look at my collar, memories come back. Reflecting how much we have went through. How much our bound has grown and shaped. It shows my loyalty shows my love when i wear my collar. Shows that i am bound to you for the rest of my life. I give you my life into your hands because i know that you care for me deeply.

So many memories pop up when i wear my collar, but i wear it proud beacuse it shows how much i/W/we've put into this relationship. To this day i still dont know why you put up with me. Put up with my temper at times, put up with my rowdiness, put up with my stubborness. Sometimes i lay awake at night, watching you sleep and wonder why you put up with me. Why you love me so much and want to grow and learn with me. I wonder at times why you pick me out of everyone you have known to stay with me, to love me and make me your slave. What is so special about me that you see in me?

When i think about my collar, my slave bangel and rings, i feel a proudness that I AM YOUR SLAVE. It shows me how much you love me, how much you care for me. Even at my worse you are still there guiding me when im at my lowest. You are there when i truly need you and it makes me cry, happy tears of course that you are the only one in my life who will do that. And days like this, my fear rises up and think that you will leave me. I push it down each and every day. Saying to myself, you are different, you are the one that God put in my life. The one to change everything in and about my life. So why does that pop up at times? Maybe its just my instincts, how i was brought up, but of course you know this.

I want you to know how much you have helped me. Before you met me, i was severly depressed. I had no one really to talk too. The friends i did have in my life were never there. Never wanted to help me in my darkest times.I didnt know where to go. I prayed and talked to God a lot but i still had that emptiness. I knew that i still didnt have anyone in my life who truly cared for me and wanted to see me happy. To see me, be me. I thought in those few minutes before you met me, if i couldnt find anyone who really wanted me alive, i would just hurt myself pretty bad. Just break myself competely from this world and just accept my life would be horrible. But within those two minutes of thinking, of praying you imed me. I was so confused at the time so when you pmed me, i didnt really hold my breath. For a few i said okay this will be the same. Just a waste of my time, but the more i got to talking to you, i dont know. I just had this feeling, this security i never had. I loved it so much, and we became friends, very good friends. And after that when the months kept going and we kept talking and getting more and more involved with each other, i fell in love with you.

I wasnt expecting that. I merely wanted a friend who could just listen and help me when i needed it and vise versa. But you were and are the first and only person who truly listened to me. You were the only one there to offer help, to offer comfort in my time of need. I knew i could trust you with my life, i knew that i could talk about anything without fearing you would use it against me. I didnt have to cringe and think you will talk to my family and get me into trouble. I knew i could trust you as a friend as a lover. For some reason around three months in the relationship, but i felt like i have known you all my life. I already knew that you were my other half i have been looking for. I was just so surprised to see it so soon and so fast.

You have changed my world and i thank you for that. If you werent in my life, it would be worse than what it is today. I would not be myself, not be competely sane,stubborn and with a spirit. Not only have you changed me on the outside but you have competely changed me inside.
My thinking is competely changed now.Instead of all the negative thoughts that go through my mind so many tmes but now i put my mind onto brighter things. Our special memories that we've made together. You have taken most of my ugly memories away and replaced them with your love, your trust, your honesty and you being what i truly need. A Daddy and lover a friend. All of those in one. I cant not thank you enough for changing me competely. I feel so much healthier than what i was four years ago. I feel so much happier, so much alive than, when i was living at my old home.

I love you with all my heart and soul and i am completely bound to you. I am proud to say that Im YOUR SLAVE. You are the only one in my life who i will love forever, who will always obey you. To grow old with you, to raise children with. You mean so much to me. And when i put my collar on, all of this goes through my head. And it makes me hold it up high and shine with your love. You are my everything and happy anniversary Daddy.

Love you with all my heart and soul, Ashpea

A lot of things on my mind..

Okay this will be a rant today. Today has been a little tedious for me. Went shopping today and of course im in long sleeves and another shirt and i still burn. Like what the hell. I put on long sleeves so i wouldnt get burnt. Okay so go to Wal-Mart and there is no carts. Had to go back to the damn car and get one. Then i have everyone in Wal-Mart looking at me like im crazy. Then i get home and talking a bit on wire club. Get a request and thought it would be a nice person, boy was i wrong. He messages me and starts talking about rape fantasies and doing it to me. I chew his ass out because i have been through real rape and it still triggers a lot of things. So he messages back and acts like he knows all about BDSm and puts it with rape. Again i chew him out, saying that he just needs to back off. Admit that he doesnt know anything about it and leave it at that. But no, since dumb people have too much pride to say they were in the wrong, and keeps going on about it. Saying that im a slave but i dont like rape. HEllo they are two different things. Sure some girls like rape fantasies but i am not one of them, since i have been through real rape. It would trigger a lot of things, but of course he wont know any of that because he is being an asswipe and want to start things.

I try not to let people mess with me, but that does. It brings up a lot of memories and its hard to just ignore them whenever they pop up. I wish that i could erase them and make some new ones but if i didnt go through everything that i did, i would not be the same person as i am right now. I am glad that i went through that stuff, shows how strong i have become, how much i have grown and etc but some days like this, it really bites to see that. I try and tell my mind all the good i have done, but sometimes its a bit more stubborn than i am. I know i have gotten through the memories, gotten through all the hurt with that but some of the scars are still there and will be, so things like that will trigger them at times.

But i wanted to rant today about what im thinking and feeling at the moment. Lots of stuff going on, lots of worries that im trying to put behind me and hoping that God will help out soon enough. But hm on the other hand, the D/s relationship is going a bit slow. I think its just all the stress and worries getting to Daddy and I so its a bit slow. Hm i think that is all i have to say for now.

June 25, 2011

I think im a weird magnet....

well today wasnt my day. First went out and its pretty windy on and had my skirt on kept blowing up pretty high and of course i dont have anything on because dont have that much money, so had to go home and put some of Daddy's shorts on. Go out to safe way, and shessh all these weirdos are coming out. Was coming back home and just waiting for the light to change so we can cross the road, i hear this honk,look back and they are honking at me of course. Kept doing that till they passed us and said,"I love you" and the lady that was driving gave a thumbs up.

Im not sure why there are a lot of cat calls going on. But it is a little annoying. I have never heard this in my life. Dont know how to take it lol. Here in Montana you just sit out on your porch and bam you get all these calls and what not. I think im just a magnet for weird people. Out of the three years of living here i have had more encounters of crazy,weird and drug people come up to me. If i didnt have Daddy i would probably be kidnapped if not killed.

On another note, i have a lot of things on my mind. The uncle i live with is being a butt hole once again. Dont think he will have the money to pay for the electric bill, so the electric may go out, since we have to pay, payment installments, so if im not on, its because of that. Im hoping he will just get his sister to pay it and just be done with it. All i know, is when the bill gets down to zero, it will be out of our name, so i dont have to worry about this. And if electric goes out it will be his fault.

Also its been cloudy here lately, and i know for sure i am burnt like hell. Felt my scalp today and its freakin hot to the touch. Face is probably really red. Will put on the aloe lotion and hopefully it will be okay. Since aloe helps calms down my sun burns. But its that time of year when I get burnt just for being out in the sun for about a minute maybe a little longer. Think its all i have to say today.

June 24, 2011

What a day.....

well went out to get food today and afterwards went to Taco Bell. Well we were sitting there and across the room see this couple. I thought at first,"what a lovely couple" but the more i kept looking and something wasnt quite right. I keep looking and then all of a sudden you can feel the tension, the dude is abusive, wanting his gf to hold his hand but she doesnt want to, and he is grabbing it, mind you in public and after that didnt work out, he hits the lights above because he is agitated . There order comes up, and he tries to act nice, like oh ill get it. And he keeps looking around the room and being jealous of everyone in it.
With this memories flood me of what my family use to do. Memories that i wish i could just get rid of and never remember them again. Then another thing hit me, its like just like the movies are about. Doing it in real life, but you think, yea right it never happens. Well it did. Right in front of every one.

Okay the next bit is a bit more funny than what the above statements were. Okay like i said before hand me and Daddy got food. Well we went Wal-Mart and go to the deli section. I see this nice broccoli salad. Daddy and I were thinking the same thing, to get some. Well the lady asked if we wanted to try some before getting it. I said sure why not. So she gave me and Daddy a little bit and i took a bit. First bit it was okay and i swallowed it. Then the next bit i was chewing it, and then it sunk it, oh my gosh it was horrible. It tastes just like cole slaw. Which i despise with a passion. I was trying to be nice and say it was alright but i just couldnt. I made a face and i just couldnt swallow it. The lady was like spit it out, and im like i cant do that. She was like why cant you, and i almost cried, saying its improper of me to do that. I was almost into tears, but she was nice, once she gave me something to spit it out, she gave me three pop corn chicken to get the taste out. Said i didnt want it, and was crying a bit.

I have never in my life have done that. But i just couldnt keep it in anymore. I really hate cole slaw and other things but most times i can just say its alright and swallow it without tasting it but not that. I was and still am upset at myself for making a scene like that. Memories kinda flooded me, when my mother trained me not to spit food out in public. It was very rude to do that, and if we did that we would get punished really bad for it. So doing that there, kinda made all those memories pop up.I know my face was red and people where looking at me weird but what could i do. Just get the food as possible and buy the food. I also felt like i let Daddy down for making a scene like that. It was like i was a child all over again and that i was going to get into trouble. Hopefully the memories will die down and i can calm down a bit. These past few weeks have been testing me to the very core lol

June 23, 2011

Dream i had last night....

*This is a Sci-fi dream that i had before waking up, this morning.*

Up in this air world, in this tavern like place. I got a job as a waitress but i didnt know my other job was being a warriorer. First day on the job, I had to kill off two harpy/pterodactyl creatures and the only way to kill them was by putting a oak like stake in them. But you can let them bite you or get their blood into your veins, or you will turn sorta like them. Then they let me just eat something and relax till the next day. Next day, went to work, and the boss wanted me and another warriorer who has been there for a long time to try and kill some of the harpy/pterodactyl birds with fire crackers. I hit one of them on the beak and they were trying to come through the window, but no one else hit them. Then it was weird, no one was there for a moment, except the one warriorer, and this weird flying whale comes by and throws these papers at us. I scramble to get them, and read it. It was like a ransom thing. Had to do three things in so many minutes or the whole world would get it. I didnt know what it meant at first but then i started reading it thoroughly and it had some things high lighted. We scurry to get the note that i threw away last night, and finally we found it, and read it as well, had the clues we needed. We had done the first two without noticing it, and needed someone to win a contest for the third. We go back to find my sis and the boss but when we came back we see these evil people, They had these weird powers when not used are car dice, but when you use them turns into a slingshot, and when you shoot them, they spray, just like water in slow motion, and usues different powers with each and different colors. After We hit him a couple of times and he was done for a bit, we ran to get to the contest. But the floors at points were booby trap and you would fall down to no where, So you had to figure out where to go while running. After getting through that maze and almost falling a couple of times, we get to the contest, but the evil guy got there first and was messing it up. Then i woke up from this weird dream and that was about it.

*Not sure why i had this dream. All i can think of, is that Daddy was talking about this air world with birds and fish, and then this came to be.*

June 21, 2011

What an adventurous day me and Daddy had...

Well title says it all. Me and Daddy went out to get food for the rest of the week, and oh my gosh it was freaking crazy. I will tell you how bad Butte just is. Okay walking to Hennessy's Market, about where the fire department is at, this lady and guy were standing up against the wall. I looked before we kept going and thought okay this isnt a good idea. Well walked pass them, and sure enough it was a bad idea to keep going ahead. The lady comes up to me and Daddy and says hey can i give you guys a hug, and comes up to me, passes Daddy and wanted a hug from me. She touches my arm lightly, and very creepy, and i said sorry but no. She was going to cry but she was on something and i dont deal with people like that. When she touched my arm, i jerked it away, sorry just how i am. She had pot and something else to make her not all there, and her perfume was just awful. I ran as fast as i could, and she says something about the fire department, and W/we just kept going. Kept walking and just memories just washed over me. Of all the horrible stuff i went through all because of the creepy touch. It took me about another hour to kinda calm my mind down and not throw up.

I also forgot to mention, before passing the lady and the pimp, we have to walk on the sidewalk that has a lot of pretty trees. Well W/we stopped for a few, since its all uphill, and get to this one tree, and Daddy pointed out this huge ball of dark brown ball. I thought it was part of the tree, but when i put my face really close to it, it was Caterpillars.I have never seen them do that before. It was a huge massive ball, and when i got close to them they did this weird movement, sideways kinda of movement, think they were trying to scare the prey away. But i thought it was so awesome to see that. Wish i had a camera or i would take a pic of it. Im use to butterflies laying the eggs in the trees and then make this weird spider like web, where they are born. But this, they were about an inch long, and all huddled together. I thought it was pretty neat to see that.

Okay next thing that happened, got the food finally, Woo hoo.. and was coming back home. Of course my hip went out and i had to limp all the way home. Daddy said lets just relax in the park, since we have one close by, i was like, sure, since we havent done that in a while. It was all nice and calming till this weird dude comes to the park. Daddy was looking all weird, and says low, a guy was coming up to you, but i really thought he was messing around. Sure enough i turned around and the guy was walking back, since Daddy gave him a mean glare and he went the other way. He was very creepy, and then i see him just walking all around the park. Like circling me and waiting for Daddy to leave, finally W/we had enough of that, and got up to leave. But i pulled out the house key and my taser so if he even tried to do anything funny, would zap his ass.

For people who live here and say this neighborhood is so great, read this and come back to me. Seriously cant even go outside without any creeps, pot heads and weirdos come up to you and do whatever they like. If I did what Daddy wanted me to do earlier in the week, i would of been hurt. Glad i am defiant in ways.... But now im back at home, with my hip killing me. Better to have a hurt hip than anything else.

June 18, 2011

Roses and Flame Song by my Daddy/fiancee

*This song is dedicated to me for O/our Anniversary coming up in a few months*

My heart beats only for you
it beats for the pains of just us two
two beats for every drop of rain
counted by the angels, numbered and named

Every name, a forgotten song
weathers untamed, daylight's long gone
and the moonlight, makes your eyes like roses
two tangling, white flames
matching our poise and poses

What's in a kiss
between me and you
like starlight bliss
wishes only for you
and the world is shut off
shut off, for just us two

And the tap-dancing beats
of our feet caught up on music sheets
pulsates down the streets
all caught up in urban blue

Silhouettes and shadows
upon the theater of our love
reflections of two hearts, dancing above

Between street lights and starlight
and everything that's gone wrong
when we are together
we dream 'til dawn

Dark and alluring
a demon upon the ground
glaring and purring
in the darkness I can drown
this forbidden pleasure
romanced by my lover's bound

Stealing away the secrets of my voice
my love always choosing the same choice
and we just dance along
different scenery, but just the same, we belong

We belong from the beginning to the end
from the first moment of perfection, to the eternal depths of sin
and our love is, one of the same
a contrast of, roses and flame

And I'll forgive her, to the depths of my soul
through hardships and, the beauty we grow
imperfections alike, eyes tuned to the same light
quantumly entangled, roses of the night

*This makes me cry so much, knowing how much W/we have gone through and what W/we will go through and that he loves me no matter what. *

June 15, 2011

Book Review

Well what i put in the title will be sorta a book review and a little rant, because i feel like writing and so i decide to do this. Okay i guess lets start with, hm, the book review....

Okay, I just got done reading the fifth book in the Black Jewel trilogy. If you dont know what the Black Jewel trilogy is about then i will summarize it a bit. Okay the main main characters in the book are Jaenelle,Daemon,Surreal,Lucivar Yaslana,Saetan SaDiablo. These five make up most of the books. Telling the story of Jaenelle who is Witch among the Blood. In the very beginning she had been raped and lost in the Twisted Kingdom and her enemies thought she was lost. Yet she is very strong for who she truly is. These four help her become who she is in the story. If it werent for Saetan(adopted father) and Daemon(her Consort) She would of been destoryed completely. There is more than three books in the trilogy but it builds up the characters so much more. The first three books are about Janelle overcoming most of her past, dealing with present things and trying to keep herself sane for her future life. Then the fourth book kinda reroutes and goes to the point of who she truly is. Kinda a back story of what or who she is. She is called Witch, a prophet from the Dreamers who made it come to flesh. Hence the title of that book. The one i just got finished is called Tangled Webs.

It is by far the best book i have read since this series has come out. I really love all the books, but Surreal is one of my favorite character besides Jaenelle and Daemon. It tells her story a little more of how she gets tangled into a web, made by some evil people who wants to kill the SaDiablo family. It is about a Jaenell making a haunted house to entertain both landen and Blood alike, but it becomes much more than just a harmless house. A known writer is half-blood which he takes out his anger on the SaDiablo clan and to get back at all of the Blood that has ruined his life. And from there it untangles the story so magically.

And i will say this, oh my gosh, it was really good. I have to say its a bit darker than her other books but i think it went really well with the plot and kinda goes deeper into characters. Like for instant, she puts more of Surreal in, which is one of my favorite characters and i felt like she really didnt have a part in the other books. So im glad she got her own book and how she felt through it. I have to say, i screamed about three to four times, since it was actually scary and more than ten times did i have to go do something else to get my mind and body to relax. Very much a huge thriller book, and i must say, it is very rare for me to get jittery in a book and get so swept up in it, that i dream about the book.
I dreamt about this book a couple of nights and it was hard to get any sleep while reading this book. Once i like a book, my mind gets into a mode where i want to find out what is going to happen next and i will become jittery till i finish the book. I was like that through out this book and i will recommend this book to anyone who loves to read dark books.

June 9, 2011

Slaves Prayer.. that i just found..

The Slaves Prayer

Allow me the
strength too answer questions I can't fathom...
Allow me the spirit to know his needs
Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts
Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace..
Allow me the love to show Him in peace...
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him...
Allow me the light to show us the way...
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him...
Let me be able to show Him each day my love by my service to Him...
Let me open myself up to completely belong to him...
Let my eyes show Him each day my love by my service to Him...
Let me open myself up to completely belong to him...
Let my eyes show Him the same respect, rather I sit at his side, or kneel at his feet...
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman...
Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself...
Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely...
Give me the strength to please us both...
Permit me to love myself, in loving Him..
Allow me the peace of serving Him.
For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make his life complete, as he makes mine.

*found a Slaves prayer, which i think is pretty good to go by.


Slaves Rights...

The Submissives Rights

i have the right to set limits, and expect them to be respected.

i have the right to trust, providing I have earned it.

i have the right to expect You to believe I am an intelligent, caring and loyal person.

i have the right to ask for Your attention, without having to misbehave to get it.

i have the right to expect You to administer Your punishment on me with care and caution.

i have the right to question your motives, should You deny my requests, as long as I do so with the proper respect.

i have the right to speak up if I feel O/our relationship is not giving me what I need.

i have the right to tell You what I need in a respectful manner.

i have the right to expect You to understand my reasons for doing so, and the right to expect You to listen with an open mind and heart.

i have the right to walk away from our relationship if W/we cannot come to a common ground on these issues.

i have the right to expect tenderness, love and understanding after a scene is completed, should it be what I desire.

i have the right to ask You for that tenderness if I've had a bad day, or if I just feel the need for closeness.

I understand that there will be times when You and I will disagree about this ~when You will want a scene and I will not.

i have the right to voice my opinion, and expect You to listen to and consider my reasoning,

I expect You to have final word, but i expect You to wholeheartedly consider my feelings, whatever they may happen to be.

i have the right to expect You to understand that deep trust often breeds love, and i expect You not to repel me if i tell You that i love You. For my Master i will love You, should O/our relationship move ahead, should O/our trust continue to grow.

i have the right to expect You to tell me, at any point, if You do not feel You can return those feelings, so that i may decide what i want and need, For it is Your pleasure that adds to my own, and makes it real, And mine, that adds to Yours!

*What we are expected to do as Slaves in the lifestyle.http://shogun_lord.tripod.com/screed.html*

Submissive Creed I uphold with Honor....

bul2.gif (1654 bytes)The Submissives Creedbul2.gif (1654 bytes)

I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience.

I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.

I will not try to manipulate my Master.

I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should.

I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits.

I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires.

I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused,

I know that submissive does not equal "doormat".

I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives,

I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been,

I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.

I will be responsive to my Master,

I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority,

I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.

I will never think myself a "better" submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another.

I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub.

I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way,

I will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.

Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor,

I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or subhuman.

I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.

*The ones i put in bold and italic are the ones i keep most of all, but this creed is what i uphold and honor my Master.http://shogun_lord.tripod.com/screed.html*

This month isnt going to well.

Well as it is stated in the title.. this month and last have been very rough. It has been one thing after another in my D/s relationship with Daddy, regular household problems and etc. So where do i begin. Oh yea lets see, last month..... hm well it started with just having problems with Daddy, him being grumpy with me, cant please him at all.. so the emotions passed over to me and i started getting testy as well. Got into a few fights but we sorted that out. Which ended with me getting punished :D.

W/we tried new punishments this month and it was pretty interesting. W/we did a bit more bondage this time, and i kinda liked it. In the beginning of O/our relationship, i hated being bound up. For personal reasons that i just couldn't pass at that time. Sometimes it was fun for him to try to tie me up and i get out of it, but when He would tie me pretty well and i cant get out, i would start to freak out. But since it has been about four years now, i have passed a lot through the bad stages in my life and growing a lot in the D/s relationship. So last month and this one, W/we tried it again, and i liked the feeling of being helpless and he can do whatever he wants with me. Also I know W/we are getting into more of the water torture stuff. Like choking in the water, and etc.. It makes you feel completely helpless and that is what i love in the lifestyle. Feeling so helpless and that the Dominant can do whatever they want to you. It is pure bliss. :D
Also, I'm getting a little more rewards, here and there. Which helps out the D/s relationship and also that i wont break down completely anymore. You may think, well she is just spoiled for wanting rewards, but it has to mutual in the lifestyle. If you keep giving and giving and nothing is being received on the other end, it makes the relationship tense, and makes you, well i know me, completely snippy. Plus it makes you think, why am i in this D/s relationship, if im not going to get anything out of it... instead of being just in a normal lifestyle.

I will tell you this. A D/s relationship is just as hard, if not a bit harder kind of relationship. Since there is different things to do in it, but if nothing is going right, and there has to be mutual benefits, love,trust,honesty,loyal and etc. Almost like a "Vanilla" relationship, but more loyalty, more honesty, and a lot more trust. And it will become enduring, which most people do not understand. I have had a lot of people ask me in an odd way, why is it enduring. Well its kinda easy to see it. If you can not please your Master/Mistress then you become really upset, and you think, what did i do wrong, what didn't i do to please them and etc. So that kinda interrupts your chores and duties. And it will just snowball into a huge thing. And in the end it will come out to you having to take a punishment from them. So it is very hard, trying to balance things in the relationship.
Then it was with the electric bill.. saying it was going to get shut off and didnt know what to do. Get were just on threads last month with emotions running high in both the D/s and regular life. Then, it was the fishy that died. W/we had to take care of the fish, and W/we tried O/our hardest, but he died no matter what. I needed comfort, since i dont like anything dying. That took a couple of days to get through. Then it switched to Daddy's SSI. Oh my gosh that was a hassle in itself. Just getting the run around and just not doing their job. W/we sorta fought with that. But it is draining us slowly. Been fighting with SSI for about a year now and getting no where. Still dont think its going to help U/us anyways.

Then this month... was starting out pretty good...W/we finally made a payment arrangement on the electric bill, two days before it being cut off lol.. W/we had some really big decisions with that. Sorta strained the relationship a bit, but we got that sorted out. And getting SSI to look at the new onset date.which at one time and point, i was so mad at the agents that i literally cussed them out. They got snippy with me, and Daddy snapped at me to hush it. I so wanted to yell back at them. Just very rude people who deal with SSI. If you ever get disabled, just deal with it. In the long run, it will help, because the SSI and SSDI.. dont do shit about it. All and all, I hope this month will go a bit smoother than it has.

On the bright side, with the D/s relationship. I tried being Domme for a day. It was really weird for me. It was alright, but i just cant see myself as a Domme 24/7. Reason it is weird is that for one, I'm use to being the slave 24/7 and Daddy being the Dom. So being a Domme for the day was really weird. I mean it was alright but i can only do it for maybe just a day and that's it. Also it was weird is that Daddy was actually doing what i said.. It was a nice change in our lifestyle but i love being able to please him and to push his buttons.

I have always thought of myself as sorta a switch in the lifestyle. But i have tried both sides and im mostly a slave. Sure sometimes my Domme side comes out, but that is how "we" slaves work. We defend ourselves by bringing out our Domme/Dom side so fake Doms/Dommes cant tell us what to really do. Now i know what you are thinking. Slave means they fully do what the Dominant wants. That is true, but to the only ones they are loyal, committed too. But we arnt or will not be walked on. Respect goes both ways in the "Vanilla" and the lifestyle. Respect and politeness have to be earned, not taken.

I have been told numerous times that im not a real slave and that im just acting like its a game. Well i hate to say it, but they are smoking something. These fake Doms/Dommes just think they can own me, when im already owned. They just want to take whatever they want and not even try to talk to the slave or Dom that owns them. All this does is make me become a Bitch. I hate when they say, well why are you here if you are already owned. (In wire club) and i have to sigh and say look at profile and then come back to me. Still they are so stupid that they keep asking it. And i just click out. If you know i have a Dom and i cant and will not cyber, why talk to me? Or why im here.. there is only one other logical idea of why im in those kind of rooms.If you cant figure that out, then you have no right to talk to me.

Sure, as you read this, you are thinking, damn she is a true Bitch. Well once you have been in the lifestyle for about four years and for about two if not more years people are just trying to take what they want, you will become a Bitch as well. And defend yourself and your Dom at any cost. When people step over the boundaries and will not listen to what you have said about your rules, of what you can and can not do, then it is your duty, to leave or chew them out. If you dont, then you are not being a loyal slave to your Master at all.
I know most of you will try to protest this part of the blog. Dont have too, i can already see what you are going to ask. But if the Master or Mistress says its okay to find another Dom or Domme to play with, then why are you saying I'm not being loyal to them. That isnt what im pointing out. If your Master or Mistress wants you to find another Dom or Domme to play with then that is fine. You have sole permission from them to find someone for a day or however long to play with. What im talking about is for the ones who have put boundaries on not finding a Dom or Domme to play with and they do that behind their backs or dont try to defend their Masters/Mistresses.

I guess this is the end of my little rant for this part of the blog. Have a good day. Ashpea