About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

June 30, 2011

Another Rant/ramble from me....

Okay today i have a big rant i need to get out of me. Lets go with yesterday's little outbursts i had. I was very upset with Daddy for what he did, talking to other Dommes. Which he said he wouldn't do. I got very emotional but i think its because i kept a lot of things in me. And i just let them build up so much that i just explode on a simple little thing. I had a big break down from just a lot of stress things going on and etc. To the point i came close to cutting again. But i knew that would hurt Daddy a lot and break O/our trust. I still keep hearing the voices, but this time last night it was calling my name and said something else, but in a woman's voice, and really soft. I heard it a couple of times. This is nerve wracking.

This is bringing up some really bad memories and of course feelings. I'm not sure what i can do at this point. I have no money to go in and just "talk" to a counselor and etc. I think that is why i had a break down is holding in my feelings towards this. Its really bothering me. Coming more so now than they ever did and I'm not sure why. Maybe a memory wants to come and pop its ugly unnoticeable little head up and say hi i think its time you remember me. I have enough memories to go through, enough feelings to sort through, than to deal with this one. Am i ready to deal with another problem in my life? Or should i say past? I don't feel like I'm ready, don't feel like i am capable of dealing with this memory. I feel like if this one comes up, i don't know, feels like it is worse than any of the others that have popped back into my life. Feel like i will let out my darker self and let her play for a bit and really don't want that. Why i have so many restrictions inside myself, so many nos and boundaries of what is good and what is hers.

Its like i have me and then have her. I know i sound crazy but its how i feel. And when a new memory pops up, this is her time to escape her little cage and play for a bit. I always dread this. Not sure how could cope with it, how Daddy will cope with it. I just don't like showing people who i am because I'm afraid that i will be abandoned once again. Which i have numerous times. And I'm always afraid that i will loose the only one i love so dear to me. Afraid that he leaves or what not if i can even be sane. He is the only one that has kept me sane, other than God. I just don't think i can face it again. Probably why i break down so much. And this is the only thing that keeps me semi sane when I'm in a break down mode.

I also noticed that lately I've been dreaming pretty crazy dreams. IF it isn't black outs, where i don't remember my dreams and its just pitch black, but wake up in a cold sweat and know that i did dream about something, probably the memory that wants to come up. Or i have really insane sci fi/fantasy ones. And that is what I'm getting now. Except for last night. I wake up and I'm in a strange mood all day afterwards. Not sure why i am like that. But I'm feeling really weird today and i cant really pin point why i feel so out of place. Like i forgot something but i know i didn't. It has been one of those days, and I've been forgetting a lot of things and also i have been checking my body out, and I'm getting scratches and bruises again and i haven't done anything to create them. I always get them during my black outs. I think its because i move a lot from that memory or what not and i tend to hurt myself and never know it, since in those black outs i sleep pretty deep.

But hm I know I'm rambling a lot, but this is what I'm feeling and thinking at the moment. Okay on the brighter and cheerful things.... W/we got some extra money, from Daddy's mom. Wasn't expecting money at all. But W/we got it. Will be getting Daddy's medicine but also we have a little spending money. I got some new books. Yay. I'm so happy. I love to read and finally got a few more books. I got Terry Goodkind, three books of his and another one is a Victorian era one. I have heard good things about Terry Goodkind books and now I'm going to see if it is truly good.

I'm really pleased to get some books. Been looking for some sci fi books to read and i came across his, which i helped with Cancer as well. Books were only a dollar so i helped with four buck towards cancer research. I always love doing that, since my family has almost all kinds of cancer running through it and it is one of the hardest diseases to help cure. But I'm kinda getting tired of the known books that I'm into. Its like music with me. It gets old after so many times and this is it for the books. I haven't read a good sci fi book for a long while and I'm crossing my fingers that i found one to my liking. I will blog later, with reviews and updates with my progress on it. To show what think about the book and what i found interesting in it.

Okay think I'm done rambling now. Until next time.....

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