About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

August 27, 2011

Thoughts on my mind.....

Okay, well today i was just minding my own business and talking to Daddy. I had a guy pm me and asking me a lot of stupid questions. Like if i liked being a slave and such. I knew the guy didn't read my profile, or else he wouldn't of asked all those dumb questions. Then it came to be a bit awkward. He said that he was put off that i was engaged. And of course, i was like, what the hell are you talking about.

He finally gets the nerve to say, that once he chats with me, he wants to fantasize about me. I just told him, I'm not here for this. I'm here looking for friends and he can go somewhere else. I'm sorry, but i am NO ONE'S property. I am not someone stupid blow up doll, to be used, or to be fantasied by others.

If you want to fantasize about something, go to a porn site or something. Because this girl, is not going to do that. I am here to find friends, for me and Daddy and to just chat with others. Nothing else. So, if you are going to try and hit me up,or for other reasons than friends, then i advise you to go somewhere else.

I'm not in the mood to be playing these dumb games on Wire club. I posted in my profile, what i am looking for, and most of the people here are just children. So, stay away, if you cant read a damn profile, or anything else, that doesn't have anything to do with friends.

Okay, i said my peace....Until next time....

August 20, 2011

Birthday Post.... i know a little late...

Okay, i know this is a really late reply. But as you all know i celebrated my 23rd birthday on friday. And the reason why im late, is because there is a lot of things going on, right now.

I had a very nice birthday. Got a new cross stitching and a religious bracelet. Also baked my birthday cake, which i had a strawberry cake with cherry frosting. Which is very good, by the way.

But, the things that are going on right now in my life is my Daddy. He has been having a lot of emotional breakdowns. I have been there for Him and i will be doing so. It is why i havent made a post in a while. But also, i didnt have anything really to say.

I see today, that my stupid family is looking me up still. I just dont understand why they still want to do this. I made my peace, so leave me be. Sure, i may make them really mad,but they can kiss my ass. (People who know me, why i say this.)

But, I have been strong for Daddy all this month, and at points i have been stressed. I've been picking pretty bad, but its my way of getting the worries out. I just hope soon enough they will go away, and we will be closer than ever.

But, this is all i have to say for now.. until then

August 2, 2011

thinking on things.....

You know it is sad that your family calls the cops because you don't talk to them or for some things that were out of context. I got a lovely wake up call today-police at my door at 9 something am, because my family had called the cops all because a stinking spy told them something way out of context on face-book. It really made me upset. Yes i have problems, and they were pretty bad i guess, but it was nothing like the abuse or the rapes, I've gone through. I just put down at the time what my thoughts were, and this what happens.
My family did it not out of love or cared about their daughter, no they did it for mind games. They want me back, so they can start the mind games back up, and the name calling and etc of what they have done since i was a child. I have had enough of that, I'm an adult, not a child, and that i can make decisions on my own. Yet they don't think this, they just think, I'm so mere puppet they can use for the rest of their lives. Well its not going to happen, and i will not have the cops at my door each and every time they want to talk to me. I gave them their options, they decided, as have i, and that should be it.
I'm just hoping this wont become a habit for them, because all its doing is wasting the cops time and mine as well. I guess that is what is mostly on my mind for now. Wondering what kind of mind games they are going to try and do, since they already brought cops into this, makes me wonder what is next. I usually know their tactics and patterns but this one through me for a loop.

I look sorta back, like today and i can see that i wasn't surprise of them doing this, but then again i am surprise because i thought in a million years they wouldn't do this, and yet they did. I will have to keep my guard up from now on, and that at any time, they can still get into my life, even miles and miles away. I'm not sure what to do, but all i know, is that God was warning me, trying to tell me put my walls up.
I had these feelings all yesterday night and this morning and yet they came true once again, Can i feel what will come, like bad omens, that is deeply rooted in me? I really don't know, i just wish these bad omens, feelings, whatever you want to call it will stop coming and that i can move on with my life. I have been trying my hardest to make my life different, and i have become a different person in four years, but if this is what is going to happen all my life, knowing that my family is going to try and do these stupid tactics, to get me to talk to them, even we are miles away, i don't want that. I will just have to leave it at that, and move on again, i guess.
Just the only thing i don't understand about my parents is this, if they cared and loved for me so much, why are they doing this? If they loved me, they would try and work things out like grown ups, and now do mental abuse and whatever else they do best. If they loved me, they wouldn't of pushed me out of the house, beat me each and every day for minor things. If they loved me, why did they abandoned me at a young age? Was never there for me, and when they were it was to control my every waking thought. So why do they want me back so much? That is the true question, is their lives so horrible that they need to belittle me even more to make their pathetic lives better?

The more i write this stuff down, the more memories come up, thinking why did they act so different towards my sister. They never treated us the same. I was abused while she was the princess. I had problems in school, she had it easy. Why did God make her life better than mine? Is it because He already have something special for me? All i know is that, if my family, my parents truly loved me, they wouldn't be like this. And i will never let my children(When i have them), never know my parents or family. It sorta makes me sad, deleting family out, and trying to make a new one.
I guess i have always yearned for a family that has truly cared for my well being, care and cherish my thoughts,and me as a whole,and not be the family that i was brought up in.

Not sure what to say on this

*Well the things I'm posting right now are from Wire club that i have deleted my accounts from. And i didn't post these blog posts on here. So I'm finally putting them up.*

Well you know what the headline says, this is going to be a rant i guess. I need to do something, because this is ridiculous. I have a lot of things on my mind. Like why does things have to get really bad, before something good comes along?
Its been like this: Two weeks ago, in order if i can remember it right.
1. Fiance's uncle wanting his sisters dogs to come here- Not one or two, but six dogs, count that six dogs. Fiancee is allergic to the hair, and I'm looking back I'm allergic to it as well. All and all,, the outcome of that, uncle wants me to take care of them. Not my responsibility and never will be, since hello they arnt my dogs. He gets all upset and throws a huge tantrum about that, and makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. End of that, tried going somewhere for the night.... guess what happens the next day.
2. Parents call the cops. Yup you hear that, my parents want to get into my business now, after seven long months of not talking to them. Yup somehow i have a spy on facebook or something because i get the cops right at my doorstep. Concern about my well being, um okay if family was so caring, why don't they try to rekindle a relationship with their daughter? Oh you know why, um because they are abusive, and want to control me forever, and act like I'm a child. Okay. That made me edgy for about a good week. Trying to pry back into my life, like they are so concern about me. What a joke. Then the following days and week.....
3. Sussie, a family friend is going to move in with us. I have no clue who she is and how she is. Yet here we go again, wanting strangers in the "house". This isn't home at all, and yet I'm suppose to keep my mouth shut, since i don't have a job and what not and should be grateful that i have a roof over my head. Yea i would if the help was sincere but it Isnt. Its just one hell after another. What am i suppose to do about this? I pray over and over and the thing i get is calmness. That is the only good thing about this. Lets see the last two people in the last two years are like this, Jen, lived with us, a crazy person, bipolar by far, and that didn't last, when our electric went out, because the uncle didn't pay it. Then we had pot smokers in the house. Yup, smokers, which screwed with our health, and they stayed for two days, you want to know why? Because this place fucking sucks, and they cant get their pot. So they went back. So yup, i wonder how long this lady will stay. Uncle thinks it will be forever, since he thinks the girl has a crush on him.(Rolls eyes) and that they will get married, okay delusional world 101.
4. Getting pets and pets and pets, that we cant even have or handle. he is like a big child. He keeps getting all these pets, but he doesn't take care of them. Its just a phase for him. Heck i will name all the animals he has had since I've been here. Ready, 1. Cocktails- he doesn't take care of those, doesn't change their litter or cage, and the one bird is bald and hurting her pretty bad. Doesn't do nothing on that.
2. Bunny- had bunny for about six months to a year, he got fed up with that and left him in his cage to rot basically. We had to take care of him, and in the end, he died a horrible death. Maggots ate him. He didn't do nothing about it. Just put him in a bag and threw him away. What a horrible thing to do and it didn't even phase him.
3. Fishes- he has six tanks, you heard him,six tanks. His one huge tank, got tired of those within a year, and almost let the goldfish died. I had to take it out and kept her alive. He just wanted her dead. But since he has his prized fishes, piranhas and that will last probably another year. Like today, i had to kill a fish, so he wouldn't suffer,by being eaten alive. That hurt me quite a bit. Having to see a third pet in the three years here, and each time it hurts more.
4. Tally, our cat, had her for a while, in the house, yeah she sorta screwed us up, but we loved her. He got tired of taking care of her, so we had to take care of her once again. Why is it, that each time he gives up on the phases, that we, as in me and fiancee have to take care of his stuff. She was suffering for two days, before she died. Guess what the uncle did, nothing, stayed in his room and did what he usually did. While fiancee, was calling every dang vet out there to take care of her, and me trying to make her comfortable. All and all in the end, she died. I had to take care of her, i had to put her in the box and to basically bury her. That took a lot out of me, and i haven't really been the same after that. That didn't even phase the uncle either. Makes me wonder what will phase him.
5. He doesn't even pay nothing on the house. For a year and a half, me and fiancee took this house on, ourselves. We used his worker comp money to pay off the back rent and everything to this house. Do we get any recognition to this? No we do not. In this "house" it is dictatorship. If it isn't the uncles doing, then he throws tantrum. Why? Because he is a baby, He is suppose to be a fifty year old man, grown and know how to take care of a household, but you know what i see. A child, trying to be an adult and cant survive at all. Yet we get called a bum and what not, because we don't bring any money now. So we have no say so in the fact.

What I'm trying to point out, i guess, is this. How can someone who says God will punish their enemies, yet they are an enemy themselves? So does that make them think they are exempt from being Judge or what? Because the uncle thinks he is Mr. Perfect here and hasn't harmed anyone, when all the stuff i have mentioned above is what the uncle has done in the past three years and maybe more. So why does this stuff have to happen? The only thing i can think of, is that he is being passive aggressive and wanting us out of the house. I would move out if i could, but how can i, when no money is coming into the household. I just hate when people help people out, because in the end they will get something back. They don't do it because they truly want to help. That's what makes me mad. Is that they love seeing people get hurt, yet they don't care about it at all. Why does this have to happen?
Why do they call themselves a Christian when they are more evil than good? This I'm not sure, but I'm pretty much tired of the stuff going on. I pretty much mad today, because in my heart i had to pick between two evils. Letting the fish get eaten alive or kill him instead, so he wouldn't hurt. I picked, killing him and that is sitting pretty much on my heart, but the uncle is sleeping sound? Why because this person has no heart, no soul of any kind. And that scares me most of all. What will happen next, if things get way out of control. Will he hurt us, and say oh i was just mad and then went black, i don't remember anything.

All i do know is this, we need to get out of this house. This isn't a home for anyone, and i hope and pray that we can get out as soon as we can. This is too much to bear. It is getting to be like my parents place. All the memories of being beaten and the names, brings it all back. I want out and yet here i am stuck, but inside I'm still calm. So is God helping right now? Telling me everything will be okay? I hope so, and I'm trying my hardest to hold onto that.
Just have too much on my mind, to handle with all this, but the thing that comes back to me is this. God gives you as much as you can handle, but sometimes the devil comes in and weights you down more, till you break and come to his side. You have to stick to your faith, and that God is there, helping you when you really need it, and that he is always by your side. That is what is getting me through the thick of it.
Okay i guess I'm done ranting now. Ashpea

Writing a memoir...but just a tidbit of what it is so far.....

*It is still in rough draft and not finished, but just a tidbit of what it is and what I have gone through in my life. I still have a lot, and i mean a lot to write down, but thought you guys would enjoy a bit of it..*

So many thoughts are whirling around in my head at the moment. It goes from memories as a child, to the fight inside of me. I'm not sure what i am suppose to do with all these thoughts with all the recollection going on inside.

I try to hold it all in, i try fooling myself that everything is okay, when things are crushing around me. Does that make me delusional or is that just normal for people to do that in order to stay sane? I know my mind's eye is keyed up tonight. I know that deep inside my darkness has been awakened and I'm a bit scared of it.

I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. Am i suppose to let it do what it wants, take control,that she wants? Or,do i be my submissive part and hold her back. Hold,smother her, so she wont come out? It's so hard to do the right thing, and it's also hard,holding back the darkness within that i have held for so long. Its just that the hold that grasp gets so tired that i feel like or think that its time to let go, time to let her out. Maybe she wont be that bad, but i think in my heart,she is too evil,and why i have locked her up completely inside..because of that factor and i don't want that.

Then my other part comes out,my memories of my childhood. It came up today,which gosh i wish never came up today, those chilling memories bringing up old feelings,bringing up things i have smothered for so long. My memories jump from one thing to another, and I'm wondering that these memories are coming up because of the dreams i am having lately,or something else is going on,that I'm not sure about.

I think deep down inside of me,i am having my blocked memories wanting to pop up. Why i am hearing things,having nightmares again,exhausted and etc. I'm scared which block memory wants to come open,scared how I'm going to react to it,how Daddy is going to react to it. I think that's what is scaring me so much lately. That if it comes up,will Daddy be able to handle me? W/we have gone through so much, and this would add more to the plate. I do know he loves me, i do know that He will always be there for me,but you know how it is,you don't want to burden your loved one with things when there is already things to worry about. Its like that,i push the stuff back,because for one,i don't want to deal with it. That is who i am,when feelings,when memories come up, I just want to pick,and be done of it that way,instead of talking about what is going through my head. Also,i don't want to add anymore problems to O/our life,got enough of it,as it is.

But,maybe this is how i deal with it all. Just being pensive so much that to deal with all my emotions it comes back to being punished or picking. Its that fight within that comes to full circle again,and its like,how do you deal with it? How can you make it stop,just for one minute to collect your thoughts your emotions to feel whole once again.

Yet,here i am again,going right back to my old memories. That trap feeling,that feeling that never goes away. That feeling that you want to scream your lungs out,but no one hears your agony,no one hears your voice at all and you just feel dead inside. All emotions are wiped completely from you. And what is left is memories,rotten horrible memories wash up out of no where and takes control of who you are.

I guess, the memories that are popping up are these. Memories that flip back and forth, are
about hm i say quite old. One,I'm about 13 or so and sis is about ten. Dad comes home from work and he is pretty upset,that someone has pushed the screen in,on the t.v. He comes to me and my sis and says okay who did it.. and we knew who did it but we didn't say anything about it. That is the only time, i say we kept our mouth shut and didn't get each other into trouble. Dad didn't like that at all,and goes for the belt. Already shaking,knowing what is coming and we stand there,just waiting for it to come.Dad comes back and asks in a stern voice who pushed the screen in,on the TV.Silence,i get the first whipping,and he says it again,nothing, and sis gets the second. I would say this goes on for about an hour. Going back and forth on both of us, and asking the same question. Sore,and bawling our eyes out, my mother finally steps in. Saying,John,stop it, they had enough,but Dad didn't want to hear that. Mom had to take the belt away from him and made us to go our room.

This, i have to say keeps coming up, maybe its because of the shock value to it.Also the
curiosity of why my mother stepped in,why she actually said stop after an hour of it going on. All the while watching us,getting hit. I know when this memory comes up, i can still feel the marks on my behind,couldn't even sit for a week. And when my sis finally confess she did it, she gets punished a bit more. I think that is another thing i find surprising. All my life, my sis has been beaten just as equal as i have. And that isn't really saying a lot, since i was abused quite a bit. That question pops up in my mind as well,that Dad got so mad that the actually beat her as well. And that we never told who did
it,while we were being hit. I think this holds so much in me, maybe because that is my Domme and slave part right there. I was so steadfast in what i believed that i took all the beatings and then some.

The next memory that keeps coming up, is almost my last beating before leaving for good. At 18 and still being hit, not even heard as an adult or anything. Mom more so than dad doing the beating here, not liking who I'm with,(Daddy/fiancee). Doesn't want me to leave,wanting
to keep her tight grip on me. Not liking that i had already made my mind up, that i was leaving. Then the day came,i lost my job,and a huge fight broke out first in a whirl pool of that and then it circled around to my bf at the time. I was getting hit left and right, mother screaming in my face,smacking me and calling me a stupid whore. You just want to leave so you can screw him. That is all you are. All you will live up to be, if you go with him. Is that what you want, to be a whore? How can a man take care of you when he is disabled and no job? Then i utter the words,I am his slave in the BDSM lifestyle,i am going to him whether you like it or not. I am not a whore,I'm getting away because you are abusive. I am through being treated like a doll,I'm tired of hurting myself, because you are the ones who are hurting me.Not him. Then i roll up my sleeves, thrusts my arm to mom, this is what you do,not him. That brought on some more hitting more ugly words, and instead of crying and holding back what i have to say, i cuss her out. Yes, i astonished myself,called her a bitch and said I'm through with this. I wasn't thinking of the outcome, wasn't thinking i still needed their help to getting to the airport. At that moment my intent was to hurt her with my words, to get what was bottled up for so long ago, that i needed an outlet and i did. Boy,did that bring on more crazy stuff. My mother crying and saying i ruined her,I'm the one giving her,her bad heart, that she doesn't know what happened to her child. At this
point,i remember mom smacking my face pretty hard and saying get out of my fucking face, i don't want to see you right now. I left, went to my room,locked the door and i bawled,turned my music up, didn't give a shit if was heard by anyone, i talked to Daddy/fiancee tried so hard not to cut, but i did. Just sat there, thinking of what i could do. What should i do, and ten minutes later, i hear my mother coming back into the house,after talking to the neighbor's about me,hitting the doors,hitting my walls, and screaming that bitch needs to leave. Let her leave and if i die its on her hands. Then she just rips my door open,and gets in my face, calling me everything you can think of. Saying you fucking bitch you can go if you want, whore yourself to anyone you want i don't care anymore. I'm through with you. And all the while I'm laughing my head off, I'm sitting there, not knowing who i am. For the first time in my life,i actually laughed of what was going on.

At that moment, i saw who i was becoming, i saw what was flashing through my mind if i lived there for another year, and it wasn't pretty at all. It still sticks with me, i think because it was getting to the end of the abuse, it was so bad, that i thought they would kill me. I was in fear of my life, so much that i was on voice with Daddy the whole two days after that. I kept my door locked, prayed to God that they didn't do it. I was clingy for those two days to Daddy, wondering if they would do it, and when. I remember the next day, i was a zombie, no emotions nothing towards anyone...I packed my bags, got my ticket and told family, the next morning I'm leaving. There was tension,silence that whole night. I also remember that i tried saying good bye to my family.

Don't know how hard i have tried keeping my family together,trying to be someone i wasn't. I tried loving them, and i do at points, but it wasn't a family, it was killing me. Killing me to see it shattered, hard to see my delusion coming down around me and i had no one,in my family who loved me or cared for me. Sure, my grandparents called, uncles,aunts and everyone that my mother got involved called me before i left, trying to dissuade me, going "to the monster". I know my family all to well and i tried my best to say no, as polite as i could.. but i heard the disappointment in their voices.

Now that I think of it, what about me? What about all the disappointments in my life? What about that? What about all the times they had abandoned me, to get high or do what they wanted? I was just nothing to anyone, and apparently i still was.No matter what i did, i was a disappointment. All my accomplishments i did, just went down the tube,when i did something so simple,like spilling tea or whatever.

I think my memories swirl faster than i can even type this. It just goes back and forth to different times in my life. Like one that pops up, that are actually good. I have only had a few that are good, but feels like it was a dream. Feels like it had happen to someone else. I think before i was ripped totally away from me. A time, i could look back and see,ah that was me before this and this..

Memory is about me at two and half years old, remember going in and out of the hospital because i was going to have surgery on my foot. Had to get xrays to see how they could take the extra toe off,yes i was born with six toes on my left foot. Yes, my mother thought i was a freak, and didn't want me to have it. So she decided to do this. I remember two weeks before going into surgery,my Godmother was there. Holding my hand, telling me things will be okay. I was pretty much scared, didn't want to do this.. but she was there by my side. Got the xrays done, and waited for the two weeks to roll around. It did, and i went in, before going into surgery, had to wait in the waiting room.. and for the first time in my life, my father plays with me. I remember the foamy blocks you put together, he sat down next to me, and played with me,crying and at that time i didn't know why he was crying. I thought it was odd for him to do that, odd for my family to show compassion towards me. Family had told me it took about nine hours or so for the surgery.


Where do i begin... today just isn't my day at all. I need to collect my thoughts and hopefully wont be soo stressed out, and my stomach and such wont hurt as well.

I'm in such an ambivalent mood right now. It keeps switching to Domme mode and Submissive mode and Domme keeps winning tonight. I want to take my aggression out, but that wont be the right way to deal with my feelings.

So this is my only other option. Okay, beginning of today, was some what okay. Woke up and just wanted to chat and such.. fine there..

Then it starts progressing. About oh i say about noonish or so, it becomes all dramatic.. having someone keep pushing something that i do not want to do. That brought up a lot of memories,and problems and that wore me out.

I'm still pretty much drained from that. Think i would be done right? Nope, wrong.. and the day still goes on... Still worrying, don't think Daddy's mom will put the money into the bank account, therefore no food. Not sure why that keeps popping up and wanting to stress me a lot.. Keeps popping up for no reason..

One reason why i cant settle down today. Why i had quite a bit of naps in between but still restless as hell. Thought that would be the end of today, so i can at least try to relax and have a some what okay night.

But it gets worse, oh so much worse. The damn uncle gets home tonight and Daddy went down to see if I wanted to eat anything and he smelled something really strong. Now mind you, me nor Daddy can have strong colognes and such... So He investigates it and finds out that the uncle is using a strong soap..Irish springs..

W/we were confused in why it was soo strong, because it really doesn't mess with us.. until Daddy read the box, it had deodorant in it.. why it is soo strong. I'm pretty much pissed because the whole house smells like Irish Springs, and i get a huge migraine instantly..

Daddy talks to his uncle and says well lets get another soap, that doesn't smell and be done with it.. So W/we go to Safe way, and before going in the uncle had the never to say this...(I don't care if it is a brick i will use it, I'm not picky) Um okay, if you weren't picky, then why every time W/we say only this one, he doesn't get it nor use it?

Talking out of both sides of his mouth, is what he is doing.. and mind you, i look like a drunk because that is one of the side effects i have, with smelling something so strong. So I'm glad W/we had a little bit of money and got the dove soap without any scent and said here use this. And you will reimburse us for it, since it was part of O/our food money..

And he doesn't really appreciate it, just mumbles because i know what he is thinking inside his little brain, well damn i cant get any smelly soaps, and I'm stuck with this one. I could do it my way, which is, he can waste his damn money, go through his stuff and throw it away every damn time i see the shit, or do it Daddy's way. Hopefully Daddy's way will work....

Oh oh and to top it all off, I'M FUCKING OUT OF PADS. I mean come on... it made me so mad, thought i had enough for one more month, boy was i wrong.. That kinda sent me over the edge, yea i know, you are thinking,chill its just pads, but its everything that is coming up... just how i am...

Hopefully, soon enough me and Daddy will be out of this hell hole and not have to worry about this stuff. If it isn't the smelly soaps then its animals or someone coming to live with us. I pray that it will all end soon enough..

But on a good note, i finally got my pop back. Yay, went without it for two whole weeks... proud of myself... But it was a reward for not bursting out and cussing his uncle out...

Cookie Monster is here.....

Yup, im a huge Cookie Monster and i tried a new cookie out today... Pumpkin and chocolate chunk cookies and let me tell you, they are reallly good.

The only thing i dont like about the cookie, is that it sticks really bad in your mouth..after one or two cookies, you have to drink something in order to eat a few more.