About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

August 2, 2011

Writing a memoir...but just a tidbit of what it is so far.....

*It is still in rough draft and not finished, but just a tidbit of what it is and what I have gone through in my life. I still have a lot, and i mean a lot to write down, but thought you guys would enjoy a bit of it..*

So many thoughts are whirling around in my head at the moment. It goes from memories as a child, to the fight inside of me. I'm not sure what i am suppose to do with all these thoughts with all the recollection going on inside.

I try to hold it all in, i try fooling myself that everything is okay, when things are crushing around me. Does that make me delusional or is that just normal for people to do that in order to stay sane? I know my mind's eye is keyed up tonight. I know that deep inside my darkness has been awakened and I'm a bit scared of it.

I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do. Am i suppose to let it do what it wants, take control,that she wants? Or,do i be my submissive part and hold her back. Hold,smother her, so she wont come out? It's so hard to do the right thing, and it's also hard,holding back the darkness within that i have held for so long. Its just that the hold that grasp gets so tired that i feel like or think that its time to let go, time to let her out. Maybe she wont be that bad, but i think in my heart,she is too evil,and why i have locked her up completely inside..because of that factor and i don't want that.

Then my other part comes out,my memories of my childhood. It came up today,which gosh i wish never came up today, those chilling memories bringing up old feelings,bringing up things i have smothered for so long. My memories jump from one thing to another, and I'm wondering that these memories are coming up because of the dreams i am having lately,or something else is going on,that I'm not sure about.

I think deep down inside of me,i am having my blocked memories wanting to pop up. Why i am hearing things,having nightmares again,exhausted and etc. I'm scared which block memory wants to come open,scared how I'm going to react to it,how Daddy is going to react to it. I think that's what is scaring me so much lately. That if it comes up,will Daddy be able to handle me? W/we have gone through so much, and this would add more to the plate. I do know he loves me, i do know that He will always be there for me,but you know how it is,you don't want to burden your loved one with things when there is already things to worry about. Its like that,i push the stuff back,because for one,i don't want to deal with it. That is who i am,when feelings,when memories come up, I just want to pick,and be done of it that way,instead of talking about what is going through my head. Also,i don't want to add anymore problems to O/our life,got enough of it,as it is.

But,maybe this is how i deal with it all. Just being pensive so much that to deal with all my emotions it comes back to being punished or picking. Its that fight within that comes to full circle again,and its like,how do you deal with it? How can you make it stop,just for one minute to collect your thoughts your emotions to feel whole once again.

Yet,here i am again,going right back to my old memories. That trap feeling,that feeling that never goes away. That feeling that you want to scream your lungs out,but no one hears your agony,no one hears your voice at all and you just feel dead inside. All emotions are wiped completely from you. And what is left is memories,rotten horrible memories wash up out of no where and takes control of who you are.

I guess, the memories that are popping up are these. Memories that flip back and forth, are
about hm i say quite old. One,I'm about 13 or so and sis is about ten. Dad comes home from work and he is pretty upset,that someone has pushed the screen in,on the t.v. He comes to me and my sis and says okay who did it.. and we knew who did it but we didn't say anything about it. That is the only time, i say we kept our mouth shut and didn't get each other into trouble. Dad didn't like that at all,and goes for the belt. Already shaking,knowing what is coming and we stand there,just waiting for it to come.Dad comes back and asks in a stern voice who pushed the screen in,on the TV.Silence,i get the first whipping,and he says it again,nothing, and sis gets the second. I would say this goes on for about an hour. Going back and forth on both of us, and asking the same question. Sore,and bawling our eyes out, my mother finally steps in. Saying,John,stop it, they had enough,but Dad didn't want to hear that. Mom had to take the belt away from him and made us to go our room.

This, i have to say keeps coming up, maybe its because of the shock value to it.Also the
curiosity of why my mother stepped in,why she actually said stop after an hour of it going on. All the while watching us,getting hit. I know when this memory comes up, i can still feel the marks on my behind,couldn't even sit for a week. And when my sis finally confess she did it, she gets punished a bit more. I think that is another thing i find surprising. All my life, my sis has been beaten just as equal as i have. And that isn't really saying a lot, since i was abused quite a bit. That question pops up in my mind as well,that Dad got so mad that the actually beat her as well. And that we never told who did
it,while we were being hit. I think this holds so much in me, maybe because that is my Domme and slave part right there. I was so steadfast in what i believed that i took all the beatings and then some.

The next memory that keeps coming up, is almost my last beating before leaving for good. At 18 and still being hit, not even heard as an adult or anything. Mom more so than dad doing the beating here, not liking who I'm with,(Daddy/fiancee). Doesn't want me to leave,wanting
to keep her tight grip on me. Not liking that i had already made my mind up, that i was leaving. Then the day came,i lost my job,and a huge fight broke out first in a whirl pool of that and then it circled around to my bf at the time. I was getting hit left and right, mother screaming in my face,smacking me and calling me a stupid whore. You just want to leave so you can screw him. That is all you are. All you will live up to be, if you go with him. Is that what you want, to be a whore? How can a man take care of you when he is disabled and no job? Then i utter the words,I am his slave in the BDSM lifestyle,i am going to him whether you like it or not. I am not a whore,I'm getting away because you are abusive. I am through being treated like a doll,I'm tired of hurting myself, because you are the ones who are hurting me.Not him. Then i roll up my sleeves, thrusts my arm to mom, this is what you do,not him. That brought on some more hitting more ugly words, and instead of crying and holding back what i have to say, i cuss her out. Yes, i astonished myself,called her a bitch and said I'm through with this. I wasn't thinking of the outcome, wasn't thinking i still needed their help to getting to the airport. At that moment my intent was to hurt her with my words, to get what was bottled up for so long ago, that i needed an outlet and i did. Boy,did that bring on more crazy stuff. My mother crying and saying i ruined her,I'm the one giving her,her bad heart, that she doesn't know what happened to her child. At this
point,i remember mom smacking my face pretty hard and saying get out of my fucking face, i don't want to see you right now. I left, went to my room,locked the door and i bawled,turned my music up, didn't give a shit if was heard by anyone, i talked to Daddy/fiancee tried so hard not to cut, but i did. Just sat there, thinking of what i could do. What should i do, and ten minutes later, i hear my mother coming back into the house,after talking to the neighbor's about me,hitting the doors,hitting my walls, and screaming that bitch needs to leave. Let her leave and if i die its on her hands. Then she just rips my door open,and gets in my face, calling me everything you can think of. Saying you fucking bitch you can go if you want, whore yourself to anyone you want i don't care anymore. I'm through with you. And all the while I'm laughing my head off, I'm sitting there, not knowing who i am. For the first time in my life,i actually laughed of what was going on.

At that moment, i saw who i was becoming, i saw what was flashing through my mind if i lived there for another year, and it wasn't pretty at all. It still sticks with me, i think because it was getting to the end of the abuse, it was so bad, that i thought they would kill me. I was in fear of my life, so much that i was on voice with Daddy the whole two days after that. I kept my door locked, prayed to God that they didn't do it. I was clingy for those two days to Daddy, wondering if they would do it, and when. I remember the next day, i was a zombie, no emotions nothing towards anyone...I packed my bags, got my ticket and told family, the next morning I'm leaving. There was tension,silence that whole night. I also remember that i tried saying good bye to my family.

Don't know how hard i have tried keeping my family together,trying to be someone i wasn't. I tried loving them, and i do at points, but it wasn't a family, it was killing me. Killing me to see it shattered, hard to see my delusion coming down around me and i had no one,in my family who loved me or cared for me. Sure, my grandparents called, uncles,aunts and everyone that my mother got involved called me before i left, trying to dissuade me, going "to the monster". I know my family all to well and i tried my best to say no, as polite as i could.. but i heard the disappointment in their voices.

Now that I think of it, what about me? What about all the disappointments in my life? What about that? What about all the times they had abandoned me, to get high or do what they wanted? I was just nothing to anyone, and apparently i still was.No matter what i did, i was a disappointment. All my accomplishments i did, just went down the tube,when i did something so simple,like spilling tea or whatever.

I think my memories swirl faster than i can even type this. It just goes back and forth to different times in my life. Like one that pops up, that are actually good. I have only had a few that are good, but feels like it was a dream. Feels like it had happen to someone else. I think before i was ripped totally away from me. A time, i could look back and see,ah that was me before this and this..

Memory is about me at two and half years old, remember going in and out of the hospital because i was going to have surgery on my foot. Had to get xrays to see how they could take the extra toe off,yes i was born with six toes on my left foot. Yes, my mother thought i was a freak, and didn't want me to have it. So she decided to do this. I remember two weeks before going into surgery,my Godmother was there. Holding my hand, telling me things will be okay. I was pretty much scared, didn't want to do this.. but she was there by my side. Got the xrays done, and waited for the two weeks to roll around. It did, and i went in, before going into surgery, had to wait in the waiting room.. and for the first time in my life, my father plays with me. I remember the foamy blocks you put together, he sat down next to me, and played with me,crying and at that time i didn't know why he was crying. I thought it was odd for him to do that, odd for my family to show compassion towards me. Family had told me it took about nine hours or so for the surgery.

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