About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

September 30, 2011

A little bit of what is going on lately....

well lately there has been a lot going through my mind.I've been trying to get over this stinking wasp sting. I still have it, and it's been three weeks already and it still hurts. Went into the doctors for it, couldn't get a real doctor since mine quit basically, and just got a nurse to see it. I wasted a fucking hour on nothing, but tomorrow i have a doctors appt for a real doctor. Maybe they can see what is wrong with me.

I'm always a damn mess. Also, i have been dealing with a lot of emotions colliding with one another. I feel so betrayed right now, by family. Yes, if you have noticed, i went on another subject. But, i feel so betrayed by my family, feelings and everything.

About two or three days ago, i thought about my grandmother. Since she is the only one in my family, that i really love. And i thought she loved me back (til now). And that i know she is going through chemo again, and i wanted to check up on her. Since I'm disowned from family, i could get in touch with just her.

So, i tried adding her and message her, and i thought that maybe she will talk to me. As you can see, she has ignored both and that really hurts. I really thought that maybe she would hear me out, and see if she wanted to talk to me and what not. But she has abandoned me just like the rest of my family.

And that brought up a lot of memories, brought up my nightmares once again. Been trying to sort through my memories, because with the way i cope with things, i clear all my memories away. Like i try to ignore that they ever happened. And that brings up different things. Like, are all the things my family say lies, because it seems like it.

Like, i find out, that all these years, I've been having allergic reactions to metals. But, i thought since i was a child, that when your arm or so turns green its because you have too much iron in your system. I always thought that, and never researched it. Oh boy, am i mad at my family and more so, really mad at myself for ever believing that bullshit.

It's that kind of thinking that gets to me. Like, its hard to figure out what I'm suppose to believe and then which things my family ever said, were lies. And then that branches to, how am i me, when all of this stuff has happened? It makes me ponder where i get my personality from. makes me wonder if my family is my family. I mean, yes i know they are, but my personality, common sense and everything is sooo different from them. It makes me think, where the hell did i get it from.

My family has always done this to me. Always make me think if I'm really who i am, or if i am someone else. They are the ones, who bring out this other side of me. They always waken up my dark side. When all i want to do is smolder it. And be who i think i am. But when this happens, it always shakes my foundation and belief that i am who i am.

But then those whispering lies come up. My other side, wakes up, And it is so hard to keep that side of me, down. I guess what I'm saying, is that you wont understand what i am saying, unless you have gone or going through this. It feels like i have someone else inside of me. Feels like i have someone who uses this flesh as a puppet.

But, i guess that is part of me, that i still don't understand. My submissive side. It collides so much with the other side in me. It clashes with the hatred, the anguish, the sadness that is built up in me. That wants to seep out and try to take over completely.

It's just so tiring to control that other side. So tiresome to keep that side chained inside your soul. Tiresome to snuff the flames out. At these vital points, i just want to submit to it. Submit to the lies that speak within my heart, just so it will shut up.

These are just a few things that go on. Just a tidbit of what i have to deal with, when these emotions arise. I wanted to write down, what i was thinking, just so, that maybe it will quiet down. Just so, i don't have to deal with these emotions. Guess this is what i have to say, until next time.

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