About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

November 29, 2011

quote, have to be ruthless at times

Sometimes the only way to get through an abusive home, is to be ruthless and always know deep down who you truly are.

Quote, be yourself no matter what life gives you

Sometimes we have to go through life and the hardest lesson of all, is staying true to yourself no matter what. When things become hard and someone tries to knock you down and tell you who you are not, you have to look deep down and know that you know you are yourself and always will be.

What's going on right now..

in O/our hardest times of O/our life
people just walk in and out
with no feelings 
with no heart at all

while those who are in pain
feel coldness from them
feel no sincereness from them

and this is the only refuge some have
and how can this be
when there should be more options open than this

Okay, i was gonna write more on this poem, but a lot of things have been going on. Right now, i sit here, cold and really really exhausted from only a days worth of arguing and such. 

Sigh, where do i begin. Oh, let me back up, about yesterday beserk of a day. It was going good, til the uncle came home. Smelling nothing but cologne.(Yea, you may think that this is a small and stupid thing to fight about) Well, you will see what happenes in corrupt families. 

Been dealing with this for about two years now. Off and on, been telling the uncle to stop using smelly colognes. It kills U/us, and why W/we are telling him this. Each time, it sorta gets bad. Until last night. sigh, he got so fucking mad, and im not sure why. He came home, smelling so bad, and im not talking about its light and it goes away in two seconds or so. No, it lingers and its everywhere heavy. 

So, Daddy goes and talks to him, in an adult way. Not mean or anything. Basically telling him, W/we know he is lying and he needs to stop. Because seriously, it is hurting U/us both. Im getting my bronchitis back, which stays for months on end, and Daddy gets pneumonia and what not. 
If it wasnt hurting U/us, W/we wouldnt be saying anything about it. But it is gettig out of hand. Seriously it is.Tired of being sick and being almost back at my old place. 

From there, the uncle got so mad, acted like he was having a heart attack and left. I know for a fact now, he went to safeway, since the hospital is about a minute drive... and he was gone for about twenty minutes or so. 

Then Daddy comes up, and tries talking to His mother.Boy, that didnt turn out well. His mom was so angry at Him, for no reason.At that time, wasnt sure what was going on. W/we thought it was strange that everyone was so mad, and saying leave jim alone. While W/we are the ones, getting sick and such. 
Daddy was really hurt that His mother was mad at Him for no reason. And what was funny, is that only two minutes passed when the uncle was gone, that everyone in the family knew what was going on. Saying, leave the uncle alone about the colognes. 

Okay, being in an abusive home, i know how it is when someone lies out right okay. So, if the uncle wasnt wearing cologne, then why is the whole family saying, leave jim alone about the cologne, if he wasnt wearing it? Does that make sense to you? Because i know for a fact it doesnt make sense to me, but that he is wearing it and laughing and knowing that HE IS HURTING US ON PURPOSE.

Okay, onto the next point. Got scared and left for a bit. Just walked in the middle of the night, which is not a good thing. Bawling my eyes out and reminded of things back at my other place. Finally me and Daddy went back home and just tried to have a good rest of the night. 

Now, you will be shaking your heads at this. Daddy actually asked the uncle if he was okay and if he went to the hospital and what not. Because that is how Daddy is. But, the uncle was saying, oh i may have to go in. And that he was still mad and bitter at U/us, but W/we weren't even mad at all. Just want the stuff to stop, until W/we can move out. It's not that hard. 

Then went to sleep and woke up the next morning and Daddy was trying to phone His mom all day. She ignored most of them and finally called Him. I hear them arguing a bit downstairs, and i hear this, is Ashley around, i dont want her to be. 
Sorry, but if you are going to bring me into it, im sorry but im going to be down there and what not. Dont tell me i cant be in it, if you are going to bring my name down in the mud for something a dumbass is doing. And it is always them trying to separate me and Daddy from each O/other. I still do not know why they try to do this. But hello, im engaged and owned by Him. You can not keep me away from Him. Especially if it involves both of U/us. Just doesnt make sense at all, but it shows you, that only being at this house for three years, and His family doesnt know a lick about me, they have all this nasty stuff to say. 
Hasnt anyone heard that saying, if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say it at all? Does this still apply today or what? Sigh

So,i go down, and His mom is still mad from yesterday. He keeps asking why she is so mad. Because there are things she does, that makes U/us upset, but W/we dont put in her face or anything, W/we try to make her happy. But finally today, i said my peace with it. I told her, look. You think W/we dont look for work, but W/we do. More so than you. Which is true, she doesnt look for work and been out for a year and had government money. W/we werent mad at it, or anything. But, they always bring that up. Like W/we are not looking for work and want to be in this hell hole. 

So, finally the truth comes out. The family, thinks W/we are ungrateful that the uncle helps us with money.( And i must add, its only a little bit, so you cant say its help and it is forced from him.) That W/we dont clean up the house and etc. 
Okay, for one, i didnt move here to be a damn maid. I moved here to get out of my abusive family's house. I did not sign anything to be a damn slave and maid to his uncle. No, that is not why i am here. Okay, second of all, i am grateful to get money to help U/us in the mean time. But i hate to say it, the uncle doesnt do it out of his heart. No, he does it because he has to, or so he says so in his head. 

If W/we werent grateful to be here, then why did Daddy and i sign papers, to get the income down on the house? Why did Daddy and i sign papers to get on the electric program? Why did Daddy hurt Himself getting a job and paying the rent, in order to keep the house? Why did Daddy and i both clean up the house, not for the uncle but to make it clean? 

Seriously, if W/we werent grateful at all, W/we wouldnt do this at all. Not to mention when W/we did have money, W/we gave the uncle a bday celebration and paid everything for it. He just snubbed it and didnt have any of the stuff. Did that out of the goodness of O/our hearts. And the times W/we took him out to dinner and such. 

Im just tired of being painted the bad guy, when all i have been is grateful and trying to help keep this house afloat. But, W/we dont get that. No, W/we are bums and W/we want to stay here. And that w/we alomst killed the uncle. Well guess what, they killed Daddy's father. 
Kicked him out on the streets and didnt help him when he had strokes and basically killed him. Yet, they dont feel anything for that at all. 

Like i have told His family, i am done with them. I wipe my feet and go where God wants me to go. This is in His hands, not mine, and He will deal with their actions and such. Right now, i just wanted to update of what is going on. How the day is progressing and so forth. 

Just today, its kinda sad, that Daddy and i are discussing when w/we have children, they will have all of O/our stuff and see who w/we were and O/our hardships in life. I find it a bit difficult at times to write and such, because of what is going on. And that one day in the future this will be put past U/us, like my past is and get on with life. And see my children grow up as good adults and they have children of their own. 
Kinda sad, that in times like this, things like this come up. Well until next time....

November 27, 2011

Maybe Delusional dreams i had last night.

I had two dreams last night that stood with me. Not sure why, but these are kinda scary and then again not.

i will go with the first one i had..

i was sorta back at my old place, or maybe my new one.. not sure which, but i know that i was leaving and going somewhere else. Then i was on the train with my so called best friend. She was going with me, and we were best friends. I had tiger and kanga with me, and i didnt want to go anywhere without them. Of course had stops on the way, and we all got out, to get something to eat, and we stop at safeway.. i ate a couple of pears, and it had oreo cookies in it. And i thought that was weird. Went to paid for the stuff and the train blew the whistle and the conductor said, you have a minute to get on...
 So, thought had enough time to at least pay and get on the train. But it started going and i was stunned by it. I thought we had a minute to get on, and i knew it wasnt that long at all. So, we all sit there, and the train was going. We didnt want to leave without paying for the food,and the lady said go ahead, dont want you guys to get stranded.. So we ran to the train, and it stopped. Got on, and i didnt have tiger or kanga at all, and i had to pull the emergency cord to go and get them..

 And that is all i remember of this dream. i think some of my real memories got tangled up in this dream. Think being sick is making me have delusional dreams, and i dont like havin these sort of dreams at all.

Onto the second dream...

This one was a bit weird. I remember being at home, the old house, watching some weird shows with mom. And it was on ABC, or something like that, and it was a Disney movie or something. Then it kinda switched to me being on the beach, and i was swimming in the ocean. I was scared and cold, and didnt know what had happened at all. Still thought this was a movie or something, so i just floated there, stunned.
 I finally realized that i was a mermaid, and my goal and the reason i came up to the surface was to find someone alike, or maybe a human friend to love. So, i keep swimming and swimming, and going out more into the ocean.
From there, it kinda switches that i bumped into this girl. She was pretty nice and quiet and i asked her what she was going out here and such, and she never gave me an answer. She just walked toward me, into the ocean.. and i was a bit scared that if she found out i was a mermaid, what she would do to me.(mind you, this part had a Mistress feel to it, and not sure why).. and she starts swimming with me. Im holding onto tiger, and lambie as hard as i can, while swimming..

 And for some reason, a ship was coming our way, i said, hide.. really loud, and we went under the water. It took me two or three times, to hit the deep end, and swim to the area i was familiar with. Finally got down there, and its this house, that i made my own. It was pretty neat. Had quite a bit of bedrooms and wht not, and i had my own bedroom. I made it into one of the little childrens bedrooms.. and i went in there to read a book.Mind you, that bedroom was full of books.. and what funny, is that, none of the stuff, was wet. it was like, it was in its own little bubble.

And the lady i was with, she was amazed at where she was at. and i told her, do you like it? She was a little bit scared, saying the celing may come down, so we both went out, but before that, i said we are under water. Trying to hint what we were. I think she knew, because she wasnt surprised or anything. So, we swimmed out of it, and it was dark and such. While i was squeezing through the coves and such to get out.. and trying to hold onto tiger and lambie all the while.

Finally got out of the coves and such, and came to the surface, and i didnt have tiger or lambie, and i was panicking. i was aksed her where they were at, and she said she had them. so, i was relieved about that.

Then switched to us going to this bar or something, to met up with some people. But, insteAad it was this weird, mall type place. And the lady wanted to check her eyes out, and when she did that, it turned the security devices on.. so we had to book it, and we were hiding in a weird bathroom/garage.

 Some people were following us, so we got into this car, and drove off.. and while in the car, you could see an areal view of Cal. and it made me sick...

and this is all i remember of this dream.
 Now, im not sure why im having these dreams, but i can slightly guess, it was because i didnt have my emotions in check, and gave me these weird dreams. Or it could be, that im sick right now, and i always get delusional dreams, which suck like hell. Who knows, well Until next time.....

November 26, 2011

Daddy/fiancee's poem to me...

Finding you was a gift from God
that answered the stream of prayers that made up my past
and now I can talk with you at long last
and be at one with your heart and soul

Instead of my prayers piled up and stuck on my bedroom's sky
instead of my whispers into my pillowcase becoming a lullaby
instead of dreams escaping through my window's lip
instead of time slipping through all of my hope's grip
I can look into your eyes and kiss your lips

Truly, truly our song is strung together
you're the lightening to my thunder
and our emotions are mixed up like the rain
and I know that there could be no other that could ever share my name

Let our cherished moments christen the bad
let us learn to drown out all of our worries with all that we ever had
and take a moment to say those special words that we've always known
and let us replay those special moments that we've grown

“Love you with all my heart and soul,”

Your Fiancee, Anthony

November 25, 2011

Got kicked out of another room, in wire club.. sigh


Okay, im seriously getting tired of these indians now. yes, im talking about them like this. And the ones who are my friends are nice, im not talking about you.
 Im talking about power hungry ones.

 It happened again... someone asked about my lifestyle and yet for no reason i got kicked out of the room. I went in with my Master's name, and i see that he was talking about me.. saying i was fake and such.
 That made me pretty much mad. And asked why i got suspended. I asked if it was about the lifestyle, and he said, well it was vulgar stuff. And i asked him, in what way, was i vulgar? Because all i said, was the things i do, and it wasnt even sexual. I was talking about drowing and choking. Nothing vulgar in that.

 I told him, why did you suspend me without a warning, and he just never answered that. This guy, name above, is one indian who is power hungry and an asshole. I tried to resolve it on Daddy's name, yet he suspend me from there as well, and all i wanted to do was ask, why i was suspended.

 Im tired of being suspended from these rooms, when THEY ARE THE ONES ASKING ABOUT MY LIFESTYLE. That is what i dont get. I do not bring it up, THEY DO. And when i tell them, they get all well you are crazy and etc... and then just suspend me.. but what i do not like most of all, is being talked about, when im suspended from a room. That is just being an asshole who thinks he has won the game.

 I have made up my decision that, i will not go into those rooms, where ive been suspended, and thinking of making a room called No indians allowed who are power hungry... because im tired of it.
  And i had said numerous times to the guy, that if he gave me a warning i would of stopped it and went into a private chat with it. But i got nothing, and why i was so fucking mad about it.

I will, however, go into the two rooms that accept me for who i am, and want to say thank you for the understanding and being kind to me. That does help me, say that most indians are crappy, because they give thems a bad name.. but there are i would say about 20 percent nice people and wanted to point that out.

 Again, thank you for accepting me for who i am.. and actually have an open mind about this, and not judge me and kick me out, like most of these rooms do. So, i guess i will end this rant, since my hands are killing me, and the anger and words are no longer here.... until next time...

November 22, 2011

Warning signs of a fake Dom

*Greetings My Lady

My name is Darkmoon.I am master and daddy to my fiancee and find from what you say on your page that you and her are very alike.I am sending this letter on her behalf to inquire into if you would like to friend her in the name of common interest and lifestyle.Like I said I am sending you this letter in her name and not in any way to try to get to know you for my own gain.She is kinda new to the Bdsm sub/daddys girl about 2 years in and has no real friends other than her loyal master.It would be nice for she to have someone to talk to who is into the same way of living as her.If you would please message me when you can about any details you may wish to ask questions on I would be happy to answer them.If you wish to talk with her i will send you contact info so you can.I am sorry if I have bothered you and thank you for your time. Good day

Thank you as i have said this is not for me but her.I am not trying to get involved with you.I am only looking to help my little girl stay happy and having a friend to talk to such as you will help*

Okay, where do i start with this? As you can see this is a fake Dom posting to me. This whole thing is really awkward and such. For one, he puts my lady, that is a no no. I am a slave not a Mistress. Not suppose to put that. Second it is saying, if you read between the lines, i am his, when im not.

Okay, as you read this, he is typing and such for his slave. Okay, that is fine and dandy, but what gets me, is that why can she not type it? I know some slaves are not allowed to talk to anyone without permission and what not. But this is weird. That a Master is typing a slave on his slave's behalf. This is already a warning sign. For one, a slave should have the right to talk to other slaves, no matter what. But if a Master is typing to another slave, then this is just puts up red flags.

Why should a Master type to another slave, without gaining anything? Just doesnt make sense. For one, when i read this, i thought well okay, maybe this couple is cool. But when i read this twice, red flags and my gut instincts went up. For a few reasons, and i will post them one by one.

  • Typing to another slave, for his own slave.

  This brings up big red flags. If there was no gain into me knowing him and such, then why is he typing for her? It should be slave talking to slave and not a Master talking to a slave... It makes you wonder what he is up to,doesnt it?

  • Repeats it quite a bit.

  If there was nothing else to be gained in this, but friendship, then why do you have to repeat it a lot of times in the letter? People who are abusive or wants something will repeat things over and over til you give in. This is another huge red flag, that made me question what he wanted out of this.

  • If she's new, then why is she in it for two years?

  This is bit of a condrum.. don't you think. If she is new, then how can she be in it for two years, and not know a thing or so about it? It just makes you scratch your head.. if she is new, what does that make me, for being in it about two more years in it? Makes you wonder if they are really in it, or if he really does have a slave at all. A small flag but one that should not go unnoticed. 

  • Why should I know any details, if we will be talking, other than her id address and such?

 This is another thing that gets me. Why should there be any other contact or details to be made, but only to give me her id. Saying, more details, is like i am being consider to be his slave. Which is out of the question. You only say this, when you consider you want a slave and such.. another flag that keeps nagging at me. 

  • Saying I'm trying not to get involved with you.

  Okay, this just showed me exactly what he wanted. When people say they do not want to get involved with me, or a slave, they are lying and do the oppiste. They do want to get involved and in the end, try to take you away from your Master and such. (I was going to write back, but after this, I'm not going to.)

  • Doesn't understand that I have to get permission from Daddy and such.

  When Doms in this lifestyle can not understand that talking to people,and that slave is owned, that they need to talk things over with their Master. Like i have said numeous times in my blog, i am owned, and everything gets talked about with me and Daddy. But if you can not understand that, then seriously you are fake, and do not need to talk to me, or be in this lifestyle. 

I really dont mind talking to people in the lifestyle, seriously i dont. But if you are fake and such, i will comment on it, and go my way. But when this happens in my life, real or on the internet, i have to talk things over with Daddy and such.

 W/we want friends in this lifestyle together. Not me, having a friend or vise versa. But both of U/us become their friend and such. If people cant understand that, then they surely dont need to be in this lifestyle. That is the first thing you should know in this lifestyle. That respect is suppose to be maintained by Dom's and slaves.

I am writing this out, to show you the warning signs of what a fake Dom is and that they will try and take you away from your Master and such, if you do not see the warning signs and such. Be aware of what you are doing, and always and i mean always talk to you Master about this...
   Until next time.....

What is up with this shit, rant

seriously i do not know what is going on with the uncle here. I was sleeping and Daddy went down to go get something to drink, and such.. and He smelled something. So He checked the bathroom, and the bathroom to see what is was. Finds out the uncle used my stuff.

 Im pretty much livid at this point. Because for one, i hate when people use my stuff, and without my permission. I do not touch anyones stuff without asking. So i think its right they do the same. And of course he uses my stuff that is back up, and that smells a lot.

 Im getting to the point, of playing this biological warfare back. I have been fair enough lately, but this is getting to an end. Im happy that he took a bath, but does he really have to use my stuff and what not.

 This isnt the first time he has done this. He has used all my laundry soap, and now this. Seriously he uses my stuff, the stuff i pay for, with what little money W/we have, because i need it. And it is the only things i can get.

 Im done being nice. Whatever he does now, im doing it back. He is lucky im not a person who snaps and hurts him deeply. People need to learn to not mess with people. If he wants to play it like this, fine. I have no problems doing it.

Ive done what Daddy has wanted, but this is enough. This is getting just as bad at my other home. And this is how i have survived it so far. By paying them back. i mean it, im done being nice and such. Seriously, he needs to learn what he is doing, is absoultly wrong.

November 21, 2011

Dont know what to do anymore, poetry by me

I hate being in this cage
flapping my wings as hard as i can
to unlock this chain
that is tied around my body

Is there any way out
of this gilded cage?
or am i going to be stuck here
for eternity.

I cry out to God
squawking my burdens to Him
and all i get back in return

is heartache
is sickness
is anger
is mixed emotions

What is a bird suppose to do
when it is locked up in a cage?
Can it find a way to free itself?
Even if it is stuck?

Or what else could there be
without anyone to help them?

All this is on this little birds mind
feeling the heartache and burden
that goes onto her Master

How can she take it off
when she is stuck just as Him?
What can she do, to help?

So many things whirling in a
dust storm
and nothing is being resolved

God, help us
we really need you

Why are you not helping us?
Why are you making us suffer this?

Are the only things that stick
inside this birds mouth

tears wielding up inside
anger and fury building
to the tides that swish
in her heart

How can you be still
when you know things are not well
how can you be still
when you know you are not welcomed at all
how can you be still
when you have no home to call your own?

What are you suppose to do?
Where are you suppose to go?
When no one wants you?

Just dont know what to do anymore

not sure what to do, rant

I really dont know what to do anymore. I feel like my only options are these: God gives us a good job.. or go homeless.

 This house, i live in, isnt a home at all. Im getting sick, because a person has to be evil, and cant help from the goodness of his heart. Im getting sick because the uncle wants to be evil and probably want us out or something.

 Seems, like ever since he came home from his vacation, he has been like this. Always smelling of cologne. And im not talking about a light one, oh no. I am talking you can smell it all through out the house, and that it lingers, and gets stuck on your own clothes.

 All of this could be resolved if he took a damn bath every day and put on deodrant.. but no, he doesnt want to take a bath and such. So he smells way too much, and the only thing he thinks he can do is, bathe in cologne.

 All this does is kill me. I am getting my bronchitis again. I thought it was from the weather and i think a little bit of it, is coming from that, but it is mostly coming from colognes. I am getting nothing but migraines and coughing my head off and weasing.

i may have to go into the doctors, to get an inhaler and such, and not sure what money to use on that. I just want out of this house. Since the uncle, doesnt give a rat ass, that he hurts us.
 This is becoming like my old home. Before i left, it got really bad, and it is getting like that again. Only this time it is biologoical warfare. And it is hurting us.

I get so mad because he knows what he is doing and doesnt care at all. And i also get mad at God, because He knows how bad we hurt here, and yet we are stuck here. I cant live another year like this. Need to do something.. not sure what though.

 But to show you how evil the uncle is.. not even that long ago, about two days ago.. he uses up all my laundry soap.. and i can only have two laundry soaps, that wont break me out, and yet he uses it all up. So he gets some, guess what, not the one i can have.. So, i told him out right to his face, about three times, so it would stay in his head, i can only have sun.. nothing else..
 So he goes to safeway, guess what, he gets armor hammer, cant even have that, and i told him that. I said i can only have sun, and he gets mad at me, like i am the one at fault, because i cant use it.

I get so mad at this. Because its like im playing these games, when im not. Its like why would i fucking tell you to your face, that i can only have certain things. I dont say this for nothing.
 there is a reason why i can only have certian amount of things, its because im allergic.. hello. Does anyone fucking listen to a damn word i say? And act like im the fucking stupid one..

This is just getting as bad as my family. If i get any sicker than what i am, i swear, the bitch in me, will come out, and will not go away, til something happens. I really hate that someone will hurt me biogolically because they dont want me in the home. dont want me here, just fucking say it to my face, instead of hurting me.

Ive dealt with this for the longest, and i cant keep going on like this. If it doesnt stop, just will have to go homeless, nothing else we can do. I know God will provide.. but seriously He needs to hurry up on this.


what do you think of this name
when you read my id?

Do you see me as a nympho
just only wanting sexual favors?

Do you see me as a person
who likes water sports
in the lifestyle?

Do you see me as a real slave
in slavery who doesnt have her own will?

What do you think, when you see this
i ponder on this sometimes

Lets break this down, shall we?
Slave, hm what does this mean to you?

does it show that im a weak and inferior race?
does it show that i am captured and not free at all?
does it show that im a slave means i have no brain or tongue to use?

To all those questions above.. no
i have my own will
i am stronger than what you think
i do have a brain and tongue i can use at anytime
but the difference??

I can not do this, when im around my Master
as you see, im bound to Him
and that He is my life....

What do you mean Master?
Well im in the BDSM lifestyle
and i have rules i have to follow

all those above, when im around my Master
i have to quiet, unless He wants me to speak
I am still in charge, but not as much, as people think
I am strong, for choosing to be His slave and so forth

What does Water Nymph mean?
Do they go together or are they sepearte?

As you see, they go together, in fact
i had to change it, because a lot of people
thought i was a nympho

always wanting sex
and why they would always pm me
to try and get that

and when i explained my name
get all mean, call me nasty names
and leave.

And i didnt want that, since people assume things
without really hearing what others have to say

But what does water nymph mean?
hm, funny to say, that this is what my Master nicknamed me

since i love water so much
that in fact i hog it while W/we take showers
just cant help myself

water makes me feel better
makes my heart and body cleanse
and my soul a little better
when im soaking in it

So this is why i chose my name
because not only is it an id
but i live by it as well

cant say how many people
actually live by their ids
can you?

What pictures mean to me.....poem by me

What's in a picture?
that will tell you more about me
than my own mere words?

What's in a picture
that will tell you anything about
my personality?

Why are people so hooked on pictures
than trying to see who i am
by mere words i type...

Some people think im slow
when they talk all sweetly to me

asking for my facebook
asking for myspace
asking for some kind of link
that will show my pics..

yet, what they dont realize, 
is that im on top of them
knowing for a fact all they want 
are pictures

to judge who i am
instead of seein who i am
by the words i type to them

When that doesnt work
i see their true colors peek out

calling me a man
or that im ugly 
and why i will not put my pictures up

but you know what the real reasons are
for not putting them up?
I'll give you a hint.. 
that i have said so many times
yet no one reads what i write

because this life, all they want
is for you to show them whatever they ask
in this life, everything is handed to everyone
instead of trying to do things on their own

yet, this is one reason why i do not put my pic up
because i go against what the whole world does

and also, because i obey what my Mastr wants
and that is not to show my pics to anyone

yet no one understands this
and when i say no
they gasp and say how old are you?

and i tell them my age
but what they dont understand
is my lifestyle and that i am bound to my Master
keeps em from giving it out

and also, because of how many crazy fucks are out there
who have threaten to kill me and my Master

So if you try to ask for pics again, 
i advise you to read this, 
and maybe understand 
why i get soo annoyed 
when no one listens to my words
and want pics instead....

November 19, 2011

Cant believe what happened....

im pretty much pissed right now. You do not know how much angry i have in me, when people are stupid and do not know anything about the lifestyle.
 This is the only part i hate about being open about the lifestyle, is having people who are so ignorant in it, that they prejudge you. And then when they get mad and such, they fucking kick you out of rooms, all because they are stupid and do not want to be educated or actually be OPEN MINDED.

Yea, as you can see, im really mad. I got booted out of a room, for me being myself. I didnt do anything, but talk about it, why? Because they asked, i didnt push it or anything. They are the ones, who were curious about it,a nd then when they heard i love pain, they start freaking out.
 Saying, oh the human being doesnt like pain and such, and saying they are into medicine, and such, and think they know everything.
Gosh, it makes me mad. Sometimes, i dont want to even talk about it, but this was unjustice. There was no reason to kick me out of the room. I told the people to back off of me, when they started to gang up, when they say im mentally not there.
 I told them to stop it, since i know it was getting out of control, and you know what? they kept going. Sorry, but for the most part, Indians are nice. But then you get a few handful who are fucking assholes.

 i just do not know how to begin or how to even articulate the anger i have inside of me at this moment. Even shock as well. Im pretty much use to being judged and such, but being kicked out, and they are the ones going on about it.. just makes even more worse than anything.

Sigh, and you wonder why Indians get a bad rep and name? Hm, maybe because a large percent are stupid, not open minded and assholes. sigh.. until next time...

November 17, 2011

answering questions what i do in the lifestyle.. part three

1. You are allowed to speak again, I presume? If not, how do you do it? How DID you not speak for 9+ months? I’m not sure I could give that up.

For the most part, i can speak.. but there are times i can not... which is sorta hard for me.. but also it is easy, since i do not speak unless spoken to, so its easy to go that long...

3. Are your permanent body modifications still on-going? What has been happening in that regard?

I do have a few permant marks on my body, but its not on purpose. W/we do not believe in permant marks, I.e. branding, but do have collars and such.

Permant marks are scars that has happened from whippings and such, it happens from time to time lol

4. When did you become sure that your Master is the one you would like to have for life? (This might be a repeat, sorry if it is, but I am struggling with this myself. Sometimes I feel he’s the one I can take it to the 24/7 level with, but sometimes, I’m uncertain…)

i knew from the start He was the one for me. Even as W/we talked "vanilla" and my heart and souls was His. So, ever since then i knew He was the one for me. And after knowing about the lifestyle, my love and such has grown.

5.  Is there any age you consider to young to do BDSM play? (after they’ve reached sexual maturity, of course!)

hm, i would say teenagers and even at 18 or so.. most of them do not know what is going on, and can have a bad experience from it.

7. What if your parents decided to come visit? What would you/your Master do?

well, O/our lifestyle would be on hold. I would have to say His name instead of Daddy or Master... but collars would be still worn and such, just lie about it, and try to be vanilla lol

8. I find (when I do submit within the context of a scene) that I’m a rather bratty submissive. Is there any way to cure this? (I think it’s perhaps I want the punishment, and my Master does not punish me enough… He is too forgiving.)

Well, im a bratty submissive, and i hate to say this, but i love it. For me, there is a fine line with it though, that is kinda hard at times. So, its fine being bratty, just have to learn when it is acceptable and such.

9. If you were given a completely free day (no collar, dress how ever you want, go anywhere you want) what would you do? Or would you just be horribly confused? lol :)

i would be so confused, it would be scary. lol. I love having to do things for Daddy and not for myself. So it would make me confused and probably feel guilty about it.

10. Do you have a safe word? Are you allowed to use it? If you’re feeling sick, or under the weather, what would your Master do?

Yes, there is always safe words to be used. But O/our's is a bit different. Instead of safe words, it is hand motions, or my emotions. Daddy will ask how im doing, and if He thinks im broken and such, He will back off,and help me..
Under the weather, He helps me. Takes care of me when im sick, by giving me medicine, or rub my stomach and such, and lays down and watches movies with me, cuddling while watching them.

11. Last one: what would your Master do if you got pregnant? (Hey, accidents happen. I’m here because of one such accident ;)

Hm, now this is scary. Since w/we had a scare before. But, when W/we had the scare, O/our lifestyle was on hold. He took care of me, always trying not to put pressure on my stomach and other areas. And i really hated that. I felt like He was walking on eggshells with me, and i just wanted Him to be Himself... but if W/we do get pregnant, would be scared and shocked, but W/we will take care of the child. Just how w/we feel on it.

answering questions about what i do in the lifestyle.. part two

1. How did you know your master was the right one to trust?
It took a long time for me to really truly trust Him. On the computer after about two months of chatting with Him, it was easy to trust Him. But for real life, it took about another two months of training and such, to truly trust Him.
 I guess for me, it was a gut feeling. He wasnt like everyone else, so i knew that deep down, He was a very good guy to trust.
2. How did you find your master, please explain exactly, was it a site or what?

For U/us it was Christian Chat room on yahoo. One night He just pmed me out of nowhere and W/we hit it off. W/we were only looking for friendship in the beginning, but after that it sparked into this. I would say about five months of chatting He told me HE was in the lifestyle, and asked if i was curious about it or if i knew about it. Talked about it, and from there, He asked if i wanted to be His slave. I was hestiant at first, because i have never done anything like this, but He told me, i was a natural submissive and liked me a lot, to train me.
 So i took it, and that is when the training started.. and how it got to this part of my life.

3. How do you continue to do it every day, being able to take so much? I know for an experienced woman like you it’s not hard, but what about for the beginners?

Still, sometimes it is hard for me. It could be becuase i can be cranky at times and such, and the things my Daddy makes me do, pushes my limits, so it is hard. But i love the challenges to it. It is rewarding.

And for the beginners, well their Master's will train them and be patient with them. It takes time to understand and accept everything and to do everything that your Master wants.

4. How do I know that I am or am not right for the “Slave” Title?

i think for this one, it comes within yourself. Some it is natural, and others you have to work at it. I think if you truly want to be in it, you have to work at it. You have to show your Master that you are truly wanting to be a slave/sub. It takes a lot out of you, so you have to dig deep inside and you have to ask and answer yourself, are you doing this because you want to please your Master? and etc, if so, then you are right for it. In this, you can not be selfish..

5. What is the hardest thing you do?

Hm, this is hard. I think the hardest thing for me is saying no to my Daddy. When it comes to something i know that goes against God, i have to say no to Daddy and that breaks my heart a lot. Because i want to please Daddy in everyway, but God comes first. :)

6. How did it first start out, you and your master in actual Bdsm acts? What did you do, was he patient or was it force? How did you react?

well W/we started this online for a little bit. The training came from there. Like He would of told me to get off the computer, undress and wait by my cell phone to call Him.. and things like that.

In real life- this was the hardest for me. Was listening to Him and giving Him the full trust. W/we started out, just talking about things and taking it slowly. First bjs, and Him helping me with my memories coming up and such. Then it led to whipping and such. All through that, asking what im feeling, if im okay, how much i can take and etc.

All of it is done with patience. It is tedious on both parts for U/us, but W/we know what has gone on in my life, and that safety, trust and communication is first and foremost in this lifestyle and always will be. In the beginning i was very scared, very shy and didnt know what to do.

7. Were you scared at first, to have someone know whats best for you? Knowing you could trust someone fully with yourself?

In the beginning, i think about a month of living with Him, i was very scared, but doing the lifestyle, slowly, my trust started to grow and such, and it has become my safety blanket.

8. Do you ever get annoyed with what you do?

Hm, i dont think of what i do, but more so at myself. Could be anything i did wrong to what is going on inside of me.

9. I am a natural dominant, I have been a Femdom, I have figured out that I hate being dominant, How would I go about being something similar to you? Was there a site you learned what you do at? Or was it taught? If it was taught by who? And where can a Newbie like me find or figure out “The ropes.” No pun intended.

i really didnt read up on it persay. I just kinda let my heart and natural submissiveness take over. The training from family and Daddy had take its toll on me, so i knew what i should do and such.. and after that, i was guiding by Daddy. So, no i had no site that really taught me the ropes of this lifestyle. All hands on approach here.. which i like to do best :D

10. What would you give advice to people like me Female and male alike?

Like i always say, do not jump into this lifestyle, without really knowing what it is. Do not be with fake people who can hurt you and etc...

11. Where can I go to learn how to be a proper slave?

Hm, i dont think you can go anywhere on the internet to be a proper slave. Since all Master's are different and what they expect from their slaves. So, i think this, you have to just find the right Master and be trained for it.

Questions about what i do in the lifestyle... part one

1. How many years are there between your master and you?

Master is six years older than i

2. Whats your real name? Whats your masters’ real name? Or are you not allowed to give out that kind of info…?

I really cant give out O/our real names, but i do go by pet names, like Ashpea... and let people say that, or what my username is.. which is water nymph.. other than that W/we like to be private about that sort of thing.

3. Is there anything you dislike about BDSM in particular? Like, a certain fetish that is popular among the commnity but you dislike it for any reason? Does your master dislike anything?

well i have my hard limits, like scat play and etc, that goes against my morals. And my Master dislikes the same things as i do, when it comes to the hard limits.

4. Are you allowed to listen to any kind of music? If so, what kind?

yes, i can listen to music, but lately, i havent been listening to anything, but what Master puts on the computer(movies mostly).

5. What exactly do you do in your spare time?

Well, i love to read, write and cross stitch a lot, but also i am always waiting to serve my Master in anything that He needs.

6. What do your parents think of your lifestyle? Do they even know?

My family thinks im a complete freak for being in it. Yet they are the ones that got me into it.
 Master- His family doesnt know He is in it.

7. Do you have a myspace/facebook/livejournal?
I have them,but im rarely on them.

8. Do you or your master ever participate in porn that ends up on the internet or on DVDs? If not, why?
um no... because W/we are private and sex is not in O/our lifestyle.

9. Do you live in a nice home? I mean, the house itself. Is it a mansion, two story, an apartment…?

I live in a home for now.. Not a home for me though, as things that are going on, but it is a shelter that im glad to be in. It is somewhat comfortable, but on the poor side, and really all i need is my Daddy.

10. What exactly do you say to a master if you want to leave? And what if you’re not allowed to talk? Do you just do it and say what you feel, and then go to back your bags? And the masters’ okay with this?

Well, this will have to be a very long discusion between the both of U/us. He has come close to letting me go, but thought no. It does come up from time to time, but to really let me go, is out of the question. Mostly when He wants to let me go, is to test me and push my boundaries.

11. Have you and your master ever thought about making your relationship permanent? Like, getting married?

Yes, W/we will be getting married. I will have a formal collar when W/we married.

12. Are you allowed to read anything (like books)? If so, what kind?
Yes, i can read any thing i want. I read mostly my novels i love, that is one thing Daddy doesnt let go, is me having a personality while being His slave. I read from historical fiction to anything i can get my hands on, and is a good read.
13, What are your favorite positions/things to do in BDSM?

Oh, hm, W/we are getting use to the bondage part. Like tying me up, without clothes on, and leaving me in a room to think what i did wrong, and He can come in whenver He wants and whip me and such.

Also, love to be spanked and such. I like being on my hands and knees with my ass up in the air, while he whips me. and other things. :D

14. Ever read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice? It’s an erotic BDSM novel, and I’m sure you and/or your master would love reading it.

yes, and i thought it was really cliche. I thought that it could of been a lot better than what it was. i read way too many bdsm erotica lol

What fakes do in this lifestyle.... rules i found...

Red Flags:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or B.D.S.M community.

2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.

3) Has no B.D.S.M references or friends you can talk to.
I don't agree with this one. You do not have to talk to their friends to figure out who they are. You need to talk directly to them, and if they cant be honest, then you need to go somewhere else. Also, they do not need references in this lifestyle, to be a good Dom.

4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
Well of course, i would get pissed off to, if you went around trying to snoop on them, instead of talking to them directly.Common sense

5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.

6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
Well, if you just met off the Internet, it would be unwise to give a work and phone number right away. Again, common sense.

7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
Well lets think on this one, what if they have to work a lot, and you call them while they are working.That will get them into trouble. Not all of these are going to make a Dom bad, because they have to work in life and etc. Again, common sense that this is alright.

8) Criticizes the B.D.S.M community and refuses to participate,especially if they never were part of it.
You do not have to be a bad Dom, to not participate in the community. Hell neither me nor my Master does this, and He is an excellent Master.And we get on to almost all of the people in the lifestyle, because you know why? They are fakes and such, as most of these rules or so, show.

9) Consistently breaks promises.
Cant keep all promises, and a Dom doesn't have to do this...

10) Always finds excuses for not meeting.

11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.

12) Does not take personal responsibility.

13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
Now, since i am a slave, this goes for me. It does not show that i am a bad slave or my Master as well. All people can not be happy with their families and have good ones. But this does not mean, that all slaves are going to bad and not trustworthy because they come from a broken home, and as well as a Dom.

14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
Well this one is pretty vague. As a slave, you are suppose to be pushed into doing things that we wouldn't necessarily do unless pushed, that is a soft limit... but if they are talking about a hard limit, then i agree, to a point. You can always get through your hard limits, just with time though.

15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
This one i kinda agree but then again not. You should never be pushed into a D/s relationship. This is consent, and always will be. If is your decision to be in it, and not the other way around.

17) Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
I disagree in some ways with this. It could happen, like it did with me and my Master fell in love without ever meeting and such, but also it took time, about two months into chatting and such. So, it can happen, and it could be true, don't always keep to this. Keep to your head, heart and of course common sense.

18) Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
Again, this is vague. The questions that needs to be asked and answered in this, is did you do something to make them say this? Or what, because if so, they have the right.. they are the Dom of course... but if they just come out of nowhere with it, then i agree, you can go somewhere else.

19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a "True" sub.
Again, this is false, and very vague...If you are into humiliation, like i am, it happens all the time. Also it could be a reverse psychology... to make you work harder or to do something, then its fine.i find no fault in this, and makes a Dom bad, and such.

20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

21) Puts you down in front of other people.
Again, if you are into humiliation, then this is fine... and they do it in public with others...

22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to an arch enemy at the drop of a hat.

23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
Well again, vague... what if you did something wrong? They have the right to be harsh on you and punish you... need to specify what is going on with these rules..

24) Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
How would they know this? If it is their first time, having a slave, then how will they know, what will happen in the future? No one knows... even an experienced Dom, who has many slaves, still do not know that as well...

27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
Again, vague as hell. If you are having a session, or something like that, then He has the right to keep you in the dark with that. But if they are talking about, not telling you, He has other subs and such, then i agree... other than that no.

28) Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.

29) Belittles your ideas.

30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.

31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

35) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
As i think the same way. If you consent to this, then it is fine, other than that, then this isn't good.

36) Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
Which most do anyways... and why they are fake as hell.. and plus some cant be in it 24/7, so its hard to say on this as well.

37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

38 Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

39) Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
Hm, this one i don't agree on. My Master has to have different id names and such, because He does not want to be known who He is, and same with me. This is vague.. if that is no the reason behind it, then i would agree that this means its a bad sign of a bad Dom.. other than that, no.

40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

41) Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.

42) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

*As I have seen in these rules to find out of the Dom is good or bad, for the most part, wrong on so many levels. I guess you can say, the reason being, is well, most of them are vague on what the person is saying. Does go fully into it, so you are left with all this questions. When there shouldn't be none, to see the "red flags" in a B.D.S.M lifestyle.
As my Master has said, and I think He is right on this, is a slave, doesn't want to be a slave,and trying to make excuses on this. Why else would you post these vague things up in the first place? I had to remark on these, because well they didn't sit right on me, at all. And as i have been in the lifestyle for a long time, i know when things are right or not... as in this...(not saying im always correct, just when it comes to seeing "red flags" is all.)

So i advise you, if you are looking this blog up, and seeing it, i highly think you should re-evaluate what is going on. Because most will act like a slave and do not want to be one, so they make up excuses, I.E. the rules above... Until next time.....

November 15, 2011

My love for you poem by me

on that fateful night
so many years ago

my heart was torn and
my mind made up
to leave this world

yet my heart wanted to stay

both conflicting me so horrible
my only other option
was to try and talk to someone

to get me to think things over
to get me to think positive
of the situation i was in
to get me to think that this
life wasnt as bad as i thought

nothing was happening
the urges
the whispers
were stronger than ever

telling me
why should i stay
in a world that didnt care about me
that didnt even know who i was

but here you are
my knight in shining armor

come crashing into my life
like some kind of lighting
disperse from heaven

crashing into my life
without ever knowing who i was
yet here you were, trying to help me
in any way you could

i had my doubts about you
thinking you were just like everyone else in my life
thinking you will just use me
and when you are done,leave a dusty cloud in your prescence

my heart told me, he's the one for you
he is your soul mate in every way possible
this is what you wanted in a man
and here he is

why are you being so stubborn?
and going against what you have wished for?

but i kept doing that.
kept seeing if he would be the rest
but each day, that went on
trying to see fault
to see any anger
to see any dark sides
that may appear in the beginning

but nothing of that sort ever came up
and my heart beat pulsed inside my body
realizing that my heart was correct in every way

How could i be so blind?
not to see that you were the one for me
how could i be so stubborn?
and think you were like the rest of the guys
who came in and out of my life

but here you are to this day
five years into this relationship
still loving me
and caring for my well being

And as i ponder back
so many what if's
come into my head

thinking what would happen
if i never answered your pm
would i still have met you, maybe a month later or later on in life?
What would happen
if i never met you?
would my life ended that night?
or would i fight on, but still hurt more so
as the abuse went on?

but i cant ponder on these things
as i see you here,
sitting next to me
with those loving eyes
looking straight into my soul

showing me the ways to be your submissive
showing me the ways of being a better person
and most of all,showing me the love i needed in my life

i want to thank you, Anthony, for giving me life again
and showing me what true love and happiness really means.

I love you with all my heart and soul... Ashpea

November 13, 2011

Interworks of Ashpea, Part eight

While talking with people in a chat room, my memories of just before i moved, are coming up really strong. Ever since i have moved out of my abusive parents place, I've been having nightmares, about family and if i made the right decision. Sometimes, even now, i wonder if i had made the right decision in leaving everything behind me, to become a better person.

So, where do i begin, with this story, since my memories come in pieces and such. Maybe i should back the memories up, to probably a week or so before moving. I think that will give you an insight of what i was dealing with.
Okay, so it is May, of 2008, i was working at the time, always working or just relaxing, and my mother didn't like that. She wanted me to come home from work, sometimes i had to work double, and then make food, for the family and clean and such.
Even doing this, i was talking to Anthony at the time. Telling him what was going on and such. And i would say that week in May, the abuse was getting really bad. I couldn't go to work sometimes, because of my periods, and my mother just kept calling me lazy. I got tired of it, and told her off, i cant go in, because nothing worked for me.
Started arguing at six am in the morning, cussed her out, and she took my computer away. And Anthony heard all of this going on. He was worried that i would get hurt, and contemplated on calling the cops. After a while, he told me, that he was crying and such, because he didn't know if he would be able to talk to me anymore and such.
But i was determined to talk to him and such, so i just crawled back to mom and said sorry, even though i was not. I just wanted the computer back, and that was after, me cutting pretty bad. (Yes, i was a cutter, but that will be for another time and other memories)

But during that week, i was suppose to work all night and then get two hours of sleep and go in again. I was already tired as it is, and no one wanted to change my schedule, so mom told me i could call out. But i would say in the middle of that week, if not maybe the end, the boss's kept saying, well i don't know when i will be in. when Ive worked my ass off. It was my only refuge i had, and why i worked so hard to keeping the job. I needed the money to move. I needed it badly...

So, as you can see, that went on for a week and a half, mom always screaming at me and smacking me and etc. While i had to crawl back to her, cut, cry and talk to Anthony. I was becoming crazy. I know i was.
Then i would say the next week, i went into work, and the manager called me into the office, and said i was fired. I broke down, sobbing, because i knew what family would do. I was so fucking scared, that i called Anthony immediately. I didn't want to go home.
I remember so much, that i called and called him and he didn't wake up, til about the fourth or fifth time, i called him. I told him, i cant go home, i need to do something. Because i knew it was going to get bad. Just knew it in my heart, and i needed comfort. He calmed me down, and said, just call your parents, it will be okay.
So, i did. Dad comes and get me, and on the way home,was very quiet about things. And he knew something was on my mind. I really didn't know how to break it to my parents, that I'm leaving them. I was not welcomed at all anymore, and i needed a plan.

I knew i had to go to Anthony's place, because i know, i wasn't allowed in my family's place anymore. And i was thinking, and looking out the window, while dad drove me home. I knew he was upset with me, telling me, that mom isn't going to be happy. Which i already knew it.
After about twenty minutes of silence, he asks me, what is on my mind. And i told him, I'm moving. He argues with me, saying you don't have to leave, but i know it was a facade. The only reason they wanted me there, was to do everything for them. And i was tired of it.

I was scared of who i was becoming. I didn't like seeing myself, cut every day, out of anger and such, and being a puppet for family. I was done with that life, and i wanted a new one. I was being suffocated by my family's control and i wanted to be free. And my only option was Anthony's place.

Finally get home, and mom is at the kitchen table, doing her make up, and she spins around, and says, "Why are you here?" in a snotty ass tone. I stammered, i lost my job. And she just sat there for a minute, jaw bone crunched down. ( i knew that as she was going to chew me out in a few minutes). She tried to keep calm, but it wasn't easy for her.
She gives me those disgusting looks, like i was beneath her, and says, "why did you loose your job?" and i told her. Boy, i do not know what i was thinking, in telling her the truth, and that led to mom, spitting, and saying, "why the fuck did you do that?". Just a fucking lazy ass who cant even keep a damn job. You know you are not going to fucking sit in this damn house, and not do anything.(Which i wasn't even doing, in the first place) I want you to get another fucking job. You worthless piece of shit. And that went on for hours on end.

Back and forth we went, cussing each other out, and getting hit so many fucking times. Pushing on my chest,(which now, it hurts all the time, to this day). And then sitting there, saying nothing. I knew she was done with whatever she had to say on her mind, and then it came, "Go to your fucking room. I don't want to see your face right now.)
I relieved a sigh, and left. Grateful to just have a moments peace. But sitting on my bed, letting it all sink in, sobbing, and that i totally made my mind up. I turned on my music, pretty loud, locked my door, and was packing.

To back up just a tad, i forgot to tell you, how me moving, weighted on my mind. I didn't know if i should leave or not, and i struggled with that, for about a few months. Talking to Anthony, about it, and wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. I prayed and prayed for God's answer, not knowing what i should do, and i contemplated all the time, to go or not. And as you see above this paragraph, that was my second attempt of leaving.
Packing bags, and wondering where i was going to go, or how i was going to leave. It crossed my mind, all the time, even more so, when i would be hit and such, (which was all the time) and when things would arise, like talking about it.

I didn't make my mind up completely, til the next week, in May, when i wasn't getting any work and such, it was just getting really bad. I knew it was my time to leave, so i went up to mom and dad, saying I'm leaving the next day or so.
oh my gosh, the next two days, was really hard on me. That night, my mother went ballistic. She started screaming and calling me horrible names. Saying i was never her child, and that I'm just a damn whore, who is going to a pedophile place. And that I'm just going to get raped and such.

But, i think the worse part of it all, is that when she starts the fights, its always in the kitchen or living room. i was sitting in the kitchen, just eating a little bit, and she comes up to me, and says,"why I'm smiling and such. And that I'm just a damn whore. "
For some reason, i wasn't scared of my mother. I just looked at her, and laughed, saying, "Well if i was a whore, then why am i still a virgin?" "And if i truly wanted to be a whore, i wouldn't be sitting here, eating, now wouldn't i ?" This piss her off so much, that she puts her hands on both sides of me, and she gets real close to my face, and says, you are no longer my daughter, and punches me, til i fight back.

I was through with it all. I wanted out, and i had a way out this time. i knew what i was doing, and mom didn't like it. she wanted the control on me, she wanted me to be her little puppet, that i played for so many years.
And i didn't want that. i wanted to be myself, and i was loosing grip on reality, and who i was. I needed out of that bad environment, and i did.
But what makes me so upset, is that my mother flipped out, hitting my door and almost beating me to a pulp, and said this. "You better keep one eye open, me or your sister will kill you in the middle of the night." These words scared the hell out of me, and that is when i made up my mind. I needed out, and i know what i had to do.
I talked to Anthony, saying what my mother said, scared that she will do exactly what she said, that i locked my door, put a chair under the door knob, and i was on the mic with Anthony, for two days, straight.

These memories, hurt a lot, because when my mother did this, for two days straight, i wasn't myself. I laughed and did things, i wasn't capable of doing. And to this day, i wonder if that was truly me, or if it was someone else, who was doing that. It scares me that at any time i could be like that, and i don't want that.

But, after saying sorry to my mother, i still told her, i didn't change my mind. That night, i booked my plane ticket, and said, i just want a night with you. Is that okay, just so i could have some good memories to take with me.
And i didn't even get that. i watched movies with mom, but mom was cold to me. she didn't even talk to me, nor say anything, but hurtful things.

No matter how many times my mother did this in my life, it always hurt just the same. And the next morning i was grateful, that daddy was taking me to the airport, but before leaving, my mom got up. I went to say good bye to her, and i got nothing. Not a bye, i love you. she just said, get out of my life. I'm glad that you are going to be a burden to him.
I cried, because i wanted to know just for an instant, if she truly loved me, and i got my answer. I was never loved. All i saw in my mother's eyes were hatred, bitterness towards me. When i haven't done anything wrong.

I clutched my stuff tiger more so, crying and nervous to the airport. And dad, crying as well, saying i didn't have to do this, and that i was always welcomed to come back, if things didn't go right. I just said, yea, and wanted to be left alone.

I already knew, i wasn't welcomed at all, and that my dad was just trying to be a peacemaker, which i always hated. I always hated how he groveled to make the house peaceful. But these memories, come up a lot, especially in my dreams
When i moved to Montana, i had dreams for months on end, that i was back at home, and when i woke up, that i was in a dream world. That where i was at, was back at my mothers place and not my new one. And to this day, i still get them. Like it is all a dream, and nothing more to it.

It scares me to have these feelings, these last memories of my family, shunning me forever, all because i wasn't part of the family. I pray each and every day, that they could change and accept me for who i am. But i know that is a pipe dream in itself, and i have to accept that it will come true.