About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

November 13, 2011

Interworks of Ashpea, Part eight

While talking with people in a chat room, my memories of just before i moved, are coming up really strong. Ever since i have moved out of my abusive parents place, I've been having nightmares, about family and if i made the right decision. Sometimes, even now, i wonder if i had made the right decision in leaving everything behind me, to become a better person.

So, where do i begin, with this story, since my memories come in pieces and such. Maybe i should back the memories up, to probably a week or so before moving. I think that will give you an insight of what i was dealing with.
Okay, so it is May, of 2008, i was working at the time, always working or just relaxing, and my mother didn't like that. She wanted me to come home from work, sometimes i had to work double, and then make food, for the family and clean and such.
Even doing this, i was talking to Anthony at the time. Telling him what was going on and such. And i would say that week in May, the abuse was getting really bad. I couldn't go to work sometimes, because of my periods, and my mother just kept calling me lazy. I got tired of it, and told her off, i cant go in, because nothing worked for me.
Started arguing at six am in the morning, cussed her out, and she took my computer away. And Anthony heard all of this going on. He was worried that i would get hurt, and contemplated on calling the cops. After a while, he told me, that he was crying and such, because he didn't know if he would be able to talk to me anymore and such.
But i was determined to talk to him and such, so i just crawled back to mom and said sorry, even though i was not. I just wanted the computer back, and that was after, me cutting pretty bad. (Yes, i was a cutter, but that will be for another time and other memories)

But during that week, i was suppose to work all night and then get two hours of sleep and go in again. I was already tired as it is, and no one wanted to change my schedule, so mom told me i could call out. But i would say in the middle of that week, if not maybe the end, the boss's kept saying, well i don't know when i will be in. when Ive worked my ass off. It was my only refuge i had, and why i worked so hard to keeping the job. I needed the money to move. I needed it badly...

So, as you can see, that went on for a week and a half, mom always screaming at me and smacking me and etc. While i had to crawl back to her, cut, cry and talk to Anthony. I was becoming crazy. I know i was.
Then i would say the next week, i went into work, and the manager called me into the office, and said i was fired. I broke down, sobbing, because i knew what family would do. I was so fucking scared, that i called Anthony immediately. I didn't want to go home.
I remember so much, that i called and called him and he didn't wake up, til about the fourth or fifth time, i called him. I told him, i cant go home, i need to do something. Because i knew it was going to get bad. Just knew it in my heart, and i needed comfort. He calmed me down, and said, just call your parents, it will be okay.
So, i did. Dad comes and get me, and on the way home,was very quiet about things. And he knew something was on my mind. I really didn't know how to break it to my parents, that I'm leaving them. I was not welcomed at all anymore, and i needed a plan.

I knew i had to go to Anthony's place, because i know, i wasn't allowed in my family's place anymore. And i was thinking, and looking out the window, while dad drove me home. I knew he was upset with me, telling me, that mom isn't going to be happy. Which i already knew it.
After about twenty minutes of silence, he asks me, what is on my mind. And i told him, I'm moving. He argues with me, saying you don't have to leave, but i know it was a facade. The only reason they wanted me there, was to do everything for them. And i was tired of it.

I was scared of who i was becoming. I didn't like seeing myself, cut every day, out of anger and such, and being a puppet for family. I was done with that life, and i wanted a new one. I was being suffocated by my family's control and i wanted to be free. And my only option was Anthony's place.

Finally get home, and mom is at the kitchen table, doing her make up, and she spins around, and says, "Why are you here?" in a snotty ass tone. I stammered, i lost my job. And she just sat there for a minute, jaw bone crunched down. ( i knew that as she was going to chew me out in a few minutes). She tried to keep calm, but it wasn't easy for her.
She gives me those disgusting looks, like i was beneath her, and says, "why did you loose your job?" and i told her. Boy, i do not know what i was thinking, in telling her the truth, and that led to mom, spitting, and saying, "why the fuck did you do that?". Just a fucking lazy ass who cant even keep a damn job. You know you are not going to fucking sit in this damn house, and not do anything.(Which i wasn't even doing, in the first place) I want you to get another fucking job. You worthless piece of shit. And that went on for hours on end.

Back and forth we went, cussing each other out, and getting hit so many fucking times. Pushing on my chest,(which now, it hurts all the time, to this day). And then sitting there, saying nothing. I knew she was done with whatever she had to say on her mind, and then it came, "Go to your fucking room. I don't want to see your face right now.)
I relieved a sigh, and left. Grateful to just have a moments peace. But sitting on my bed, letting it all sink in, sobbing, and that i totally made my mind up. I turned on my music, pretty loud, locked my door, and was packing.

To back up just a tad, i forgot to tell you, how me moving, weighted on my mind. I didn't know if i should leave or not, and i struggled with that, for about a few months. Talking to Anthony, about it, and wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. I prayed and prayed for God's answer, not knowing what i should do, and i contemplated all the time, to go or not. And as you see above this paragraph, that was my second attempt of leaving.
Packing bags, and wondering where i was going to go, or how i was going to leave. It crossed my mind, all the time, even more so, when i would be hit and such, (which was all the time) and when things would arise, like talking about it.

I didn't make my mind up completely, til the next week, in May, when i wasn't getting any work and such, it was just getting really bad. I knew it was my time to leave, so i went up to mom and dad, saying I'm leaving the next day or so.
oh my gosh, the next two days, was really hard on me. That night, my mother went ballistic. She started screaming and calling me horrible names. Saying i was never her child, and that I'm just a damn whore, who is going to a pedophile place. And that I'm just going to get raped and such.

But, i think the worse part of it all, is that when she starts the fights, its always in the kitchen or living room. i was sitting in the kitchen, just eating a little bit, and she comes up to me, and says,"why I'm smiling and such. And that I'm just a damn whore. "
For some reason, i wasn't scared of my mother. I just looked at her, and laughed, saying, "Well if i was a whore, then why am i still a virgin?" "And if i truly wanted to be a whore, i wouldn't be sitting here, eating, now wouldn't i ?" This piss her off so much, that she puts her hands on both sides of me, and she gets real close to my face, and says, you are no longer my daughter, and punches me, til i fight back.

I was through with it all. I wanted out, and i had a way out this time. i knew what i was doing, and mom didn't like it. she wanted the control on me, she wanted me to be her little puppet, that i played for so many years.
And i didn't want that. i wanted to be myself, and i was loosing grip on reality, and who i was. I needed out of that bad environment, and i did.
But what makes me so upset, is that my mother flipped out, hitting my door and almost beating me to a pulp, and said this. "You better keep one eye open, me or your sister will kill you in the middle of the night." These words scared the hell out of me, and that is when i made up my mind. I needed out, and i know what i had to do.
I talked to Anthony, saying what my mother said, scared that she will do exactly what she said, that i locked my door, put a chair under the door knob, and i was on the mic with Anthony, for two days, straight.

These memories, hurt a lot, because when my mother did this, for two days straight, i wasn't myself. I laughed and did things, i wasn't capable of doing. And to this day, i wonder if that was truly me, or if it was someone else, who was doing that. It scares me that at any time i could be like that, and i don't want that.

But, after saying sorry to my mother, i still told her, i didn't change my mind. That night, i booked my plane ticket, and said, i just want a night with you. Is that okay, just so i could have some good memories to take with me.
And i didn't even get that. i watched movies with mom, but mom was cold to me. she didn't even talk to me, nor say anything, but hurtful things.

No matter how many times my mother did this in my life, it always hurt just the same. And the next morning i was grateful, that daddy was taking me to the airport, but before leaving, my mom got up. I went to say good bye to her, and i got nothing. Not a bye, i love you. she just said, get out of my life. I'm glad that you are going to be a burden to him.
I cried, because i wanted to know just for an instant, if she truly loved me, and i got my answer. I was never loved. All i saw in my mother's eyes were hatred, bitterness towards me. When i haven't done anything wrong.

I clutched my stuff tiger more so, crying and nervous to the airport. And dad, crying as well, saying i didn't have to do this, and that i was always welcomed to come back, if things didn't go right. I just said, yea, and wanted to be left alone.

I already knew, i wasn't welcomed at all, and that my dad was just trying to be a peacemaker, which i always hated. I always hated how he groveled to make the house peaceful. But these memories, come up a lot, especially in my dreams
When i moved to Montana, i had dreams for months on end, that i was back at home, and when i woke up, that i was in a dream world. That where i was at, was back at my mothers place and not my new one. And to this day, i still get them. Like it is all a dream, and nothing more to it.

It scares me to have these feelings, these last memories of my family, shunning me forever, all because i wasn't part of the family. I pray each and every day, that they could change and accept me for who i am. But i know that is a pipe dream in itself, and i have to accept that it will come true.

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