About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

November 10, 2011

Interworks of Ashpea, Part five

This part of the story is going to be very hard on me, and probably on you as well. I advise you,to please do not have pity on me. I do not want that at all. I write this down, because i have been through it, and how i have overcome it,to this day. This is to show you, a little of how i got into the lifestyle, and what i did, when this had happened. So please, just take this hand in hand, and chop it up, as an experience, that i wish no one has to go through. With that said,lets begin this.

Holds in breath, for just a bit and exhales. This is still hard on me, even though this has happened many many years ago, but still plagues me at times. I was talking to a friend on wire club today, and brought up my rape memories, and this is what i am writing on today. These memories are plaguing me pretty bad right now,and the feelings that are still entwined with one another.
I feel so many emotions when these memories come up. It is like all the emotions hit me, but happiness. And to this day, i still don't know how to deal with it, in a positive way.

I remember back at eight years old, going to my grandmothers, to spend time with family, for the summer. I was excited to go, because we never really get to see my family that often. But now that i think of it, i wish that we had stayed home and never went. Because the events that took place, would probably of never happened.

That summer, i think, maybe two or three days into spending time with family, my cousins came around to play with us, and to spend time with us. And on that day, i remember playing uno with my cousins and having a really good time. Remembering being so happy and sorta carefree,that i wasn't expecting anything to happen really.

Then after maybe playing uno for an hour, my cousins got tired of it, and wanted to go outside to play. I said, sure, why not. So i stayed behind to put the cards away, when my one cousin,said he wanted to ask me something. So, i said,sure, let me put the cards up. So, i put the cards up, and he was in the front room bedroom. He patted a seat next to him, so i sat down.
He gets up and locks the door. This is where i get antsy, and so ashamed of myself. I feel trapped already and wondering why he locked the door, but i don't say a word. After that, he sits next to me again, and tells me to take my shirt off. I look at him, to see if he was joking or what not. And i finally say, no.
He slaps me a couple of times and says it again,but more harsh. I'm crying at this point, and take my shirt off. What was i suppose to do? Fight, it would of been worse, i think. i feel so uncomfortable sitting there, and he touches my boobs. I smack him, and try to put my shirt back on, but he hits me some more.
From there, this gets a bit hazy on me. I remember i take off my bra, after countless times of being hit, and didn't know what to do. From there, i have pieces that are still not coming into play. But, after that, he raped me, and all i remember is screaming help as loud as i could.Fighting as hard as i could, but feeling so helpless, feeling like no one would help. But how could they? They were all outside talking to one another, while it was just the two of us in the house.
From that point, i don't know what happened, but somehow i knocked him off of me, where he couldn't get me, grabbed my clothes, unlocked the door and went into another room to put clothing back on. Sobbing the whole time, and trying not to think of what just happened. I put my clothes back on,and ran outside to be with family, It was the only thing i could do.
Finally my family sees that i am not myself and ask, even my grandma asks as well. I only confided to my mom and grandma that he molested me, but i didn't say the whole thing, because it was my fault.

After that, grandma calls, about a month of being back home, saying that my uncle beat the hell out of my cousin for what he did. But to me, that wasn't enough. I wanted him to hurt as much as i did. But, i know deep down that wasn't me talking,it was my pain that was speaking.

And for that, i suppressed my memories, the feelings to it, til about high school i would say. For some reason a class of mine, triggered anger and such in me, that it really scared me. I didn't know where this anger came from. I know that i didn't like being pressured into doing what everyone else wanted, but i would just blow it off, but this time, i was so angry, that i cried.

And from that point, i was wondering if i was raped and such, because every time someone would say something on rape, it would make me mad or sad. Until, i kept pressing my memories, and finally putting the pieces together, of why i was having nightmares of it and such.
About ten plus years go by,while being with my family up north, my grandma says that my cousin is coming to see us, before we left. My heart sank, and i started becoming nervous and such,and i hear my grandma whispering to my mother,that he was the one that did things to me.
So i knew that my family knew what was going on,but they didn't want to leave right away. I was panicking really bad, that i had to walk somewhere. I didn't want to face him, i didn't want to even be in the same room with him.

And after that, the memories started coming out more so, the feelings of being angry and helpless coming out, and didn't know how to deal with it.I always felt scared, that he would come down and rape me again. I know, its a silly fear, but i always feel like that.
I even feel like that, to this day, while he is in prison for raping another girl. And i feel that the girl who was raped by him, is my fault,because i didn't speak up. Because i didn't have a voice at that time, and was so scared of what my family would think of me.
I think of, what ifs. Like, i could of done this or that. But deep down, i was only eight. I knew my family wouldn't believe a word i said. So,where could i run to? Who could i talk to, even at that? I had no one, but myself, and that was scary for an eight year old to go through.

I feel like all of this wouldn't of happened if i spoke up. If i said everything he had done to me.But i cant keep thinking of what ifs. I have to keep walking forward in my life, and put this behind me. And i have, for the most part. What is left behind with this, is the memories, the pain,the shame i have. And i don't know if that will ever go away. It may die down, but never fully go away.

After that, two years go by, still living in the trailer park, and being more cautious and not as carefree as i use to be. I feel like Ive been through some things and wanted to be by myself,quite a bit, but also experience being a little girl still. Why i had a friend, named Tiffany.She was my friend since i was young. very outgoing and everything. something i wanted to be.

Until, that year. Boy, that year was hard on both of us. It was oh, i say august at the time,both of us playing in her yard, and having a good time. it got pretty hot out, so we went in to get something to drink. And we see that her dad is there. Now mind you, he has never been in her life, but for maybe a couple of times. So, it was a shock in seeing him there.she starts talking to him, while i just sit on the couch. I really didn't like him, and the way he kept looking at me. Just made me feel really uneasy. And after sometime, me and Tiffany, going to her room to play. And after a while of playing, i needed to go to the bathroom.
And guess who i see, my friends dad. I felt so nervous and such, and i wasn't sure why. Until he came up to me, and said how pretty i was. That kind threw me off track. How was i suppose to get around him? How was i suppose to just ignore that and go on?
I really don't know what to do. I just stood there, like a deer in headlights. Frozen to what he said, and to this day, i still don't know why i did that. Is it because he was the first one to say i was pretty? Or was it, that i was so scared, that i couldn't move? I really don't know, and it still kinda boggles me.

Then after saying that, he brushes my hair away from my face. This, i don't know why, most people in my life would do this. I really hated someone doing that, and it took me a long time for Daddy/fiancee to touch my hair like that. But,back to what i was writing. He tells me, that he wanted to talk to me or so in another room. I really didn't want to go, but he forced me into a room.
And from there, he made me sit next to him, and he kept brushing my hair, and coaxing me, saying how pretty i was, and what a good girl i was, as well. I really didn't like it, i wanted out of the room. I felt like screaming, but nothing came. Just muffled cries,and a voice that got stuck in my throat.

From there, he starts taking my clothes off, and at this point, I'm crying, saying no, and hitting him as hard as i could. Yet, he got them off, and started touching me, which i hated so much. I knew at some point, i wasn't going to be able to get him to stop, so i just went into a "safe place" inside myself, where no one can hurt me. And just let him do what he want.
You may think that is stupid, but for me, i was ten years old, and him probably forty to fifty years old. How can a child fight off an adult? You really cant, not at an age like that. Sure, you can scream your head off, but what if the person, threatens to kill you and your family? Like in my situation? Can you really stop him from doing it, and think he is bluffing?
But, from there, he did what he wanted, while i just sat there, thinking of, who knows what. I just wanted it over with, and while in my "safe place" I just blocked out what he did. And somehow afterwards, i came out of it, not really myself, again, and just put my clothes on like a zombie. Went to the bathroom to tidy up a bit, and just went back to playing with my friend. Didn't say anything about it, and just wanted it out of my head.
No one knew what happened. Just family knew in some way i was different, and they were more mad at me for that, instead of asking, how i was and such.
These feelings still hurt me to this day. And i feel really guilty for it, because i didn't say a word about it. I just let it happened and acted like nothing happened.

Until, i hear about a few months after that incident, my friend was kidnapped by him. Boy, was that a damn blow to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, thinking i am the one who did it. I didn't say anything to her mom or anyone, and yet here she is, kidnapped by him, and don't know where he went.
Her mother looked for her, or tried for about maybe three months and then gave up. I wanted to scream at her, because i lost my best friend. I lost the only girl friend i had, and now i was stuck here, alone, with no one again. I just wanted to scream at her and myself for not doing anything about it. Yet, i had to go on with life.

Then probably at the age of 17 or so, my mom gets a phone call from Jerry, her friend, and her daughter was my best friend. She was saying how her life is now, living with someone, but that she found out about her daughter.
Found out, that her dad kidnapped her, raped her, and brainwashed her to stay with him. This makes me upset, because yet again, i didn't say anything about it, and someone paid for me not speaking up.
I was dumbfounded and lost for words. I didn't know what just happened, but it hit me. Like, why didn't i say anything? Why didn't i do anything about it? Because if i did speak up, maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't of kidnapped her. He wouldn't of raped her and brainwashed her to stay with him.

I know, i criticize myself a lot, but it is how i feel when i hear about this. Each time, it comes up, i wonder how she is doing. If she got away from him, and living a nice life now. But i don't know, these are some of the things that go through my mind. Why i cut myself so much, because i feel like i am the one that caused them to have a bad life.

It has calmed down a lot, the guilt, the regrets but they are still there, in the back of my mind. Always nagging me, when i have nightmares or when memories come up. And how to cope with something you could of done, but you didnt, still plagues you to this day.
Im hoping in the years to come, that i can resolve those feelings. Resolve the memories, and be content with what happened in the past. But, for now, i cope with, telling myself, that i was young, and i handled it, like any other child going through this. And for now, it is, helping. And i wonder will i always think like that, or will there come a time, when i need something more to tell myself it is okay?

These are only a few regrets i have, inside of me, that i face daily. And the things that haunt my dreams. Hopefully i can resolve these, and be able to sleep better.

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