About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

November 9, 2011

Interworks of Ashpea, Part four

I have known in my life, that my family can be hypocritical and lie so many times, that i know all their tactics. But what gets me,is what my sister has done.
It never fails, that my sister has to copy me, in so many ways, that at points i want to scream and hit the hell out of her, or just ignore it. But, this, i can not ignore. This is the time, if i was talking to my family, that i would really scream at her.

Now, let me back up just a bit, so you know what is going on.I have told you, that from time to time, i check up on my family, to see if they are happy without me and such. And lately, i see that my sister is acting funny. Like, wearing dresses, she has never done in her life and etc. But what boggles my mind is this:she is a lesbian.
Now, don't get me wrong, i have no problems with gays and such. I really don't, but what makes me so angry, is that my sister acquires this lifestyle, and my family accepts it, but they cant accept mine.

It makes me so angry and frustrated, that all through my life, i have had to deal with this. I would have to go through the frustration, the hitting, the cryings and such, because of who i am. But my sister, she gets sympathy. She gets, all this coddling, that it makes me so mad.

sometimes, i wish and i think, that my sister went through a few days of my life, and see how it is, to not be accepted and such. But, i know, she will never know that. Because my family accepts her no matter what. You know why? Because, she is the baby of the family, she is what my mother wanted: a daughter who was in her shadows.
And can you guess what i got, for not being my mother's shadow? Beatings, name calling, and more than anything, no love at all. As i sit here, writing this, i think, why did my mother shun me so much, for me, just being me?

And there is a few things that go through me, that makes me think, of why she did it. One, she did it, because i wasn't her clone. I wasn't the daughter who was a Domme at heart. I wasn't the daughter who looked like her, but a skinny version of it.And what i was, she didn't like. I was her with the abuse, with the rapes, with the molestings and such, but she never felt anything for me. All because i was never like her in physical form. Silly and mean, don't you think?

I think that is why it makes me so mad, and so frustrated at my family. Because everything i do, is wrong, and a sin. While my sister does almost the same thing, if not worse, and she gets praised for it. I have never understand why my family has treated her so well, and me, like trash. It has always had an impact on my life.

All throughout my life it has been like that, except for two occasions. The first one, was when me and my sister were little. Kayla must of been eight at the time, and i was twelve or so. Dad just got home from work, and saw that the t.v. screen was pushed in. He got mad at that, and asked us, who pushed it in. I kept saying it wasn't me, but of course my sis did the same thing. We got belted for probably three hours, non-stop. Alternating from me to sis. It really shocked me, because my father has never laid a finger on my sister. It was always me, who got hit, even for her mistakes. And i think it also shocked me, that after the three hours and mom watching it, she finally spoke up.Telling my father to stop it, and he didn't, and she took the belt away from him.
This really sticks, because of so many reasons. Like, seeing that my sister was actually getting beat for something she did. For my mother finally speaking up, and doing something about it. Seeing how mad my father actually was. It was so scary, that it was surreal to me.
A part of me, was happy that my sister got belted for what she did, but then again, i was angry and scared of what my father did. Not only did she got hit, but i did as well. I think every time memories comes up, this one comes up really strong, probably because of those feelings, that have stuck with me, ever since i was a child. But i think also, because it was the first time, my sister was hit just as bad as i was.
Does that make me a bad person, for feeling a part of me, being happy that she was hit just as bad as i was? Or, does that make me normal, for what happened? I still battle that to this day, with so many other confusing emotions that lay inside of me. Well, i will get back to the next memory, if it ever comes back to me. I hate when I'm writing this, and it just goes from me. You would think that is a good thing, but for me, it just annoys me. I really hate, how they go into their hiding places and wont come out, til way later.

But, back on track for now, i have never understand why my family loves my sister to death, and me, like crap. Think that is why, i hear after a year and four months of not talking to them, my sister comes out. I just think it makes me so mad, that they can accept her lifestyle, which is way worse than mine. But, think I'm living in sin. And that I'm a creep and such.
I have never quite understand why my family can accept some lifestyles, but never what i am into. It goes for books, movies and etc. And makes me wonder from day to day, why my family ever had me, if they think im just a damn burden to them.
I think at this time, i will leave this as a hang cliffer or so, since i do not know what else to write here. I will finish this up, when things come to me.

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