About Me

My photo
I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

November 7, 2011

Interworks of Ashpea, Part two

As humans,sometimes we want life to go perfect. But we all know, that it doesn't always go that way. I know, when i was a child, i have always been let down, so many times, that i guess over the years i have accepted that nothing goes well in the world. I guess i have let my emotions erode over the years, to the expectations of what my family has done.

There were and still are a few times where i want everything to go perfect, but i know deep down, in my heart, it will truly never be perfect moments. You ask, why am i writing on this? Well, you see, my memories are going down that path. A path that is always forbidden. A path that is always hidden deep inside of me, but only when memories come up, can i walk down that path again.

It hurts to walk down that lonely, windy path. Just to see all the things i have yearned for be completely destroyed by what has happened in my life. And when i walk down this lonely path, does my mind wander on its own.

Memories so powerful, that even i can not suppress the thoughts. And it makes me think of the times, when i wanted something and couldn't get it. And the feelings that go behind those very thoughts. And with this, it is always the same.

Funny, how the memories can be different, but my feelings aways stay the same. They are always curious, upset, mad, or regret, that flow through my veins. Yet, there is nothing i can do, about these memories, but record, file and hope that they will never come back.

But isn't that a silly hope, since no matter how much you record and file, that they come back,stronger than before. And there is nothing you can really do about it.
I find that i am doing it, once again. Feelings being intertwined with my memories, and the only thing i can do now, is record them. And hopefully at the end of this, to file them, and just pray that they never come back.

But, how can you really keep them at bay? The memories, the feelings. I mean, how do you really keep them separated? Can you, or are they always going to be entangled with one another, that when memories pop up, you have to deal with the memories and the emotions behind it?
And then there is that silly question that pops into my head:"Is that the only reason we have memories,is because of the feelings we had as children and such?" And if that is the case, what matters more, the memories that we hold inside of ourselves, or is it merely how we deal with them?

For some odd reason these thoughts come into my head, quite a lot. I think to myself,"that i (i)think way too much on it", but then again, i merely ponder on this, when memories come up.
i And you are right. My memories tend to come out of nowhere, and it is mostly silly triggers that make it spark out of nowhere.

But enough talking on thinking of memories and such, the point i brought it up, is that, it just came to me, once again. And that, in life, we expect it to be perfect, when we are young. But for some of us, like me, you never have seen it, be perfect.
So i merely brought up the fact, that if memories and feelings go together, then what happens when some of us don't see the world as others do. Does that make us bitter people, later on in life? Or does it, make us open up our eyes, more so, to know how this world runs?

As for how i think on it, i think for some, it makes them become bitter people in the end. Just seeing all the corruption in their life, just wither away, because they never had any protection, any nurturing in their life. Sure, like me, you can say that. And say,"Hey, why arnt you bitter then, if you never had that?"
Well, i think it is my outlook on life. And that in some small way, i did have nurturing in my life, without really realizing it, til my adult years. I had God in my life, ever since i was a child, but more so in my adult years. He was the only one, who has helped me through my time of needs, and He will always do that.
Sure, my outlook before that, was sorta rotten, sorta bitter. Because how else was i suppose to see it? I had no one there guiding me, and making me think on positive things in life, instead of always focusing on the bad. And after a while of some guiding and praying along the way, i finally met my fiancee. (Now that is a different part of the tale, i will get back to). I just wanted to sorta introduce the next person, who has shown me kindness in my life. And made me question what was good, and what was bad, for the most part.
I wanted to show you, that it took at least two people in my life, to show me, attention, to show me that there is good in this world as well.

And that is what i am trying to get at. People who have always had a perfect life, will later on, become mad, when something does not go right at all. (And that,there will be a lot of times, i assure you.) And these type of people, will always ponder or cry or whine, why life isn't what they expected it to be. It's because they have never really dealt with hardships in their life, until they hit, what, teenage years. And even at that time, its only teen angst, that makes them "hate" the so called world.
And then you have people like me. Over the years, you just get use to the world, always tripping you up, in some way or other. And you just deal with it, as it comes along.

Do you think that is weird at all? To deal with these little things in life, like that? Because at times, i think its weird or scary to even feel these kind of emotions, or how i even deal with things. I guess you ponder on it a lot, when you think, this isn't how you are suppose to deal with things.
But the real question is, how are you suppose to deal with things?Is there a guide book that tells us, that we have to deal with each emotion this way or that way? And if we don't, does that mean, we are outsiders and maybe alien to the world, for not coping with things, like everyone else does?

Yes, i am merely generalizing a lot of things, because well, these are my feelings and thoughts, when things arise inside of me. I guess you can say, this is how i tend to deal with things, and to question what has gone on, or going on in my life.

But, i think you can get an idea, what goes through my mind, when things like this arise, inside my core. You get a little glimpse of some of the battles i wage inside myself. You get to see, with each memory that comes up, and what emotions that tie with them.

But what i don't like about it, is that, i feel like I'm replaying these memories all over again, in real life. Like it is happening again, and it shakes me to my very core. And it scares me to death, that somehow i have to cope with these feelings once again.

It's good to have someone help you through your bad times, but you need to do most of the helping.You cant just rely on that person all the time. It will just bog the person down, and it will merely just make you clingy. You have to deal with your past and present all the time.And that is the hardest thing you have to do in life. Is fighting those every battles deep inside yourself. That you have to hold down so many things, in order to keep yourself sane in life. How else will you learn, where your boundaries are at, where to test yourself and to make yourself better, from all the things you have gone through?

If people do not have boundaries, then we set ourselves up for more failure in life. We set up, more mistakes that can grow to imaginable sizes, that you may never get out of it. If we didn't have that, how else will we know what is right from wrong? How else will we know that we are different from someone who has killed and enjoyed it? And with each memory we have, and with each thing that happens in our life, we have to make decisions on it. Have to take action, or else,we can become rotten, and bitter inside, and self destruct, until our inside is withered away to nothingness.
That is why, we have limits, that is why we have boundaries, why we have walls up and etc. To keep ourselves from becoming so monstrous, that it overcomes who we are, already.

No comments:

Post a Comment