About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

December 6, 2011

Anniversary of Midnight, RIP, part nine of my memoir

Today memories that are coming up is about my dogs. Mostly my memories with midnight are coming up a lot, since in about another two, three weeks, her anniversary is coming up. So in the winter time, i think a lot about her, and how she protected me, through most of my life.

I just cant believe that she died about four years ago. It still gets to me, even to this day, and i still dont understand why.

                        Oct. 31, 1998-12-6-2008
                RIP, wolfy, i miss you...(wolf/chow)

What can i say about Midnight. well, she was my third dog, i had as a child. First got her, at wal-mart, around Christmas time. I was probably ten or eleven at the time and my family went to wal mart to do grocery shopping. Every time we go there, there are always dogs for sale or free. And we saw that puppies were for free, and mom said, no, lets keep going, because mom would just give in. So we did the shopping and when we got out, we had to cross it, and she saw the puppies. Of course we had to look at them, and all the puppies came up to us, but one. She was sitting in the back,a little upset.
 Mom said, can i see that one, the one in the back. And immediately she fell in love with us, and same with us. We took her home and we kept her.

 That is how we got midnight. And for a while, we had her in the house, and i remember she would whine because she hated being alone in the laundry room. So me and mom stayed with her while she slept. And she stayed in the house for about a month or so, until she got to big for her boots, so to speak.

She loved sleeping on the couch, and she would hog it, and of course i wanted to sit down, so i had to move her, and she didn't like that, so she growled and bit me. Popped her on the nose and made her get off the couch. Of course she didn't like that. But that was basically my second memory with her.
 What really drove her out of the house and into the backyard were these memories i have with her. Which always makes me cry, because i feel sorry for what happened to her. she didn't need to be hurt that much.

 Um, i would say, midnight, is about two or three years old, and on a summer day, these memories took place. For some reason, mom was disciplining midnight for something she had done, but midnight didnt like that. So, she bit my mom really hard, where she drew blood. Mom didn't like that, and boy did mom beat her. Socked her in the side and such, with her fists. And midnight didn't like it, so she bit mom again, biting as hard as she could. Mom didn't like that, so she got daddy involved with it.
 Mom showed daddy what midnight did to her, and daddy didn't like that at all. So, he took a belt to her. chasing her all through the house. Midnight of course was sneaky, and decided to hide under my bed. Daddy found her under the bed, and he decides to pull my bed apart, and making my room a mess. All the while, taking the belt to Midnight. After that, she shoots out of the room and goes outside. From there, Daddy takes a rock to her face. Hits her about five times or so, and she looses her tooth and such.
  I cried my eyes out, for her getting hurt so badly. And after that, mom and dad drops Midnight off at dad's work. I begged mom to keep her and such, but of course mom never listens to me. I didnt eat for a while and always begged to get Midnight back. That went on for a week straight.

Til, mom finally softened, and asked daddy to go to his work, to see if she was there. Mom gets there, in the middle of the night,standing there, calling for Midnight, and nothing. About five minutes or so, see midnight running as fast as she can, and knowing it was mom. Boy, was she happy to see us.
 She was all muddy and what not, from the creek that goes behind dad's work. She was there, waiting for us to come and get her. It was like she knew we were coming back for her. And from that day on, we kept her, no matter what she did. Either it be, biting me, for a simple push to the next cushion, or protecting me.

From that point on, she was always a handful. I remember, that she always loved killing animals. It would  always, be mice, or possums, and her favorite were snakes to kill. Every time one of us girls screamed when there was a snake or something, she always snap her chain and come over, sniffing and looking at us first, to see if we were okay, and when she knew we were fine, she went right after the animal. All you have to say is sick it baby, and she was on it. That makes me wonder, if that is what killed her. Always felt it was my fault for that. Not sure why, maybe it was because i was the one who found her cancer.(i will talk on that when i get to it.)
 Yet, i always remember her, smiling, always remember her, getting into trouble. If Midnight wasnt up to anything, i knew she was sick. And that terrified me. But, i always remember, she always hated lightening. Boy, did she hate them. Every time we had them,and it was every spring, she would always somehow get out of her collar and such. It always amazed me, how she did it. Her nick name was Houdini... and every time the lightening comes, she always wants to hide somewhere, away from her doghouse. Each time, i would have to go out and untangle her, from the fence.

 Those memories stay with me, but i think that, what stays with me more so, is the days that lead up to her death. The days, where she was still trying to be herself, and you could see it, in her eyes, trying to be who she was, a strong willed dog. She wanted to see me happy, she wanted to be there with me. Yet, she couldn't do the things she loved.
  Every time i think on Midnight, i think of how protective she was, and i bet she still is, in Heaven. Giving God and my great-grandpa problems. Because that is how i remember my midnight. I say that, because my family never really loved Midnight, liked i did. And i bet, they don't know, her anniversary is coming up. which hurts me even more so.
 But, the memories that stick with me are these: i remember her being my guard dog. Always go out to play in the dirt, may it be near her, or by her doghouse, she would always stand guard, while i was around. Would dig in the ground, and i could see, if i wasn't near her, that she wanted to be nearer to me, so she could protect me. But, i could see it in her eyes, that she wanted to see me, be safe and such.
 I can remember to this day, that i would sit near her, playing in the dirt, humming or singing, and see her wagging her tail. Knowing that i am content, til i screamed and cried.
 She ran up to me in a flash, got all up in my lap, licking my face, whining and looking into my eyes, to see if i was okay. When she saw that i was okay, she went right for the thing, that scared or tried to hurt me. And she killed the worm, just for me. I think that in itself, shows me, how much she loved me. Always trying to calm me down, when she knew i was upset and always wanted to be by my side.
 And yet, i feel somewhat guilty, that i didn't see her more often, didn't talk to her when i should of. But, she knew, i loved her, and that is what i wanted most for her. To know that she is loved and that i took good care of her.

 The other memories, were of her was this. I would say, she was about maybe 11 years old, maybe younger. But, her and Tara,my other dog,sired the same liter of pups that year. It was so hard to figure out who's puppies were who's. Each day, i remember walking out, trying to count the puppies and see if they were with the right mommy.
 It got pretty chilly out, and Midnight, kept her pups warm, by putting them under her. One night, i think in Dec. or so, she killed her runt on accident. Oh my gosh, did that break her heart. I knew that day, she cried and felt bad for doing that. All because she wanted her puppies to be warm and safe.She felt so bad for it, and didn't know how to cope with it, that she had an idea.
 My other dog, Tara, had the same exact runt, and she never took care of her puppies. And somehow, midnight, broke her chain, and stole Tara's puppy. The only reason i know this, is because, i would count Tara puppies, and i would always miss one. And i thought it was strange, and tried to figure out where the pup went.
 So, i thought well, let me check midnight babies, and sure enough, it was with her. She would growl at you, if you were about a foot in front of her house. She had already laid claim to the puppy and would not give it up. So, i had to endure getting bit, to get the puppy back. And sue enough, Midnight would snap the chain again, to get the puppy.

I would say about four days into retrieving the puppy back and forth, that we gave up. But, these are a few things, you see how Midnight was. Sure, she was temperamental, but you know what, that comes with the territory, and also her being wolf/chow. I think if she wasn't temperamental, i would always think, what is wrong with her. Because i grew accustomed of who she was, and that would always be a snippy but protective dog.

These things, always make me want to have her back. Want to know if she is okay. And these next few memories, are going to be hard on me, so please bear with me. I can only take a few things at a time.

(Takes a big breath and lets it out). I would say it was today, Dec fourth, four years ago from now, when i found out, she wasn't well at all. I went out to feed her and give her fresh water, like i always did. I petted her, and i saw this huge lump on her jaw.
 I was so shocked, i didn't give her water or anything, but ran back in and told dad, what happened. He came back out, and Midnight is licking me, but not the way she use to. At first, i told daddy, i thought it was an abscess tooth, since she always got it. But, daddy, shook his head, and said, no honey, thats not it. Its cancer.
 I shook my head and said, no, its an abscess tooth. And i kept saying it, because i didn't want it to be true, that she had cancer. i didn't want to think it was, since i was the one who found it. But, Midnight sat there, in agony, but she came out of her house, wagging her tail, licking me, saying its okay. I pet her, and said, I'm sorry honey. I wish i could help you out. And from there, daddy said, i will take her into the docs tomorrow, since it was too late to take her in that day.
 So, i fed her and gave her water, but she rarely ate anything. And it worried me. I must of stood out there for a long time, since i knew something was wrong. I think she was glad, that i stood out there with her.
 But, the next morning, i went out with daddy, to see how she was, and it was really bad. It was all up in her eye, swollen it shut, and she couldn't see out of it. And it already hit her lungs, making her gasping for breath. I was bawling my eyes out, like i am now, saying I'm sorry honey, it will be okay. Yet, i knew deep down, it wasn't okay. But, i had to say it, to keep her comfortable and that nothing was happening.

So, daddy took her in to the vets. Said, she had the fast acting cancer a dog could get. Which was true, in one day, it spread to her lungs and eye. And they told daddy, they could prolong it, for about a month or so. With the medicine and what not, but said, no matter what, it was going to kill her.
 Daddy, did the right thing, and said, i don't want her to suffer. I want her to be in peace and to eutinize her. Daddy came home and told us this. We were all crying, and making peace with Midnight. In fact, daddy let her in the house. that is how bad it was. Letting her lay on the couch and such, and letting her be comfortable. That night, she slept with me, in my room, and i will cherish those thoughts forever.

 And then, early, Dec.6, daddy took her to the vets. He didn't want us to come with him, and see her die. which i thank him, every time he has done that with our dogs.But, he took her down there, and he was with her the whole time. Petting her, and saying, just relax. But, i think what got me, was when daddy got home.
 He told us, she is in Heaven now. And i bawled my eyes out, like i am right now. Saying, she went with a fight. Told us, it took two shots for her to go to sleep. She was worried about me, she didn't want to go without seeing i was alright.

And i think that hurts most of all. Is to see her, be herself, or try to be, til the end. She didn't get to see me, and to tell her its okay. But, i don't think i could of took it, the way i was with her. But, those memories, stick with me, and i hate seeing her in my minds eye, with the cancer. Her trying to wag her tail and she couldn't because she was hurting. It hurts me, to see my baby, be in pain.

And when daddy got back, he went out to her doghouse, and spray painted the date she died, and RIP, love you so much. Kept the doghouse for some months. Me, always going up to it, and touching it, and saying how much i loved her.
 And then they day came, daddy tore it down, and that hurt. Because it was like her grave for me to talk to her, since i couldn't hear her howl anymore. And it made me hate him for taking it down, without any one's consent.

 And so, this is to  remember her in her death and such, i dedicate this to her. She is one of two pets, i hold on to dearly, and will never forget in my life. And to know, that i still love her and that she is always with me, in my memories. That are locked up especially just for her.

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