- I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.
June 30, 2011
I tell her my problems and she writes maybe one two little words. Okay this is where we go down hill. Okay, takes blood pressure and my vital signs. Okay fine in that area. She goes and i have to get in the damn gown. Hate that part. And subtle asks me oh pee in the cup. Glares, not good. Leaves while i did that, and i put it where it is suppose to go.
Okay i sit there waiting as patiently as i can. Look at the pee cup, still sitting there after twenty minutes, then thirty minutes rolls around, and its still on the table. Okay not a good sign. After about an hour and twenty minutes passes by she finally comes back and guess what Ashley sees, you guessed it, iv and blood tests. Oh joy for me. NOT! She comes back after taking the pee, finally.
And rolls out the tourniquet and what not. I'm like okay, lets get this over with. I sit up since I'm kinda use to doing that, and i tell them not once but three times, take the blood from my RIGHT arm. not my left. Did they listen, nope. Went directly to the left arm, she poked me, boyyyy did that hurt, and not only did she do that, but she wiggles it around and even further up the arm. Now by this time I'm trying not to pass out, and throw up. I was so fucking dizzy. And to make matters worse, she is like okay I'm going to pump some air into it. Oh great, so she connects it to the needle and makes it hurt ten times worse. I look at Daddy and I'm about to cry. She finally takes the needle out and puts the little gauze on my arm, and drops my vial. Nice move. Picks it up, but takes her hand off the gauze, nice move there, not.
Then they go for the tape, I'm like, i cant have it, I'm allergic to it, then try getting me the other tape. More i think of it, i am allergic to that as well, thank goodness she didn't put that on me. Puts on the red gauzy tape and proceeds to the right arm. I'm thinking at this point, about time. OH man am i soo wrong on this. So she goes to the next arm and cant seem to find a vein. I tell her go for the huge vein on my lower arm, its where every one takes it. She looks but doesn't see anything. So she goes and gets another person to do it.
At this point I'm thinking okay they can get it and i can be out of here. Fine lets get it done. The guy comes in and acts like he is going to do surgery on me. Propping things up, jacking up the damn bed really high, puts up the rails and everything. I'm like why are you doing this in the back of my mind but he just keeps doing what he wants. He goes out for a second and I'm just staring at Daddy with my eyes, saying what the hell is he doing now.
He comes back and he takes my arm and i have it hanging there and he gets pretty close to it. My hand actually brushed his you know what twice and i jerked away. Does that probably another two times, and he pokes me, wiggles the damn needle around and gets nothing. So he tries or looks for another place to try,pokes me another time, says fuck it and goes away.
I wait there and then someone else comes in. She says, she is the supervisor nurse and that she can get it. We chat a bit, was friendly till i got to the parents are abusive part. She got quiet and guess what, still cant get it. Guess what they do, wiggle it and dig it deeper into me. I just cringe on it.. and she says well i cant get it. I only do it twice, which she did and said that's enough. I'm going to have to get the lab tech. Before the lab tech comes in, she comes back with two stuff animals, since i had tiger and lambie, which are my animals with me, she came in and said here you go this is for abusing you. I'm like okay. Daddy and i play with the stuff animals and waited, once again.
About twenty minutes later, the lab tech lady comes in. She finally gets some blood out of me, and it starts clotting up about ohh half way through it. She said, Damn girl. Because it only filled all four vials less than half way up. She is like well i think this is enough. I'm like finally.
They go and i have to lay on my side since I'm hurting a lot. Then two minutes later someone comes in and says well we are going to do a pelvic exam. Oh fun.
Well i told the lady shes gonna have to wait a second, I'm hurting here and have to flip back on my back. I did that, man did that hurt. then made me scoot all the way up, and then started getting things ready. I'm sitting there waiting and i just hear all of this stuff going on, and the doc comes in and starts doing it. Okay now here is the fun part, he just pops the fucker right in, no relaxing nothing just bam. Which hurt like a mother fucker.
Then as i hear from Daddy later, the fucking thing broke. Great and he didn't know what he was doing, and kept looking at his watch. Yea, not good. The nurse is acting like a serious nurse, asking like do you need this doctor, or here doctor, this. Which was sorta funny.
Then he starts talking unprofessionally. Saying whats moving, and it wont sit still. Said look at this nurse, it just keeps popping. At this point, I'm like just get it done. Finally swab me for STD'S and etc. and says, literally, well since the anal is here lets just do that, and without warning just pops the fucker in.
I'm crying at this point, because he doesn't do it once, he does it twice. Says nothing from the pelvic nor the anal. And just leaves. But i think the thing that got on my nerves the most, was when i was spread open, the nurse kept going in and out of the damn room. And they didn't bother to put the curtain around me at all. Came close to cussing her ass out.
But, they just leave and I'm sitting there crying, because the pain is ten times worse now, and i have nothing to take it away. Daddy was there the whole time with me, rubbing my arm, kissing my head, saying its okay. The doctors kept trying to push him out. I got pretty mad there, he is my fiancee and i say he stays and I'm glad he did.
After a few minutes, the doc comes back and says everything is normal, and looks at me weird for hanging on the side of the bed. And ask whats wrong, I'm like duh, I'm fucking hurting, why do you think i came in, to blow money and just make things up.
Then comes back and says well the blood work and everything came back negative and not sure what it is. So, he just kinda blows air for a second or two and then Daddy starts talking to him, since no one wants to believe a word of what i say, and then hes like, at the very end asks, well do you want a colonoscopy or the hemorrhoids and follow up with a stomach doctor.
I glared at his ass and said not the colon thing and hes like well you may have too. I just give hm a mean stare. He is like what do you want, i lay my head back down and, just said do what the fuck you want. I'm tired, hungry and just want to go home.
So he kinda rocks back and forth on his heels and looks at his watch and says in his own words, well why don't we say its hemorrhoids and call it a day. I'm like fine, go away. Before we left Daddy asked if i could have a painkiller pill, but they look at me and said well we can do the iv, but don't want to stick her and i didn't want it either.
Two hours for four vials of blood,and Two nurses,one supervisor and a lab tech, yea probably same amount for the iv. No thank you. But they gave me a fucking prescription i have to fill out to get the pain meds. Like wth.
I'm so use to Gallatin's, where they ask what you want and go to their little medicine cabinet and give you a pill right then and there. NO IVs. But finally they let me go, yay thought i was on the home stretch, NOT! I get out and then i have this rude lady, like Ashley i need your insurance info, I'm like i don't have any. So i just go over, and she is like sit, and I'm like no I'm hurting and gives me a weird look. Then she goes on with the stuff, and asks for a phone. Yea, I don't have a phone, told her that like seven times, i know what her game was, but i really don't have a phone. Hell I'm poor, if i come in with no insurance that means i don't have money. I got asked if i worked, like ten times maybe, if not more than that. So Daddy just shut her up and gave his uncles phone number. Then shes like okay you are done. Yea thought there was suppose to be all this info you needed from me. Glared at her pretty mean and just went. Walked straight home, which took a bit.
Time i got out it was close to eight am. Not feeling so well and cuddling with my animals. I got two free stuff animals from the hospital as a bribe. But that isn't going to take away the soreness, the mental stuff and how i am feeling. I know i am reporting this, and it wont go unheard. But that is how my day sorta went..
June 27, 2011
Okay i started going back on Collarme, to find friends and to talk to people since wire club is being stupid enough teens on it. Yes, i know, i have said multiple times that Collarme is the same way, but i dont know, guess i need a different pace. Well maybe i am wrong but i don't know. Anyways, was looking through the profiles to see who would be cool to get to know and etc. And i keep coming across profiles that say: "to use and abuse" "Slaves who are property and know that they are". This kinda upsets me to still see this. Yes i have made a comment on this on my collarme account and of course i am doing it again, but this is going else where.
Okay here is the start of my rant. I am a little upset but more upset than anything. I still see that there are posers, fakes in the lifestyle. People who truly think that abusing is part of the lifestyle and also the property part as well. See as you all know, i am a slave in the lifestyle and you may have not known but i have been abused for almost all my life. So this does hit a patch with me that i tend to not and try to think about.
But anyways to the ones who say, "to use and abuse", this really irks me.If you have ever been in an abused home or been abused by anyone then you know what abuse and B.D.S.M is about. IF you are in it, i mean. Abused is for those who do not have a right to say no when they are being abused. People who are in it are isolated and are pretty much by themselves. So when someone says,"use to abuse" you really shouldn't be in the lifestyle. The whole point of B.D.S.M is that it is consensual. You should know what that word means. It does not mean to take the power, it does not say to abuse the slaves/subs in the lifestyle. But in fact is a choice for the slaves/subs to be in the lifestyle and to choose to have a Master/Mistress in the lifestyle. That doesn't mean you should be a matt. It doesn't mean that you will be used with any force that you do not allow.
Why do people think it is alright to abuse people in the lifestyle?I've had it a couple of times, Masters saying well they are the bottom and do exactly what the Master does. That isn't true. Because it is a choice of their WILL to whom they want to serve. It is a mutual agreement, not one sided. The ones who think like this i hate to say it, are Fakes and posers. If you do not know exactly what you are doing then i think you should step back and learn about B.D.S.M a lot more before ever experiencing in it. Yes it is power exchange, but it is consent on both or more parties that are in it. Doesn't mean you can take whatever you please. That is being on the abusive side and that isn't what B.D.S.M is about.
Okay next part of the rant. The ones who think that all slaves/subs are property. Hm now this makes me mad as well. Since my feminist ways come out a little but i think its also because of the rapes and stuff that has happened in my life that brings this out. WE HAVE A RIGHT TO OUR BODIES. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT AND ETC BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE PROPERTY. That part really annoys me. We arnt meat on sale to be eaten or to be looked upon. Being a slave is so much more than just looking pretty for O/our Masters/Mistresses but to please them and make them happy. There is more things than being property,if you are thinking in those lines.
I truly think that you have to have a clear mind and a lot of understanding of what B.D.S.M is truly about. It isn't about sex and it isn't about taking power. It is consent of giving up O/our power for O/our Masters/Mistresses. The people, and yes, many Slaves/subs who have said it a lot on Collarme and other places to be used and abused, truly don't want that. You know why? Because me and Daddy have talked to women who act like slaves and said this, and they get exactly what they want. You know what that is? A controlling abusive person. And they whine saying its not what they wanted. Then clearly you should know the definitions to both and know that they are two different things.
I advise the ones out there who think this, you really need to learn before you speak. Think of the consequences before you even type those words. Because in the end you will regret it. And who will you blame? Probably not yourself, but the people who treated you like dirt. So again, think before you speak,type or whatever and maybe you will have a better experience in the B.D.S.M lifestyle.
I think that sums up what i was thinking on that. On to other important things. I haven't been doing to well the past few days. I have some how hurt my foot. Put any pressure on the toe and i collapse from the pain. I'm not even sure how i hurt it. I'm hoping that it is a sprain and will go away in a few days. Or i may have to see what i can do for it.
Also, kinda finding out that some of my suppressed memories are trying to surface. But i guess its been like this off and on for about thirteen years. I keep hearing mumblings of guys around the house, and i think its the t.v on and go to check it out and nothing is on. Ive been experiencing this since i was ten years old. I don't know if it will ever go away but it kinda startles me. It makes me loose sleep and makes me very anxious. I really don't want to deal with the memories that are being suppressed. probably why they are like that. But i just don't think i can handle them right now. I know some of them wants to come up, but its like just go away. It seems like it only comes out when I'm really nervous, angry or sleep deprived for a while. So who knows what the heck i can do for that.
I really don't want to go and see someone, since no one really helps me anyways.
Oh, almost forgot. I'm still reading The Invisible Ring by Anne Bishop. I must say it is one of her boring books i have read. Ive been reading it for about a month now, and I'm thinking okay it can just end now. It is very slow and just kinda drags for me. It is very different from her other Black Jewel books and i wont recommend anyone reading it. Read her other books in the Black Jewel trilogy. I'm still trying to give the book a chance, but it looks like its not going to happen. Who knows maybe it will, until it does i will just keep going at a slow pace with it.
Other than that things are going okay, i hope they are. Seems like everything else is fine till something else pops up. I think that was all i wanted to say and to get things off my chest, since it has been bugging me for a bit. Until next time......
June 26, 2011
June 25, 2011
Im not sure why there are a lot of cat calls going on. But it is a little annoying. I have never heard this in my life. Dont know how to take it lol. Here in Montana you just sit out on your porch and bam you get all these calls and what not. I think im just a magnet for weird people. Out of the three years of living here i have had more encounters of crazy,weird and drug people come up to me. If i didnt have Daddy i would probably be kidnapped if not killed.
On another note, i have a lot of things on my mind. The uncle i live with is being a butt hole once again. Dont think he will have the money to pay for the electric bill, so the electric may go out, since we have to pay, payment installments, so if im not on, its because of that. Im hoping he will just get his sister to pay it and just be done with it. All i know, is when the bill gets down to zero, it will be out of our name, so i dont have to worry about this. And if electric goes out it will be his fault.
Also its been cloudy here lately, and i know for sure i am burnt like hell. Felt my scalp today and its freakin hot to the touch. Face is probably really red. Will put on the aloe lotion and hopefully it will be okay. Since aloe helps calms down my sun burns. But its that time of year when I get burnt just for being out in the sun for about a minute maybe a little longer. Think its all i have to say today.
June 24, 2011
With this memories flood me of what my family use to do. Memories that i wish i could just get rid of and never remember them again. Then another thing hit me, its like just like the movies are about. Doing it in real life, but you think, yea right it never happens. Well it did. Right in front of every one.
Okay the next bit is a bit more funny than what the above statements were. Okay like i said before hand me and Daddy got food. Well we went Wal-Mart and go to the deli section. I see this nice broccoli salad. Daddy and I were thinking the same thing, to get some. Well the lady asked if we wanted to try some before getting it. I said sure why not. So she gave me and Daddy a little bit and i took a bit. First bit it was okay and i swallowed it. Then the next bit i was chewing it, and then it sunk it, oh my gosh it was horrible. It tastes just like cole slaw. Which i despise with a passion. I was trying to be nice and say it was alright but i just couldnt. I made a face and i just couldnt swallow it. The lady was like spit it out, and im like i cant do that. She was like why cant you, and i almost cried, saying its improper of me to do that. I was almost into tears, but she was nice, once she gave me something to spit it out, she gave me three pop corn chicken to get the taste out. Said i didnt want it, and was crying a bit.
I have never in my life have done that. But i just couldnt keep it in anymore. I really hate cole slaw and other things but most times i can just say its alright and swallow it without tasting it but not that. I was and still am upset at myself for making a scene like that. Memories kinda flooded me, when my mother trained me not to spit food out in public. It was very rude to do that, and if we did that we would get punished really bad for it. So doing that there, kinda made all those memories pop up.I know my face was red and people where looking at me weird but what could i do. Just get the food as possible and buy the food. I also felt like i let Daddy down for making a scene like that. It was like i was a child all over again and that i was going to get into trouble. Hopefully the memories will die down and i can calm down a bit. These past few weeks have been testing me to the very core lol
June 23, 2011
June 21, 2011
I also forgot to mention, before passing the lady and the pimp, we have to walk on the sidewalk that has a lot of pretty trees. Well W/we stopped for a few, since its all uphill, and get to this one tree, and Daddy pointed out this huge ball of dark brown ball. I thought it was part of the tree, but when i put my face really close to it, it was Caterpillars.I have never seen them do that before. It was a huge massive ball, and when i got close to them they did this weird movement, sideways kinda of movement, think they were trying to scare the prey away. But i thought it was so awesome to see that. Wish i had a camera or i would take a pic of it. Im use to butterflies laying the eggs in the trees and then make this weird spider like web, where they are born. But this, they were about an inch long, and all huddled together. I thought it was pretty neat to see that.
Okay next thing that happened, got the food finally, Woo hoo.. and was coming back home. Of course my hip went out and i had to limp all the way home. Daddy said lets just relax in the park, since we have one close by, i was like, sure, since we havent done that in a while. It was all nice and calming till this weird dude comes to the park. Daddy was looking all weird, and says low, a guy was coming up to you, but i really thought he was messing around. Sure enough i turned around and the guy was walking back, since Daddy gave him a mean glare and he went the other way. He was very creepy, and then i see him just walking all around the park. Like circling me and waiting for Daddy to leave, finally W/we had enough of that, and got up to leave. But i pulled out the house key and my taser so if he even tried to do anything funny, would zap his ass.
For people who live here and say this neighborhood is so great, read this and come back to me. Seriously cant even go outside without any creeps, pot heads and weirdos come up to you and do whatever they like. If I did what Daddy wanted me to do earlier in the week, i would of been hurt. Glad i am defiant in ways.... But now im back at home, with my hip killing me. Better to have a hurt hip than anything else.
June 18, 2011
it beats for the pains of just us two
two beats for every drop of rain
counted by the angels, numbered and named
Every name, a forgotten song
weathers untamed, daylight's long gone
and the moonlight, makes your eyes like roses
two tangling, white flames
matching our poise and poses
What's in a kiss
between me and you
like starlight bliss
wishes only for you
and the world is shut off
shut off, for just us two
And the tap-dancing beats
of our feet caught up on music sheets
pulsates down the streets
all caught up in urban blue
Silhouettes and shadows
upon the theater of our love
reflections of two hearts, dancing above
Between street lights and starlight
and everything that's gone wrong
when we are together
we dream 'til dawn
Dark and alluring
a demon upon the ground
glaring and purring
in the darkness I can drown
this forbidden pleasure
romanced by my lover's bound
Stealing away the secrets of my voice
my love always choosing the same choice
and we just dance along
different scenery, but just the same, we belong
We belong from the beginning to the end
from the first moment of perfection, to the eternal depths of sin
and our love is, one of the same
a contrast of, roses and flame
And I'll forgive her, to the depths of my soul
through hardships and, the beauty we grow
imperfections alike, eyes tuned to the same light
quantumly entangled, roses of the night
June 15, 2011
June 9, 2011
The Slaves Prayer
*found a Slaves prayer, which i think is pretty good to go by.
The Submissives Rights
i have the right to set limits, and expect them to be respected.
i have the right to trust, providing I have earned it.
i have the right to expect You to believe I am an intelligent, caring and loyal person.
i have the right to ask for Your attention, without having to misbehave to get it.
i have the right to expect You to administer Your punishment on me with care and caution.
i have the right to question your motives, should You deny my requests, as long as I do so with the proper respect.
i have the right to speak up if I feel O/our relationship is not giving me what I need.
i have the right to tell You what I need in a respectful manner.
i have the right to expect You to understand my reasons for doing so, and the right to expect You to listen with an open mind and heart.
i have the right to walk away from our relationship if W/we cannot come to a common ground on these issues.
i have the right to expect tenderness, love and understanding after a scene is completed, should it be what I desire.
i have the right to ask You for that tenderness if I've had a bad day, or if I just feel the need for closeness.
I understand that there will be times when You and I will disagree about this ~when You will want a scene and I will not.
i have the right to voice my opinion, and expect You to listen to and consider my reasoning,
I expect You to have final word, but i expect You to wholeheartedly consider my feelings, whatever they may happen to be.
i have the right to expect You to understand that deep trust often breeds love, and i expect You not to repel me if i tell You that i love You. For my Master i will love You, should O/our relationship move ahead, should O/our trust continue to grow.
i have the right to expect You to tell me, at any point, if You do not feel You can return those feelings, so that i may decide what i want and need, For it is Your pleasure that adds to my own, and makes it real, And mine, that adds to Yours!
The Submissives Creed
I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience.
I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.
I will not try to manipulate my Master.
I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should.
I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits.
I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.
I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires.
I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused,
I know that submissive does not equal "doormat".
I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives,
I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been,
I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.
I will be responsive to my Master,
I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority,
I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.
I will never think myself a "better" submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another.
I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub.
I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way,
I will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.
Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor,
I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or subhuman.
I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.
*The ones i put in bold and italic are the ones i keep most of all, but this creed is what i uphold and honor my Master.http://shogun_lord.tripod.com/screed.html*