About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

July 27, 2011

Last three days,stressful but interesting.

The last two days,have not been good at all. It all started that Daddy was going on blogcatalog. It is a blog site that he has joined. He thought He found some nice friends and on a subject, which I forget to this day, was chatting on it and was bantering them playfully. When He read the messages, it was full of malice and just plain rudeness, which got out of hand. That night, it seemed everything was going just fine.

Until, He woke up. He started panicking really bad, and was really in a state of shock, I have never seen Him in. It really scared me. I was up all night, holding Him, telling Him,everything will be okay. This is the first time in the four years I have been with Him, that He says He is grateful that I'm here for Him. Glad that He had me, to comfort Him and such. I have never heard this till now. It still is quite a shock that He told me this.

For once in my life, I'm shocked that I am very strong. I cant really put it into words. But for all my life, I have always thought myself weak, even though I stand up for myself and etc. But this, this is completely different. Its like I took a few steps back in my mind's eye and saw how much I had control instilled into me. I didn't know how much stronger I have become in four years. I didn't know that I could be this person. It still shocks me, and how calm I feel inside. Normally,when I try to be in control and be calm, I can be neither one till now.. I'm not sure how I feel at this moment. Its like a bit of shock but also finding out my limits and such.

The past two well three days now, I have been acting like a physiologist and trying to pin point what was making Daddy so freaked out. It took Him two days to figure out I was right..He is slowly getting better now. But I have been taking control lately, and its putting a lot of stress on me, since I'm usually the slave all the time. But I do know when it comes to suppressed memories, that you have to confront them, you have to pin point out why you are suppressing it and such. (I had to do it with Daddy and what not) I just thought I would never have to do this with Him.

I think the last three days now, have been a growing,learning process. Just finding out how much W/we mean to each other. What O/our limits are and how W/we can be there for O/one another. It made me step back a few steps, and look back and see that W/we have come a long way. I really thought at times W/we had distanced O/ourselves. But this has shown U/us, that no matter what happens in O/our life, W/we will always be there for O/one another and such. O/our bound, O/our love has grown so much in the past three days, its a bit scary but then again, its like a refreshing take. Learning new things about E/each other and such, it gives you a new outlook on Y/your partner.

But I wanted to write this, and tell E/everyone who was there to help U/us through this process, I want to thank from the bottom of my heart. Y/you have helped U/us quite a bit. I always say that this lifestyle is a growing and bonding experience and you see it first hand,right here. I hope the people, who are wanting to learn more about this lifestyle, will look at this, and get an insight of what this lifestyle is about.

It isn't about sex, its about the bond Y/you have with Y/your Master and such. It isn't a game. I know I keep saying that a lot. But it is to keep telling people who want to try this lifestyle out for kinks only. It wouldn't be called a lifestyle if it was only for sexual satisfaction. But anywho, I'm rambling now, its time to finish this rant. Until next time...

My thoughts on Paxil.. anti-depressant pill....

Okay,this blog is what i think about Paxil. If you dont know what paxil is, it is an anti-depressant to help with you being depressed. Daddy was talking to a sub today who said that paxil actually works. Even His uncle thinks it works. Hm This is my take on it... from my experience from paxil...(mind you I was only on it for maybe a month before I went cold turkey)

Okay, I am diagnosed with clinical depression and etc. I was recommended and put on paxil. I was like okay, since I have never been on an anti-depressant,so I took the first choice my OBGYN gave me. The first week, you are suppose to take a half a pill, so your body will get use to the medicine.. which I was freaking hyper. No kidding, I cleaned the whole house, top to bottom and I still couldnt sit still.

Then after a week was up, I was to take a whole pill. I really hated that, because it made me so sick to my stomach. I couldnt sleep at all for about a week. My appetite was completely gone, like it usually was, but ten times worse. I was actually doing pretty good,after that week, and was actually pretty happy, wasnt thinking of killing myself and etc.

Until after that, I started becoming numb to the meds. I was breaking out in a rash, so I went to my doctor about it.. but of course these docs here suck like hell. So, I kept taking them.. and I was starting to become numb. I didnt have any emotions, I felt like I was empty inside. I was thinking about hurting myself,just to feel some kind of emotions because I really hated this feeling..

Then this happened.. I would accidentally miss one dosage of my med and im not kidding,within two minutes or so, I would start to become crazy. I heard about maybe forty different voices in my head, telling me to hurt myself, yelling,screaming. I thought I was going insane with it. I would also be more moody with Daddy. Biting His head off on accident and not be me.

After a month of going through this, I had enough of it. At first I prayed to God, asking what I should do, and I kept getting,stop taking them. So I stopped cold turkey. For the next couple of days,Daddy had to take care of me, because I was hearing the voices again.. and it was pretty rough coming off of it.

I think about maybe two months have gone by, was watching tv and saw that they were already having people getting hurt on them. The babies, were having mental damage and such. It scared me, and still kinda does to this day, that if I have children,will it screw with them, because in some way it altered my mind? I know, I worry about things... but how can people say this is a good anti-depressant pill?

After what I went through, when someone says its good to take it, I disagree and tell them what I think about the product. To this day, I deal with my depression on my own. I want to be in control of my emotions, and to actually feel what is going on around me. Daddy has said, that somehow He thinks they have helped in one way. Making me more determined to deal with the stuff on my own, and not to give up.... But I guess you can say that you have to be careful of any kinds of meds you take, not sure what the side affects may be...

Be-littled by a six/seven year old....

Today was suppose to be a nice day to relax at the park. At first it was, was playing catch and a bit of baseball with Daddy. Then about an hour or so, got tired of it, and just sat down. We played catch for another hour or so, and teenagers came, with their dog.. and of course the dog took two of the balls, we had.. and the lady got mad at us. I just laughed because she was teasing the dog, taking him to the park and not letting him play and also not really suppose to have dogs there, because it is right behind the hospital. I was glad the dog had a bit of fun... because I did it on purpose, knowing the dog would like the balls... so I kept playing with Daddy.
After that, W/we relaxed for a long time.. just sitting there watching the sky, and all of a sudden a boy,perhaps six,seven years old comes up to us. Starts talking to U/us. This is how the convo went.(ill say b for the boy and U for U/us)

b:what are you doing?
U.just sitting here,relaxing.
b.are you from here...
U.For now,yes, but not born and raised here.
b.huh?
U.we were born and raised,living,in a different state.
b.so your not from here.
U.W/we live here now...but not born here
b.ok..where are your bikes?(he had his)
U.Dont have bikes..
b.so how did you get here..
U.W/we walked here
b.Have you ever rode a bike..
U.Yes,just dont ride them now
b.Then how did you get here...
U.W/we walked here
b.You dont have a car
U.no
b.so how do you get food
U.we walk there and carry it home
b.where is your home
U.not far from here
b.How old is he?
U.He is 28
b.how old are you?
U.close to 23(boy snubs his nose)
b.So he is older than you
U.yes
b.what do you do for fun then
U.like hobby wise?
b.what are hobbies?
U.you do it just for the joy of it.
b.oh, (walks towards Daddy,)What happened to him
U.(Daddy has his brace on) He injured himself
b.did he bled?
U.no
b.Did he break his arm.
U.no, its work related, and musle problems
b.oh, are you a freak?
U.huh,(mind you, he wasnt being coherent now) and goes on for another few minutes like this..
b.do you eat weird things..
U.huh,um no..
b. I do, I eat toys
U.um okay
b.(laughs)im just playing, I dont eat toys..(im going back to the water area)
U.okay

and that was it. Now it is pretty sad that you are being be-littled by a six to seven year old about Y/your lifestyle and how you are pretty much poor and such. It makes me sad that already in this day and age that kids are being instilled that you need a car to get food and that people should be in their own age group to be with one another.

It really makes me mad, that this happened. I just wanted to go out with Daddy, and calm Him down, but this had to happen. Its like no matter where W/we go, W/we always have idiots,stupidity and such right on O/our heels. Cant W/we have a couple of days to O/ourselves? That is all W/we want... just to ignore what is going on at home. Just to ignore O/our worries for a few, instead of a stupid kid, who thinks he knows everything,but yet cant comprhend what W/we are saying.. yea, and you see why im anti-social for the most part.

I dont fit into this world, and I never will. At times I wish I was, but when I look at this and what happens, im very glad that I do not and will not be apart of the stupid world, people say its great to be in. Maybe its good for them because they are idiots and around like minded people for that matter. But yea, it sucks that this had to happen. Im trying to push this out of my mind, but its kinda hard. Hopefully I can.. until next time.....

July 24, 2011

Metamorphosis of love...

Where has all the time have gone?
In these four years W/we've been together?

All the tears W/we've shed
All the heartbreak W/we had shared
All the confusion that laid ahead
All the obstacles that were scattered about
the windy,sturdy path

The tiniest trickle of tears
spreads into ocean filled pain
that neither of U/us could stand

The tiniest heartbreak W/we shared
was like a mountain in between one another

The tiniest confusion that laid ahead
was wider,deeper than what it seemed
It seemed that mountain of heartbreak and confusion
tried to pull U/us apart
tried to break O/our bound
break O/our love for one another

Yet it is steadfast of what W/we wanted
Of what W/we already knew
just so many obstacles that lay before U/us
makes U/us so much stronger than before

I know for both of U/us
each step W/we take
each word W/we speak
Will always break U/us or make U/us
a little stronger with each passing year
makes U/us grow more so with each passing year

I just dont understand how Y/you stay with me
I dont understand why or how Y/you love me
with every fiber of Y/your being
I dont understand how Y/you can look at me
and still see that girl, four years ago
looking straight back at Y/you

but so much different than beforehand

How can Y/you stay with me?
How can Y/you to even love me
when W/we are in this rut

These are a few things
that walk a complete circle in my head
as I look in your muddy eyes
and see those loving eyes
filled with moisture
filled with sorrow
filled with disappointment
filled with desire

of the things that Y/you want to change just for me
for the things Y/you want to do,to make me happy

This is a test beyond the tests of love
that W/we live each and every day
that W/we strive to be better each and every day
that W/we try to learn from O/one another each and every day
that W/we grow with each day that passes

To understand the other person as much as we can
to understand that what W/we want in life
may never be completed
but all and all
still love O/one another
no matter what life throws at U/us.....

July 22, 2011

Teenagers and the lifestyle......

Okay, now on to my second blog post. I know I have seen this a lot lately, and it is fine time to write about it. Okay, teenagers wanting to get involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Or I should say, the game of it.
I am seeing more and more teens getting into the lifestyle, and then talk to me, saying it isnt what they thought it was. Well duh, because its a lifestyle,not a silly game to be messed with.

This is our society today. Showing that BDSM is nothing but fun and sex. That right there is wrong in itself. It is more than sexual arousal and etc. This is about a lifestyle,mental and physical, and what W/we do in it each and every day. I am getting fifteen year olds, saying that they are already have Masters or Mistresses, and this worries me.

Since the ones, I have talked to, are on Wire Club. They think that this lifestyle is just a game to be played. They think its some kind of kink to just try, like it is some kind of phase, they want to try. I tell them exactly what is on my mind, and with some, it gets blown out of their minds. Because sure, being a slave is fun,when and I mean when you find the right minded people in it, and that you see it as a lifestyle instead of a game to be played.

But,children dont see it as this. They see the media displaying it, as a lot of sexual acts, and not the power exchange instead. So,when I talk to these kids, I tell them exactly what can go wrong, when you are just doing it for games. And they get mad at me.(Which I dont care).Im here to tell people how the lifestyle is, what I do in the lifestyle, how I work around it, my stress and etc. So, of course if you are going to play games, I will bluntly tell you, to back off.

The kids today, need to know that sex isnt a game. That BDSM isnt a game,more so than sex,but of course you cant tell all them that, because they will do what they want. But I will tell you this, if you dabble in the lifestyle and you get hurt, and someone warned you, way before it, then I hate to say it, its your fault, no one else to blame. And its the same with sex and the consequences. But that is funny, no one wants to look at the consequences, they want to see where they can get their kicks. And that is where the mistakes come from.

So, this is what this little blog post is about today. Teenagers, need to be teenagers, and not try and dabble in things that are way out of their reach. When someone tells you something that can hurt you or even kill you, take that into consideration and leave things be.

This is all I have to say for now, until next time...

Advice and thoughts on the lifestyle...

In this lifestyle you walk a fine line. And on that fine line, you see abuse and the right path of the lifestyle. Most walk towards the abuse part, thinking that it's the right path to take. The right way to take Dominance, to take a slave whenever they feel like it. And on that path, they whisper pretty little words, the slave wants to hear. Promising them that they will do everything for them, anything they want, if they are good and come to them, they will get. But what they dont know, is that what lies under those charming little words, is the intent of harming, the intent of abusing the control.

Those who do this, those who are in it, think why did I do this? Why did I take those words and thought this was what a slave is suppose to be. These are the words that most slaves say, when they find out the Dom, or Domme is not what they are suppose to be. They find out,maybe slowly over the years or find out fast, that it was all lies, it was just to be caught in webs and a game of cat and mouse.

I get this from a lot of slaves who have been in the lifestyle for a while or if not that long. Always saying, take a step back from the lifestyle because of what the Master or Mistress has done to them. I say this almost all the time, when I talk to an experience slave or upcoming slave who wants to be in the lifestyle. It is not a cakewalk at all. You walk a very taut line of restrictions,rules and of course the boundary of abuse.

I know this comes up a lot, but truly when you are in the lifestyle, you will always walk that fine line. Because when you are doing a “scene” or doing it each and every day, like me, then you have to cautious of it, have to be wary of how the slave is doing, how the Dom is doing. That is the whole part of what BDSM is about. Communication,Trust, and Loyalty. These three things, will make or break a relationship, yes,even “vanilla” relationships. If you do not communicate what is going on through the “sessions” and such, it can become bad very fast.

The first thing you need to know, if you truly want to be in this lifestyle is why do you want to be a slave or Master? You need to know deep down what you are. When you finally get that, then its time to look within and see what your limits are. This may take some time in finding out what you dont like and what you will do if forced. After you have gotten that, then the next step, is very important. Finding a Master.

Now, I say this is important, because of what I have written above. If you just hop right into it, not knowing anything about the lifestyle and say,”yes” to a Master, who you have not competely known, then this will be wary for you. This isnt a lifestyle, you can play with. Since this is messing with mostly with the mind, sure its physical but what is more than that, is that its more mental than anything. So if you are a person who wants to play games, you can get really screwed in this lifestyle.

Okay, so the steps in finding out who is a fake Master or slave is by this. Start chit chatting with people who say they are in the lifestyle. Talk about anything and everything. If the first words that come out of the Master's mouth is this: “Get on your knee's now,bitch”, then this is a fake Dom. You do not take the control whenever you feel like it. How do you know if the so called slave,you are talking to, or should I say trying to dominate is single and looking? You wont know unless you actually talk to them.

The next thing, to show that the Dom is fake is this. If they start chatting and say,”Hi, there,how are you? Would you like to talk on a messenger?” And then you say,”sure, and you start talking a bit, maybe another minute goes by and he says, “so are you single and looking” and you go,”no, im owned and engaged” and then they leave. This is another fake person. This is just someone trying to get into people's pants and to just get off with the dominating part.

All you are doing,is wasting Your time and you are wasting the slaves time. Sure, you are all thinking, but why is a slave online, chatting in these so called rooms. Well lets think about it, I mean for the real slaves out there. If you are truly owned and are loyal to Your Master, what else could there be. Sure, there is cybering, but that is a bit boring and a lot of limits there, and you know as well as I do, that is just plain fake right there. Then what else could be there, ah, yes, friends. Just trying to meet like minded people in the lifestyle.

But does anyone want to think on that, well,not really. So,lets get on with the fake slave part,shall we. To know that the slave is actually a person, try talking to them, and if they say,” I will relocate or I need money to relocate”,we can assume this is a bot/scam. If you actually find a slave, try to find one with a bit of spunk, not someone who is programed like a robot.(Which most of these slaves are like).

Also, mainly this is for people who are doing this in Real life,or RL. I just dont think dominating for real can be done online. But, I just want to give my thoughts on this lifestyle. Im pretty much tired of the so called Dom's and slaves on here saying they are in the lifestyle, but in reality are not. My mind is at some peace now, and until next time...

July 20, 2011

Who will unleash the Monster within Poem...

In a life time
of dreams and hopes

One single day
one single night
one single dream

can crush every fiber
of our being can tear out our souls

To finely comb through
our bodies
to finely cleanse our minds

we build up another person
another soul that took the place
of the weak ill fated child
we once were

instead stormy shadows crawl into place
instead this emotionless being
stands in the wake of new dreams
of new found hope

but in reality, does this suit anyone?
Does the mask really show us
that being emotionless
makes us stronger
makes us firmer
makes us grow and understand nature
and people with different lives?

Thoughts of being weak
thoughts of being stronger
stir through our minds
each and every day
each and every waking minute

But what makes us
can break us
into something we don't like
into something that we don't know the name of
but fear it all the while

can we truly embrace that?
that darkness everyone talks about?
that shadow, that lurks behind our mind's eye
that droplet of truth
that droplet of sanity
that droplet of morality
that's suppose to makes us who we are????

but lets take it to another notch
shall we...
what if that person
is stripped of truth
is stripped of sanity
is stripped from morality
what do you have instead?

Would it be,emotionless
would it be,more emotions that person cant handle
would it be no morals at all
would it be ruthlessness that takes over

Would they really let that monster
that one monster,slip
and take every fiber of their being
every breathe they have breathed
to change them into this...
to change them into something
they cant fathom?

Is that what they really want?
Or is it something else there
their conscience trying to break free
trying to tell them, what is right from wrong
to whisper some little hint of guilt
they want to get rid of
yet they cant...

Maybe and maybe not
We will never truly know
till one day, we
will unleash that monster
unleash the darkness
within ourselves

and i bet,we will not like
what we will see
what was hiding from us
all that time

wont like what we have created
over the years in innocent trust
and will that innocent be lost forever???

who will ever know.....the unknown of ourselves....

July 17, 2011

A quote or something... about life.....

Life is but an obstacle you have to get through. And once you get through one, you go through another harder one. And each one after that is the same, harder and harder. But what makes life, i think, is what you do with the little things in between.Like showering each other with love, expressing it in poetry and etc, talking to one another, doing things with each other.. just the smallest moments can give us the pleasure we need, to get some relief in this life.

*I like this quote or what had come to mind when i was talking to someone on wire club. Talking about how easy or hard it can be to take care of someone.. and this popped into mind. This could go with any relationship you have.I.e, family,friends,lovers... it applies to everything we do in life.. but what we do and how much we want to make it somewhat comfortable is the smallest things that we can look back on and think we fond memories.*

July 13, 2011

Pressing matters.....

Well i am quite mad as you can say that. I know today isnt the day i found out about this but still its finally sinking in. As some of you know it, there is a huge if but i think it will kick in, that the social security in the US will get cut because you know why, because oh thats right no money.
So twenty million people(if not more) will be out of homes and etc on Aug.3 if this goes through. I have never liked this president and this is the reason why. Ever since he got into office its been him spending money on bull shit. Everything has been collecting up.

In fact last year we had a lot of people with out homes because you got it, not enough money for the whole nation. You know what got hit the most, home owners. Yea we got a bail out, but do you know where that money went to, you got it to most of the car dealers and businesses got it and only about maybe four to six percent of home owners got the bail out.

This is what our nation is coming down too. If you vote for him to stay for another two years, i will tell you this, within half a year we will broke and not have anything left. I advise that these college dumb asses and etc vote for someone else, but that will probably not be the case.

Oh yea, did i forget to mention that this will hit the poor but lets talk about the government paychecks. They havent talked about doing that. Oh yea, they make a lot of money. The president gets about fifty dollars an hour.. now they can cut back his fucking check, and what about the rest of the gov. cut all their checks back. Let them have checks that are about the same as ours, about six to ten dollars and hour. That is fair enough. But no they want to take out the poor. Why else would they hit social security? Hmmm...

But anyways I just had to rant this for a bit, because i feel pretty bad for the people who this will hit.

July 12, 2011

Not having a job rant....

So many deluded people out there today. I just got done reading something off of wire club that So called stuff can be done easily and others cant be. I see it in a different light but of course i get knocked down for it in a way of my thinking.

Okay so the thing was about jobs being a bouncy ball and bouncing back from it. This kinda strikes me since i am looking for work and its been three years. My positive out look on it is gone because who the hell wants to keep that delusion going. I sure as hell don't. So anyways what I'm going to write on is this.

Jobs, most people think it is sooooo easy to get another job. And if you don't have one then you are consider A.) a bum B.)lazy and don't want to get work C.) stupid and etc. But what about those who try their hardest to get a job and never can? What do you call them? Hm.

Yes, this hits a sensitive spot for me since all my dreams and hopes are just hanging right in front of me but i cant reach them because... Ding ding you got it, no job.

The reason i cant get one is because economy sucks like a mother fucker and because I'm in a small ass city that you have to know every one to just get a job. And I'm neither a native here nor knowing anyone. So yes you got it, cant get a damn job.

I've had so many people say go to another city, well I'm so fucking poor, no car for one, so how am i suppose to go to another city? hm you ask me that one, genius.

Two, Ive had people tell me to move. Hm okay, if it is hard for me to get food each and every day, how do you suppose i go to another state? Where is this so called money to get a house and etc? Because i sure as hell don't have money nor people to go too.

This is what gets me. To the people who really need help but never get it. I am one of those people. And it makes me so angry that this little teenagers get all the damn help in the world or have every one love them. While i have shit. Yes, i know i was born to suffer but hell could ease it by having a somewhat easy life, oh wait that is another delusion people want me to live. Yea, not going to happen.

Its like no matter what i do, its like oh your just whining about it, if you really wanted to do something about it you can. SO i propose them my situation and you know what i get for their answers? Oh you guessed it, silence. Nothing, notta. So i think people should keep their damn mouths shut, when you don't know what its like to be in this situation.

To those who think its so easy getting a job, ill tell you this, sure its easy to get one, when your little friends give you a job, have family members know others and you get it, or you have money and went to school. People are just not grateful for the things they get in life. Try actually being in a spot that you don't have any help. That in some way you have to do it on your own. No one would stay in this position for a long time.

I know I'm going to get off topic for a bit, but it sorta ties into this rant. So everyone knows or at least suspects it since of my screen names and such, that I'm in a D/s relationship. And everyone that i talk to on wire club or any where else who are in it, i tell them a lot of things. Like for one cant show any pics, what a shock to that. And two, that W/we don't have a lot of sex.

Ive had quite a lot, if not most of the people Ive talked to just iggy me or leave the chat because they can never handle being in my situation. Its like oh its so horrible to not have sex. No, what it is, is that today's society is nothing but sex addicts. If you don't have sex or don't like it then your a freak. yup, I'm a freak and so is Daddy.

But to that knowledge the reason i brought it up, is that most don't know exactly what i go through, and i really don't like talking about how much my life sucks. The reason I'm on here is to get away from it for a few moments. But of course you get a lot of people assuming every little thing.

But when i do tell just a tiny bit of what i am going through or went through, its like oh i can never go through that. Duh, because one you didn't live at that time and because it will probably never happen to you. So you just ignore it and go on your merry way.

I've had a lot of people ask me if i believe in God. Yes, i do. But you know your faith gets worn out from it as well. Sometimes, i know i do, you just want to relax and just forget everything and not really pray for a while. I do this at times to recollect and get myself back to me. Its just hard to believe that God will help you in your darkest times. I know He has helped but you are like damn when can you intercede again.

Its like you need a vacation from your life, but never get it. And it drives people insane and I'm kinda climbing to the edge with that again. I do try to keep my hopes up but i know in my heart and the back of my mind i know I'm just trying to delude myself for just one minute so i can be calm and sleep and etc.

So next time, people please think before you speak....wait no one does that anymore...

July 10, 2011

Today isnt my day....

Okay I'm going to try this one more time before i completely give up. Not in the mood for it to keep wiping whatever i post. So this is my last time in trying this.

okay, so where was i. oh yea, I'm not having a good day at all. I didn't get that much sleep last night and when i did get to bed i had nightmares. I just want for once in my life, not to have nightmares at all. That is a wish that will never be granted.

So after I'm finally awake, I'm still not feeling so well, but had to get food. Oh fun,not. So i thought today would be a good day to go, since a lot of the dumb ass people would go to the Folk Festival. Boy was i wrong on that. Get to wal-mart and every aisle i went down, everyone just had to go there as well and get in my damn way. At one point i was intentionally going to run over this one lady. She just stood in the middle of the aisle staring at me, like I'm the crazy one,so i thought, fine you want to see a crazy person, you got one. Finally got our food and went to Taco bell, since I'm not in the mood to cook tonight.

After that we are on our way home. Yay, i thought since I'm not feeling so well. Well the dumb ass uncle hits a huge pot hole and about three seconds later the car starts stalling. Oh great, i thought, this is just what i need. So we are basically gliding for now, and Daddy says just pull it over on the side of the road. Does the uncle listen, nope, he keeps going and thinks hey we can get up this hill. okay, you do the math. A car that isn't going and a huge hill, which will win? Ding, ding, the hill wins. You know why, because the car is dead, duh. SO we have our butt in the middle of traffic and just making it hard on other people. (which i really hate)

So we are sitting there, and the uncle is already huffing and puffing, panic attack. Rolls eyes, nothing to worry about. Then he whips out his meds and says i need to take the paxil. Yea, here is the guilting already.(He always does this, like its our fault). Rolls eyes on that as well.

After a few minutes he gets out and asks what could it be. Daddy pipes in and says well the pot hole hit it pretty hard it must of loosen something in the back. Does he listen, nope he doesn't. He pops open the hood and looks. Of course nothing wrong there. And then my worse fears come alive. I really hate being stranded in this city, because once you are stuck then all the homeless, drunk and crazy people come out. And sure enough they did. The dude comes up and like what happened. I'm like great, this is why i want to trek home. Because they just come out. Sigh, so he looks under the hood, and he is smoking, yea great for me and Daddy's lungs.

I step out of the car and just go and sit on the bench across the road. Glad i did, because another homeless,drunk comes up and asks what is going on.( i don't mind homeless people, but here they are really bad, mostly pedo's, drunk or crazy) After a while they try and move the car. I feel sorry for the guys because the uncle is pretty big and they have to push the car. yea, he gets out finally realizing it, and asks daddy to steer the car. It was sad, it took three people to push the car.

Finally got the car out of the way, and the one guy says well maybe you need to hit the restart button. And he asks to look it up in the manual. So finally the uncle does that, and hits it and it starts up fine. He had to call up his buddy to tell him not to come at all.

I was pretty worried the whole time, for one it was almost night time and this city isn't the safest to be out at night. Two i was worried the cold food would spoil and of course the uncle wouldn't reimburse us for it. Also i kept thinking, i just want to walk home. It is the same distance maybe a few more inches farther than what i do walk. But of course the uncle didn't want to do that, since he doesn't walk at all. Plus he said to not leave him.

That kinda made me mad because he only thinks it's OUR problem when he is in trouble. But once me and Daddy are in trouble, then its just me and daddy's problem not his.Why it makes me mad. I hate people who think that every little problem they have, want you to be there and help but once you are in a situation they think well its yours not mine. And go on their own way. They only care about them-self but no one else's feelings and etc.

One reason why i want out of here, so bad. Plus another thing that is coming up, is that he is going on a bi weekly payment instead of him getting it every week. Me and Daddy are thinking that he just trying to make an excuse to not give us the food money.(which is our money in the first place) I just really hate living here. I really truly want out. I wish we could get jobs and just get out of here and be on our own. See once we had money, we were doing just fine. I really wish God will help us soon enough. To get us back up on our feet.

Two more things before i end this. I got punished yesterday, for back talking Daddy. I really didn't mean it, but i haven't been feeling well and i was in a grumpy mood. He punished me by biting my lips pretty hard, which kinda hurt to this day. I'm trying my hardest to be better, but it kinda sucks when you are in pain.

Then to the next thing, I'm still reading the Terry Goodkind book. I'm about a hundred some odd pages and its really good. I pretty much hooked on it. It reminds me of his TV series, Legend of the Seekers, wondering if it is from that. But all and all will be reading all his books. Glad i found another author to like.

Okay this is the end of my rant. until next time...

July 7, 2011

Watched Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence......

Okay i went downstairs to watch some t.v. with Daddy and he had it on i guess the PBS world. Which has some good shows on it, but not this one. I come down and they are talking about ferrets. Okay, i like ferrets, so i start watching it.

At first it seemed alright, the women who had the ferrets would bury them or cremate them and keep them in the house. I thought that was sane.
Now here comes the crazy part, on a commercial, Daddy informs me that, this one lady said, that the ferrets had their own Heaven called, " The Rainbow Gate". This is where my confidence in these people start to drop.

I try to ignore it at first, I'm like okay, its just one nut, this i can ignore, but as the show progressed, i came close to crying. Because they are man handling the ferrets for one. Two, these people don't love these animals, they are just prizes for them.

Like for instant, they were talking about the show. Which i didn't even know they had, till now. Apparently all these people go there and try to win show for their ferrets. They kept showing the ferrets, and they were miserable. A couple of times, they dressed them up, and you looked into their eyes, they were like,"get me out of this". Some actually bit, which i was saying, yes, do it again.

They keep them in the cages a lot of the time, which you arnt really suppose to do. They are like all other animals, they need to exercise and etc. Another thing, that got me, and i think i cried a bit. Is that before the show, some people actually turned up their AC to make the ferrets coat thicker. Now that is just plain mean. You do know that screws up their bodies.

Another thing that they do before the show, is this one lady, used her regular shampoo on the ferret. To give the coat a glossy color. Well hello, they have animal shampoo for a reason. The reason being is that fur and hair are two different things. Have to different make ups and if you use human shampoo on an animal, it screws the fur up. It makes them smell bad for one, and two, you are just killing the fur, and probably in the end gonna hurt them even more so.

These people say, oh, how much i love my ferret. But when you look into these people's eyes, you don't see any love. It was like when they didn't hear their name being called, for a ribbon, they were disappointed and kinda manhandled their animal more. But once they did place, the ferret got all the lovings and such.

I hate to say this but this is animal cruelty at its finest. I mean, the reason we have pets is to love them, to take care of them. Not to be so obsessed over them, and that they should be just that. They arnt trophy's. But i guess no matter what there will be cruelty every where. I just cant handle seeing it though.

Tired of this "Ginger" thing coming up.......

Okay in the past i could ignore it, since stupid people are always out there, but this is becoming ridiculous. Daddy is on twitter and tells me that "Gingers" is trending. I mean what the hell, and it is them who are trending it. Why are we making a huge deal out of it?
Who really cares if you have red, blonde, black, brunette hair. Who really gives a fuck, oh wait, teenagers do. Since they have all petty problems that this arises. I mean come on, what is going on with our society. That since no oppression is going on, that someone has to make up a stupid one, and be hated for it. I mean seriously, can we stop with the stupid shit, and look at the bigger picture, but i guess I'm dreaming on that.

The reason this makes me mad, is that yes, a little bit of my heritage is Irish, and i was born with red hair, but then turned black and then went to dirty blonde and it stuck. And i am proud to have Irish and all the rest of my nationality, i guess you can say that's what i am. So why are we hating on the "red haired" people? (No other way to put it. ) I mean come on, what are you going to call me, since I'm in the B.D.S.M lifestyle, an owned slave, who is also gothic and etc? hmmmm....

All i do know, is this really needs to stop. I mean come on teenagers please stop the petty squabbling and see that there is more problems out there, than who has red hair or not. I wish my life was so fucking petty that i could do this... but yet i am mature and look at people's personality instead of what color hair or whatever they are.

Today's teenagers are really petty, stupid and just plain ignorant. It's like after the eighties and early nineties, the next generation of kids just became really stupid. And you can blame it on a lot of society, Internet and etc.
Society gives them the freedom to do what they want, and that is being annoying ass kids. Getting into people's faces and start stuff. If it was like back then, we would of just popped them in the face and they would stop, but now a days, you have so many fucking laws that it isn't funny. Also it is parents who give them this freedom. Let them do what they please and that is being ignorant. I mean does anyone raise children anymore? Apparently not. Sigh..

Okay, I'm kinda getting off topic, but still this is just so stupid. And they "hate" these kids with a passion. The question is why? What made them hate them to the point of throwing rocks and what not? I think its pretty lame, and I'm okay with you being proud if you are Irish and etc, but please stop posting," I am a Ginger and proud". That is just starting stuff. Who really cares if you have red hair? Who cares what you are. Just be yourself.. but now a days, no can be that.

July 5, 2011

What is on my mind lately....

Sorry i havent been on lately. I still havent been feeling all that well. So ive been trying to relax and hoping my stomach would be better. Seems like some days it is okay but then others it isnt. I still dont know what is going on with it. Daddy got me vitamins and sunflower seeds where there is iron in it. I've been taking them and hoping that is the solution to why it is hurting so bad. It seems like it helps calms down my stomach but it acts right back up when i eat anything. So im eating pretty light, since for one it is stinking hot out and two because i dont want it to hurt so much.
I really do hope it gets better. Sigh. Okay on another note, I had a pretty good fourth of July. Before the third, W/we tried to shoot fire works but couldnt. Just didnt know where to shoot them off at, since Daddy's uncle got pretty dangerous ones. W/we went to a park here, which was a good place to shoot them but it was sorta a fancy park and closed at ten p.m. So W/we only got to shoot off some for maybe like ten minutes or so. And of course got bit by misquotes a thousand times. Not even funny, espically when im sorta allergic to them. So after that W/we waited till the third. W/we went up town, maybe like five minutes away from O/our house and went to that park. Which was pretty nice. W/we did the fire works for about two hours and then stop since the public fire works started. W/we watched them, which wasnt too bad.
What was surprising is that i did some fire works. Usually im the one who just holds the fire works and Daddy and his uncle shoot them off. But Daddy wanted me to, and i was like sure why not. So i shoot off some of the spinning things. Which was fun, but burnt myself probably seven, eight times. The punks are freaking dangerous lol. After that W/we went home, and of course go upstairs and i look at my legs, im bitten so many freaking times by misquotes. Somehow i dont remember them getting me. Ugh, I was just trying to forget my pain for a bit and have some fun, which it hurt like hell. But i wanted a good memory with Daddy. :)

So on another note I found something out, which didnt really surprise me, but sorta made me upset. Well Daddy found the uncle internet bill on the couch and he read it. It shows that W/we are behind by a couple of months. It needs to be paid, but since the uncle just wants to pay the electricity because he has too or it goes out or choose the internet. I think its pretty stupid. He has enough money to buy his food which he racks up to a whooping four hundred bucks. In two weeks. And then buys anything else that he doesnt need. Like he goes to bsw each day and buys things he doesnt need, for about twenty plus dollars. Never uses it. And on the food, he only eats a bit of it and then lets it goes to waste. I sure wish we could do that. Just let O/our food go to waste whenever we feel like it. But W/we cant. Oh because its just stupid to not eat any of it and like you are just throwing your money away. He is upset because he has to pay a lot of money on the electric. Well shouldnt of let it go down the tube. It was only 90 some odd dollars for a month but since he let it go and thought the Gov. will just pay it, that it is racked up to paying 170 a month. I dont know why he thinks its okay to let bills go unpaid. I just think its unfair. When Daddy had a job he was paying all the stuff in the house. W/we paid the electric on time, we paid the internet, the rent etc. W/we didnt gripe about it. And on top of that made less than the uncle. So we paid for everything and got O/our own food. So if we could make it on that, then the uncle can surely make it on his. He makes more than Daddy ever made.
But the reason he cant pay the stuff is because A.) He is a big baby. B.) He uses his money on useless stuff. C.) Gets everyone else to pay it instead of him. Sigh, i just wish W/we can get out of here soon and just be on O/our own. I know that he has money because he is thinking of flying back down to his sisters place. And you have to have money for that. It is nice to get a break from him and all his damn drama. It gives me and Daddy about two weeks to do O/our D/s relationship more freely and be actually happy and content.

Oh almost forgot. I am reading the Wizards first rules series by Terry Goodkind. It is really good. Im on about chapter three already. I love the fantasy in it. Kinda makes you wonder what is going to happen next and i love that in a book. I have had always heard good things about him and i finally decided to pick up his books and read them. Glad i did. Im the type of person who really doesnt like wizards and dragons in fantasy, since they are done so many times and you really cant be original with it. Kinda gets monotonous but once someone does it in a good way then i can get into it. This is one book that i can. The only other dragon or dragon fantasy i love is the movie, Dragon Heart.

On the other books... that i am reading. Okay on the Black jewel trilogy, I havent really read anymore of it. I may pick it up soon enough. I mean it is alright but this one isnt one of her best books. It is alright for what it is, but it could really pick up. I'm about probably a hundred pages into it and its not picking up. She barely talks about Dameon and not any of the other characters that she made up. Its like she got onto this different idea and made up these other characters. If you are going to do that then make it a different series with them in it. You already made this story with the main characters so why not talk about them and about their past. I just dont get it. If it is the very first book of the series, you would think it would be about the characters she has already made up. Nope, its about different people but the same surroundings and such. Maybe that is why i just cant get into this book. Who knows maybe it will pick up, i hope it does.

On the next book, I am reading Middlemarch as well. Yes i read about five to six books at once. But anywho Middlemarch is really good. Im on about chapter six or so, i know im reading these books slowly, since im not feeling so well. You would think i would read them a bit more since im not well but that isnt how i am. I like to read them when im not in pain and in the mood. This book is a Victorian Era book, which i love so much and it is pretty good. i know most will say its boring but it is a gothic tale, and that is what i love so much. I love the old gothic ones, kinda keeps you gripping on the edge for more. And this book exactly does that.

Now this book that im reading is with Daddy. (Gasp) Surprise huh lol, i know i am. He never reads books. I mean W/we tried reading books together but he is soooo picky. But this one, it is called Sodom and Gomorrah In Search of lost times. It is another classic and seems very interesting. I like the metaphors of the flowers, which represents sex. Very interesting how he had written it. W/we are on Chapter two of that novel and hopefully soon enough to read more of it. Hmm i think this is the end of my little rant for today. Until next time....

July 4, 2011

Happy Fourth of July, guys

well today is Fourth of July and i wanted to say Happy Fourth of July to everyone. Yesterday got to see the public fireworks here, which were alright, and shot off some of our own. It was pretty fun having a little outing. I want everyone to have a safe Fourth of July.