About Me

My photo
I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

January 30, 2012

Learning about E/each O/other flaws...

Well, i had a very good talk with Daddy today. It has been a while since W/we talked like that. Well today it was about E/each O/other flaws. At first when He was talking about mine, i was really upset in the beginning. I thought of myself as a monster and such. And i really cried on that.

But, as He kept talking, i accepted that i need to learn about my flaws. I know i don't like hearing about them, but He was doing it in a nice way. He wants me to be better, and He thought that if He told me them, then it would get me to change a lot. So, W/we talked about E/each O/other flaws. 

He told me what He thinks i need to change on. Which as He stated is all the ones i see, but a few i didn't. He says i need to learn how to improve myself without Him, in ways, need to learn things without saying i cant do that.Which i have had that problem ever since i was a girl. I don't like that flaw of mine and as i told Him, i don't know how to begin with that one. 

Also, how i am one way with my mother and another with other people. And i think with that, is that i have to always be so cold towards my mother. Each time i have talked to her, i have to put my walls back up and keep everything about me to myself. Just how it has to be. He tells me i need to be myself towards everyone, and like i said, to Him, it is very hard. He has never gone through it, so it is hard to express my thoughts and emotions to Him but i try my hardest on it. 

Of course other things, is not to be so damn emotional, to the point that He or anyone cant talk to me until i am calmed down. I am trying to change so much at once, i think, that i cant see how to improve with a beginning. But, i think that goes with the hardest things you have to change with yourself, is not knowing how to change, but try. 

Um, with that, He wanted to know what His flaws were, so i told Him. Of course His is not as long as mine, but still some major points. Like, listening to me more on things, like when to stop trying to fix things and to not see me as a child, like He did in the beginning of this relationship. 
 Other things is when He gets into things, He gets so obsessed to the point of not talking to me, eating and etc. And that was mostly it with Him.

Then i thought, well what about U/us as a whole. There are things to be improved on that, and He said, yea. Like, more communication than what is there. And i think that is true. When He gets mad at me, He doesn't talk to me right then and there. He lets it sit until the next day, and i don't like that one bit. I told Him, that family would do that, especially with punishment and what not, and would planned things. I told Him that this is a problem for me as well. To know that He would never do that, but i hate that the feelings are there. I was taught differently than He was, and with that, I am more upfront when things come up, while He waits to talk about it. 
 And that is why, W/we need more communication, is to make up sooner than letting the emotions get embedded in E/each O/other that it takes more time to make up than necessary. 

Also, that W/we need to do something maybe together. Like, maybe talking more so, and what not. But all and all, it was a very good conversation that W/we had. It felt really good to do that again. It felt like everything was back to normal and now what has been going on for a while now. Until next time....

January 29, 2012

People's intentions shone transparent....

ja=jack ass

ja:so wats up
me:just being with Daddy/fiancee
ja:daddy n finacee or finacee daddy
ja:marrying dad
me:um bdsm lifestyle
me;hence my id
ja:wat is bdsm lifestyle
ja:need to know about it
me:bondage,discipline,sadistic and masochism... power exchange
ja:so wat happened in this lifestyle
ja:like bondage stands for wat?
me:well as i put at the end, a lot of power exchange.. with each person it is different
me:bondage, as it says, bind people up, tie etc etc
me:well for me and Daddy/fiancee W/we are sadomasochism
ja:means ur daddy n finacee r d same person?
ja:so how long he has been fucking n hurting u?
me:n when du u intend to marry him?
me:there is no sexual stuff with U/us, and not hurting, but consent on both parties. and i've been with Him for me:five years, and in the lifestyle with Him for four
me:I dont know, there is no date set at this moment
ja:so ur daughter might also sleep with him if he is alive till then?
me:that is just nasty
me:love how you assume things
ja:i dont know i m just asking
ja:is he ur own father?
me:Daddy Dom
me:and you can think on moral grounds
ja:so wat is daddy dom?
ja:plz explain me i want to know about it n join u guyz one day
ja:as the concept interest me a lot
me:Daddy Dom is basically a Daddy, just not your real father.
me:no you will not join this
me:this is not a game
me:hm i dont think you do
ja:com on
ja:tell me when u say sadomasochism
ja:who will not get confused
me:what do you mean
ja:bcoz this is about a wild sex
me:no it is not
me:that is society trying to tell you that is what it is
ja:or an immoral sex from so called civilized societal perspective
me:lol nope
me:it's not sexual, it is power exchange
me:sure most do the sexual power exchange, but that is the kink people
ja:wat power?
ja:so is it a close society where in anyone fucks any1
me:oie, everything has power lol. like me and Daddy, im just a domestic slave
me:its not sexual
me:you say sex one more time i will block
ja:may be
ja:not maybe
me:okay that is it
me:im done with your ass

okay,i get this pm from someone asking a lot of things. I knew sorta in the beginning he was going to be a child about it. when people ask me what i am doing, i tell them, I'm with Daddy/fiancee. And he of course laughs at it. Usually when people do this, is because they are very close minded and want to belittle and etc. I don't really play like this, but of course i tried to give him a chance. 

I go onto to telling him what it is. I tell him what BDSM is, and of course he acts stupid. I mean pretty stupid. If you cant figure out what bondage is on your own, i don't think you really need to know what this lifestyle really is. 

I don't like how people word what this lifestyle really is. I do not do sex, i keep saying that over and over, yet people still have it embedded in them that it is all sexual. But of course he kept going with that a little later on. He asks me in a very rude way, if i was fucking Daddy and i don't tolerate that really. So, i told him, its not sexual for U/us, but of course he wont take that answer. I have been with Daddy/fiancee for almost six years all together. Will be five years soon in the lifestyle and one without that. 

Okay the next question was really nasty. I never had this question ever beforehand and i hope i never have it again. I am not sick and twisted as to let my children do this, with Daddy/fiancee ever. People who think this, need to go the other way. I am not nasty as people think. I have morals and things i go by and a lot of hard limits. If you think i would do or let Daddy do that to O/our children when W/we have them, then I'm sorry you are the sick fucks not me. 

I'm not going to get into the power part. But, with what he said next, saying its a closed community that only people fuck and what not. They do have um clubs, and munchies where they do that, but also they have munchies, where you sit down and just talk normal. I love how so many people assume what this lifestyle is, and yet never once saw it or tried to understand it. Yes, many people switch partners and what not, but that is mostly kinky people, they are different from people who do it as a lifestyle. But also with the lifestyle people, they can do it as well. But, like myself and Daddy, this is a private thing. No one will come into this and never will. 

I see that people's intentions of knowing what this lifestyle is about just because they just want kinky sex and with me. I will say this, i will never teach people this lifestyle who's only gain is to try and Dom me. If you want that, go somewhere else. There are a lot of people out there, who will teach them about the kinky part. For me, i wont. I don't think it is right at all, and can be very dangerous, but of course people do what they want. 

I hate when people try to sweet talk you, and then you find out later, they just want information to use against you or etc. I do not play these games, as i went through that shit for twenty three years. I have made my choice to never go through that stuff again. If that is your intention, then go somewhere else. As you can see, i got tired of him saying oh its sexual all the damn time. It is not so. Because if it was, then why is it power exchange and not sexual? Can you try and answer that for me. 

But, i didn't see what he wrote in the very beginning til now. I see that he basically commanded me in a way to tell him what this lifestyle is. I did not do that intentional, as to i was trying to write what the hell BDSM was about. If he wanted to know so badly, there are many things out there to show you a bit of what it is. It wont give you a real accurate of what the lifestyle is, but you can get a jest of it. But of course we see what his intentions were. Until next time....

January 28, 2012

Letter to my grandma

*Oh gosh, i wrote this,thinking I'm not going to cry at all. Yet here i am, crying. No matter how many times i think of grandma, i cry. When i talk to my grandpa and Kelly i cry. I didn't know how much i really loved my grandma and the others, until now. Oh my gosh, i miss you guys so much. *

Dear Grandma,

i want to say sorry for being so mad at you. I didn't know that my family kept me away from you. I didn't know how evil they were and are. I'm sorry, and i hope you forgive me on that. But with that, I'm sorry that we both didn't get any closure before you died. I wish i got it, but with this, and the things you will be giving me, will be my closure. 

I want to say, how much i really miss you and how much i truly love you. I hate to say this, but you were like my mother and what i have heard from Kelly, you always wanted to protect me and for me to feel comfortable around you guys. i really want to thank you for that. For that, you have given me good memories, when things were so bad. And i keep those memories dear to me. 

I am very angry at my damn mother for saying how evil you were at the end, and to say all of this, when you have died. My mom and sister can not even respect the dead. Sigh, but i knew deep down that wasn't who you were. I knew exactly who you were and yet my mother tried spouting all this evil stuff so i could just be my puppet self again. And i feel really guilty that i had to dig up every memory i have with you, to see if they were real and true memories or if it was something else. 

I know now, that i am not letting or accepting my mothers lies ever again. with that, i loved you so much and i still do. I wish at the end, we could of talked about everything like we have done for so long. I miss going up there to see you, and to spend the whole vacation with you. I miss sleeping in your bed, right next to you, watching Rudy, and talking about things before going to bed. 

and one memory that i miss a lot, which was when i was young. I remember being in your bed, late at night, you were curling your hair with the rollers, and going through your box, asking what is this and etc. And you said, do you want me to curl your hair, and i beamed yes, and that is what you did. sat there, curling it, and talking about everything with me. I felt like i was at home, and i keep that memory dear to me. I don't think i ever told you that memory or anyone but Anthony that one. But, from that time on, i knew how much you loved me, and would do everything with me. 

I will miss going to yard sales with you. Picking out things and haggling people down lol. When i do that again, i will be crying, thinking, i wish i could do this with you. I really miss doing all the stuff we have loved. especially our crafts. That is a lot of memories right there. I loved every moment. Each time you wanted to them, i would be right there, content and happy. I miss going to Michael's with you, buying things to do the crafts. And i am happy that i got to do some Christmas crafts with you. That was one thing i wanted to do so badly and i didn't get to thank you for those lovely memories. 

I know there is one regret with me, that is you always wanting to teach me euchre. I never did that, because we had so much stuff to do in a little bit of time. I know if i lived there, you would of taught me, but along with the rest of the memories, it sticks, because you always loved teaching me new things. One of these days, i will visit your grave and talk to you out loud instead of this letter. But, i want you to know, that even when i thought you disowned me, i still thought of you all the time. I was always worried about you. Wondering if you were doing okay, what was going on. I wanted so badly to talk to you, but of course, i lost your number. But, the things i will be getting, will be good enough and now i know that you didn't disown me at all, takes a lot of worries and stress off my shoulders. 

I'm sorry though that you hurt so much, and you wanted to talk to me so badly. I am really sorry for that, but i am thankful you are out of pain now. I know this may hurt, but i think i would be as strong as i am now, if i saw you going through that. i think it would of tore me up so much, that it is unbearable to think on that. But, do know i will always love you, and when i have children, i will talking about you so much. All our memories, and everything. You mean a lot to me, and i am very thankful, for you loving me no matter what. 

 I will always hold you dear to my heart. Love Ashpea

January 27, 2012

what Daddy did for me today....

Today was good. Daddy did some special things for me. He was going to give me a bubble bath, but then decided not to. So, instead He went with giving me a chocolate rose, from dollar tree. i had a feeling He was up to something with it, but of course i kept that to myself. well got home, and made some pork chops,I'm going to see if my taste has changed on them or not, and after that, I said, well I'm going to put my nymph outfit back on, because i don't like being in clothing for so long.. and He is like, no not yet. And I'm like, okay, what are you up too, and of course plays dumb with me, i don't know what you are talking about.

Then after He played that for about a minute, go into the living room and He is pushing me away playfully, wanting me to push Him back, and i don't do that for about four times, until i did push Him, He acts like He fell and grabs the chocolate rose and gives it to me that way. It was very sweet.

After that, He opens it for me, puts the rose in His mouth, and makes me take it from Him with my mouth. It was very cute. And said, now you cant say i never gave you a rose. Couldn't help but laugh at that. I love when He does things like this, it helps ease the tension and whatever else is going on for a bit.

Then after that, Daddy was making a tonic for me. A kosher wine,grape juice and ginger ale. He thought it would be wise to put the grape juice right into the ginger ale. But that was a big no no. That stuff shot everywhere, got Him big time, and i couldn't help but laugh at Him. He made such a huge mess, but it all worked out. The tonic or so is pretty good.

What's been on my mind....

I'm glad today was a good day. I have been waiting for my aunt to get back to me, so i can get my stuff grandma made and what we did together. I am very happy to say that i have some of my family back into my life. Not only do they see what i went through, but they understand why i left the way i did. They accept me fully for who i am, and even said, if I'm happy and not being hurt, which I'm not, then why cant she do what she wants. I'm glad that they see it as that. Sure, they don't understand the lifestyle, but that is okay, i will open up a lot on that, and show, I'm not being abused because I'm not. I am merely being myself.

But, with all that, i found out some things about my so called mother and sis. I see that they kept me away from grandma. Not giving numbers so i can at least say goodbye and that i am all right. I am very pissed on that and have the audacity of saying that i should not know what is going on. How so? I have every right to that. I am after all her granddaughter. I love her dearly. So, why keep me out? Hm, because i am disowned from them so it makes me disowned from everyone, i don't think so.

That really upsets me. In fact, so mad that i was shaking violently. I wanted to contact them and cuss them out, but that is my temper talking. I knew all along they would do this. I knew they were evil, but i didn't see how bad. It just shows you, i cant be with them at all. Like i have said over and over, i hope one day they open up their eyes and when i see the huge change in them, i will accept them willingly and gladly that they are the parents i have missed all my life. But for now, it stays like this.

I also found out something on my mother that i never knew. With this info, it makes see her in a different light. I wont say exactly what it is, not just yet, i think because well, i need to let it sink in, and to fit all the missing and broken links of memories and such, that goes with her. With this, i will say, it has always been a whirl pool of emotions, memories and etc, that i am emotionally exhausted again.
 As i am listening to a lot of christian songs that i love, to get me back to where i need to be, i have one that fits my mother a bit. One that is called slow fade by casting crowns. Mostly it will go to me, but it is a flow fade, of getting over people who have hurt you for years on end. It is a slow fade to coming back from that side of life. It will always be a slow fade, to forgetting those who have hurt you dearly. Especially it being family.

It has been taking me almost three years in real life to get rid of all the nasty things my mother and sister has done. It also has taken me five years to get myself to think differently and to see myself in a different light. It takes a very long time, to erase the hurt that they have inflicted and it takes even longer to regain who you have always been, yourself. I would know, as it has taken me all those years to get to where i am at right now. But, i also know that i am not done yet. I have so much more to do, but i am willingly to battle that, because i love who i see today.

I have changed a lot in the past five years and it shocks me to see this person. I am very grateful for God putting Daddy into my life. He has helped me change and mold me into this person today. I don't know if words themselves could utterly express my deep love and everything He has done. (I will be writing into depth of what W/we have gone through)

But, with that, my mother hates that. always hated someone taking me away from her, but she can easily ignore or get rid of me, but no one else can do that. I think it is funny how that goes. But my mother will always be like that and it's a bit sad.

Um with that said, i talked to my aunt today. It has been a very long time since i talked to my aunt and what not. Been longer without seeing them. When i left home, i just cut everyone out, because well i felt like i didn't have any other choice at the time. They believed my mother instead of me, and at the time i was upset about that. But now, i don't have any hate, anger, bitterness or anything. I know they didn't know what was going on in that home, because simply they did not live there. So, that is why, i don't have anything for them, but for my mother to try and talk stuff about me, even to this day, now i have feelings for that.

I am very angry and upset that my family shut me out and not give my grandma, my grandma my number. It makes my blood boil a bit, for them saying i have no right to know what grandma was going through. And wouldn't give my number. with that, i assumed my grandma disowned me, and that she didn't love me. Even at the end, i thought that, and why i was so mad at her.
 And as i talked with my mother, i see that it was her, filling me with lies all over again. and me being so stupid to believe that grandma was like that. I cant believe that i believed it and that i didn't look to see if it add up or not.

But, with talking to my aunt, i am finally getting back on good terms with the family that accepts me. I hope that they are not mad at me at all, for doing what i thought was necessary at that time. But, i think they know that now, and we can get back on very good terms.
 With that, i have a lot of things coming to me. I am very excited to get. It may hurt a bit, but it will be all good memories with grandma's stuff. I will be getting scrapbooks, books, some jewelery, puzzles, ornaments(so happy for that), and other things. I so cant wait, because this will be a closure to me. And also, to know that this was my grandma. And will always have good memories. That i will be doing this with my children, when i have them, and i will be doing it with my grandchildren. How much she had brought happiness into my life.

I really want to thank her, since i didn't get to, that i am very grateful she made me feel accepted to the q side of the family. I didn't know she did that at an early age, and i love her even more for doing that. because i always wondered if i was accepted or not. I always wanted to be accepted at least somewhere in the family and i was. Today has been a very good day, and with that, it has screwed my emotions up,lol.

But with this post, i just wanted to get my emotions out, as to there has been a lot of things going on, in the past few days. and this is my only way of getting it out. Until next time....

January 26, 2012

Good news today....

Today i got wonderful news. My aunt contacted me to tell me my grandma made scrapbooks for me. And that she will only give them to me. I feel excited. This is the first time, in about two weeks or so, I've been happy or even receiving good news. I feel bad though, for being so mad at my grandma. I thought she disowned me and didn't want to talk to me, and why i didn't get that closure. But, I'm not going to blame myself for that. I know grandma understands that i was out of it and didn't know what was going on at all.

I get that information and I'm really surprised and happy. At first i told Daddy, i don't want anything from grandma, because it would bring up so much hurt and anger and etc. But, i got that messaged, i broke down bawling my eyes out and the first thing out of my mouth is Daddy, i want the scrapbooks. I said that a couple of times. I feel it in my heart, i need those. That is my closure that i didn't get with her.

For a while i couldn't stop crying. I think i was finally getting to that stage of accepting it all. I'm still not completely up to par, but a lot better now. But, with the bullshit been going on in my family, i let them get to me once again. I let their lies get to me, and make me contemplate all my memories with my grandma were real or not. I feel really bad for letting that get to me. But, it's time to try and forget them.

I talked to a couple of good people in wire club and they gave me a good idea. Writing a letter to my grandma with all my feelings and such. And i think that would be a good way to have some closure. Now as i am happy to get them, i wonder what it is. My mind keeps going right back to it. Thinking how many scrapbooks are there, what's in them and etc. But, mostly i am very happy that i see my grandma was herself til the end, and that makes me happy to a point.

I feel like a child right now. i want the stuff now. But the reason for this, is because this is the first that i got from someone who has died, but also from someone i loved dearly. I cant wait for them to come. I wrote my aunt back, just got to wait til tomorrow. That is the only thing i hated, is that i got the message really late, and didn't know how to respond to it. So, now it has to wait,but I'm glad that people are finally opening their eyes to my family, or i should say mom and them. Until next time...

January 24, 2012

Fake dom in a pickle, lol.....

grey: flew here from Sweden to be with me wolfie, and right after she got off the plane we had to take an elevator to get to the car. She had on a miniskirt and no panties, and the smell of her cum was so strong I could smell it just standing with her in
grey: elevator
Ag:oh look wolfie... another cumslut for ya \
ne:im a slut of many forms
ne:and damn proud of it
li:<<< cumslut
Ag:yes... but you are a HUGE cumslut
ne:my cum isnt a strong smell and im sop glad of it
ne:yes yes i am
grey:i like it strong
ne:im a HUGE cumslut
li:*thinks she has found a kindred spirit in wolfie*
grey:ive never met a bigger cumslut than pia, and ive known many
newfie_wolf16You obviously don't know me Grey
grey:She's sucked over 100 cocks. Can you beat that?
ne:sorry i suck my Masters cock and no one elses
ne:im not that kind of slut
grey:Well so does she, now that she's met me.
grey:But, she wins. =)
Ag:wow... i dont think i would brag about that
ne:-keeps mouth shut before i say something o regret-
grey:Why wouldn't you brag about it? Only reason not to is the bullshit religion and society puts on us that tells us its "wrong." Fuck that bullshit.
Ag:it has nothing to do with religion...
ne:seriously thats not something to brag about
Ag:its more about self respect
grey:I'm sorry you guys have hang ups about it, thats sad. We dont. And we feel it IS something to brag about.
Ag:she conditions
li:yeah, let's play the shame game! i know this one!
ne:-nods- i do!
AM:it shows
me:oh well gray
ne:im sorry your slut is a whore Greyfax....
Ag:and thats fine... im glad you find it something to brag about... i however dont think thats it much to brag about
ne:not at all
me:me neither
Ag:i think its rather nasty myself.....
grey:Whores take money for sex. She hasnt done that.
ne:but im going to shut up
ne:because this could get nasty
grey:Its sad you people are so closed minded.
ne:im not closed minded
me:we are close minded
grey:About this, you absolutely are.
ne:just sucking 100 cocks...isnt something i would brag about considering you own the girl
me:i dont think so
Ag:W/we live this lifestyle and you call U/us close minded?
ne:im happy to say ive sucked 2 cocks in my whole life....
ne:now THATS something to brag about
ne:one of which is my Masters
grey:She did that before she met me, because she loves sex. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. There is something wrong with people who think theres something wrong with it.
Ag:i am very open minded..... but 100 cocks is just naster
ne:yup i agree muggs
me:hm sorry but that is nothing to be happy or brag about
me:now what is
Ag:there is NOTHING wrong with loving sex... i love sex..
ne:me too!
me:that is something to brag about
ne:right ash
Ag:i have had one real life Master.....
me:but anyways keep deluding yourself
Ag:and thats Apache
ne:me too!
Ag:and He will be the LAST one to own me
me:me too, Daddy here
me:yup same here agirl
grey:It IS something Im happy about. You guys have issues. Im SO thankful we arent brainwashed and repressed and can embrace what gives us pleasure and turns us on.
me:we have issues
me:geez someone is already assuming things
ne:yeah big time
ne:i wouldt be happy if my girl has fucked 100 guys
ne:and it definitly wouldnt turn me on
grey:I dont like the closed mindedness and the old fashioned attitudes in here.
me:me neither ne
me:well then leave gray
me:we are not holding you here
ne:jheez her cunt must be stretched!
grey:Im going to.
me:now leave
me:bye bye dumbass
ne:bye bye
ne:oh apparently we are closed minded because we said he shouldnt brag about his girl sucking 100 guys cocks
me:mhm even Daddy says its unwise

grey:you people are really fucking PATHETIC. You claim to be open minded just because youre into D/S, but are COMPLETELY closed minded about other stuff. You can't hide your closedmindedness behind ONE thing that youre not closed minded about.
me:and you had to just come back in here for that
Ag:Grey... GET OUT!
me:you are such a fucking fake dom
me:get the fuck out now
grey:And the fact that you need to make other people feel bad about their sexulity shows how disgusting your true character really is. If you were actually openminded you'd support whatever brings other people joy. So immature.
me:you are the immature one
me:who had to come back in
me:very mature of you dude
grey: Youre the fucking little people that feel the need to make others feel bad. YOU are the immature ones.
Ag:he did miss us
grey:Go fuck yourself. water.
me:stop fucking blame
me:and get out
grey Left the room
ne:umm we werent making u feel bad
me:ohh im soo showing Daddy

Before i get started on this conversation, i want to give a bit of background to this. We were talking in the BDSM room in wire club. Somehow got onto a subject about being cumsluts and etc. All of a sudden this dude, who thinks he is a dom. So, as it progressed he starts bragging that his "slave" has sucked 100 hundred guys. 

For all of us in the lifestyle, this isn't a thing to brag about, and that is what we talked about from there. For all of us in the lifestyle, sure, we like to be proud that we are slaves and Doms or switches. But there is a boundary, a point where you can go over or cross the line and that is what he exactly did. 

You do not brag about something like that. We have tact and pride and know when things are just going over bounds. He finds it acceptable to brag about this. Okay, good for him, but how about you keep it to yourself. Most of us, do not like that. And of course we all spoke our minds. It isn't a thing to brag about. 

To most of us, that is just being a whore, and i hate to say it, it is. For me, i believe that having one Master is being loyal and only doing things with Him. But, doing things with a 100 guys is just blurting out, hey I'm a whore, anybody can have me, just not my Master alone. So, where does the loyalty, the honor, the pride of being your Master's slave? It goes out the window with that. 

So, he backs it up, saying oh its religion and society why he cant brag about it. But who in their right mind would want to brag about that? All it does is put nasty images of that person into your mind, and also makes you wonder, are they clean, std free? But, as we commented back, its not about religion or society. It is about personal views and also having tact about it. I just love how people always want to blame religion and society on things that are just plain nasty. 

hm, about hang ups.... each person is different in the lifestyle, what they think is acceptable and what isn't. But in this case, the subs/slaves win in this round. We are the ones not with the hang ups but obviously him and his so called slave. I hate to say it, but i feel sorry for his so called slave. I sorta pity her in a way but then again not. Sure, its fine to love sex but to do it with so many guys, wouldn't you think you would back up and ponder if you are being promiscuous. But, i just love how people want to assume things on other people, all because they are out of it and what not. 

Sure the definition of being a whore is taking money but that can be technically called a prostitute. But a whore is someone who has sex with anyone and anytime. But of course he thought he knew what a whore was. Laughable i say. 
 I love how he says we are close minded. since we are in the lifestyle, that would show we are not close minded at all. He should know where the boundaries lay to "showing off" his so called slave, he should know where the boundaries lay, as to talking bad about owned slaves. But of course this is how fake doms go. They just think they can do whatever the hell they want and that being a dom is excusable for that. 

But, with his next comment, it shows you that she is a whore. Saying she did all of this before meeting him. That makes you question, will she be loyal to him and etc etc. But of course people don't think of the logic or what they put down at all. They just blab whatever and think it is the truth or that it is even right. 
 Of course i got involved. Usually i sit back and just mind my own business. But, this was getting out of hand, and i had to say, being with one Master is what is good to brag about. Not being so many men and etc. But of course, he was so deluded that he thinks everything he said was right and everything we said was because of our "religion" and society that we based it on. 

And once again, he proves that he is an idiot who thinks he is in the lifestyle. Already assuming that we are the ones who have issues and that he isn't even in the wrong to say what he did. A true Dom/Master will keep His temper in check no matter how bad a situation gets. He knows what to do but does it rational. Not let His emotions get the better of him. But as you see, he is controlled by his emotions and you see, that he is affectations. 

Finally he leaves the room but about two minutes go by, maybe less, and he comes right back in. Just to blow up some more and to cuss me and everyone else out. It's like he couldn't get enough of us, and wanted to be just a troll now. I know now, that dude and his so called slave will not be in the rooms anymore. Thank goodness, but i wanted to post this, to show you what fake doms do when they are in a pickle. Until next time.....

January 22, 2012

Family trying to start shit.. gotta love it, huh

Just a little something I saw lingering around on the net, of course from that twat that's supposed to be my sister;

"It's kinda sad to know ill never have the whole family get together for Christmas eve and Christmas. But, being with my mom and dad only, always makes up for it. At least I know that part of the family loves me. The rest can get over themselves. Except for one of our cousins.

Sister: I'm not being hateful. I'm just tired of seeing it... No family to spend it with, so why be all cheerful? Just another bullshit day, nothing special about it. Only thing, happy birthday Jesus. That's about it though. You wouldn't blow my wall up with that, would you?

Okay, i saw this a few days ago on my sis's facebook wall. Yes, i do look from time to time to see how the family is acting to see if i can be able be family again. But i saw this, and i have to shake my head at this.

I see on Christmas day that she is all moody and what not. And it is reference to me, in a subtle way. Saying that it is my fault that im not with the family. That it is my fault that she cant have a good Christmas and what not. I hate when family whine about this. Because it makes me think, well why do they only love or miss me on one holiday of the year but for the rest of the time, they can hit me and call me everything in the book. So, how does that make sense that it is my fault that im not with the family. Just doesnt make sense at all.

She tells this to a friend of hers, that she cant spend it with family so why be cheerful. Hm well that makes me think, all the times we were nice and what not to each other it was a fake happiness. So, it just shows how evil my family is, and that it is sad, that the only time they want to think of me is on this holiday.

I guess my hopes of becoming a family is a fail, but that is okay. I have wiped my feet from this family and will make a new family soon. Until next time."

And what I think about this: Sister: I'm not being hateful. I'm just tired of seeing it... No family to spend it with, so why be all cheerful? Just another bullshit day, nothing special about it. Only thing, happy birthday Jesus. That's about it though. You wouldn't blow my wall up with that, would you?
Why, yes indeed I did write this. But no, it wasn't about you. Don't get your granny panties in a wad there missy. The whole "family" selection was definitely not about you. You're not family, get your facts straight. I was having a conversation with a friend, trying to explain to them how I felt about Christmas. Was that so bad? My mom, dad, and I do not have family in TENNESSEE, dumbass. They're all in Michigan. Was your name in this comment? No ma'am, I believe it was not. Step off your high horse for a minute and get your shit together. When we were little and I was "nice" to you, uh, duh...of course that wasn't geniune. You knew I hated you. I knew you hated me. But being civil doesn't make you fake. There's more to come. Just keep scrolling to see more shit talk this bitch does!

"Working on my memoir...Interworks of Ashpea,Part one
Posted by CreativeGrotto
I have so many memories going through me. And what is scary, is that they are good ones. But, the emotions behind it, are sad, thoughtful kind. wonder where it came from? Ill tell you.

I was an idiot. From time to time, i check up on my family. See if they are truly happy without me, truly hate me, for who i am. Sure, it may be pathetic, but i guess its how i cope with things.And, i see that my mother is truly happy without me. I see her chatting with someone i don'tknow, and she is her happy self, once in a blue moon, with me. I also see, that she has replaced me with my god sister and that makes me ponder on some things.It makes me think, did they love me, just a small fraction of my time with them? Did they really love me, that when i left, they had to replace that void with another person they know? or, am i thinking way too much into it. And that i know how they are. Just dumb asses who never loved me, and that it is true, on what they said. I was just a burden and was grateful my Daddy/fiancee took me instead.

When pondering on those thoughts, my mind whirls around to these memories, i have. I'm glad, that i have good memories. Yes, i know in my heart, i only have a few good memories. And, I'mglad to have them, but what is shaking me so much, is that i feel so sad with these memories. Maybe the reason i feel like this, is i wish and yearn for a family. A real family, that loved me, and actually cared for me. And in these memories, i saw a glimpse of it.And, that is where i yearn for it.

I miss those times, sitting with mom, watching movies with her, and actually not fighting or getting hit. I miss those times, where we would play games and actually be a family. I miss those times, where dad actually says i love you, and mean it. I miss those times, when my family would actually talk to me, like i was an adult, and not a baby. You, see, these are some of the things i want in a family.

When these thoughts come up, i get these feelings like, did i give up a good family? Even though i now its an absurd logic. Did i make a wrong choice in not talking or seeing them ever again? Are a few things i think of, when i see my family so happy without me. It makes me so confused again. It makes my confidence in who i am, shatter into million of pieces, and makes me wonder if who i thought i was, is truly me, or what my family said i was, is true.

I have always dealt with this. Always dealt with knowing who i am. And if being a slave and being this confident person, is truly me. Or what my family thought of me:being a hermit crab, crying my eyes out, cutting all the time, never knowing who i truly was, always quiet, and a puppet basically. And when they do this, act like their life is so perfect without me, this is what happens.

I start thinking and pondering, if i made the right choice. Or that what i thought of them, is just a mere delusional one. That a teenager was being a rebel to her parents, and thought that they are worse than what they are. But, i know in the back of my mind, i hear it screaming to me, "YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. YOU KNOW THEY ARE ABUSIVE, WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING YOURSELF LIKE THIS."And for some reason, i can never make my mind, realise that mysubconscious is right.

Why can i listen to it, without my thoughts clouding it. Why cant my heart listen to it, when i feel it breaking so much. Is it because of that, i don't listen to it? or is it the mere fact, that when i feel like this, so many memories surface into my head, and make me replay them, like they are being done to me, in the present.

Like now, my memories are, in order: back when i was three years old, before going in for surgery, i remember my father sitting down on the floor with me,playing with the foamy blocks. I remember the feeling of being excited that my father was actually playing with me, but at the same time, i felt this other emotion, felt like something was going on in the background, butwasn't sure what was going on. I just reveled in that moment. Basking in the so called sunlight, that my father actually paid attention to me.

Maybe that is why it stays with me and makes me feel so sad, is that i yearn for that. I had always hoped my family would be a family. Actually love me, like they did at that time. I love to see that memory when I'm upset, but tonight, i don't. It just makes that yearning for a real family ache so bad inside of me. Like i want to scream, "WHY CANT I HAVE A FAMILY NOW?".

Other memory that sticks clearly, is all the times my mother would sit down, actually sit down and watch movies with me. This would happen a lot through my childhood and teen years. And i loved it. There was no yelling, there was no, disgust in my mother's eyes. I felt like i was bonding with her, and taking the time out, to be with me.Sure, sometimes, my mother would be upset with me, and tell me to get out of her sight, while watching movies, but that only happened twice in my life. And the more i think about it, I'm glad that she didn't do it anymore than those times.

I like these memories, because i felt like i could be myself while around my mother. I felt like there was no barrier between us, or the tension we always had with one another. And afterwards, she would listen to my critic on the movie, and me with her. And sometimes with Historical fiction movies, if she didn't know what was going on, we would pause the movie, and i would explain it to her.I felt like i was part of the family, and maybe why it makes me question so much in my life. Make me always think, is this my true family? Or, was i adopted. I know, silly for a person to think, even if she is grown. But i still do that, because my genes and my traits are nothing like my family. Makes me ponder, where did i get my thinking and logic from. Anyways, with that, is another subject, i will get to, in a few.

And the only other memories i have that are good, is that my whole family would take the time out of their lives and play games with us. Actually play games, and have fun.Or mom painting my finger nails, and trying to make me a girly girl, and have a girls night out, by painting my face up(make-up), hair done, nails done, and take pictures of it, and say, you look like a model, instead of her usual tone and language.

This play a powerful role in my life. These few memories, are why I'm so confused with who i am, and what i think of my family. I know outsiders think my family, is their the perfect family in today's society.But, in reality, once you get to know my family, really get to know them, by talking with them all the time, you start to see how bad they are.

Sure, you are wondering why i am badmouthing them so much, and clearly you will see throughthis novel or so, why i clearly don't like my family. Why i don't keep in touch with my family. And the decision i had to battle so hard with, each and every night. Do you think I'm a bitter person for this, well i hope you don't see me as that. Because I'm not bitter about it.Sure, i yearn for a family, and upset that my family decided to take the family over me and try to change their ways. But, i know God will take care of me and them.

In fact, i actually am grateful for what i went through with them. It has made me a strong person and every other thing that is made up in me. Shocking, right, i know it is for me.

Enough rambling on that, i know I'm getting off the subject of what i was writing, but i felt like i needed to write it down. Another thing that is making me sad, is that i question God in my life.

Every time my family makes me ponder on my "true self" i always see that i question my faith as well. I always think, where did i get my faith from. Where did i ever find God? I always think it was my grandma, who always talked to me about God, but when i ponder on my memories, i see that i have always, in some way, follow God without really realizing it.

I think where did i get this faith from? When my family has always not been with God. so, i think, where did i start actually praying, and trying to get a personal relationship going with God. Surely, it wasn't from my family. So it makes me think, that everything i have hold on to, all my memories and etc, are just fake things that i have deluded myself with.

I go back to thinking, did i do the right thing. Did i make the right decision to leave my family and to have a better life without them? And to have a better relationship with God as well?At the time, i really thought my grandma told me so much about Him, but now i see, that God had come to me."

Yeah, that's just part ONE of her "memoir". Anyone who has contact with this girl, I'm sorry. The lies she is feeding you, I call bullshit. She's 4 years older than I, but I lived in this household with these two wonderful parents (yea right)and, unfortunately her. So, therefore I think I would know the truth, am I correct? You can't remember anything at age 2, dumbass. You were never raped. You were never abused. My mother is amazing. Yeah, she can get in her moods, but she's fucking human. EVERYONE gets in moods. Chill out with your bullshit lies. Yes, I have disowned you. I fucking hate you. I don't care what happens to you, how you are, who you are, etc. You did this to yourself. Keep thinking about those "memories". My hatred for you is indescribable. Sue me. You're a disgrace. There's more where this came from, but I think I'm done for now. You wanna keep on spouting lies about MY family, I'll spread your bullshit around like it's nothing. I'm exposing your true self to anyone and everyone. The ones you knew in Tennessee will finally see how you really are. And to those who know/knew her, I'm sorry. Such a tragedy. No, she isn't my sister. As of 4 years ago, the bitch is dead to me.

hm, now im just waiting for the cops to come out. And saying that Daddy is abusive, lol i love that part. Keep it coming Kayla, im saving every last piece of shit you say. Go ahead, and we will see what goes on. This is what my family is, and i love how i am getting fame now for her posting some of my stuff on facebook. All it does is get more traffic. Thank you for that lol.

Family and their games.....

Fighting every inch of retaliation that's building up inside me. You expose lies about us? How would you like being exposed to the world for your lies, craziness, and such? Biting my tongue. Let's see how long this will last, shall we?

Jennifer C oh dear...he we go again? =(
20 minutes ago
Jennifer C don't worry about blocking it sweetie...i'm NOT going to get drug into the same bs all over again. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or heart..that will be up to God. I know the TRUTH and so does God, so that's all that counts I guess. Nevermind the fact that it's ripping my heart out. Oh wait, I don't have a heart...anyways, post what u will baby, i'm out of it! Loves to u little one xoxo
15 minutes ago
Jennifer C don't be sorry, I love u too Kayla, more than u'll ever know. u've never disappointed me or crushed my heart...what u have done is give me gray hair and wrinkles from stressing over ur crazy behind lol but i wouldn't trade in not one gray hair or wrinkle..ur worth all of it and then some! lol xoxo now go do ur thing and don't worry about it xoxoxoxo
10 minutes ago
Kayla Q I love you♥ you're amazing, motherbear
a few seconds ago

Hm, so i see that you are trying to get dirt on me. Since i have no lies, and things you can expose of me, but to be on my blog and try to get every last dirty thing on me. Go ahead it wont work a bit. I see how you guys work. And you say you are loving and what not. Ha, aren't you guys the funny ones.

You think you can get any lies and dirt on me, guess what you cant. I just love how you guys are so abusive as hell. And what is making you mad, is that I'm telling the truth.It wasn't the abuse that made you mad, or what i went through, no it was me saying i was going to expose you to the whole world, that you don't like one bit. If it wasn't true, you wouldn't be so mad, or be looking at my entire blog to get anything to call the damn cops on me and etc. 

I just love how mom always tries to guilt me, saying i have disappointed her. Guess what, how about she was the one that disappointed me all those years?Hm, how about that, and what abut you Kayla. You are no angel what so ever. But you and the family always think like that. Funny how you guys want to retaliate all because i am telling the truth and you cant stand that at all. 

This is just laughable because it took you guys six days to even read my letter, which was a very hard decision to make, and it took you six days to figure out that i was ever gone. The other thing, did you think i was that stupid as to not see my old posts on my pic? Did you really think I'm the stupid ass puppet who will come back to you. How funny you think i will be that person ever again. 

But hear me out, i will expose you. I have your words saved and you ever try to get cops involved again, i will give them this. And go through all of this. I am tired of your bull shit. Until next time...

Someone who only wanted cybering, tsk tsk

love: can i be honest with u
me: and what is that
love: i am fucking hard. i really need to cum
love: i was checking some call girls but i dont wanna do it. the problem is that i am really hard and i need to cum
me: hm so you thought to pm me and think i can help you?
love: if u dont mind?
me: hm and you are off the list and blocked.
love: why
love: i am asking u politley
me: and you have the audcauity to even ask me. Geez thanks for using me and why you are coming off
me: not a sleazy slut

Okay, with this pm, it was obvious what this dude wanted. I thought he was a friend but turns out,, he just needed a slut to please him. Sorry, but i do not allow stupid ass people on my messengers or on my sites. Like i have always put, if you are only seeking this kind of stuff, go somewhere else. It is tiresome that, that is what people only want here. But, I'm not going to be your slut and such. Until next time....

People will never learn.....

ce:u are a sub?
me:well as id says im a slave
ce:not sure where i totally fit in yet
me:well what do you mean/
ce:used to be very dom
ce:now kinda of changing my mind
me:oh, well just be yourslef
ce:used to luv to be in control
ce:now like idea of being controlled
me:well its better to be yourself than to just try and be in a lifestyle
ce:as a slave, u been tied up?
me:a couple of times. Dont do the B and d part of the lifestyle
ce:b and d?
me:yes Bondage and Discipline
me:Do Sadomasochism
ce:sorry, total newbie
ce:i prob sounf stupiid
ce:so u do Sadomasochism, what exactly does that ential
me:for U/us, whippings(lots of it), choking,drowning, water torture
me:knife play etc etc
ce;done stuff with hot wax
me:yes, a bit
ce:i mean i have
ce:was tied up and gagged for the first time a few weeks ago, was def fun
ce:went a bit further than i had intended but i guess that happens
me:well i suggest that you really not jump completely into it. It is dangerous and you have to trust the doms and such
ce:the dom at mo is my g/f
me:dont jump completely into it
me:even with your gf
me:you can get hurt really bad
ce:what was supposed to happen was she wud tie me up and blindfolld ang gag me and use a strapon
ce:well all went to plan
ce:she had 2 gay friends of hers come over
me:well do what you want i dont care. im tired of noobs who think this is just for fun and get hurt. sorry blocking now.

Well lets start this pm out why don't we. Well i get this pm from someone who thinks they are in the lifestyle and thought they could just go into details about their stuff. I really feel uncomfortable when people do that. Just because it's none of my business and also it shows me that you are wanting attention for it.

So, with the beginning, i just love stupid people in the lifestyle. They always ask me, are you a sub? My response will always be this, read my id, it says Slave........ so it states what i am in the lifestyle. If you cant read then i think you need to not pm me.

So, it goes on, thought i would give the stupid guy a chance. He starts saying, well i don't know who i am anymore in the lifestyle. This shows me, that you are a fake in the lifestyle. You really don't change your mind unless you are fake or role playing and don't take the lifestyle serious. It just shows that most people are fake in the lifestyle. He says he doesn't know anymore, it kinda boggles my mind. With talking for only a few minutes of talking, i can see how people are and what their patterns are. And his was coming out big time.
 I told him, how about you be yourself and not think you are in the lifestyle.He just becomes quiet really and then goes on with it. This is why our lifestyle gets a bad rap for things. It's because of people like him, who makes "vanilla people" think that this lifestyle is a disease. Like everyone has to be in this lifestyle, and it isn't true at all. This lifestyle is for people are truly wanting to be in it and that it is a part of their personality, as in nature.

Now, with each person, they should know exactly what BDSM means, and that it is broken down into two forms. If you do not know what B and D means or what S and M means, then you should not be in this damn lifestyle at all. That is what beginners will have to know exactly what that means and what goes with each one and etc etc. If you do not know what that means and what goes on and whatever, then you should not be in the lifestyle. See, it already gave me the impression he just wants it for sexual wants and that is it. Not a good thing for me to see.

I don't mind talking about what me and Daddy do in the lifestyle. But, if you need a round about figure of what Sadomasochism is, then i think you need to take a few steps back and wonder why you want in this lifestyle. But, with U/us, as you have seen in this blog and will, when new things come up, of what W/we do. Yes, i have done knife play before, and it was scary, exciting and etc. But, with that, choking, drowning, and etc it can be very dangerous. Why i don't want people to be in this lifestyle that do not know what the hell they are doing.

Now, he goes into detail of what has happened to him. Sorry, but i do not want you to go into detail of you getting hurt. I have notice that affectations people in the lifestyle, always wants to whine to me of what has happened to them. Sorry, but I'm not someone to come and cry to. I will tell you, that is what you get. You should not jump into this lifestyle and think everything will be okay. I give out warnings for a reason. I don't do this for my own accord, but to help people so they wont get hurt. But as this dude above, he didn't listen to any of my warnings.

This is a lesson that most people need to learn. That not everyone should be in the lifestyle and that also they should not jump into this lifestyle. Especially if it is with a girlfriend and what not. As this dude said, well it's with my girlfriend for right now. So, it shows that he wants to do it with her for now, but then do it with someone else. But with this pm, you get to see, that trust and communication are two main things you need in this lifestyle, to make it a safe lifestyle.
 But as you see, she didn't take that trust seriously, and did whatever she wanted. Sorry, doms and dommes who are true will not do this. This should be a lesson for everyone out there,who plays with this lifestyle and think it is funny and not serious at all. Yes, i do warn a lot about the lifestyle, but i also accept people who are truly curious to always come with questions. Also, those who truly want to be in the lifestyle, is always welcome to chat and what not. I do not mind that, what i do mind is, fake or "weekend warriors" as they are called are just wanting it for the "high". But at the end, i got enough of this person and had to block him. For this i have made another rule, for me only that people who are only going to whine to me that they got hurt without every learning what this lifestyle is about, i will block and not talk them, nor give them sympathy. Just how it has to be. Until next time.......

family lies again.....

Jennifer C.
Ashley, it's mom. Just thought u would want to know that ur grandma Quebedeau passed away Sunday, January 15th in her sleep. If u want to talk, u know my number.

I would of wrote this a while back but I've had a lot of things on my mind. With this, you see that my mother lied to me once again. After two days of talking with my mother, i see this message. She told me on the phone that she had written a long email and going into detail of what happened to grandma. 

Now do you see my mother writing a long email to me pertaining to what happened to my grandma? It's only two lines long. How is that a long email. All it does is, make me mad that she lied and used me again. This never fails with family. But, i wanted to show you, how they are. What their lies are and etc. Almost everything in my life has been a lie, and it's hard to figure out where the truth starts and where it ends. well Until next time....

January 20, 2012

Finally not censored anymore...

Sorry for the last few days. I was in the family for a bit and i felt that anything i posted on them, would be seen and would start stuff. I tried giving my family a chance, but as you are seeing today, they haven't changed one bit. Why i can start writing freely once again. This was how my life always was. Shut away, always censored and etc. I am glad i am free of that and can put what i want now.. Until next time....

seeing through my family once again....

Lorraine Q miss her so much. if she only knew how much she is loved May 3, 2011
Jennifer C I know...this August will be a year since she last spoke to me. It kills me but what can I do.....
May 3, 2011
Dan K just still love her and pray that she allows GOD to soften her heart!! June 7, 2011
Jennifer C that's exactly how i've been praying! She'll come around...in God's time, not mine June 7, 2011
Dan K thats what im doing and praying 4 on my oldest boy steven!! my youngest boy daniel and i r getting along fine!! June 7, 2011
Jennifer C that's good to hear =) Don't know what got into Ashley...but I know that once God moves in her life she will be the Ashley I raised...waiting for that day to arrive! June 7, 2011
Amanda K Wait where's ashley last I knew she waz still with u guys... is she ok?? June 7, 2011
John Q no, she's been living in Montana for over 3 years now and cut off all ties with ANY family members June 7, 2011
Amanda K WHT wow thts crazy June 8, 2011
Amanda K Do u kno why?? June 8, 2011
Jennifer C I will fill u in when we get up there...we'll be up there the first week of July...so hopefully we will be able to see each other..I need an Amanda hug and I know Kayla does too lol xoxo June 8, 2011
John Q i love you ashley wish i could see yiu June 9, 2011

As you can see, this is my fucking family for you. I felt like today, and even yesterday that they have changed for the better and then i find this on my pics on my mothers face book. See what happened is that i got bored and thought what the hell, ill check out the pics. I see there's two pics of me there. The last one is fine, nothing really since it is me and Daddy, but the one when I'm alone, oh by, the above is what was written on that pic. 

Where do i even begin with family. All of this feels like a part of my memoir and its really sad. I see that this chapter open and closed pretty fast and I'm really sad about that. I should of never have called them, but it's my nature to do that. I have always been like that, and Daddy said don't fight your nature. It just makes me so angry to find this and especially all weeks it had to be this week. 

I know i am going through a rough patch, but what is odd about it, it's not that huge really. Sad all the stuff i have gone through with Daddy, has felt bigger and worse than this. And yet, this is another thing i have to deal with. I have gone on this roller coaster of emotions of abuse with my family for twenty three years. 

As i sat here bawling my eyes out once again, i am back to all my old stuff right now. Wanting to eat to hide my emotions, wanting to throw up, because of how sick they are. Wanting to cut to feel that i am truly here, feel like i need Daddy to really punish me to get all of this aggression and sadness out of me. Everything I've gone through and change for the better, is being hit hard right now. 

I feel like I'm lost for words and that in some way, i took this pretty hard. With my grandma dying and seeing how she was at the end, and then family doing this not even a full year, is bullshit. One thing i truly hate is being judged for something i haven't even done. That is one pet peeves my family has hit so many times, it's not even funny. 

Daddy is taking the brunt of it. Seeing my ugly sides all over again. Seeing that I'm not eating, and then wanting to eat until i throw up, is horrible.  He has been wonderful through all of this. He has been pampering me, and pushing His problems to the side, and truly trying to take care of me. He understands how horrible my family is, since He first hand experienced Himself. 
 I truly do not know where i would be without Him. He meshes well with me, and everything i needed in a person. I am very grateful for having Him in my life.. and you know what, fuck family and saying He's going to rape me, all i am going to be to Him is fuck toy. 

My family has never said anything good about Him. And when i was in good terms with family, only about six months at a time, i would talk about Him, because He is my everything, i can always feel the tension from them. They have always hated Him and you know what, I'm glad they do. I don't want my children(when i have them) to never know who my family is, until they want to learn on their own. I'm truly done with them. 

I've been on this roller coaster for far too long. It's time to get off and stay off. But, the above, I'm totally pissed at it. Saying, I'm not a Christian, all because i cut family out of my life? They have no right to say that. They should not judge me and think they know who i am all because of the shit that went on in the family. And then i see they still talk bad about me, like I'm the only thing they can feel good about. How Christian like is that of them to do that? And they have never ever say I'm sorry to me, or even change to show me they truly care for me. And they say I'm not the Christian. 

I'm truly sick of it. i am tired of the mind games and saying that i will crawl back and be the old puppet i use to be. Fuck that, i think that is bullshit. They were waiting for me to crawl back and act like I'm going to be their damn slave. I think that is bull shit. In my mind now, i think what is next. What plans do they have now? Just a lot of bull shit that i have to clear out all over again. 

All this does is open the fucking wounds that i have healed for quite some time, and yet here they are being ripped open all over again. What is a person suppose to do? I've done all that i could. I was the only one who tried to have a family. And yet, I'm the one that is off the path of God. Is it because I'm in the lifestyle or what is the purpose to do this to me? 

I have my grandparents saying they love me, but those are just empty lies. All it is, is to show how good they are to their friends and family and that really makes me sick to my stomach. You should love someone no matter what. And not get on a damn site and blabbing it to the whole world how wonderful that person is.. sigh, i just don't know where this is leading to. And what about God? Why is He letting this happen all over again. 

The last time i said i wipe my feet and went my way, i thought i had breast cancer, and i had to talk to family. And not even five months of that, another fucking battle was waged and i was the bad guy. So many hurt feelings on my end, so many endless name calling and threatening letters, that i said fuck it, I'm done. And then now this. My grandma is dead, and i had to call my family up because it is in my nature to do that, but i should of said no i don't want to talk to mom. I did that to myself. I do admit that. But, i want to know, what is God up to. 

This makes the second thing sorta huge in my life, that i have to go back to family. Doesn't He see that I'm the only one in that damn family who has ever tried so hard to be loved? He surely must see that, because i cry to sleep each night, wanting a family to love me for who i am. And one that never hurt me and take my feelings and myself for granted and wanted something so diabolical that it makes you so mad. 

I have noticed one thing though and it scares the hell out of me. I see where most of my anger comes from. It's my family. After my grandma died, i had all this pent up anger towards all of them, that i had to take twenty steps back from myself and see who this person was. And with that, i thought, each time family does stuff, i have to always take so many steps back from myself and analyze myself to death. To see if I'm the one who is evil or if it is them. I am the one who has to question if her morals and being a Christian is true and not being a fake person. And does my family ever do that? No, they do what the hell they want, and never have to question any of their motives at all. 

I know i have all this anger inside of me, but maybe it is good to see where it comes from, and that slowly i can work on getting it under control and not be such an angry person. As God says, we cant be angry forever, because all it does is festers and makes you a bitter person. And i truly don't want to be like that at all. I want to be a good Christian and do what God wants. Maybe I'm doing that right now, and i hope i am.. but i know there is room for change in me and I'm accepting it as a gift and to be better than what i am. For now, I'm going to try and live my life as best as i can, and not worry about my family ever again. They never think of me, and its fine time i do the same. From this point on, I'm taking it one step at a time and to getting back to who i am. I feel my exhaustion wearing on me, but i still have more to write on. So, Until next time.....

The real letter to my family......

Dear mom,

The more i think about this, the harder it is to tell you exactly what is on my mind. the last couple of days i have been back into the family, i have been ignored once again. I think this will be one of the hardest decisions to make in my life. Not the first and not the last, but one of many that i have to really ponder on and talk to God about.

i think that is one of the biggest things that has hurt me the most. Is you saying to other family members
that i am unGodly. When i first saw that, i was really pissed, but the more i think about it, its the same old tune with you guys. I truly thought you changed, and yet, i see you haven't. That hurt me more than you verbally or physically hurting me. Another part that hurts a lot, is seeing that you are waiting for the old Ashley to come back. Why cant you love me for who i am, instead of wanting whatever Ashley you liked the most?

i will say this, I WILL NEVER BE A SLAVE/MAID/MINDLESS PUPPET TO YOU GUYS EVER AGAIN. I did that for so many years and you know where that got me? It got me an eating disorder, it got me, my cutting problems, it got me mental problems, it got me, to hate myself and etc. Within this last week, i went straight back to all those things. Most of the time, my mind was telling me to cut so bad, that it was the only thing on my mind. Do you know how long it took to get me out of that phase? It took about five years, and then you guys come back into my life, and within a day, i want to do it all over again. Do you know how long it took me to get over my eating disorder and not think of myself as a fat cow, who ate because she was sad? Took about seven years, and then you come back into my life, and one day, went right back to it. I am still working on my sleeping habits, my thinking patterns, but really you are the ones who truly screwed me up.

You want to blame all of this on me or Anthony, but the reality of this is this: He is the one who has helped me immensely. He is the one that got me out of my eating problems and my cutting problems. He is the one who got me to think positive about myself and to change my outer appearance. What can you say you have done for me in the twenty three years of knowing me? You haven't done anything, but put me down, you always had different parenting and affections towards me and [My Sister]. You truly screwed me up, but you deny that. You think it is all in my mind and that you guys are angels.

I think what makes me really upset is this. since i was young, i had to make adult decisions. I had to be the adult and not you guys. When it came to [My Sister], i taught her, i gave her love, i disciplined her when she needed it, but what did you do? You let her do what she wanted, you condone her actions towards me. You condone her bitterness and resent me towards me and let her get away with bloody murder. But with me, no. You took everything so seriously with me. When things got out of control, you would take it out on me, with verbal and physical actions. And afterwards you would buy my love. Thinking that it fixed everything in a heartbeat. But you know what, the patterns didn't stop. I took all that stuff, because i was only a child, and had no where to go. But you on the other hand, knew exactly what you were doing, and you didn't care at all.

All you wanted was to party and leave me with people i didn't know who they were. I have abandonment issues, because from my earliest memories, at age two, i remember you not being there and it freaked me out. I always wondered when you were not around, would you ever come back. What did i do, to make you leave. Did i do something so horrible that you would just up and leave me. I still have that problem because of you. I have to deal with this stupid fear that anyone will leave me because of all the shit you use to do.

With all that and you never believing me of being raped and molested, what hurt the most, is to think that your own daughter is not a Godly person and also, out of her mind, because she is being simply herself. Those things really hurt a lot. How can you judge someone simply because they don't fit the criteria of a "normal Christian". And the only reason you stated that to family of all people, is because i cut you guys out of my life. Guess what, i have every right to cut you out of my life. You have no intentions of changing, nor accepting that you abused me for so many years. So, why should i come back to this family, when all that will be gained is me, hurting myself, and you belittling me? So why should i endure all of this pain when in the end, you will feel nothing but happiness, because you cant stand your own lives?
 So i want to know, where do you get to come off that I'm not a Christian, doing what God wants all because I'm cutting family out of my life, and that i am making up all these so called lies? You do know in the Bible, when people do not repent for their sins, and people will never change or accept things they have done, that I can rebuke you in the name of Jesus, because i have that right. And that is exactly what i am doing. I have endured more than enough pain from all of you and it is time that i live my life the way it was intended, without you ever in my life.

I want you guys to think long and hard as to why i am writing this out. I want you to see the consequences are, for abusing your child. I want you to see how it is when people do not accept you nor love you because of things you have done. You don't think that is Christian like, well guess what, you are never Christians in the first place, as you keep repeating the same patterns over and over. Also as i have stated above, another thing that has made my decision final on cutting you guys out forever is this. When i saw you writing to family on one of my pics, that you are waiting for me to be my old self and come back to your side. I hate to break it to you, i am never going to be that person ever again. I hated that person, who always appeased you and you still never liked what i did. Why should i be that mindless puppet for the sake of being accepted for a few moments? And then be ignored all over again? I don't think so. I have vowed inside myself that i am never going back to that old person. I regretted doing that in the past, but i have open my eyes now. I know who i am and you hate every ounce to that, because you cant control my life anymore.

If anyone has the right to say who is unGodly is me. I have seen every side of you guys and there is not one ounce of Godly fruits and works at all. Yet, you keep deluding yourselves to thinking you are this wonderful Christian family. But i will say this, you are not. I am exposing who you really are, in my blog, in my memoir and other places. It is fine time, that i speak about this publicly, and clear myself from all of this burden. And that is what you are. A big huge burden that i will not carry anymore. You have screwed yourself into having a family with me and my future family. When i have kids, they will never know about you and it will stay like that forever. I don't want them to ever know how you act and what your fruits truly are.

You have a wonderful life with dad and [My Sister]. I am very happy where i am at, and so grateful to have someone in my life to actually love me for who i am. And to help me be a better person. I am done with being the only adult in that family and i am done with all the drama that is surrounded by all of you.
 One last thing before i go. Do not spy on me, through face book or my blog or Anthony's blog. Leave us be. And when there is another death in the family, i do not want to hear about it. If i find out on my own accord then so be it, but from now on, you guys are dead to me. So leave me and Anthony in peace.

                                                           Not your daughter/family anymore

January 17, 2012

what Daddy has been doing lately...

Below is what Daddy said to me in messenger when i woke up today. I wake up to find a small bunch of pelled oranges for me, on His pillow. And after that, He wrote that to me. it really made my day.

Daddy: I caught an orange fairy
Daddy: but I let her go
me: lol
Daddy: did you steal her oranges
me: lol i ate them
Daddy: as I expected
Daddy: sniff
me: aww
Daddy: She gave them them
Daddy: for letting her go
Daddy: lol
Daddy: they were mine

As all of you know, i've been hitting some rough patches. With dealing with family and with my grandma dying... that i think it is very sweet that Daddy is trying to comfort me. He has been complimenting me on loosing a lot of weight and saying how pretty i am. which He rarely does that. Also, with the oranges today, i am very grateful to have Him in my life.

people who dont listen....

aa;do u have skype
aa;so how we can see each other
me:wont happen
me;because im not allowed to do that
me:for one
me:and two i hate it
aa;why do u hate it
me:because i do. It's like people judge you on your looks before trying to get to know you
me;so that is why i hate it
aa;yes that 's true
aa;u re totally right
aa:can i be one of friend
me;yes, you can a friend
aa:how can i be ur friend
aa:tell me
aa;no any more other
aa:u don't have skype or yahoo
me:i have yahoo, but i dont usually give my email out, though
me;i do chat on the messenger
aa:which one, msn or yahoo?
me:msn though no cam and such
aa;no cam
me:not allowed to have it
aa:but i like cam
me;sorry cant do it
me:last time im saying that
aa;i now what do affraid
aa:i not bad person
me;doesnt matter
me;i have my lifestyle i go by
me;and i obey my Master
aa;before that tell ur skype
me;i dont have skype
me;shessh someone wasnt listening

Okay with this pm, it was getting a bit tiresome. This is a reason why i have so many rules within myself and on the Internet and such. One thing that will piss me off really fast is not listening to me. And over and over with that. I have a problem with people not listening to me and i vowed i would never give enough of myself if people are not listening at all. 

But i do try to give people a chance. But only a few at that. After a while, if they still do not listen then i give them an ear full and keep on going. I'm not here to be just a muted person. I am here to talk, i am here to make friends. And with that, you have to talk and actually listen. 

But with this guy, of course he couldn't just listen and all he wanted was his needs to be fulfilled. As i have stated over and over on wire club and here, i do not do that kind of stuff. I only talk, dont cyber and such. Have fun with the pm, Until next time.....

January 16, 2012

Interworks of Ashpea part ten...

Oh where do i begin with this. I find out today on my own accord that my grandmother died. At first Daddy just assumed it was about my grandmother and i jumped to the conclusion she died. So, i decided to go on my aunts face book page, and sure enough, she died. At first i was shocked. I really screamed and bawled my eyes out. And then it sunk it, and i started cussing them out. I didn't know how much i was angry at them. It was a shock to me. Daddy got mad as well, and said why didn't your family call you, or at least emailed you that. He said, i would do it for you, if you wanted me to. I couldn't help but so fucking mad at them it's not funny.

I sat there for a while, just thinking how mad I'm at, at my grandma for not even trying to give some kind of closure. I kept rewinding those thoughts. Just five months ago, i tried to get in touch with my grandma. She was the only one i loved, and i knew she was dying. Why i tried getting closure and to see how her chemo and such was going. And few days later, no email back. I bawled that hard as well, and wondering why she did that. Daddy told me, she wasn't a good woman and that you even told me, if you are not in the family, she doesn't call at all. And that is true, hence what she did to me. And even at that time my mind focus on, what was true and what was lies even with her. I always hate sorting through my memories to even figure out what are lies and what is truth. No child should ever do that, and yet here i am, doing that still.

I am so angry at her and my family i just don't know what to do with it. I had these thoughts yesterday and it makes me break down just a bit. How was she at the end? Was it painful, or was it peaceful? Is she in Heaven now? Did she even ask for me? I don't know how to feel with these thoughts in my head. I feel numb for the most part, but when memories come up, which there have been a lot, the anger and hurt comes up.

My thoughts on my grandma are these: of all the things she has said to me, I'm proud of you ashley, you are one of my best grandchildren i have. As i ponder on that, was that just a lie, and could be easily taken back, since I'm not with the family anymore? My sharpest memories is at the end. About a year ago, i was on speaking terms, off and on with family and grandma called me. She told me those few months, she was coughing up blood and didn't want to go the doctors for it. And i was worried sick about that. But the more i look back at it, it was sorta to get me back for not really loving my family. Just like she wore black and gave black roses to my aunt.

It makes me step back and think who was my grandma. i thought i knew her so well, and yet i dont know her at all. Are all my memories false with her and just pure lies? I hate doing this to myself and tearing myself apart to figure out the truth of all the things that went on in my life.
 Am i ever going to look at doing homemade Christmas ornaments and other projects like that? Or any of the stuff we have done together? I don't like thinking like this, but what can you do? So many memories that is going through me, i have to sit here, and think, okay well is this truthful or a lie.

I think what is wearing me down right now, is that i feel my blocked memories that involved with my family and my grandma is slowly coming up. I have been bashing it down and down to the point i am emotionally exhausted. what is even more exhausting is people still try to talk to you about their problems and don't give you a break at all. It's like give me a few days on my own, yes I'm online but doesnt mean i can handle every little thing. I am a human being as well, and need to time to think of what is going on.

but, on to the stuff, the funeral is Thursday, and my family is going to go. I have been thinking, if i had the money, would i go? But the more i think on it, i don't think i would. Reason being, is for one, im disowned, two, if i go it will start a fight and i know the whole damn family is there and the mafia people will be there, i really don't want to deal with them. Then on top of that, i have to hold my breath til about a week if not more, if family is ever going to call the cops on me, and tell me that way. I hate worrying and the more i think on that, the more i become anxious. And i really hate that.

On top of that, I'm not mad at God, what i want is answers. The stuff i mentioned before but most of all, the dream i had about grandma years back. I want to know, if that dream came true, and why that dream is popping up a lot. I cant feel if she is in Heaven or in Hell, and it kinda hurts. God gave me that dream and mom telling me with God saying it, that she would go to Heaven, but is she there? I don't even get that feeling in my heart at all. She didn't know God personally at all, and when people tried talking to her about Him, she would throw things, cuss your ass out and said don't do that again. What am i suppose to do? I cant delude myself to think she is in Heaven or not. I just have to try and keep on going. To be continued maybe....