About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

January 16, 2012

Interworks of Ashpea part ten...

Oh where do i begin with this. I find out today on my own accord that my grandmother died. At first Daddy just assumed it was about my grandmother and i jumped to the conclusion she died. So, i decided to go on my aunts face book page, and sure enough, she died. At first i was shocked. I really screamed and bawled my eyes out. And then it sunk it, and i started cussing them out. I didn't know how much i was angry at them. It was a shock to me. Daddy got mad as well, and said why didn't your family call you, or at least emailed you that. He said, i would do it for you, if you wanted me to. I couldn't help but so fucking mad at them it's not funny.

I sat there for a while, just thinking how mad I'm at, at my grandma for not even trying to give some kind of closure. I kept rewinding those thoughts. Just five months ago, i tried to get in touch with my grandma. She was the only one i loved, and i knew she was dying. Why i tried getting closure and to see how her chemo and such was going. And few days later, no email back. I bawled that hard as well, and wondering why she did that. Daddy told me, she wasn't a good woman and that you even told me, if you are not in the family, she doesn't call at all. And that is true, hence what she did to me. And even at that time my mind focus on, what was true and what was lies even with her. I always hate sorting through my memories to even figure out what are lies and what is truth. No child should ever do that, and yet here i am, doing that still.

I am so angry at her and my family i just don't know what to do with it. I had these thoughts yesterday and it makes me break down just a bit. How was she at the end? Was it painful, or was it peaceful? Is she in Heaven now? Did she even ask for me? I don't know how to feel with these thoughts in my head. I feel numb for the most part, but when memories come up, which there have been a lot, the anger and hurt comes up.

My thoughts on my grandma are these: of all the things she has said to me, I'm proud of you ashley, you are one of my best grandchildren i have. As i ponder on that, was that just a lie, and could be easily taken back, since I'm not with the family anymore? My sharpest memories is at the end. About a year ago, i was on speaking terms, off and on with family and grandma called me. She told me those few months, she was coughing up blood and didn't want to go the doctors for it. And i was worried sick about that. But the more i look back at it, it was sorta to get me back for not really loving my family. Just like she wore black and gave black roses to my aunt.

It makes me step back and think who was my grandma. i thought i knew her so well, and yet i dont know her at all. Are all my memories false with her and just pure lies? I hate doing this to myself and tearing myself apart to figure out the truth of all the things that went on in my life.
 Am i ever going to look at doing homemade Christmas ornaments and other projects like that? Or any of the stuff we have done together? I don't like thinking like this, but what can you do? So many memories that is going through me, i have to sit here, and think, okay well is this truthful or a lie.

I think what is wearing me down right now, is that i feel my blocked memories that involved with my family and my grandma is slowly coming up. I have been bashing it down and down to the point i am emotionally exhausted. what is even more exhausting is people still try to talk to you about their problems and don't give you a break at all. It's like give me a few days on my own, yes I'm online but doesnt mean i can handle every little thing. I am a human being as well, and need to time to think of what is going on.

but, on to the stuff, the funeral is Thursday, and my family is going to go. I have been thinking, if i had the money, would i go? But the more i think on it, i don't think i would. Reason being, is for one, im disowned, two, if i go it will start a fight and i know the whole damn family is there and the mafia people will be there, i really don't want to deal with them. Then on top of that, i have to hold my breath til about a week if not more, if family is ever going to call the cops on me, and tell me that way. I hate worrying and the more i think on that, the more i become anxious. And i really hate that.

On top of that, I'm not mad at God, what i want is answers. The stuff i mentioned before but most of all, the dream i had about grandma years back. I want to know, if that dream came true, and why that dream is popping up a lot. I cant feel if she is in Heaven or in Hell, and it kinda hurts. God gave me that dream and mom telling me with God saying it, that she would go to Heaven, but is she there? I don't even get that feeling in my heart at all. She didn't know God personally at all, and when people tried talking to her about Him, she would throw things, cuss your ass out and said don't do that again. What am i suppose to do? I cant delude myself to think she is in Heaven or not. I just have to try and keep on going. To be continued maybe....

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