About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

January 28, 2012

Letter to my grandma

*Oh gosh, i wrote this,thinking I'm not going to cry at all. Yet here i am, crying. No matter how many times i think of grandma, i cry. When i talk to my grandpa and Kelly i cry. I didn't know how much i really loved my grandma and the others, until now. Oh my gosh, i miss you guys so much. *

Dear Grandma,

i want to say sorry for being so mad at you. I didn't know that my family kept me away from you. I didn't know how evil they were and are. I'm sorry, and i hope you forgive me on that. But with that, I'm sorry that we both didn't get any closure before you died. I wish i got it, but with this, and the things you will be giving me, will be my closure. 

I want to say, how much i really miss you and how much i truly love you. I hate to say this, but you were like my mother and what i have heard from Kelly, you always wanted to protect me and for me to feel comfortable around you guys. i really want to thank you for that. For that, you have given me good memories, when things were so bad. And i keep those memories dear to me. 

I am very angry at my damn mother for saying how evil you were at the end, and to say all of this, when you have died. My mom and sister can not even respect the dead. Sigh, but i knew deep down that wasn't who you were. I knew exactly who you were and yet my mother tried spouting all this evil stuff so i could just be my puppet self again. And i feel really guilty that i had to dig up every memory i have with you, to see if they were real and true memories or if it was something else. 

I know now, that i am not letting or accepting my mothers lies ever again. with that, i loved you so much and i still do. I wish at the end, we could of talked about everything like we have done for so long. I miss going up there to see you, and to spend the whole vacation with you. I miss sleeping in your bed, right next to you, watching Rudy, and talking about things before going to bed. 

and one memory that i miss a lot, which was when i was young. I remember being in your bed, late at night, you were curling your hair with the rollers, and going through your box, asking what is this and etc. And you said, do you want me to curl your hair, and i beamed yes, and that is what you did. sat there, curling it, and talking about everything with me. I felt like i was at home, and i keep that memory dear to me. I don't think i ever told you that memory or anyone but Anthony that one. But, from that time on, i knew how much you loved me, and would do everything with me. 

I will miss going to yard sales with you. Picking out things and haggling people down lol. When i do that again, i will be crying, thinking, i wish i could do this with you. I really miss doing all the stuff we have loved. especially our crafts. That is a lot of memories right there. I loved every moment. Each time you wanted to them, i would be right there, content and happy. I miss going to Michael's with you, buying things to do the crafts. And i am happy that i got to do some Christmas crafts with you. That was one thing i wanted to do so badly and i didn't get to thank you for those lovely memories. 

I know there is one regret with me, that is you always wanting to teach me euchre. I never did that, because we had so much stuff to do in a little bit of time. I know if i lived there, you would of taught me, but along with the rest of the memories, it sticks, because you always loved teaching me new things. One of these days, i will visit your grave and talk to you out loud instead of this letter. But, i want you to know, that even when i thought you disowned me, i still thought of you all the time. I was always worried about you. Wondering if you were doing okay, what was going on. I wanted so badly to talk to you, but of course, i lost your number. But, the things i will be getting, will be good enough and now i know that you didn't disown me at all, takes a lot of worries and stress off my shoulders. 

I'm sorry though that you hurt so much, and you wanted to talk to me so badly. I am really sorry for that, but i am thankful you are out of pain now. I know this may hurt, but i think i would be as strong as i am now, if i saw you going through that. i think it would of tore me up so much, that it is unbearable to think on that. But, do know i will always love you, and when i have children, i will talking about you so much. All our memories, and everything. You mean a lot to me, and i am very thankful, for you loving me no matter what. 

 I will always hold you dear to my heart. Love Ashpea

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