About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

January 20, 2012

The real letter to my family......

Dear mom,

The more i think about this, the harder it is to tell you exactly what is on my mind. the last couple of days i have been back into the family, i have been ignored once again. I think this will be one of the hardest decisions to make in my life. Not the first and not the last, but one of many that i have to really ponder on and talk to God about.

i think that is one of the biggest things that has hurt me the most. Is you saying to other family members
that i am unGodly. When i first saw that, i was really pissed, but the more i think about it, its the same old tune with you guys. I truly thought you changed, and yet, i see you haven't. That hurt me more than you verbally or physically hurting me. Another part that hurts a lot, is seeing that you are waiting for the old Ashley to come back. Why cant you love me for who i am, instead of wanting whatever Ashley you liked the most?

i will say this, I WILL NEVER BE A SLAVE/MAID/MINDLESS PUPPET TO YOU GUYS EVER AGAIN. I did that for so many years and you know where that got me? It got me an eating disorder, it got me, my cutting problems, it got me mental problems, it got me, to hate myself and etc. Within this last week, i went straight back to all those things. Most of the time, my mind was telling me to cut so bad, that it was the only thing on my mind. Do you know how long it took to get me out of that phase? It took about five years, and then you guys come back into my life, and within a day, i want to do it all over again. Do you know how long it took me to get over my eating disorder and not think of myself as a fat cow, who ate because she was sad? Took about seven years, and then you come back into my life, and one day, went right back to it. I am still working on my sleeping habits, my thinking patterns, but really you are the ones who truly screwed me up.

You want to blame all of this on me or Anthony, but the reality of this is this: He is the one who has helped me immensely. He is the one that got me out of my eating problems and my cutting problems. He is the one who got me to think positive about myself and to change my outer appearance. What can you say you have done for me in the twenty three years of knowing me? You haven't done anything, but put me down, you always had different parenting and affections towards me and [My Sister]. You truly screwed me up, but you deny that. You think it is all in my mind and that you guys are angels.

I think what makes me really upset is this. since i was young, i had to make adult decisions. I had to be the adult and not you guys. When it came to [My Sister], i taught her, i gave her love, i disciplined her when she needed it, but what did you do? You let her do what she wanted, you condone her actions towards me. You condone her bitterness and resent me towards me and let her get away with bloody murder. But with me, no. You took everything so seriously with me. When things got out of control, you would take it out on me, with verbal and physical actions. And afterwards you would buy my love. Thinking that it fixed everything in a heartbeat. But you know what, the patterns didn't stop. I took all that stuff, because i was only a child, and had no where to go. But you on the other hand, knew exactly what you were doing, and you didn't care at all.

All you wanted was to party and leave me with people i didn't know who they were. I have abandonment issues, because from my earliest memories, at age two, i remember you not being there and it freaked me out. I always wondered when you were not around, would you ever come back. What did i do, to make you leave. Did i do something so horrible that you would just up and leave me. I still have that problem because of you. I have to deal with this stupid fear that anyone will leave me because of all the shit you use to do.

With all that and you never believing me of being raped and molested, what hurt the most, is to think that your own daughter is not a Godly person and also, out of her mind, because she is being simply herself. Those things really hurt a lot. How can you judge someone simply because they don't fit the criteria of a "normal Christian". And the only reason you stated that to family of all people, is because i cut you guys out of my life. Guess what, i have every right to cut you out of my life. You have no intentions of changing, nor accepting that you abused me for so many years. So, why should i come back to this family, when all that will be gained is me, hurting myself, and you belittling me? So why should i endure all of this pain when in the end, you will feel nothing but happiness, because you cant stand your own lives?
 So i want to know, where do you get to come off that I'm not a Christian, doing what God wants all because I'm cutting family out of my life, and that i am making up all these so called lies? You do know in the Bible, when people do not repent for their sins, and people will never change or accept things they have done, that I can rebuke you in the name of Jesus, because i have that right. And that is exactly what i am doing. I have endured more than enough pain from all of you and it is time that i live my life the way it was intended, without you ever in my life.

I want you guys to think long and hard as to why i am writing this out. I want you to see the consequences are, for abusing your child. I want you to see how it is when people do not accept you nor love you because of things you have done. You don't think that is Christian like, well guess what, you are never Christians in the first place, as you keep repeating the same patterns over and over. Also as i have stated above, another thing that has made my decision final on cutting you guys out forever is this. When i saw you writing to family on one of my pics, that you are waiting for me to be my old self and come back to your side. I hate to break it to you, i am never going to be that person ever again. I hated that person, who always appeased you and you still never liked what i did. Why should i be that mindless puppet for the sake of being accepted for a few moments? And then be ignored all over again? I don't think so. I have vowed inside myself that i am never going back to that old person. I regretted doing that in the past, but i have open my eyes now. I know who i am and you hate every ounce to that, because you cant control my life anymore.

If anyone has the right to say who is unGodly is me. I have seen every side of you guys and there is not one ounce of Godly fruits and works at all. Yet, you keep deluding yourselves to thinking you are this wonderful Christian family. But i will say this, you are not. I am exposing who you really are, in my blog, in my memoir and other places. It is fine time, that i speak about this publicly, and clear myself from all of this burden. And that is what you are. A big huge burden that i will not carry anymore. You have screwed yourself into having a family with me and my future family. When i have kids, they will never know about you and it will stay like that forever. I don't want them to ever know how you act and what your fruits truly are.

You have a wonderful life with dad and [My Sister]. I am very happy where i am at, and so grateful to have someone in my life to actually love me for who i am. And to help me be a better person. I am done with being the only adult in that family and i am done with all the drama that is surrounded by all of you.
 One last thing before i go. Do not spy on me, through face book or my blog or Anthony's blog. Leave us be. And when there is another death in the family, i do not want to hear about it. If i find out on my own accord then so be it, but from now on, you guys are dead to me. So leave me and Anthony in peace.

                                                           Not your daughter/family anymore

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