About Me

My photo
I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

January 20, 2012

seeing through my family once again....

Lorraine Q miss her so much. if she only knew how much she is loved May 3, 2011
Jennifer C I know...this August will be a year since she last spoke to me. It kills me but what can I do.....
May 3, 2011
Dan K just still love her and pray that she allows GOD to soften her heart!! June 7, 2011
Jennifer C that's exactly how i've been praying! She'll come around...in God's time, not mine June 7, 2011
Dan K thats what im doing and praying 4 on my oldest boy steven!! my youngest boy daniel and i r getting along fine!! June 7, 2011
Jennifer C that's good to hear =) Don't know what got into Ashley...but I know that once God moves in her life she will be the Ashley I raised...waiting for that day to arrive! June 7, 2011
Amanda K Wait where's ashley last I knew she waz still with u guys... is she ok?? June 7, 2011
John Q no, she's been living in Montana for over 3 years now and cut off all ties with ANY family members June 7, 2011
Amanda K WHT wow thts crazy June 8, 2011
Amanda K Do u kno why?? June 8, 2011
Jennifer C I will fill u in when we get up there...we'll be up there the first week of July...so hopefully we will be able to see each other..I need an Amanda hug and I know Kayla does too lol xoxo June 8, 2011
John Q i love you ashley wish i could see yiu June 9, 2011

As you can see, this is my fucking family for you. I felt like today, and even yesterday that they have changed for the better and then i find this on my pics on my mothers face book. See what happened is that i got bored and thought what the hell, ill check out the pics. I see there's two pics of me there. The last one is fine, nothing really since it is me and Daddy, but the one when I'm alone, oh by, the above is what was written on that pic. 

Where do i even begin with family. All of this feels like a part of my memoir and its really sad. I see that this chapter open and closed pretty fast and I'm really sad about that. I should of never have called them, but it's my nature to do that. I have always been like that, and Daddy said don't fight your nature. It just makes me so angry to find this and especially all weeks it had to be this week. 

I know i am going through a rough patch, but what is odd about it, it's not that huge really. Sad all the stuff i have gone through with Daddy, has felt bigger and worse than this. And yet, this is another thing i have to deal with. I have gone on this roller coaster of emotions of abuse with my family for twenty three years. 

As i sat here bawling my eyes out once again, i am back to all my old stuff right now. Wanting to eat to hide my emotions, wanting to throw up, because of how sick they are. Wanting to cut to feel that i am truly here, feel like i need Daddy to really punish me to get all of this aggression and sadness out of me. Everything I've gone through and change for the better, is being hit hard right now. 

I feel like I'm lost for words and that in some way, i took this pretty hard. With my grandma dying and seeing how she was at the end, and then family doing this not even a full year, is bullshit. One thing i truly hate is being judged for something i haven't even done. That is one pet peeves my family has hit so many times, it's not even funny. 

Daddy is taking the brunt of it. Seeing my ugly sides all over again. Seeing that I'm not eating, and then wanting to eat until i throw up, is horrible.  He has been wonderful through all of this. He has been pampering me, and pushing His problems to the side, and truly trying to take care of me. He understands how horrible my family is, since He first hand experienced Himself. 
 I truly do not know where i would be without Him. He meshes well with me, and everything i needed in a person. I am very grateful for having Him in my life.. and you know what, fuck family and saying He's going to rape me, all i am going to be to Him is fuck toy. 

My family has never said anything good about Him. And when i was in good terms with family, only about six months at a time, i would talk about Him, because He is my everything, i can always feel the tension from them. They have always hated Him and you know what, I'm glad they do. I don't want my children(when i have them) to never know who my family is, until they want to learn on their own. I'm truly done with them. 

I've been on this roller coaster for far too long. It's time to get off and stay off. But, the above, I'm totally pissed at it. Saying, I'm not a Christian, all because i cut family out of my life? They have no right to say that. They should not judge me and think they know who i am all because of the shit that went on in the family. And then i see they still talk bad about me, like I'm the only thing they can feel good about. How Christian like is that of them to do that? And they have never ever say I'm sorry to me, or even change to show me they truly care for me. And they say I'm not the Christian. 

I'm truly sick of it. i am tired of the mind games and saying that i will crawl back and be the old puppet i use to be. Fuck that, i think that is bullshit. They were waiting for me to crawl back and act like I'm going to be their damn slave. I think that is bull shit. In my mind now, i think what is next. What plans do they have now? Just a lot of bull shit that i have to clear out all over again. 

All this does is open the fucking wounds that i have healed for quite some time, and yet here they are being ripped open all over again. What is a person suppose to do? I've done all that i could. I was the only one who tried to have a family. And yet, I'm the one that is off the path of God. Is it because I'm in the lifestyle or what is the purpose to do this to me? 

I have my grandparents saying they love me, but those are just empty lies. All it is, is to show how good they are to their friends and family and that really makes me sick to my stomach. You should love someone no matter what. And not get on a damn site and blabbing it to the whole world how wonderful that person is.. sigh, i just don't know where this is leading to. And what about God? Why is He letting this happen all over again. 

The last time i said i wipe my feet and went my way, i thought i had breast cancer, and i had to talk to family. And not even five months of that, another fucking battle was waged and i was the bad guy. So many hurt feelings on my end, so many endless name calling and threatening letters, that i said fuck it, I'm done. And then now this. My grandma is dead, and i had to call my family up because it is in my nature to do that, but i should of said no i don't want to talk to mom. I did that to myself. I do admit that. But, i want to know, what is God up to. 

This makes the second thing sorta huge in my life, that i have to go back to family. Doesn't He see that I'm the only one in that damn family who has ever tried so hard to be loved? He surely must see that, because i cry to sleep each night, wanting a family to love me for who i am. And one that never hurt me and take my feelings and myself for granted and wanted something so diabolical that it makes you so mad. 

I have noticed one thing though and it scares the hell out of me. I see where most of my anger comes from. It's my family. After my grandma died, i had all this pent up anger towards all of them, that i had to take twenty steps back from myself and see who this person was. And with that, i thought, each time family does stuff, i have to always take so many steps back from myself and analyze myself to death. To see if I'm the one who is evil or if it is them. I am the one who has to question if her morals and being a Christian is true and not being a fake person. And does my family ever do that? No, they do what the hell they want, and never have to question any of their motives at all. 

I know i have all this anger inside of me, but maybe it is good to see where it comes from, and that slowly i can work on getting it under control and not be such an angry person. As God says, we cant be angry forever, because all it does is festers and makes you a bitter person. And i truly don't want to be like that at all. I want to be a good Christian and do what God wants. Maybe I'm doing that right now, and i hope i am.. but i know there is room for change in me and I'm accepting it as a gift and to be better than what i am. For now, I'm going to try and live my life as best as i can, and not worry about my family ever again. They never think of me, and its fine time i do the same. From this point on, I'm taking it one step at a time and to getting back to who i am. I feel my exhaustion wearing on me, but i still have more to write on. So, Until next time.....

No comments:

Post a Comment