About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

January 27, 2012

What's been on my mind....


I'm glad today was a good day. I have been waiting for my aunt to get back to me, so i can get my stuff grandma made and what we did together. I am very happy to say that i have some of my family back into my life. Not only do they see what i went through, but they understand why i left the way i did. They accept me fully for who i am, and even said, if I'm happy and not being hurt, which I'm not, then why cant she do what she wants. I'm glad that they see it as that. Sure, they don't understand the lifestyle, but that is okay, i will open up a lot on that, and show, I'm not being abused because I'm not. I am merely being myself.

But, with all that, i found out some things about my so called mother and sis. I see that they kept me away from grandma. Not giving numbers so i can at least say goodbye and that i am all right. I am very pissed on that and have the audacity of saying that i should not know what is going on. How so? I have every right to that. I am after all her granddaughter. I love her dearly. So, why keep me out? Hm, because i am disowned from them so it makes me disowned from everyone, i don't think so.

That really upsets me. In fact, so mad that i was shaking violently. I wanted to contact them and cuss them out, but that is my temper talking. I knew all along they would do this. I knew they were evil, but i didn't see how bad. It just shows you, i cant be with them at all. Like i have said over and over, i hope one day they open up their eyes and when i see the huge change in them, i will accept them willingly and gladly that they are the parents i have missed all my life. But for now, it stays like this.

I also found out something on my mother that i never knew. With this info, it makes see her in a different light. I wont say exactly what it is, not just yet, i think because well, i need to let it sink in, and to fit all the missing and broken links of memories and such, that goes with her. With this, i will say, it has always been a whirl pool of emotions, memories and etc, that i am emotionally exhausted again.
 As i am listening to a lot of christian songs that i love, to get me back to where i need to be, i have one that fits my mother a bit. One that is called slow fade by casting crowns. Mostly it will go to me, but it is a flow fade, of getting over people who have hurt you for years on end. It is a slow fade to coming back from that side of life. It will always be a slow fade, to forgetting those who have hurt you dearly. Especially it being family.

It has been taking me almost three years in real life to get rid of all the nasty things my mother and sister has done. It also has taken me five years to get myself to think differently and to see myself in a different light. It takes a very long time, to erase the hurt that they have inflicted and it takes even longer to regain who you have always been, yourself. I would know, as it has taken me all those years to get to where i am at right now. But, i also know that i am not done yet. I have so much more to do, but i am willingly to battle that, because i love who i see today.

I have changed a lot in the past five years and it shocks me to see this person. I am very grateful for God putting Daddy into my life. He has helped me change and mold me into this person today. I don't know if words themselves could utterly express my deep love and everything He has done. (I will be writing into depth of what W/we have gone through)

But, with that, my mother hates that. always hated someone taking me away from her, but she can easily ignore or get rid of me, but no one else can do that. I think it is funny how that goes. But my mother will always be like that and it's a bit sad.

Um with that said, i talked to my aunt today. It has been a very long time since i talked to my aunt and what not. Been longer without seeing them. When i left home, i just cut everyone out, because well i felt like i didn't have any other choice at the time. They believed my mother instead of me, and at the time i was upset about that. But now, i don't have any hate, anger, bitterness or anything. I know they didn't know what was going on in that home, because simply they did not live there. So, that is why, i don't have anything for them, but for my mother to try and talk stuff about me, even to this day, now i have feelings for that.

I am very angry and upset that my family shut me out and not give my grandma, my grandma my number. It makes my blood boil a bit, for them saying i have no right to know what grandma was going through. And wouldn't give my number. with that, i assumed my grandma disowned me, and that she didn't love me. Even at the end, i thought that, and why i was so mad at her.
 And as i talked with my mother, i see that it was her, filling me with lies all over again. and me being so stupid to believe that grandma was like that. I cant believe that i believed it and that i didn't look to see if it add up or not.

But, with talking to my aunt, i am finally getting back on good terms with the family that accepts me. I hope that they are not mad at me at all, for doing what i thought was necessary at that time. But, i think they know that now, and we can get back on very good terms.
 With that, i have a lot of things coming to me. I am very excited to get. It may hurt a bit, but it will be all good memories with grandma's stuff. I will be getting scrapbooks, books, some jewelery, puzzles, ornaments(so happy for that), and other things. I so cant wait, because this will be a closure to me. And also, to know that this was my grandma. And will always have good memories. That i will be doing this with my children, when i have them, and i will be doing it with my grandchildren. How much she had brought happiness into my life.

I really want to thank her, since i didn't get to, that i am very grateful she made me feel accepted to the q side of the family. I didn't know she did that at an early age, and i love her even more for doing that. because i always wondered if i was accepted or not. I always wanted to be accepted at least somewhere in the family and i was. Today has been a very good day, and with that, it has screwed my emotions up,lol.

But with this post, i just wanted to get my emotions out, as to there has been a lot of things going on, in the past few days. and this is my only way of getting it out. Until next time....

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