About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

April 1, 2012

Rules to being friends with me/rant

Today seems to be idiot day. When things go on for me, its not one litle thing, it's a lot of stuff. From people nitpicking my poetry, which annoys me, to idiots who think their opinion is better than mine. And to especially call me woman, and cant read my fucking profile correctly, should not come across me.
 You wonder why im so anti social. I see it grower more and more each day. My patience is growing very slim these days to idiots and rude people who come to me. It's like they flock in groups, one after another. And you wonder why i start yelling and becoming a cold bitch to people.

Maybe it is the stress in my life. As i cant do things in it, and im lashing out. Maybe it could be that i will be starting soon(a girl thing) and my symtomps are bad this time around.
 It could be also, that i thought i made a good friend and i see already they are growing weary of me. And it hurts to the core, because i confided so much. I gave a piece of myself away, and it's just to the wind.
 It hurts when you do that, and i do it each time. I think i make a good friend, and over a few days time, i see that they are upset with me, i see that they are bothered by me and etc. I know at some length it is my fault. I know im a very stubborn person to get along with. I know that i have a bad temper, but i am changing. I mean we are all human beings. i know i have faults as well. But you dont see me running away after people have faults. I only do that when people do not listen to me, on my rules and what not. But other than that, i know people have faults and i accept that, and get past it bit by bit.

What i dont get and what hurts, is giving yourself to someone who you think is your friend, hurts a lot. Right now, im in a weird funk, as i know this relationship isnt working out at all. It was a quick fix for this girl, and she will just go her way. I hate giving myself to people who only want an outlet for their feelings, but i have to keep mine shut, and keep going to let them talk about their feelings.
 I hate people like that. I had many so called friends who did that to me long ago, and no more will i do this. No more will i put myself in a place that i will get hurt or things wont go any further than them getting their feelings out. This is why im making a list of rules, if you truly want to be my friend. I hate to do this, and may be very strict, but this is how i cope with things. So here is my list, online:
 A. No adding me without talking to me first and foremost.
 B. The first words out of your mouth, or techinally typing, hey baby sexy or hey can i see your pics, or you want sex, there will be no going further than a fuck you and blocked for a while.
 C. If you get this far, pat your back. But it just gets harder from here to earn my trust. We start to talk about things, getting to know one another. Small talk really, nothing of personal past or such. If i see if we are fit, then you will hit the next point.
 D. You should be proud by getting this far. At this point, i will look to see if you talk to me on a daily basis. And by wanting to talk and listen to me as well.
 From there, i will assess all the pros and cons since day one we have chatted. If you do all of this, then you will go to the next round.
 E. from here, i will slowly open up a bit. No forcing me to talk about my past. I will open up, if i see you are worthy of it. And be a true friend like i am with others.
 From there, i will look back and asses as well, if i see you are getting bored of me, run away because of what i say, if you respect me and my lifestyle and what ive gone through. If i see that you run away, disappear, say something negative in the chat, say im a bothersome, i will cut you out.
 F. from there, i can open more so of who i am. And still keep going with assessing each times. And it will be like this til i can see truly you are worthy to be my friend. I will see if you can weather my emotions and what not, as i do with others.

I hate that this has to be, but it's the only way i know how to get through all of this. I am tired of giving myself to people who are not worthy of my time and who i am. I am tired of talking about my past, and reliving it each time, as it hits huge things inside me. I am tired that people get bored of me, within a few times of talking and i have to stay or be subjected to it, because i have no one else, but Daddy to talk to.

Im slowly learning this hard lesson in my life. But i have to do something in order to be myself. I am scaring myself, as i am doing things all over again, as i did in the past, and it scares the hell out of me, because people cant be true, cant be trusted of things and it effects me big time.

Right now, i see im doing this weird time lapse and such. A few years ago, i thought i was smaller than i am now. And feels like i was living a make believe world. Im doing it all over again. And this is not something i want to keep doing. As it messes with me. I feel like
things are true and i keep with it. And then later down the road, they are not true at all. What is going on with me? I feel like im crazy. I feel like im breaking all over again, but this time not in a good way.

I have to do something. Im looking into the free counseling and see if they can help in a way. Because i cant be doing this all through my life. I got to see what the hell is going on with me. Sigh, all i know is i cant get any medicine for it. I got to know why im anti social, and getting worse each month if not year.

I really didnt think this would hurt me but it did. I guess because i talked about my past, i mean in huge length and i see they didnt care at all. And its screwing with me. Im having nightmares, or im not dreaming at all. Im doing the time lapse with thinking one thing is real when it isnt. I think i need to go in. Okay well enough of my ramblings. Sigh.

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