About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

March 27, 2013

Journal of a Water Nymph day one.....

March 20,2013

Today has been a tiresome day. My thoughts go back to yesterday with me fighting with Daddy again. I dont know what is going on lately. But ive been fighting with Him so much, that it makes me feel so bad and like im not being a good slave at all. What's going on with me? 

I dont know if im just snapping because i feel like i cant talk to Daddy? Or that W/we are not doing the lifestyle that much, and it builds up in my system so much that i need pain in order to be obedient. Sigh when i feel like this, i feel like maybe W/we are not meant for this lifestyle and just try to be vanilla and be in an actual relationship instead of this. 

I know these are just thoughts that come up when W/we dont mesh at all and dont feel that bond there. I feel so bad, because i want to be a really good slave and obey Daddy, but when i try my hardest, that is when i become more aggressive, and disobey even more so. I dont get why im like this. What is wrong with me? 

The fight this time, sigh should of never came up. I got so mad and so scared i didnt know what to do. Daddy wanted to buy a laptop as this one really sucks. And when He bid on it and won, He started to panic and just worry about it. I tried to just think W/we can get by with little money and try not to worry about it. But Daddy was panicking so much and felt helpless i just attacked Him. 
Sigh, i still feel bad for this. I should of been meek and should of comforted Him when i saw Him panic, but i didnt. I regret being so damn mad at Him and that He always worries about things. 

I cant keep my emotions and my thoughts to myself, not since ive been with Daddy. And when i felt like hurting myself so much, i tried to block it out, came out to be tears of frustration, helplessness, scared and so many other feelings mixed up. I just dont know what to do with my feelings when they are all jumbled up like this. That my Domme side takes a hold of me and just lets Daddy have it. 

And that is what i did. I just told Him what was on my mind and now i wish i could take it all back. I felt like i let Him down and dont see Him as my Daddy at all. Makes me feel so upset and so not a good slave at all. I just dont know how to let my emotions out lightly and say things in a polite way. 

I hate being fucked up and i cant get over things. And i hate seeing Daddy so upset that i cant take care of Him and Him being so weak at times. Sometimes i wish that the lifestyle would be a bit more interesting and that W/we can try new things and that most days will be good, but i know that is just wishing. 
I like it the way it is, but moments like this, just makes me think, am i truly a slave, or am i just a bitch, who in many ways like her mother. 

SO many things inside my head get jumbled up, and not sure how to put them into words, especiallywith this lifestyle. I often get confused and scared and not sure who i can run to other than paper. Maybe this will help in many ways. Maybe to show people how the lifestyle is like, how hard it can be, how wonderful it can be and what not. I guess this is all that is on my mind for the moment. 
Ashpea

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