About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

March 27, 2013

Journal of a Water Nymph day two

* Please note, what i say about Daddy/fiancee are my thoughts for the time being. It doesnt mean He is hurting me or that He is a horrible monster. This is about what happens in my life with Him and what i think at that time. Nothing else.*

March 21,2013

SIgh, today im very depressed and im not sure why. I hate feeling like this, feeling like cutting feel like screaming til my body goes limp but i cant do that. I may need Daddy's help with this tonight. May need punishment well cant really call it that as to i need it. I need something to feel alive again, and not this sinking feeling. 

I hate consuming myself in my depression, and i was doing so well. I think it keeps coming up when all my emotions are intertwined and come out all at the same time and then when i finally let them out, all i have left is this numbing feeling mixed with sadness and wanting to cut so much. I may have Him cut me again, and be very very forceful. Just thinking of it, calms my veins and brain down a bit, but i have to wait so damn long. Sigh, sometimes i wish i wasnt like this. Sometimes i wish i was normal in a sense that i dont have to have punishments, dont have to cut or feel like cutting, feel lost, feel alone, feel like there is no balance inside of myself. 

With this, it is increasing my eating problem. Daddy has been mentioning it, but i dont feel like eating, til He gets home, and from there, i only eat a little bit. Will i ever overcome these battles? Will i ever be okay, to the point, all that i need to improve is what im doing wrong in the lifestyle and with God? Will that day ever come or am i just wishing once again. 

I think when im like this, im a mixture of both Domme and slave and not sure how to get them to balance out. I want pain, i want dominance, i want to be forced to do things, but so damn meek that i cant speak about it. I want to be aggressive, more in O/our sex life, but also in daily things as well, but how can that be balanced? With me it is always one extreme or the other, no calmness inbetween like Daddy. Sigh, i wish i was more like Daddy, in controlling my emotions, and being balanced for most of the time, but im not. I wish i was so much stronger, so much more assertive in the real world, but this is not the case. 

I guess my dark side wants to come out and play, but im not sure if Daddy is willing to play tonight and that kinda scares me. I need to let it out somehow and i dont want it to be in a cutting form(self hurting way). I guess what is going on is that i was used to Him on His days off doing some things, like choking me and forcing me to be sexual, and i guess i miss that. I cant just have it here and there, i need it all the time. And just getting a little bit, like telling me to do a few things, doesnt help. I need pain, i need discipline to calm me down. Am i so sick in the mind and body that i need this? O

I really wish these feelings would go away. Sigh, im hoping He can help me out tonight. Until then, just have to deal with it. Sniff. 
ashpea

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