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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

April 4, 2013

Journal of a water nymph day five

April 4,2013
Gosh, the last two days have been up and down. It started tuesay when He had His first day off. I knew things were going bad, as to He was taking His sweet time, getting ready to go to the grocery store. I let that slide, then after that, He put me in the closet again, and i knew He was up to something but i wasnt too sure what. After that, i cleaned up the house, and i turned to Him and i said, you better not be up to anything and He gets mad at me. I did exactly what He wanted, to tell Him when He is doing something bad.
After that, i just kept my emotions inside, i gave Him His damn space until about eight nine oclock, i just snapped. I knew something was going on, and i told Him, either you spend time with me, after i made dinner or you get off completely. My Domme side came out, and i hate to use it on Him. He didnt like that, so i took the computer and He shuts it on me. And tries to pin me down, i got so mad at Him trying to make me stop whet He wanted, and i seriously kicked Him twice in His stomach, and He came at me, thought He was going to hit me, but just took the computer back. I was crying hard by this time, and He finally got off of it. He gave me the computer while He went to take a shower. He told me, do what you want.
Well, im a sneaky mouse, i know how to get into His yahoo account and read His history. I was reading it part of it, when Daddy came back in, and saw what i was doing, told me, why do you have to be a smart mousey? You just couldnt wait and let me tell you, huh? I kept reading it and i see that He showed His body privately while i was in the closet.
I got up and was panicking and what not. I was getting so caught up, i couldnt breathe, i was pacing back and forth, ready to cut myself and everything else. My words were not coherent at all, and Daddy kept telling me, calm down ashley, come here, calm down, it will be okay.
He kept saying, im sorry, you dont trust me anymore and what not. I just kept crying, and i couldnt talk really because i was just so out of it. He told me, you can punish me if you want, and i came up with new rules. But with that, at the time my trust was lost a bit.
With all the stuff ive gone through in my life, He kinda broke me. I thought He would never do this, never betray my trust really and He did. I mean not really but then again, He did. I know He has commitment issues, but still. What made me so upset and so mad is that i keep all the rules intact, i dont cyber with anyone yet He does. I do not show myself online, He does. Just pissed me off so much, because He wanted to do the lifestyle with other people really and not by O/our rules that W/we made. Just made me so stinking upset.
After i calmed down, probably about an hour or so, i told Him, by sitting on Him, that i want to keep doing this lifestyle, but with you. I tried compromising, either He can do the stuff, but i read it, like in the past, or not at all, and do it with me. But He made up His mind and wants to do it with me.
I'm hoping that His eyes are being opened up and hopefully this will stop. He thinks that He has betrayed/failed God and me, but He hasnt. I think He did hurt me, but i still love Him and i wont leave Him. Put a lot of love in this man im not going to flake out on something so stupid, so fucking little in O/our life, that W/we have gone through.
Like, W/we've had harder things than this, so why is it taking a toll on U/us? All i know is that, after calming down and yesterday being about U/us, O/our relationship is getting better. It was rocky for a bit, and Him trying to throw me away, telling me to go find someone else. Which hurts me, and me feeling so guilty for really hurting Him.
At the time i felt like HE so fucking needed it. I wanted HIm to feel the hurt i was going through. I seriously thought of hurting myself, just picking up the blade and slicking through my body with it.
But with it, W/we are better. He keeps telling me sorry for what He's done, thinks i do not trust Him at all, when thats not the case and that O/our relationship is ruined, when its not. The important thing, is talking through it, and getting back on track with U/us.
He told me, that even though He was using the closet as a bad way of punishing me, it does work well, which it does. It makes me realize i did things wrong, and it kinda scares me to be in it. But i think for no on, He will use it in the right way.
I told Him if you feel like you need to do evil fantasies, either you talk to me or do it to me. So that is what W/we've been doing. Seems like it is working.
Sigh, I hate when W/we get into these type of fights, just not O/ourselves and it hurts U/us in a way. But each time going through things, it makes U/us stronger and this will be just like the rest. Until next time.

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