About Me

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I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.

March 27, 2013

journal of a water nymph day four

march 27,2013

Gosh yesterday was horrible. It started out really well and that W/we finally got internet for O/our apartment. And right after that, Daddy becomes grumpy and what not, and had another fight. After this, Daddy becomes cold and harsh towards me. Then He thinks well lets put me in the closet... i wanted to try it out as a punishment and man it was harsh. I think the reason for it, is i knew what Daddy was doing. 

I started breaking and crying my eyes out. And Daddy is acting like, why am i crying like this. Finally most of the day passes, Him telling me things to do, but to get me away from the computer so He can try and meet up with a so called Domme here. Finally at the end, i tell Him what are you up to, and finally He came out and told me. 

I couldnt tell Him that He hurt me quite a bit. I dont know why He wants to do this. It hurts me, as to He was doing the lifestyle because of the girl He was talking to online, and not for U/us. And that He lied to me, looking up toys and what not to get. Just felt like He betrayed me in a way.

He finally broke down and said, im so sorry. He has an addiction to the fantasies of it all. I think it finally got to Him, as He saw in my eyes that He did hurt me a bit and i didnt trust Him for a while. He kept saying sorry and even today He kept doing that. He would be very upset if He lost God's trust and love and even mine. 

Im hoping He can wake up from it and stop this. Im not sure what i can do about this, i guess all i can do is just trust Daddy, and that this will make U/us grow more in the lifestyle and do more of it, with just O/ourselves and what not. 

Sigh i wonder if anyone else has gone through this? I guess that is why im writing this stuff out instead of keeping it inside of myself anymore. And if anyone has gone through this, how did you get through this? Did you stop trusting your Master/Mistress? 

With that, the computer messed up today, had to do a recovery to it, and had to have someone help me at the library. If it wasnt for God this computer wouldnt be up and running now. Maybe this is a warning from God, if Daddy doesnt stop this, He is going to discipline big time. 

Anyways, enough of today. Until next time..
ashpea

journal of a water nymph day three

march 22, 2013

Yesterday was a mess. The day before Daddy was getting very angry with me, and of course when He gets mad at me for no reason, i fight back. Its my only reaction to it. W/we fought for most of the time. Went to bed, and today, gosh today sucked. 

The day before He goes out for about an hour or so on His own. I had a feeling He was back on myyearbook talking to Dommes and what not, but this was a new blow to me. I get up, and i see that He had cut His hair and what not. I thought it was to look good for me, and what not and i thought it was sweet. 

And after that, He wanted me to get ready so W/we can go and take back the laptop, so that is what i do. After getting dressed, Daddy is trying to find His wallet. Of course He lost it, and was getting worried, as to His bus pass, debt card and id was in it. 
Then He tells me He was up to something very bad and that God was punishing Him for it. I brace myself inside and i asked, what did you do? He tells me that last night He was going to meet up with a Domme and have sex. I just broke down. I couldnt believe it. I start crying, this is more than what He has done in the past. Im use to Him talking to so called Dommes online but meeting up to have sex, that was new. 

After that He felt bad, and W/we talked about it. And saying that God is punishing Him for Him being evil. He knows He is my soul mate, but He just wanted to ignore everything and be bad for a bit. 
He goes on and says, well i warned you last night. You keep pushing me away im going to go somewhere else, and i bawl, because i thought He was just saying it again and not doing anything about it. 

Had a very long talk in this. Just not doing the lifestyle so much, and me being cranky and not being a good slave, does this. It just hurts when He does this. Im scared of loosing Him. I keep trying to tell Him, i need this all the time. And as of lately, He is working and on His days off, still not doing that. 

After this, it helped U/us get back to being on the same level, and i missed it so much. With that, He was touching me affectionately on the bus again, been so long since He's done that. Finally after all of this, got on the bus, He paid the money and asked if His wallet was on the bus. Bus driver asked, is it all black? And He pulls it out, and im like, that's it. He opens it up, do you have a pic in it. And yup, he goes, yup that is you. lol. I said thank you, and thank you God so many times. Got an eyebrow raised from the guy and sat down. Thanked God a couple of more times, and happy that no one stole it. Felt relived about that. 

Went to wal mart, got things and came back home. Went back out, got some things for the house, and got movies and a pizza, for a movie night. Get back home, and i became snippy again. Daddy turned, and said, im going to have to be a better Dom than i am. You are getting out of hand, which i am, sadly. 
Made me go to the kitchen, spread my legs really far apart, almost falling down, and spanking my thighs, calves, butt, back, tits, til i bruised. Me sobbing my eyes out, and He pulls me up by my hair and asks, are you going to be good? I couldnt answer and He says say something, so i said yes. Lets go, and says well since you cant be good, you will have to clean up the house, and not watch the movies. Now go clean. I start doing it, and after five minutes of doing it. Did other things, and says are you going to be good now? I nodded, and He finally let me watch O/our show, but on the floor, and after a while, have my treats. 
He tells me, now on, you are going to earn your rewards, you've gotten big for yourself, and think you can get them even being bad. 

So with all of this, im hoping that He will be consitant in it, which i really think He is, as today, got snippy and He whipped me again, but not as bad. But im hoping it stays and that W/we can get back into doing the lifestyle more than what W/we have been doing now. 

All of this was a wake up call for both of U/us. God telling U/us W/we need to start talking again, and doing the lifestyle, to be a better couple and what not. Hopefully this will be. I think with that, W/we need some equipment other than what W/we are doing, to make it more real. So hopefully all of this will work. Until then. 
ashpea

Need to conquer the urges... bdsm poem

throbbing desires 
stir in my veins

darkness takes over my senses 
whimpering
crying
begging
screaming
for this mental pain to smother out

What can i do?
im chained to these hungry thoughts
these hungry longings
hidden in the depths of my soul

Can i conquer these feelings?
these thoughts?
that never go quiet completely

Fogginess
grogginess
succumbs my desires
making me lye down
pinned to the over whelming flames

Daddy i whisper
please gasp, please help me
staring into soft understanding eyes

please take these feelings
these urges away
please Daddy make me submit fully to you once again

Please make me whole 
like you always do
instead of me being so lost
in this maze of jumbled thoughts in my mind
help me through the maze i put myself in
help balance the control i need deep inside of me

please help me with this
gasps, blacks out for the night......

Journal of a Water Nymph day two

* Please note, what i say about Daddy/fiancee are my thoughts for the time being. It doesnt mean He is hurting me or that He is a horrible monster. This is about what happens in my life with Him and what i think at that time. Nothing else.*

March 21,2013

SIgh, today im very depressed and im not sure why. I hate feeling like this, feeling like cutting feel like screaming til my body goes limp but i cant do that. I may need Daddy's help with this tonight. May need punishment well cant really call it that as to i need it. I need something to feel alive again, and not this sinking feeling. 

I hate consuming myself in my depression, and i was doing so well. I think it keeps coming up when all my emotions are intertwined and come out all at the same time and then when i finally let them out, all i have left is this numbing feeling mixed with sadness and wanting to cut so much. I may have Him cut me again, and be very very forceful. Just thinking of it, calms my veins and brain down a bit, but i have to wait so damn long. Sigh, sometimes i wish i wasnt like this. Sometimes i wish i was normal in a sense that i dont have to have punishments, dont have to cut or feel like cutting, feel lost, feel alone, feel like there is no balance inside of myself. 

With this, it is increasing my eating problem. Daddy has been mentioning it, but i dont feel like eating, til He gets home, and from there, i only eat a little bit. Will i ever overcome these battles? Will i ever be okay, to the point, all that i need to improve is what im doing wrong in the lifestyle and with God? Will that day ever come or am i just wishing once again. 

I think when im like this, im a mixture of both Domme and slave and not sure how to get them to balance out. I want pain, i want dominance, i want to be forced to do things, but so damn meek that i cant speak about it. I want to be aggressive, more in O/our sex life, but also in daily things as well, but how can that be balanced? With me it is always one extreme or the other, no calmness inbetween like Daddy. Sigh, i wish i was more like Daddy, in controlling my emotions, and being balanced for most of the time, but im not. I wish i was so much stronger, so much more assertive in the real world, but this is not the case. 

I guess my dark side wants to come out and play, but im not sure if Daddy is willing to play tonight and that kinda scares me. I need to let it out somehow and i dont want it to be in a cutting form(self hurting way). I guess what is going on is that i was used to Him on His days off doing some things, like choking me and forcing me to be sexual, and i guess i miss that. I cant just have it here and there, i need it all the time. And just getting a little bit, like telling me to do a few things, doesnt help. I need pain, i need discipline to calm me down. Am i so sick in the mind and body that i need this? O

I really wish these feelings would go away. Sigh, im hoping He can help me out tonight. Until then, just have to deal with it. Sniff. 
ashpea

Journal of a Water Nymph day one.....

March 20,2013

Today has been a tiresome day. My thoughts go back to yesterday with me fighting with Daddy again. I dont know what is going on lately. But ive been fighting with Him so much, that it makes me feel so bad and like im not being a good slave at all. What's going on with me? 

I dont know if im just snapping because i feel like i cant talk to Daddy? Or that W/we are not doing the lifestyle that much, and it builds up in my system so much that i need pain in order to be obedient. Sigh when i feel like this, i feel like maybe W/we are not meant for this lifestyle and just try to be vanilla and be in an actual relationship instead of this. 

I know these are just thoughts that come up when W/we dont mesh at all and dont feel that bond there. I feel so bad, because i want to be a really good slave and obey Daddy, but when i try my hardest, that is when i become more aggressive, and disobey even more so. I dont get why im like this. What is wrong with me? 

The fight this time, sigh should of never came up. I got so mad and so scared i didnt know what to do. Daddy wanted to buy a laptop as this one really sucks. And when He bid on it and won, He started to panic and just worry about it. I tried to just think W/we can get by with little money and try not to worry about it. But Daddy was panicking so much and felt helpless i just attacked Him. 
Sigh, i still feel bad for this. I should of been meek and should of comforted Him when i saw Him panic, but i didnt. I regret being so damn mad at Him and that He always worries about things. 

I cant keep my emotions and my thoughts to myself, not since ive been with Daddy. And when i felt like hurting myself so much, i tried to block it out, came out to be tears of frustration, helplessness, scared and so many other feelings mixed up. I just dont know what to do with my feelings when they are all jumbled up like this. That my Domme side takes a hold of me and just lets Daddy have it. 

And that is what i did. I just told Him what was on my mind and now i wish i could take it all back. I felt like i let Him down and dont see Him as my Daddy at all. Makes me feel so upset and so not a good slave at all. I just dont know how to let my emotions out lightly and say things in a polite way. 

I hate being fucked up and i cant get over things. And i hate seeing Daddy so upset that i cant take care of Him and Him being so weak at times. Sometimes i wish that the lifestyle would be a bit more interesting and that W/we can try new things and that most days will be good, but i know that is just wishing. 
I like it the way it is, but moments like this, just makes me think, am i truly a slave, or am i just a bitch, who in many ways like her mother. 

SO many things inside my head get jumbled up, and not sure how to put them into words, especiallywith this lifestyle. I often get confused and scared and not sure who i can run to other than paper. Maybe this will help in many ways. Maybe to show people how the lifestyle is like, how hard it can be, how wonderful it can be and what not. I guess this is all that is on my mind for the moment. 
Ashpea

Ahh im back... yay

Ahh it is good to be back and blogging again. Sigh, i think now, this is going to be about what is really going on in my life, with the BDSM lifestyle and what i think and what not. Ive been struggling a lot lately and of course no one to go to but Daddy/fiancee, it makes me think, why am i in the lifestyle and what not. So, im trying to start something new. Have a journal for what is going on in my life with the lifestyle. I hope this goes well. So here we go. :)