Yea today I used a safe word for the lifestyle and I still not sure what to think or say on it. I feel at odds with myself inside. Like I'm content but also feel upset as well.
W/we've been doing this for six years and never used a safe word til today. Afterwards He said that it was good that I did it to help me get past the rapes and get back some power and to be stronger. With that He said since I've been with Him I've gotten stronger but I just don't feel like that. In some way I feel like I let Him down by using it. I think maybe because I felt like I wasn't at the point of breaking or wasn't too much for me..but the more I look back He was testing me, which I hate because it really screws my mind up.
Maybe that is why I feel sad but I'm not too sure why I feel oddly calm inside. This time it was different. Doing the stuff I wasn't afraid of Him. I knew in my heart that I can trust Him and I was pretty calm about that.
I'm wondering if I'm growing still in this lifestyle. Finally being a total slave in a sense and trusting with all my heart. I just need to get through this feeling and keep going with it. Until next time.
- I'm 23 now; In the BDSM lifestyle for four- almost five years now. I am a 24/7 slave with a wonderful Daddy/fiancee: who is artcomet.blogspot.com. But as you will see in this blog are the emotions that I go through each and every day- in and out of the lifestyle. This is to show how much I've grown and bonded with my Daddy, how I've dealt with 'the world", and how I dealt with people in the BDSM lifestyle; Enjoy.